Long Term Friend

[Ted Smith]

Hi,

So this is long and complicated, I'll try to keep it somewhat short.

8 years ago, I had a midlife crisis at 50 and went out and found a very nice young woman, just 18 years old.  She needed financial help and we came to an arrangement, it was not that much money per month but it worked...  We have become friends, she has told me very personal stuff and I share most of my life with her.  She is now 25 and just an amazing young lady.  I had financial problems in 2019 and had to cut our arrangement in half and she was still good with that and still is.

I fell hard for her a long time ago and yes, can be in love with 2 women at the same time.  To this day, we text each day and try to see each other once a week, sometimes we have alone time, but that has changed over the years, its just something quick and thats it, but we spend the afternoon talking and cuddling, which is ok with me.

She has had several male friends and someone she met during Covid, is 25 year older than her.  She got engaged in October, doesnt wear a ring.  I don't think she loves him, he takes care of her and she rules his world, so she is good with that.  She never told me because she knows I dont approve of the age difference.  I told her many times that yes, I am in love with you, but I would NEVER be with you because its not fair to you about our age difference.

She finally told me 2 weeks ago and I didn't believe her, she showed me the engagement photos and wedding invitations.  My reaction was I am very hurt you didn't tell me, but if this is something you want in your heart, I fully support you.  We are both good with this and she told me that nothing will change with us even after she is married.

She did have a rough time with some abuse from a family member and I think this is why she is like she is.

I have been having a very hard time with this, I love her so much, I need her in my life and I want her to be happy.  I have anxiety that she will just stop talking to me and that will hurt me beyond belief.

I can not talk to any friend about this, they would never understand.

I can't break it off, I am so worried and have been about telling my wife about this, we have been married 35 years.   But now she has something to lose so I am less worried about this.

So advise, support????

[Batya33]

She was never in your life other than as a business arrangement.  What might change is that her husband might find out and be very angry including at you.  And he will know how to find you because of your business arrangement with this woman. I would end all contact.

I would divorce your wife so she can be free to be on her own or find a partner who wants a serious, loyal, committed relationship. 

You didn't cheat because of a mid life crisis - that's an excuse as you know.  You cheated because you felt like it and now you feel anxious because this woman is now married.  You can choose, going forward, to be a person who doesn't make silly excuses for bad behavior and choices and I'd spend the $ you've been spending on your sex partner on a good therapist.  I wish you the best in doing what is right by your wife -setting her free -and staying safe by ending your sexual arrangement.

 

[Wiseman2]

Sugar baby relationships aren't really meant to last. Especially now that she's getting married and moving on appropriately with a real BF/fiance. 

 

[ShySoul]

2 hours ago, Ted Smith said:

I love her so much, I need her in my life and I want her to be happy.  

If you love her and want her to be happy, then you have to let her make her own choice and be with the person she wants to be with. Yes, it will hurt that it isn't you. But the two of you never had a "real" relationship. It started as a financial arrangement. Even if feelings developed and you truely do love her, you were never in a position to give her a stable, permanent relationship. If you really wanted that, you would have done so by now. And yet, you are still married. The arrangement couldn't last forever and it's unfair to her to not let her go at some point so that she can try to find a love that will fulfill her in ways you simply can't give her. It might be with this guy. It might not. But that has to be her choice. It would also be unfair to the guy she is marrying for you to continue on with her. He's the one taking the vows with her, not with you. He should have a chance to be with the person he is choosing to be with, without the spectre of your affair hanging over things. In this case the old adage applies, if you love someone set them free.

2 hours ago, Ted Smith said:

I am so worried and have been about telling my wife about this, we have been married 35 years.  

If you have been worried about telling her, why did you allow this to continue for eight years? At some point things were bound to come out. The longer you held out telling her, the worse you've made this. It's not just a one time mistake. This is nearly a decade of lies and betraying her trust. If you love her, or have ever loved her, doesn't she deserve the truth? Shouldn't she be given the opportunity to decide what is best for her and rather or not she can trust you anymore?

This is not to criticize you. I'm sure you had your reasons. I'm sure part of you does care for both these women. Yes, you can love two women at the same time. But the reality of the situation is that your actions have consequences. Four hearts are on the line now. You are the one who can either wreck things (holding onto things as they are) or can start making things right (letting the new couple be together and admitting things to your wife). You've made poor decisions in the past. But it's not to late to make the right one.

[MissCanuck]

She will disappear when you stop giving her money. 

To believe otherwise is simply foolish, man. She isn't going to stick around forever. 

[Capricorn3]

On 2/25/2024 at 11:33 AM, Ted Smith said:

I can't break it off, I am so worried and have been about telling my wife about this, we have been married 35 years. 

 

So advise, support????

So, in essence you have been cheating on your wife for the last eight years and financially supporting this young women and still currently in contact?  I am not too sure too many people will be supportive.

Reverse the roles for a moment:  How would you feel if your wife of 35 years was doing this behind your back?  Serious question.

You can't break it off??  Can't means don't want to.  Yes, you can break it off but you choose not to.

Advice?  Do the right thing and end this fiasco and tell your wife the truth and then set her free.  Use your money on therapy to help you with all of your issues.