I fell for her. Would love some perspective from outside. LDR

[Justin, just a name]

Which of these are the biggest issues in a relationship?

• 5+ year age gap
• Atheism vs hardcore religion
• 1000+km distance

What if I have all of these and those are the only "issues" (I don't see them as issues, just small obstacles to jump over)?
Yeah, I know, date local women and so on. But have you ever had that feeling like you've met your soulmate? I feel like I've finally done it. I wasn't looking for anything, so even if it takes 3 years to come to fruition, I'm fine with it. I've never been interested in getting married or starting a family, even when being together with someone for 4 years, but suddenly when meeting her everything has changed, I'm ready for anything.

To answer obvious questions. Yes, we've met multiple times for a date, talk or chat or do other things together almost every day, don't have any arguments and really enjoy spending time with each other. We speak freely and continuously clarify if there seems to be an issue or a misunderstanding. Let's say our ages are 35 and 30 to make them round. Both have had long-term relationships. None of us want to make a family or huge commitment right here and right now. Different cultural upbringing, different languages (we both speak English as an x'th language, but we can communicate very well), but yet here we are. It's still something new, 5 months and counting, but we've known each other for more than a year. We work at the same company, but from different countries.

I realise what a long shot this situation is, but better to give it a try than wonder what could have been for the rest of my life.

I'm not looking for reasons for ending it or continuing it, just other people's perspective on it. I've read a lot here, so I know a lot of you have a great view on relationships. Am I crazy for believing this could work?

P.S. I had another topic which I hid months ago about how to stop crushing on someone and return to friendship. Guess what? The story continues.

[Wiseman2]

How often do you see each other in person? Are either of you ready willing and able to relocate in the future? It's only 5 months so all you can do is continue to visit each other. 

Why did you hide your topic and was this a friendship at first? 

The biggest red flags are the distance, different languages, religions, cultures and countries.

Have you both been to each other's places and met any of each other's people? 

 

[Justin, just a name]

18 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

How often do you see each other in person? Are either of you ready willing and able to relocate in the future? It's only 5 months so all you can do is continue to visit each other. 

Why did you hide your topic and was this a friendship at first? 

The biggest red flags are the distance, different languages, religions, cultures and countries.

Have you both been to each other's places and met any of each other's people? 

 

On average we see each other once a month for a whole day. Willing and able to relocate in the future.

Yes, it was friendship at first. Why I hid it? I like deleting things once they become irrelevant. The original question had no use for me anymore.

No, we haven't met each other's relatives, nor visited our respective homes.

[Wiseman2]

21 minutes ago, Justin, just a name said:

No, we haven't met each other's relatives, nor visited our respective homes.

Perhaps start there. Start visiting each other in your respective hometowns and get to know each other. 

[Batya33]

What have you two discussed as to how to navigate the religious differences?

[ShySoul]

None of those things have to be an issue if you are both willing to take the time and put in the effort to making it work. 

1. Age is a number that indicates the year we were born, nothing more. As long as both sides are legal, it doesn't matter. Five years isn't really that much, I've seen relationships with double digit age gaps. As long as the two of you connect and relate to each other, that's what counts.

2. Religion would be the toughest in my book, but only if you were being dogmatic in your beliefs. For some religion is an identity and they may feel as if they are betraying themselves, family, God, etc by being with an outsider or nonbeliever. But if can agree to have different beliefs, respecting the other and not forcing your take on them, then it can work out. 

3. In an age where everyone has a cell phone and people can Zoom (or whatever video chat you prefer) whenever they want, should distance really be an issue? You can be in touch at a moments notice. And if you are making the effor to visit in person regularly, then it shouldn't be a problem. Eventually you would want to be in the same place, but it doesn't have to be now. Even then there are married couples who have to live apart and find ways to make it work.

You are not crazy for believing this could work. Anything can happen. So just take it day by day and get more comfortable with each, spend whatever time together you can, meet the families... do whatever you both are ready to do. Whatever is going to happen will happen, so enjoy the ride.

[Kwothe28]

I think that age gap is not that huge. But that all of this is fine because you are at distance. But if ever make a true relationship together, religion issue would be a problem. Depending on levels of conviction, would you be fine with her raising your kids tomorrow according to her religion? Or would you like them to be Reddit atheists who mock God with every second sentence?

Again, you dont have the issue with that now because you are long distance. But this would fall out very quick if you see each other in person more and want to make a family. It doesnt even have to be kids, how about just marriage? Would you be fine with all out religious customs wedding? How about maybe needing to take her religion as some religions require for a marriage? See how difficult does that all makes?

[Justin, just a name]

Regarding visiting hometowns and/or meeting families, for now due to timetables and free time we have to meet somewhere else, otherwise we would only get 1 hour to spend together when we meet. She doesn't want her family to know for now as it's still something new and they are very nosy, as for me, my family lives on the other side of the world, so it's obviously not possible. I've never put any importance on having my family's approval or thoughts on my other half. For her it will be important, but that's far in the future.

We have talked about religion, how we view it and what it means to us. When I was a teenager, I might have been a "Reddit atheist who mocks God with every second sentence", but I'm a different person now. I don't mind converting as it's just a paper. I understand that pretending to be a follower, but not believing in it might devalue her beliefs. And I don't have an issue with having a religious wedding.

As for children, I'd prefer them to know about all of major beliefs in the world and making their own choices. I don't think I would be fine with shoving religion down their throats while they are still learning how the world works. But I don't see an issue with having my children celebrating Christmas and going to church if she's Christian, doing Ramadan if she's Muslim or meditating and doing yoga if she's Hindu. My issue would be threatening them with heavenly punishment from an early age. There are customs and traditions and then there is emotional terror.

[Batya33]

I think you have to get clear with her on your view of conversion as just a piece of paper.  Has she given you signs she'd want to "shove religion" down a child's throat? 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Justin, just a name said:

 we have to meet somewhere else, otherwise we would only get 1 hour to spend together when we meet. She doesn't want her family to know for now as it's still something new and they are very nosy, 

Unfortunately this is another huge red flag. You're a secret? 

The language, cultural differences and distance are going to make it difficult to date. Religion is the least of your problems, you seem to not even know what her religion is or much about religion in general. .There's too many huge red flags. 

Where exactly are you meeting up? Do you work in her country or do you both work someplace where neither of you are from? 

[Justin, just a name]

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I think you have to get clear with her on your view of conversion as just a piece of paper.  Has she given you signs she'd want to "shove religion" down a child's throat? 

No, no signs of that, I just wrote what are my thoughts about this topic. She's a very open minded person, I don't think it would be an issue. But of course these are some of the things that should be discussed.

[Justin, just a name]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately this is another huge red flag. You're a secret? 

The language, cultural differences and distance are going to make it difficult to date. Religion is the least of your problems, you seem to not even know what her religion is or much about religion in general. .There's too many huge red flags. 

Where exactly are you meeting up? Do you work in her country or do you both work someplace where neither of you are from? 

Yes, I'm a secret. But so is she, I've never in the past gone and told everyone who I'm dating, only if it's been more than a year. As it's still early, I don't see that as an issue.

As I mentioned before, we've talked about religion. I do know what is her religion, what she does in this aspect of her life and how it affects her. I don't get why you mention language, we share a language that we both use for work. If our knowledge was bad, we wouldn't be working at the same company. Regarding culture, the difference is the upbringing, but not how we see the world today. Obviously there are some differences, but mostly we share the same view.

We are meeting up in a big city that is in her country. I live and work abroad and she works in a neighbouring country where she is also from.

[Andrina]

18 hours ago, Justin, just a name said:

On average we see each other once a month for a whole day.

Obviously, you're willing to power through any obstacle. What you seem to be looking for is someone to say there's a high guarantee everything will work out exactly as you envision in this honeymoon stage, which is impossible for anyone to provide.

Meeting up once a month for a day is more like what you would experience when meeting someone on a fun vacation--all enjoyment but without the full picture you'd experience with normal, local dating.

I'd really make an attempt to find a ways and means to spend at least a week in her hometown. And I don't mean you should stay in her home (renting a hotel or air b&b for yourself), but being with her for longer than a day, throughout the week, perhaps you can gather relevant info about her. The type of people she hangs out with. How often she's receiving texts/calls on her phone, and if she seems to be hiding why her phone is always blowing up, or if it seems like normal activity. If she keeps a clean home. What she likes to do in her off time. If her family is overly involved and she lets them call the shots. If she's financially responsible.

This is why LDRs are harder, because it takes 10 times longer or more to find out everything relevant you need to know about someone, and it's very costly. As long as you're willing to gamble all that extra time and money, go for it. Just be realistic and try to convert your fantasy life into reality because right now you're living in a one-dimensional situation.

 

[Justin, just a name]

1 hour ago, Andrina said:

Obviously, you're willing to power through any obstacle. What you seem to be looking for is someone to say there's a high guarantee everything will work out exactly as you envision in this honeymoon stage, which is impossible for anyone to provide.

Meeting up once a month for a day is more like what you would experience when meeting someone on a fun vacation--all enjoyment but without the full picture you'd experience with normal, local dating.

I'd really make an attempt to find a ways and means to spend at least a week in her hometown. And I don't mean you should stay in her home (renting a hotel or air b&b for yourself), but being with her for longer than a day, throughout the week, perhaps you can gather relevant info about her. The type of people she hangs out with. How often she's receiving texts/calls on her phone, and if she seems to be hiding why her phone is always blowing up, or if it seems like normal activity. If she keeps a clean home. What she likes to do in her off time. If her family is overly involved and she lets them call the shots. If she's financially responsible.

This is why LDRs are harder, because it takes 10 times longer or more to find out everything relevant you need to know about someone, and it's very costly. As long as you're willing to gamble all that extra time and money, go for it. Just be realistic and try to convert your fantasy life into reality because right now you're living in a one-dimensional situation.

 

I do get that I might seem to be living in a fantasy. I'm not going to deny that I'm looking through rose-coloured glasses and am a hopeless romantic, but I do realise that chances of it working out are not very big. That's why I'm here to see other perspectives, which already have given me few things to think about and bring up in future conversations.

We both are going to have a very busy next month at work, which will limit our connection quite a lot. I guess it will be the first real test.

Thanks, I was thinking about the same that we should spend together at least 3-4 days together in a row in the following months to see more of a every day life.

But what do you mean by her phone activity? I'm not the jealous type, I don't care who she's communicating with if she doesn't wanna share it. If she's dating multiple people and throws me to the side, I'm fine with it. Means that I wasn't that interesting to her from the beginning, but at least I travelled, saw new places and experienced new cultures. That's what I would have done anyway, but at least I got a local guide.

 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Justin, just a name said:

 We are meeting up in a big city that is in her country. I live and work abroad and she works in a neighbouring country where she is also from..at least I travelled, saw new places and experienced new cultures. That's what I would have done anyway, but at least I got a local guide.

Why not just enjoy each other's company, without trying to think ahead too much about an obviously almost impossible "future"? As you mentioned, you got to travel and a nice tour guide who speaks English out of it.

  Enjoy it while it lasts, since she most likely will have a relationship with someone from her religion, culture and country when the time comes..