How do you get people past the disabilities to give you a chance?

[ulrichburke]

Dear Anyone.

I'm 56.  I've got Cerebral Palsy, Hydrocephalus, Dyspraxia and Asperger's.  They come out in my face, making me extremely ugly.  Thing IS - that's all people have ever seen and I don't know how to make them see anything else. 

Spent my childhood going to school, getting beaten up by the other schoolkids, coming home, being slapped around by Dad for letting them beat me up.  I'd try to play with the locals but I was the 'monster' and no matter what I did I stayed the 'monster'.  They'd beat me up, or run from me, and if they ran from me I'd get their parents complaining to Dad and he'd slap me around because they complained. 

I always thought when I reached teenagehood people would change and, if I was nice to them all and willing to help and join in, they'd see I wasn't such a bad person.  So I really tried.  I volunteered all over the place and got turned down by everyone - I spent what felt like forever going round all the charity shops, volunteering and being turned down.  Tried making friends but the Asperger's got in the way - the local kids realised I couldn't tell when I was being lied to so they'd set me up, wait till I got my benefits, invite me down to the pub so I'd have money on me, then just mug me of the money.  I was getting all my flats burgled and the police were moving me all around London, that didn't work so they chucked me in Hastings. 

Where I was the Town Monster for 20 years.  I literally became the guy mothers warned their kids about, saying I'd get them in their sleep if they didn't behave.  I didn't realise that at first, tried to make friends with the locals - and discovered they were genuinely scared of me.  Asked one why and that's what he told me.  Example - I saw 2 kids with busted bikes, I could see what the problem was so I went over and helped fix them.  Their fathers came round to my flat, thought they were coming in to say 'Thanks' but nope - I was obviously trying to groom them.  One guy held me down while the other searched for evidence.  They didn't find any of course but that just proved how good I was at hiding it so they went to town on me anyway.  And I came home the next day to a trashed and emptied flat, again. 

It's been that way my whole life thus far.   After 20 years of having flats trashed in Hastings, they moved me to Brighton where things are just about the same.  True I've only had this flat trashed a few times and it seems to be safe now the guy downstairs has moved out but I sorta sit here and honestly, the loneliness has voices.  I can hear them.  I'm banned from the Pier because apparently my face scares the tourists.  I'm banned from a bunch of other places for the same sort of reasons.  And I've zero idea what to do next. 

I've never had a job - I've got 16 good quals. but employers won't get past the ugliness either.  I do great until they have to look at me, then you see them going onto the next guy! I've volunteered for everything I can think of and nobody's let me DO anything - you can't go to the party if you can't get past the bouncers.  I've KINDA got a g/f in a group home but it's not a real relationship, it's just I've got disability money so I can buy her stuff.  I'm not allowed to touch her or anything.  And the others there take the mickey ALL the time 'Hey.  Frankensteine's here for ya!' 'Nah, it's Shrek, isn't it?'  And that kinda thing.  In all these years I've never spent one decent day in the company of others. 

I'd love to but I'm scared at the same time because they've all had a lifetime of having friendships and know how to do it, how it works.  I've got Asperger's against me and I've never had friends so I don't know how to do it.  Which is why I'm here. 

I've had all my teeth kicked out, my head caved in, I've got stab wounds on different parts of me, I've had boiling water chucked all over my legs giving me permanent ulcers.  I've had every flat I've ever had burgled, I've been chucked into lunatic asylums and group homes where I wasn't allowed to do any of the lovely activities all the others were getting to do because they couldn't get funding for me.  But I still want to get to join in SOMEWHERE.  I mean I buy homeless people meals, I've helped some of them get flats, I'm always nice to the others where my g/f lives even though the staff do say they're worried about me going there because of the reactions to me.  (I've just paid for one to have his fitbit watch fixed and I fixed his Chromebook for him - I'm not bad at computers.)

I've not been beaten up for 2 years now which is a great feeling - but the underlying feeling from others is still there.  I tried to join in with people last night and got asked to leave because the bouncers said people were complaining about having to look at me.  I tried to talk to one of the others who was outside having a cigarette but he just gave me a stare and went 'F'ing scum!' and walked past me so I guess that was a no-go. 

How do you get people past the disabilities to give you a shot? 

Yours hopefully

Chris.

[Graystation108]

First of all, I'm so sorry to hear that this is happening, I can't imagine having to deal with this for over half a decade. I don't have any experience in something this severe, nor is my life experience anywhere close to yours (I'm 23). Was there ever a time where you shifted your focus from trying to make friends to working on yourself (eg. focusing on a hobby)? Sometimes when we try so hard to fit in, it makes us look even less attractive to others (not just romantically) because we're presenting ourselves as lower value, and the nicer ones would feel more pity than a genuine connection. If you can go out there with the energy that I'm a good person and I don't need anyone to fit in with, they're the ones missing out on having a genuine friend in their lives. In terms of employment, have you thought of starting your own business? Is there a skill that you have that allows you to do that? Sorry I can't be more helpful

[Seraphim]

I am so very sorry all of this has happened to you. I can’t imagine how painful it all is . 

[Coily]

This is heartbreaking to read.

You have lived a hard life, and I genuinely have no experiences close enough to help guide you. From your writing it sounds like you are still trying to do the right thing and that's amazing!  I do have a couple of suggestions, hopefully one of them will help.

Joining an online community, one where you can do voice chats, or play games, or just socialize in general with like minded people. Discord and Gilded are two of the more popular ones, there are probably many many others. This will at least get you into a place where you can talk to people, and not have to deal with them judging your appearance, which hopefully will help you hone your social skills and help with some of the loneliness.

Consider joining a church, one with activities and outreach groups. Not saying you have to be super religious, but typically Churches (good ones) will try to support members of their congregation.

Maybe you can look into making Youtube content, talking about your passions, interests, and hobbies?

I wish I had better answers for you, I really do. I would also encourage you to use ENA as an outlet too.

[boltnrun]

I am also sorry for all of the difficulties you've had to deal with.

I also agree with joining an online community. There are even people who post regularly on this forum for some of their social interaction. So I would imagine there are online communities you can participate in for social interaction. 

You seem to be good with using your hands to fix and build things. So maybe a community for people who repair or build things and then share photos of what they repair and/or build. Or whatever else you're interested in.

I wish you the best. 

[ulrichburke]

Dear Coily.

Thing about Churches IS - I have read most of the Bible - Old Testament to Revelations - like a novel, not just in the pick'n'mix chunks preachers use, and God and Jesus do NOT like disabled people.  Can understand that from their viewpoints - if you create a race you want to be perfect, you don't want the damaged versions hanging around.  Hence Leviticus 21 where God says all the people he DOESN'T want in His Church - and they've all got disabilities.  Not mine per se - but he sure makes his point! Always feel just a LEETLE 'Sword of Damocles' going into a Church with that hanging over me - it's like I'm waiting for the Preacher to realise and give me the bum's rush.  Or to be struck by lightning when I go out again.  Or something!

I'll try another online community.  The last 2 I tried were fine till they saw my photograph - then I got asked in one of them why I'd doctored my picture like that.  So I told them I hadn't, that really WAS me - and enthusiasm for my presence decreased noticeably after that! Did have an online g/f there, she agreed to come down to visit me.  And did, once, I bought her a nice meal and sat with her on the sea front, she's never spoken to me since.  Which hurts.  I thought we were doing OK together online. 

 

Bolt'n'run, I agree with your first statement 'the cause of the pain is NEVER the cure for the pain'.  And the second - 'when you change nothing, nothing changes'.  That's very true.  Thing IS - I keep on doing Grand Tours of clubs and voluntary places and it's these danged neurotypicals.  They live on top of glass ceilings, looking down at us neurodiverse.  If one of us wants to be on their side of the glass ceiling, unless your name's Stephen Hawking forget it, it just doesn't happen.  I've kinda got a foot in both worlds - neurodiverse look on me as just about neurotypical and visa versa.  Which means I'm kinda persona non grata in both lots - there's an 'Intruder Alert!' feeling going on whichever lot I try to join in with - I know I'm Asperger's but it sure feels like that.  And if I DO get given a chance, I don't know enough about socialising to take it.  Imagine - silly example, best I can think of extempore - you went into a bar full of nuclear physicists.  And they seemed to cautiously welcome you - but you knew you didn't know enough about nuclear physics to really be there and it was only a matter of time before they all realised that and the conversation flowed on without you. 

I feel I need a bunch of lessons ABOUT joining in - like Raksha teaching Mowgli how to be a wolf - so, if given a chance, I CAN join in.  They've all been doing it all their lives so they're experts.  I've never been given a shot, so what do I know?

Would either of you be prepared to give me a few lessons, or help me find where to get some? 'Just be yourself' doesn't work in my case - been trying that advice for half a century, it's never worked! But I flat don't know what I should be doing instead.  Am more than willing to learn, though.

Yours respectfully

Chris.

[Wiseman2]

41 minutes ago, ulrichburke said:

Would either of you be prepared to give me a few lessons, or help me find where to get some? '

Get some what, exactly? Tips on how to feel more comfortable or fitting in?  You've already tried a lot of things so perhaps you could continue to see what works for you and doesn't? 

[catfeeder]

My heart goes out to you, Chris. Have you contacted the United Cerebral Palsy foundation to learn of any resources and support that may be available to you?