I think my bf 25 is kinda of an idiot

[Milleniumeye]

I’m really sorry for my English and the way I articulate.
It may be exhausting to read. 
 
I’ve been dating this guy 5 months he is 25 I’m 23.
He is the sweetest person I’ve ever met and he is such a generous , innocent and kind soul , and it’s indeed inspirational. We went yesterday to meet 5 of his friends (all of them guys) because they insisted that wanted to meet me. All of them were absolutely wonderful, but there was this guy that my bf had introduced me before , and he was hitting on me  infront of him something that my bf acknowledged as well, but did nothing about it …

How ever that guy didn’t know me that well then so he was more appropriate, respectful and less clingy .

So yesterday when I saw him for a second time he made compliments that my boyfriend wouldn’t normally  “do” on the table , infront of him, like he complimented my shirt (that was the simpliest shirt ever) , he also found ways to touch my hands or my face , and he couldn’t stop interviewing me, acting like he is such a good listener when I talked ( that fake interest that goes “ mhm, mhm keep going I’m listening “) he would look at my covered chest unapologetically and felt like he was there because it would be me as well.

 My bf was literally right next to me .Everything that guy said was a “smart ass” well actwually 👆🏻 joke to belittle my bf. I felt extremely uncomfortable and unsafe. When ever I wanted to say something to my bf he would say some *** to distract me. 

My boyfriend would ask me a couples of times if I want something from the menu, and I would say no , something that obviously didn’t bother me , he wanted to make sure . That guy would say “ the gIrL told you No a couple of times , why don’t you gEt iT , how many times do you want to hear it from her to get it “ LIKE SHUT THE *** UP. 

Anyhow , yesterday I also realised that my boyfriend can’t exactly read the room, despite having a job that forces him to be around people and interact with them all the time  . He made some really silly embarrassing jokes… that made his friends laugh … but it wasn’t with the joke , they were laughing at him … I could tell that. His friends would facepalm and look at me…
I asked him why doesn’t he kiss me infront of his friends , and he told me that he is feeling shy , and he only pats my back/head or something . When we were distant from the guys , I talked about how annoying that friend of his is, and how he makes me feel and he said “ that’s why I told him …. (something that implied that we are together along the lines ) “ . 

When we were heading home that guy was there with us, my bf would walk infront of us and leave us behind ( unconsciously ) and I would run behind him literally to catch him up and hold his hand.

I texted him my concerns when I was home , I told him that this dude is NOT his friend , and he should be more upfront with him, and stop being so vanilla all the time . 

He told me “ that he didn’t know we were together and when I told him he was shocked” 
Like… it’s absolutely infuriating, his friend thinks he is an idiot. 

The conversation we had about that  was like me talking to a literal tolder. 

Other than that something that I pretended I didn’t hear on the table, was when my bf complained about something and this dude said “ well at least you *** (have sex)…” ???????

What am I supposed to do

[Kwothe28]

I dont think its appropriate to call your boyfriend "an idiot". He has lower social inteligence, is probably introvert and doesnt understand some stuff regarding social situations. But calling him idiot would be like calling somebody who has development or mental issues an "R word". Really not too flatering way to describe somebody. Maybe a cultural or language issue though.

Anyway, your boyfriend is as it is. Him being an introvert and lower social inteligence means that he wont pick up a social cues like his friends making fun of him or even trying to flirt with you. Nore that he would do some stuff like kiss you in front of his friends. There is no "cure" there even if you talk to him. If you want somebody who is more socially aware or more extroverted, I am afraid you would have to find somebody else.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Milleniumeye said:

 I felt extremely uncomfortable and unsafe. . He made some really silly embarrassing jokes…… it’s absolutely infuriating, his friend thinks he is an idiot.  , I told him that this dude is NOT his friend , and he should be more upfront with him, and stop being so vanilla all the time

They all sound remarkably immature. You have no respect for your BF.

You claim your BF "can't read the room", but why didn't you get up and leave?

What do you mean by "vanilla"? Is your BF supposed to beat these friends up because they're being jerks? 

Consider cutting your losses since you've only been dating 5 months. 

[Batya33]

It’s really important IMO to respect and admire your partner. You seem to spend quite a bit of time trying to direct him as to how to act and respond. You’re not his mom and that’s gonna get old fast. I think it’s normal around this time of five months to evaluate compatibility. He is who he is. Take it or leave  it. 

[Andrina]

4 hours ago, Milleniumeye said:

he also found ways to touch my hands or my face , and he couldn’t stop interviewing me, acting like he is such a good listener when I talked ( that fake interest that goes “ mhm, mhm keep going I’m listening “) he would look at my covered chest unapologetically

I don't get why you allowed him to touch you at all. If you didn't like it, why didn't you tell him to stop? You also don't have to keep engaging with someone who is staring at your chest.

Either tell your bf you'll no longer join him when he's hanging out with his buddies, and instead, you can double date with some of your own friends you enjoy. Or, break up if the relationship is more unsatisfying than satisfying.

[smackie9]

Obviously you come to this conclusion that this is how your BF is...a little slow, a bit thick headed. Guess what....this is who he is. Don't like it, breakup with him. This is why we date. To find out if they fulfill our expectations. He doesn't. Instead you are frustrated with his personality/behaviour, especially in social situations.

You like him, you have to be more understanding and patient with him. I suspect he's on the spectrum. You can't sit there, you have to be supportive and learn to navigate this situations with tact and grace. If you feel his friend gets out of line, YOU step up and shut him down. His friend's behaviour is atrocious. That should be your focus. He's been bullying your BF for some time and now he's starting in on you. Never let a man get away with such attitude, immature behaviours. Your BF isn't the problem here.

[Milleniumeye]

2 hours ago, smackie9 said:

Obviously you come to this conclusion that this is how your BF is...a little slow, a bit thick headed. Guess what....this is who he is. Don't like it, breakup with him. This is why we date. To find out if they fulfill our expectations. He doesn't. Instead you are frustrated with his personality/behaviour, especially in social situations.

You like him, you have to be more understanding and patient with him. I suspect he's on the spectrum. You can't sit there, you have to be supportive and learn to navigate this situations with tact and grace. If you feel his friend gets out of line, YOU step up and shut him down. His friend's behaviour is atrocious. That should be your focus. He's been bullying your BF for some time and now he's starting in on you. Never let a man get away with such attitude, immature behaviours. Your BF isn't the problem here.

You are right thank you for the feedback !!

[catfeeder]

Either you like and respect your BF, or not. If so, I'd tell him that I find his friends disrespectful and I won't be hanging out with them again. If he'd like to double date with one friend at a time along with his GF, I'd be willing to try that, but I won't ever attend anything where that whole mob is present--and I never want to see that one guy again.

If these jerks have influenced you to no longer respect your BF, then that's a private internal feeling that none of us here can judge. You feel how you feel. In that case, break up with BF so you both can find someone more suitable.

[Batya33]

OP when I was in my early 30s I met a friend of my then boyfriend (we are married now!).  He was a boor.  And a bore. He was visiting our city I think.  He said something asinine like "I think women should walk behind their man".  So I said "I'd feel sorry if a woman had to walk behind you and see your big behind" or something like that. I didn't need my boyfriend to chime in.  I took fine care of myself, thanks. And he is brilliant and emotionally intelligent -and from what I remember knew I'd likely have a perfectly appropriate come back line.

[Cherylyn]

Both of you are incompatible. 

His ways are not your ways and that's ok.  He's better suited to be with a woman who doesn't mind how he is and you're better suited to be with a man who has excellent social interaction skills,  possesses emotional maturity and emotional intelligence.   

I know someone who is nice as long as conversations are shallow and superficial.  It's the extent of what this man is willing to offer and his limited social experience is sad and obvious.  His emotional intelligence is non-existent.  Is this good enough?  If you don't mind limiting your interactions to the weather,  yes,  it suffices.  However, if I want more,  no,  this type of relationship grows boring by the second and often times I simply bow out.  😒

Some people don't know how to read the room nor adapt.  These are red flags because these types of people can't survive very well when socializing with most people. 

I've known people who are book smart, excel at work and very intelligent in that way.  However,  they're hopeless disasters when it comes to interpersonal skills and empathy.   Or, it can go in the other extreme where they're smart in the classroom and at work but selfish, mean and cruel when you get to know them better. 👿

What are you supposed to do?  Dump the boyfriend.  🙄

[ShySoul]

His friends were the ones being rude and disrespectful, not him. They are the ones you should be directing your anger towards. If they were saying or doing inappropriate things that bothered you, speak up for yourself and don't let them get away with. Every person at the table had an opportunity to behave differently, so it's not really fair to pin this on your boyfriend.

How long has he known these friends? If it goes back years, he may be so used to them that he isn't fazed by their behavior. People tend to trust long time friends and can ignore things about that anyone else would be bothered by. Or they make excuses for them. Add in his seemingly reserved nature, and it's likely he doesn't want to rock the boat by upsetting them. 

This is part of who he is. If you feel it's hurting you and hurting him, then you need to meet him where he is at. You need to gently push for him to be more assertive in these situations, make him aware of just how rude and disrespectful his friends were to him. People generally aren't receptive to being told to change or that they are being an idiot and a toddler, shy people particularly. So if you want to make it work, you'll need patience and a gentle hand.

[Cherylyn]

If you want to get to know a person,  look to his or her friends because this determines what his or her criteria is regarding values and what is important or unimportant to them regarding personality and character. 

Pay close attention to a person's discernment because this affects your relationship or friendship with them. 

If a person surrounds themselves with great,  very honorable,  moral and decent people,  this is a telltale sign that this person prefers high quality individuals in their life.  If a person socializes with subpar characters,  then he or she has low standards in people.