I found out my boyfriend hid his felony charge from me

[Minipic132]

5 hours ago, waffle said:

What's the felony for?

The felony is for shooting someone in the face with a bb gun, as they were trying to steal his truck. That was when he was 17, and he is 30 now. However, he's accumulated 4 more domestic violence charges, the last one being 4 years ago.

[Minipic132]

2 minutes ago, Capricorn3 said:

^ That right there would make me head for the hills and never look back.  Totally unacceptable behavior (imo) and certainly not a person I would go near, but that's just me.

You're only 6 months in and have more red warning flags than I've ever seen.  You really should take heed and end this.  The longer you stay, the more you tell him that his behavior is acceptable to you. 4 counts of domestic violence?  That doesn't tell you something?  You need a reality check - there's probably a lot more domestic violence reports that haven't been reported.

Very true.. And I'm absolutely still in shock, so thank you for saying that with tough love. 🙏

[Capricorn3]

Just now, Minipic132 said:

Very true.. And I'm absolutely still in shock, so thank you for saying that with tough love. 🙏

Remind yourself - a leopard doesn't change it's spots.

[Minipic132]

Domestic assault is domestic violence, correct? In my head, those are two kinds of terms but had to correct myself in case they were different 🙇‍♂️

[Capricorn3]

Just now, Minipic132 said:

Domestic assault is domestic violence, correct? In my head, those are two kinds of terms but had to correct myself in case they were different 🙇‍♂️

One and the same thing.

[Minipic132]

1 minute ago, Capricorn3 said:

Remind yourself - a leopard doesn't change it's spots.

*sigh* Indeed. Also, one cap to another, the tough love was a good wake up call, indeed 🐐😓🐆

[boltnrun]

Are you considering staying in this relationship? It sounds like it from the message you sent him.

Please be aware if you do choose to stay in this relationship you should not be surprised or shocked if/when he gets physically rough with you. 

[Minipic132]

4 minutes ago, Capricorn3 said:

One and the same thing.

Goodness. This is so completely and utterly terrible...

[Wiseman2]

38 minutes ago, Minipic132 said:

For shooting someone in the face with a bb gun. He was 17 when it happened. The fastest charge was 4years ago, and he has 4 counts of domestic violence.

Please run as fast as you can. Please delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps ASAP and permanently. 

[Minipic132]

1 minute ago, boltnrun said:

Are you considering staying in this relationship? It sounds like it from the message you sent him.

Please be aware if you do choose to stay in this relationship you should not be surprised or shocked if/when he gets physically rough with you. 

I was planning on it in the case of him cooperating and taking this in stride. But he hasn't answered back and his attitude last night paired with everyone's answers is revealing the seriousness of it all loud and clear. All my loved ones say get gone or firm boundaries. And I thought, dependant on how he reacted to my boundary, that that would decide which course of action to take... But I'm not going to put myself in danger, I will learn from my last relationship. And thank YOU, because I needed to hear that this is real and dangerous and my instincts are off completely. 

[Minipic132]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

Please run as fast as you can. Please delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps ASAP and permanently. 

Thank you for communicating the true gravity of the situation. I'm starting to see this not as a simple conflict to talk through, but serious & probable likelyhood of future safety concerns. This will not be my life.

[boltnrun]

1 minute ago, Minipic132 said:

was planning on it in the case of him cooperating and taking this in stride.

So you are going to let HIM decide if you stay with a domestic abuser? How does that even make sense?

And I'm flabbergasted at the importance you're placing on Valentine's Day. How is spending the day with a four time convicted domestic abuser romantic?

Please don't listen to anyone who says this can be managed with "boundaries". He obviously doesn't have any respect for boundaries. 

[Minipic132]

2 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

So you are going to let HIM decide if you stay with a domestic abuser? How does that even make sense?

And I'm flabbergasted at the importance you're placing on Valentine's Day. How is spending the day with a four time convicted domestic abuser romantic?

Please don't listen to anyone who says this can be managed with "boundaries". He obviously doesn't have any respect for boundaries. 

Very true. I'm simply needing to grieve not having that holiday is all, so I was caught up on it. Denial. Thank you for expressing the seriousness here. And you're right, it wouldn't had been romantic 😞

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, Minipic132 said:

I've had a history with abuse, and it feels normal. I've done alot of therapy, but I still have wide blindspots I'm realizing

I can relate to this^ (my mom) and unless someone has been through it, it's difficult to understand.  So just wanted to say that I DO understand and absolutely no judgment.  

It's not just the abuse but the chaos surrounding it; it's "familiar" and feels comfortable however crazy that sounds.

Pretty much my entire childhood was chaotic due to my mom's abuse (verbal and at times physical) and as an adult, I sought out that same chaos in my relationships subconciously.

You have not experienced verbal abuse with your current boyfriend (although one could argue him shutting down your attempts to talk are abuse), but I would encourage you to imagine having him lash out at you, verbally assault you, humiliate you and/or otherwise aim his rage and unhappiness with himself towards you OR to others about you.

And how would that make you feel?  At first you may feel "numb" to it and believe you can "handle it" but trust me it WILL take its toll and eventually (may even be about something minor) it will hurt you quite deeply and cause a tremendous amount of anger and total lack of respect for HIM and yourself for basically allowing yourself to tolerate it.

Four years is NOT a long time.  I do believe people can change but it takes a long time, many many years, deep introspection, therapy and a genuine desire and willingness to change.

If that person continues receiving positive reinforcement through your acceptance of it even if legally they suffered the consequences, they will never change imho and experience.

 

[Wiseman2]

20 minutes ago, Minipic132 said:

. I'm simply needing to grieve not having that holiday is all, so I was caught up on it. Denial. 

Please Google "Hybristophilia" . It's basically women who are attracted to dangerous criminals thinking their grand love will reform them and they are immune to the danger. 

[rainbowsandroses]

@Minipic132I hope you will continue with your therapy to help you sort through these issues, they can be deeply complicated.  I have been in therapy off and on; currently I am in a new relationship and chose to go back to it.

Without sharing too much personal information, my boyfriend also grew up in an environment with abuse; there is a reason why such people are drawn to each other imo.

He has worked extremely hard to overcome and now counsels men who struggle with abuse in their own lives.

I am not quite as evolved as he is in that regard but I am getting there!

You will too!  And I wish you luck whatever you decide.  🙂

[Starlight925]

He lied.  He's been arrested for domestic violence not once, not twice....but FOUR times.

Please don't end up a statistic.  We want you to be back here, telling us how you're navigating life alone, as a single woman, learning how to date sweet, honest guys.  They're out there, I promise.

[catfeeder]

4 hours ago, Minipic132 said:

(----> This was actually my message that I sent him today.) ...

I don't understand why you would write any of this knowing about 4 domestic violence charges.

You're at only 6 months with a clear exit. Why would you not take it?

[rainbowsandroses]

14 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

You're at only 6 months with a clear exit. Why would you not take it?

Because of this:

5 hours ago, Minipic132 said:

I've had a history with abuse, and it feels normal.

That, and denial, which she admitted to which is actually the first step in moving away from denial and towards healing.

OP, again please continue with your therapy.

[Tinydance]

5 hours ago, Minipic132 said:

For shooting someone in the face with a bb gun. He was 17 when it happened. The fastest charge was 4years ago, and he has 4 counts of domestic violence.

Well all these sound absolutely awful. I don't think I've ever dated someone with a felony but I don't think I could forgive ones like domestic violence or shooting a person. I mean these are clear indicators this is a violent person towards others. If someone was a "changed man", they would have done it only once. He's done this many times. And his reaction to you finding out is another example of his aggression.

[Tinydance]

1 hour ago, Starlight925 said:

He lied.  He's been arrested for domestic violence not once, not twice....but FOUR times.

Please don't end up a statistic.  We want you to be back here, telling us how you're navigating life alone, as a single woman, learning how to date sweet, honest guys.  They're out there, I promise.

100% this.

[Kwothe28]

From BB gun, to shoooting the guy in the face and then stealing the truck, that story goes worse every time its told. 4 more domestic violence charges? He racks them up like he plays poker with them lol. 

Look, one time you maybe can excuse it with him being a kid. And even that is debatable because

a) 17 is not a kid anymore, in some states you are an adult with that age and can answer for your own actions in court

b) BB guns can also kill people so he literally shot to kill somebody

Multiple times and its a pattern. And sure, whole justice system relies on the notion how people will change behavior by punishment and be a changed person after they come through it. But the truth is, that rarely happens. Somebody who shots somebody in the face wont have some cathartic change later in life. Especially when they repeat the same pattern of behavior 4 times. Run from there as soon as you can.

Also

14 hours ago, Minipic132 said:

and were vegan

get away from vegans. Weird people and red flag by itself. Do you know who also was a vegan? Hitler.

[boltnrun]

4 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

get away from vegans. Weird people and red flag by itself.

Not true.  But stay away from violent felons and multiple time domestic abusers.

[Kwothe28]

4 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Not true. 

Its nothing but the truth. Dont let boomers without sense of humor tell you differently.

[boltnrun]

21 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Its nothing but the truth. Dont let boomers without sense of humor tell you differently.

Not a "boomer".  And I got you were being tongue-in-cheek.  But I was concerned the OP wouldn't see the humor.