Am I really that awful for ruining my now ex boyfriend's birthday?

[Millie_]

Hi, I have been with my now ex boyfriend for 2 years. It has not been perfect because he has jealousy and possessives tendencies. He also tends to take it out on me when things are going bad for him.

He is currently unemployed (has been for 4-5 months) so he has been more mean to me lately.

Last Thursday it was his birthday so I made a reservation at a very nice place, I bought a birthday gift for him but as soon as he entered the place I could sense he was in a bad mood.

He started complaining about the place, about how loud it was, about me and also started ignoring me to be on his phone.

At one point of the night I went to the bathroom to cry. By the end of the night I was so upset that I said to him “fine, then you can take care of your own bill” and I left the place but I immediately regret it so I went back to the place and paid for the bill.

He was furious, he told me that he never wanted to see me again, that I ruined his birthday, that I’m needy and codependent and he doesn’t like anything about me.

He abandoned me at the place. I cried for 3 days tried to talk to him but he is just ignoring me and blocking me.

I don’t know why I did to deserve this. He doesn’t have a lot of friends, so I’m always planning fun things, I have 2 jobs, I have a career, I’m pretty and my only problem is that I am codependent but I have been in therapy for that.

My friend says that he is just punishing me and he will be back to give me the chance to “apologize” but that day he was so furious, he says he never wants to see me again.

I think he is done with me. He says I disrespected him.

[smackie9]

Dump the butt head please. Passive aggressive jerk. he's the one that is abusive and disrespectful. You should stay away from him for now on. 

[Coily]

From what we've been told, you did nothing wrong. From what we can read this is all about something in his life, not your actions. 

I think you should welcome this chance to free yourself from this relationship. Focus on yourself for a bit.

[boltnrun]

Your friend is encouraging you to stay with this abusive ass butt? Some friend 🙄

He did you a favor. You can continue therapy so when a nice gentleman who treats you well comes along you'll be emotionally healthy. 

[Kwothe28]

Nah, I think you are a good person. Unfortunately in a very bad relationship with somebody that doesnt appreciate you one bit. That does require reflection on your own and why you are letting somebody like that into your life. But as far as the whole situation goes, you should have left him there to pay and be done with him. 

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, Millie_ said:

At one point of the night I went to the bathroom to cry. By the end of the night I was so upset that I said to him “fine, then you can take care of your own bill” and I left the place but I immediately regret it so I went back to the place and paid for the bill.

Bolded - that was your first mistake.  If that were me and my boyfriend treated me the way he treated you, I would have excused myself and left HIM with the bill.

We teach people through our actions and responses how to treat us.  You have been teaching him all along that it's OK to treat you so disrespectfully and horribly because YOU allow it and accept it.

 

1 hour ago, Millie_ said:

He abandoned me at the place. I cried for 3 days tried to talk to him but he is just ignoring me and blocking me.

Second mistake.  Trying to talk to him after he left you there and his overall abusive treatment.

May I ask why in the world you would attempt to talk to this "person" after his abhorrent treatment?  

Serious question.  Again, we teach people how to treat us.

Nevermind HIM, he's an ***hole, no question.  Best to look within yourself to determine why you choose (or at this point chose) and yes it IS/was a choice to stay with him.  

I'm not judging cause I allowed myself to get involved with a-holes too.

Difference is, I didn't blame them, I blamed myself for allowing myself to continue the involvement.

There's a difference.

NO, you are definitely not awful. 

The only thing you were "wrong" about imo was remaining in a relationship with a person who treated you so disrespectfully and horribly.

There is a big lesson to learn from this, and wish you all the best.

[MissCanuck]

4 hours ago, Millie_ said:

I think he is done with me

Why are you not done with him? 

 

[Capricorn3]

6 hours ago, smackie9 said:

Dump the butt head please. Passive aggressive jerk. he's the one that is abusive and disrespectful. You should stay away from him for now on. 

^ I second the above.  Please stay away from him.  This will only get worse.  Can you imagine a lifetime with this kind of abuse every day?  Seriously girl, run, and the sooner the better.

I don't understand why you think you "ruined his birthday"?? 🤔 The only one who did ruin the day was him with his bad mood and bad behaviour and being disrespectful towards you.  Do not allow him to treat you this way!  As long as you allow it, he will continue to treat you badly.

Please leave him and continue with your therapy and don't look back.

[Cherylyn]

Being jealous and possessiveness does not fall into the category of being merely imperfect.  He has serious character defects. 

He's unemployed.  Note that regarding human nature,  whenever life is wonderful especially with stable,  predictable,  comfortable economics and sound health,  people in general tend to behave nicer.  That's a fact.  Whenever life is off kilter,  people are irritable until their own life is smooth.

No,  you're not awful for ruining his birthday.  In his mind,  he feels always ruined all by itself until he can be happily employed.  Until then,  the world is rotten to him including you in it.  This is despite your efforts to celebrate his birthday. 

He's gaslighting you.  He doesn't take ownership for how he mistreats you.  He deflects and causes you to think you're the crazy one and not he.  ☹️

Never grovel and apologize.  I did that years ago much to my regret!  You did nothing wrong and have nothing to be sorry for.  Dump him back and YOU be done with him.  Consider him yesterday's trash. 🗑️He's very disrespectful and rude.  Move on so you can heal and either enjoy being by yourself or afford to be pickier and choosier in your future with a man who will treat you with honor and class. 🙏

Take your control and power back.  Keep moving forward.