High paying job is too stressful

[jnr586]

I’ve been in my job for almost 9 years. This started as a dream job, and many aspects have been fantastic. I’ve moved further up in management over the past 2 years and have been able to buy shares in the company. I’m making more than I ever imagined I could. 
 

However as I move up in the company I’ve become acutely aware of mid/upper level dysfunction, poor communication, and characteristics of a toxic work environment. I’ve tried to make a positive difference at this level but it’s only caused me frustration and stress that at times can be all-consuming. I’m not the same person I was when I started working here. Hours are long and it’s difficult to leave work at work. 

I have resolved that I need to get out eventually. My spouse and I would like to move closer to our families (much higher cost of living there). I’m struggling with how soon to go and how long to save as it’s unlikely that I’d earn as much closer to home than I can earn here. Because I am invested in the company I’m required to give at least 12 months’ notice without sustaining a major financial penalty. 
 

I’d like to hang on a few more years as I know moving home will be much more comfortable if I can save more here. I know there isn’t an easy answer to my gripe, and perhaps I just need to vent, but was curious if this resonated with anyone. 

[catfeeder]

Congrats on your upward mobility and ability to navigate this situation so far.

 You may want to try out two tests which can benefit you to some degree even if they aren’t spectacular successes. One is a downsizing test, the other is how well you can psychologically decathect from your job even while still performing well.

Downsizing can amplify your ability to save up even while it may inform your future choices in housing. If you sell your current home along with unneeded toys, cars, equipment, clothing, etc., you can move to a less costly place and bank the difference. This may teach you how well you can enjoy a minimalist lifestyle, which can inform your larger decisions down the road.

Psychological reduction of stress from your work is a continual adjustment of your emotional investment in outcomes along with a relaxation of your assumptions about how you are perceived by others. This isn’t about dropping your standards to the ground, but rather assessing how much of your performance jumps too high over the bar, and how much of that is habitual rather than necessary. This kind of mental downsizing can not only reduce pressure, it can actually raise performance as a result of increased enjoyment—of simplicity, of subtleties in people and your shared human experiences, all kinds of emotional things that people tend to report about suddenly enjoying the last few weeks of their jobs AFTER giving notice of resignation. Experiment with enjoying that kind of mental liberation, and also see how well this may impact your downsizing test.

Write more if it helps, and enjoy this nice problem to have. It’s a fabulous topic!

[catfeeder]

Forgot to mention one more idea that can reduce pressure of an exit strategy. Explore the feasibility of transferring to a remote consultant role after leaving your current role. This might mean you can retain a good relationship with partners, and more importantly, a great income based on your specialized expertise, even while permitting the kind of geographic move you desire.

[Batya33]

Do you think one reason you find it toxic is because you're simply there far too many hours -and then not leaving work at work? (I do this too -the latter -and I worked in environments like this for the 15 years I worked in environments like you describe -not all toxic though!

[Cherylyn]

Yes,  I had planned to leave my stressful job which required a lot of traveling.  The money was great but I spent more time at airports and hotels than I did at home.  I was gone anywhere from several weeks to a month at a time,  traveled across the country and back 18 times within 2 years. ☹️ I burned out. 

Since I didn't have the luxury to simply inform my company of my resignation,  I made sure I secured my new job before I left my current job. 

The transition was great,  closer to home,  it was a promotion and better paying job than my previous job.  If I must travel,  it is quite rare. 

Change is good as long as it's advanced,  calculated,  shrewd, organized planning.  ☺️ Preparation is key.

[tattoobunnie]

On 2/5/2024 at 11:21 AM, jnr586 said:

However as I move up in the company I’ve become acutely aware of mid/upper level dysfunction, poor communication, and characteristics of a toxic work environment. I’ve tried to make a positive difference at this level but it’s only caused me frustration and stress that at times can be all-consuming. I’m not the same person I was when I started working here. Hours are long and it’s difficult to leave work at work. 

This is how it always is with middle/upper level management. ANYWHERE.  Small to multi-billion dollar companies.  You won't escape it.  Even if you own your own business, you get a different set of headaches from employee retention to massive power outages, to dealing with hackers.  Your best bet is to really enjoy the down time you do get, and do your best.  I feel you are taking the failings personally, where there are so many wheels spinning and elements you are not in control of.  

I get not living close to family is hard. If you staff appreciates you, and you are recognized for good work, I would at this point consider a mentor to power through your rut.

[jnr586]

Thanks to you all for the helpful and thoughtful replies. I do think I need to take things less personally and that is something that I am starting to realize and work on. It is hard to stand by and observe dysfunction but I suppose this is what being an adult is. I do suspect that the environment is more toxic here than average but I recognize that I’d likely encounter significant dysfunction nearly anywhere else. 
 

I do plan to change jobs eventually. As I’m solidly mid career and mid life (41), I am becoming keenly aware that the years are going to go fast. If they are, I’d rather have them go fast closer to home. I’m an overanalyzer and a planner, and I’ll admit that I fear I’ll regret working away these good years for people who don’t really appreciate me enough (in my opinion) in a job that depletes my mental health while my parents remain relatively healthy. In my 20s and even 30s, 30 years was a timespan that was difficult to comprehend, but I appreciate better how quickly the next 30 might go. I’ve seen many older colleagues go through some pretty severe burnout, divorces, and mental health issues to the point where they’re simply going through the motions now, although no one seems to address this. I’ve worked too hard and have too wonderful and supportive of a spouse to let that happen to me.
 

Not knowing exactly what I want to do adds to my stress. But in the meantime I’ll focus mostly on controlling what I can control and not letting the things I can’t get to me too much. By leaving I will give up some great things, but I am pretty sure I won’t regret it once it happens. 
 

 

[Batya33]

28 minutes ago, jnr586 said:

It is hard to stand by and observe dysfunction but I suppose this is what being an adult is.

It's a shame you see this so negatively.  One thing that helped me when I worked in a high stress job for 15 years was doing weekly volunteer work -did that for the last 6 years of the 15 years. It was going across town once a week to a homeless shelter in the early evening - I was in my late 30s - it meant leaving work a bit on the earlier side.  For about 1.5 of those years I worked for a particularly toxic company and I remember one night one of my bosses commented -seeing me at the elevator at 6PM "oh leaving early I see!" I smiled and said "yes on Tuesday nights I read to homeless children at the shelter where they live with their mothers.  I'll log in later tonight  - if you need anything!".  It felt awesome to say that.  And just being in that environment with other well-meaning people and children was a good balance, a good reset.  Sometimes we'd go out after. I'm still in touch with a few of them -I stopped in 2008.  

I'd quit the whole pity party/I'm a martyr/my hands are tied. Soooo Debbie Downer! No need to look at the bright side but I do think finding balance is essential and each week have a goal of spreading good karma even in a small way. That is part of being an adult. 

I quit full time work at 42 when I was a newlywed and brand new mom.  I started my job as SAHM for the next 7 years.  Talk about "being an adult" and "dysfunction" -like my infant did NOT read the sleep training book and no one gave me a Parenting Manual!! But I mean it came with the territory, right? Part of being that sort of adult who wanted to parent a child just like you are that sort of adult who wants a job that's not just a job. Upsides and downsides -yes?

You'll also make better choices for next steps with a more balanced perspective.  

I really love the points Tattobunnie made, too.

Good luck!

[boltnrun]

I will caution you that it's more difficult to job search the closer you get to age 60. I am in my late 50s. I was job searching a couple of years ago. Some companies wouldn't even interview me due to my age. I did get a second interview at one company but the minute the business owner saw my gray hair she was no longer interested. I was fortunate to find my current job, which is well paying and that I love, but I had to start out as a contract worker.

It seems you are more skilled and perhaps more specialized than I am, so you may have an easier time. However, my brother, who is 60, just found out he will be made redundant at the end of the year. His industry is specialized so hopefully his knowledge and experience will be valuable to a company in his industry. 

I do know job stress can cause health issues so I hope you find a solution that works best for you. 

[jnr586]

@boltnrun yes absolutely. I realize that I’m in a good position now and don’t want to waste that. 
 

@Batya33 I should try to clarify. Not trying to sound like a Debbie Downer!! I do not want to come off as a martyr. I’d say that I’ve tried to improve parts of my working environment and some of the resistance I’ve met is expecting people to change. I maintain that there are people in my company who are in roles that they are not suited for, but I am trying hard to accept the things I can’t change and to stay in a positive state of mind. I’ve woken up in the middle of the night (even while on vacation!) fretting about my job. Not healthy!! So yes, the dysfunction is absolutely there but I’m working to not let it affect me so much.
 

Thank you!!

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, jnr586 said:

@boltnrun yes absolutely. I realize that I’m in a good position now and don’t want to waste that. 
 

@Batya33 I should try to clarify. Not trying to sound like a Debbie Downer!! I do not want to come off as a martyr. I’d say that I’ve tried to improve parts of my working environment and some of the resistance I’ve met is expecting people to change. I maintain that there are people in my company who are in roles that they are not suited for, but I am trying hard to accept the things I can’t change and to stay in a positive state of mind. I’ve woken up in the middle of the night (even while on vacation!) fretting about my job. Not healthy!! So yes, the dysfunction is absolutely there but I’m working to not let it affect me so much.
 

Thank you!!

Makes perfect sense. I agree don't expect people to change (except I did big time because when I was promoted I was not good at managing people but I learned and I was praised for the significant changes I made).  I only work part time and too often I'll think of something middle of night work-related and jot it down - I have pen and paper on the nightstand.  So much for leaving work at work.  I am truly blessed that I work in a really supportive environment with thoughtful, smart, hard working people -7 years now.  And from all I can see the full timers feel exactly the same. I'll tell you I'm sure I appreciate it even more because of the contrasts from the past.  I met my husband at one of the less than functional companies we both worked at!  Sometimes there is a silver lining.

[tattoobunnie]

21 hours ago, Batya33 said:

It's a shame you see this so negatively.  One thing that helped me when I worked in a high stress job for 15 years was doing weekly volunteer work

Yes, I volunteer with Cub Scouts! While it's a lot of work, it really makes my day working with the families.  I am very proud to do so.

 

19 hours ago, jnr586 said:

I’ve woken up in the middle of the night (even while on vacation!) fretting about my job.

Doesn't everybody who isn't a sociopath at a high level or key positions think like this? Maybe it's a Gen-X thing.   But I only find people who aren't stressed about their work are people in positions that can be replaced since all of training are easily transferable with handbooks that has all common protocols and practices in it.  But in this scenario, I do recommend weekly yoga for you.  I know that sounds like I'm not taking you seriously, but that will help in this case.

[Starlight925]

I was in an almost identical situation in my early 40's, and no, not all companies/managment are like this.

I took a huge risk and made a complete career change at 42, and I've been doing my job for almost 20 years now, same company.

I remember crying on Sunday nights as Monday was going to be back to sociopathic, horrible people.  Everyone seemed out to climb on top of you, or push you out of the way, take credit for your work.

I am here to tell you, it's not all like that and I'm also sorry to say that while volunteer work, a better social life, etc., are nice, they won't quell the issue, as the same awful people and management style exist on Monday morning at these toxic workplaces.

I'm also here to tell you that you are at a perfect age for a career change.  Buff up your resume and see what's out there.  Of course, don't quit until you find something.

I was at the highest paying point in my career when, at the end of my rope from the toxicity, I screamed at the President of the company I was with, and the next words were "I hope you have your resume ready".   I did not.  But I polished it up, landed on my feet, and 19 years later, that President and I actually very recently had a very nice text exchange, and they paid for my dinner when I met up with some old coworkers from there.  Life moves on.

Oh!  The money was made up along the way, with better benefits, better perks, and nicer people to work with.

[Batya33]

5 hours ago, Starlight925 said:

same awful people and management style exist on Monday morning at these toxic workplaces.

I worked at two places that were particularly awful.  One -I was ready to leave - I'd been interviewing etc when I had the opportunity to move with the team I'd come with elsewhere -so I did that and they couldn't have paid me enough to stay.  The other place was not a big corporate place and as "luck" would have it after a week I got sick enough to be hospitalized, then went on medical leave and then never returned -I was in my early 20s.

[tattoobunnie]

I very much respect what Starlight is saying. Your age is a great time for switching it up.  Just keep in mind, depending how far up the food chain you are at, there are still plenty of incompetent people and grown-ups that act like babies you still have to deal with. If the toxicity comes from the top down, there's no real escaping that there.

My hubs has done major work & industry changes from his 20's to mid 40's, from restaurants to energy, and he still calls it a daycare from his current and for other positions prior; one private, to both global, one multi-million, to two several billion.