I am 27M and my wife is 26F. HELP NEEDED regarding my wife and her best friend!

[ram432]

I am 27M and my wife is 26F. HELP NEEDED regarding my wife and her best friend (M28) who is now showing signs of love, clinginess and possessiveness towards my wife. 

I am 27M and my wife is 26F.

We got married recently. My wife has a best friend (M28). 

Before our marriage she told me that her best friend has expressed his love and proposed to her multiple times. But every time she rejected the proposal and asked him only to be her best friend for life. 

BACK STORY: It seems that every now and then he continued expressing his desire to marry her by using statements like "I miss you", "I love you", "Marry me please". But each of those time she rejected his proposal asking him only to be a best friend. He continued to do this until he got married to another girl. After which he stopped expressing his love directly to my wife who was single at that time. After his marriage, he continued speaking with my wife in secret against his wife's clear expression of intent for him not to do so. My wife who was single at that time continued encouraging his behavior against his wife's intentions. 

Then I met my wife and we got married. During marriage I just knew that my wife has a friend who had proposed to her in the past, but now they are just friends, which wasn't a big reg flag for me. Then I knew their back story months after our marriage. It felt as if he was still in love with my wife but just that he didn't use words like "I miss you" or "I love you". Their relationship didn't sit well with me and so I expressed my boundaries and reservations to my wife. She understood for a brief moment and reduced speaking with him. Soon after she did that, he started showing signs of clinginess and possessiveness, and is now asking my wife continuously to speak with him. My wife also now shows intent to continue speaking with him. 

what is going on between them and am I wrong in expressing my boundaries and reservations to my wife. ?
 

 

 

[MissCanuck]

3 hours ago, ram432 said:

am I wrong in expressing my boundaries and reservations to my wife. ?

Why are you even questioning this? It is normal to be very concerned when you see another man hovering around your partner, OP. 

But the problem lies more with your wife than with him. He is beyond inappropriate, and yet she keeps him around. If that's not an enormous red flag (about her), then I don't know what is. She enables this and you should be deeply concerned. She is naive and blowing smoke up your backside if she truly thinks they can be "best friends for life." Come on. 

You need to re-evaluate who have married.

 

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, ram432 said:

 I met my wife and we got married. During marriage I just knew that my wife has a friend who had proposed to her in the past, but now they are just friends,  I expressed my boundaries and reservations to my wife. 

Sorry this is happening. How long have you known each other and how long have you been married? Is this an arranged marriage? 

They seem to be having a long standing emotional affair. Please consider marriage therapy or having the marriage annulled. He is not " her friend". 

[Batya33]

It is wrong of your wife to continue this one sided friendship -one comment -fine.  Otherwise you back off from a so-called friend who continues to pursue a romance.  Especially if you have a committed romantic partner. 

I've had male friends get close to the line but not with asking me out -more like "I miss you!" from a friend who visits our city once a year or so - I couldn't meet up this time with him and his friends - I didn't respond to that as it's .... not quite appropriate. Happened only once. But my husband knows him and he does IT work for us. 

Or - my really close guy friend from grad school in the 90s has been referring to me as "cute as a button" for 25 years or so once in awhile -I mean, sure, fine, he's happily married, thinks my husband is great and just as often comments how "we all look great" when he sees a photo/gets a holiday card.  He did ask me out one time when he met me, when I was single and I said no and that was the end of it - almost 30 years ago.  Had he kept asking me out - I'd have had to back off from a friendship. 

Your wife either has no backbone or LOVES the attention so much she prioritizes it over being with you.  Not good.  They are not "friends" in any genuine sense -he's only her friend so he can wait in the wings for his turn.  But he is not the issue. Your wife is.

[smackie9]

Communication is your only solution to this. Man up and put your foot down. Tell her it's not appropriate for them to be "friends" or in contact with each other because in no way this is a friendship. This should have ended ages ago. I suggest you both go to marriage counselling. If there is no hope in hell then end the marriage.

[catfeeder]

12 hours ago, ram432 said:

Then I met my wife and we got married.

How long were you dating before you got engaged, and how long was your engagement?

None of this stuff ever came up during that time?

[reinventmyself]

Does this friend of hers come around and socialize with the both of you?

I ask because when I was married, I went through something similar.   I had two male best friends, and they ultimately became just as much my husband's friends as mine.  They supported my marriage and at some point we are all double dating and socializing together with their ladies.

My husband on the other hand had a woman friend I never met who used to call often and send gifts etc.  When I voiced concerns, he compared it to the male friends.  I laid a firm boundary at the time.  If she couldn't come over and instead appeared to be some sort of secret friend, then it was a no go.  She needed to be just as inclusive as my friends and vice versa.

If this guy is intentionally creating tension in your marriage, then he's not her friend.

[catfeeder]

1 hour ago, reinventmyself said:

If this guy is intentionally creating tension in your marriage, then he's not her friend.

...and if wife is going along with it, then she's not your friend, either.