5 Years - Confused. Should I be Hopeful?

[Marquette96]

Myself (27) and my girlfriend (25) have dated for just over 5 years. We broke up for around 2 months 3 years in to allow me to work through poor mental health and grieve a family loss. It felt mutual.  After that we became stronger and began to live together for just over a year. My girlfriend then started her masters and we became long distance for the last 5 months. We spent the holidays together and was great.  She abruptly ended things over the phone saying she needed to feel alone and independent. We met a week later and had a long conversation which was productive.  We shared some laughs and tears. She spoke about some co dependency we have.  I shared that I view her as a life partner but agreed no contact was the best path forward. A few days later her family texted me individual saying they were sorry to hear and here for me. 
 A few days after that, she accidentally messaged me and hoped I was doing well.  Another two weeks past of no contact, and I reached out to see if we could meet in a mutual point as I knew both be in the same area. She responded by saying it is too soon for any meet up, but said if it was urgent she would talk. I respected her and said I understand and went back into NC.  She is under pressure in her studies and wasn’t doing the best mentally before hand. 
I feel confident and hopeful as she hasn’t fully shut any doors. I really love her and have told her I see my life with her and am flexible to work through any problems or support her.  Our families love each other as well. 
How do you think I should approach this situation? Should I reach  out again in a few weeks? I think deep down she knows our relationship was not the problem and maybe this gives us time to work on ourselves before we truly commit to the next level. 
 

[Andrina]

On again, off again relationships are a major sign the relationship isn't the right one for you. You released each other twice already, knowing that could spell forever, and you were both okay with that. 

She broke up over the phone after 5 years together, when she could have easily done this in person since she saw you a week later? Wow, harsh.

I only know if someone is willing to let me go without wanting to work on problems with me, it means they don't care enough. Caring is important in healthy, lifelong, satisfying relationships. Speaking for myself, I've never taken an ex back. I've also never remained in contact, as I needed closure and I don't believe in keeping exes as friends. That sort of behavior has served me well in life. 

I wish you well. Perhaps with time and distance, you can gain a clearer perspective .

[smackie9]

All you can do is back off, and give her, her space. 

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, Marquette96 said:

She spoke about some co dependency we have

What is she referring to here? What relationship behaviour does she (or you) consider to be codependent? 

1 hour ago, Marquette96 said:

Should I reach  out again in a few weeks?

No. As she was the dumper, leave this to her. Otherwise you won't know if she responds to you just to be polite or because she has a genuine interest in reconnecting. 

1 hour ago, Marquette96 said:

think deep down she knows our relationship was not the problem

She specifically referenced you two being codependent, though. If that is not the problem, what do you believe is? 

[Marquette96]

To answer a few of your questions. She thinks the codependency stems from me not having enough hobbies and for her being sheltered from going to parties and hanging out with friends. In reality, I work 60hrs a week in a good career and she is a student who quite frankly isn’t much for going out as a person anyhow. 
I believe the problem is she is in a bit of flight mode, nervous as she needs to do well in school to onto a PhD. She also may feel like she’s hit 25/26 and is getting closer to being past her prime? We both have lived separately due to distance the past few months as it stands so we were fairly independent couple.  I think she needs to feel alone for a while and just focus on what’s in front of her? 

[boltnrun]

So, that is not "codependency". Codependency means doing things for others people to the point where you put yourself into bad, tenuous or even dangerous situations just so the other person won't abandon or stop loving you.

What you're describing is plain dependency. It means you rely on your romantic partner to be your everything. Instead of developing your own sense of self you absorb hers. And that can be extremely smothering. Most healthy people don't want to be someone's everything, even if they do truly love them. 

She may circle back at some point. Or she may not. In the meantime, why not see what else the world has to offer? I don't mean other women but just in general. 

[Batya33]

22 minutes ago, Marquette96 said:

To answer a few of your questions. She thinks the codependency stems from me not having enough hobbies and for her being sheltered from going to parties and hanging out with friends. In reality, I work 60hrs a week in a good career and she is a student who quite frankly isn’t much for going out as a person anyhow. 
I believe the problem is she is in a bit of flight mode, nervous as she needs to do well in school to onto a PhD. She also may feel like she’s hit 25/26 and is getting closer to being past her prime? We both have lived separately due to distance the past few months as it stands so we were fairly independent couple.  I think she needs to feel alone for a while and just focus on what’s in front of her? 

I will be blunt. In my opinion the problem is she’s no longer interested enough in sharing her life with you in a serious romantic relationship. The rest is just excuses. And abstract pretzel twisting stuff like needing to feel alone and focus on what’s in front of her.

Ironically. I need that this very second. I’m burnt out from so much stress from all sides this week. I just got a big and surprisingl reprieve in the last hour. I want to be alone and focus on nothing intense. I need a break.

AND. It would never occur to me to ask for or desire a break from my marriage or from being with my husband.  Why? Because at the core I want to be with him. It’s my priority. Our commitment. So whatever life flings at me doesn’t shake the core. For her it does because the core isn’t strong enough anymore. So she goes to “see ya I need space and NC” because that’s where she’s at. Give her NC and twice the space she seems to need.  Don’t give her the benefit of your friendship either.  And I’m sorry. 

[MissCanuck]

Had you noticed anything off in the months since she has been away, OP? 

 

[Cherylyn]

She's not serious about you.  Don't give any hope to this situation.  Remain realistic and keep moving forward.

[catfeeder]

4 hours ago, Marquette96 said:

How do you think I should approach this situation? Should I reach  out again in a few weeks?

No, the person who needs the space also needs to be the one to initiate any contact. Otherwise, neither of you can trust that she's engaging voluntarily, but only being polite, even while she doesn't desire to be in contact.

 

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, Marquette96 said:

 began to live together for just over a year. My girlfriend then started her masters and we became long distance for the last 5 months. 

Sorry this is happening. It seems like a lot of stress for both of you. Especially the long distance aspect. Unfortunately it seems she's tiptoeing out of the relationship by using the "space" explanation.

Perhaps she's stressed at her new location or campus, perhaps she met someone. All you can do is take care of yourself and step back. 

[Marquette96]

On 1/26/2024 at 9:25 PM, MissCanuck said:

Had you noticed anything off in the months since she has been away, OP? 

 

She was going thru a lot of stress and even said she was going to reach out for some therapy for herself.  When we first met for the holidays she seemed very down. After a few days being back home and us together she became herself again. She doesn’t handle stress well. But it’s the first time she’s really moved away and became independent and made new friends for who she is now, not just childhood. I was so happy for her.  That’s why when she said too soon to meet up two weeks ago, I really feel she meant that in a positive way? She could have easily said no I don’t think it’s a good idea to meet up and left it there. 

[Marquette96]

On 1/27/2024 at 12:37 AM, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. It seems like a lot of stress for both of you. Especially the long distance aspect. Unfortunately it seems she's tiptoeing out of the relationship by using the "space" explanation.

Perhaps she's stressed at her new location or campus, perhaps she met someone. All you can do is take care of yourself and step back. 

I have now stepped back, I am hopeful she will engage. I feel she is stressed and so think she has found new purpose in her career (something I want for her) and I don’t think I will detract from. 
 

I am in it for the long haul so will see what she says when she reaches back out. Assuming that will be in the next month or so. 

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, Marquette96 said:

I have now stepped back, I am hopeful she will engage. I feel she is stressed and so think she has found new purpose in her career (something I want for her) and I don’t think I will detract from. 
 

I am in it for the long haul so will see what she says when she reaches back out. Assuming that will be in the next month or so. 

Do you want to be with someone for the long haul who is this deficient at handling stress? What if she goes MIA when you have family responsibilities, in the middle of moving, house renovations, etc 

[MissCanuck]

8 hours ago, Marquette96 said:

She could have easily said no I don’t think it’s a good idea to meet up and left it there.

She could have, but please don't take that as anything more than a gentle "no" to your offer. It doesn't mean she is actually leaving any door open. 

8 hours ago, Marquette96 said:

She doesn’t handle stress well.

Many people don't. But really, most don't leave their partners over it either. Rather, they seek out partners as a source of comfort and support. She instead has chosen to shut this down altogether. Be mindful about what that says regarding her ability to handle life stress, of which there is plenty for everybody. 

8 hours ago, Marquette96 said:

But it’s the first time she’s really moved away and became independent and made new friends

Any chance she's met another guy in this new group?