Have I been used?

[Batya33]

Just now, rainbowsandroses said:

I don't either and didn't see where the OP did either.   If you read something different, I'd be curious where. 

From what I read she said NOT one word to him about how anxious she felt.  She contained her anxiety, and they scheduled another dare. 

If one's emotions aren't a factor in their sexual experience whether it's a ONS, casual, serious or something in between, then they're a robot. 

JMO, obviously you feel differently so let's just leave it there. 

No I mean her sense she was used.  Her expectations after she had casual sex. I don't think she burdened him in this situation. No I don't think people who don't feel very sensitive or emotional about sex are necessarily robots at all.  Sex can be fun ,thrilling, no biggie or the opposite or a mish mash. I don't agree with your generalizations and I really despise when women regret having casual sex and then do a victim type thing "I was used/ he was only after sex" etc.  I know women and men who get extremely emotional about sex or very -and they should decide whether the emotional risks of casual sex are worth the pleasure.

Some people are robots about having sex, some are very emotional, some cannot enjoy it without being exclusive, in love, committed (pick me!!).  You don't think kissing can be as emotionally intimate. That just.... boggles my mind and I also respect your opinion.

[rainbowsandroses]

23 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

You don't think kissing can be as emotionally intimate.

I didn't say that.  Kissing can be very intimate!  Which is why I don't multi-date, as I'm uncomfortable with kissing multiple men and why I date one at a time.

You have posted you don't mind that part of multi-dating - kissing multiple men.  THAT actually boggles my mind!  

Different strokes...

Anyway, what I said/meant was I don't place the intimacy of kissing on the same level or higher than sexual intimacy.

For ME, sexual intimacy means more.

Agree to disagree @Batya, I respect your opinion.

 

 

 

[Sindy_0311]

@MsBlonde you are going on a date with him tonight. Correct? 
I highly suggest you address his 5 days of silence. Not in an agressive way, just tell him something like:”I’m curious about these last days.  Were you busy? Because I noticed you didn’t text me as you used to. I hope everything ok with you” then see what he responds and if his answer is ok for you.
But PLEASE do address it! 
Hope you have a lovely diner together! 

[Wiseman2]

On 1/21/2024 at 3:26 PM, MsBlonde said:

. He offered some week nights that work for us both and due to our work schedules it will strictly be ‘just’ dinner. Which at this moment in time suits me fine. I’m open to seeing him again and if he puts the effort in than so will I. Only time will tell with this one!! 

Enjoy your date, whenever it is. See how it goes and how you feel. Yes definitely have confidence and let things evolve naturally. 

Please don't lecture him about "communication needs" at this point. Clinginess isn't necessary and a huge attraction killer.  

[kim42]

54 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

@MsBlonde you are going on a date with him tonight. Correct? 
I highly suggest you address his 5 days of silence. Not in an agressive way, just tell him something like:”I’m curious about these last days.  Were you busy? Because I noticed you didn’t text me as you used to. I hope everything ok with you” then see what he responds and if his answer is ok for you.
But PLEASE do address it! 
Hope you have a lovely diner together! 

I don't think this is a good idea, I mean he's not her boyfriend (yet), she should simply continue to observe him for now.

[Sindy_0311]

2 minutes ago, kim42 said:

I don't think this is a good idea, I mean he's not her boyfriend (yet), she should simply continue to observe him for now.

Disagree. I know he is not her boyfriend, but she made clear she was looking for a relationship with serious potential.
In early stage, when we start dealing with someone it’s important to be transparent with our expectations and what we value in a relationship. We observe the person we are dating and decide whether or not they are a good match. Bringing it up as “curiosity” is not pushy, it just sets the tone in a discrete way about who we are and what we are looking for. In my opinion it’s healthier than ignoring something that bothered us and made us questioning their real intention or interest. Again, just my opinion. 

[Sindy_0311]

Also have to say that even if observing is great, it’s not enough because it often leads to much of misunderstanding, assumptions and triggering 

[rainbowsandroses]

@MsBlondeI don't think you should address him waiting to reach out or anything else.

Continue observing, HE should be doing same and most likely IS.

It's way too early in to be discussing your needs/concerns, again these early stages are for observing and evaluating if he's the right man/fit for you. 

IF he continues distancing after sex and IF that bothers you, or any other behaviors bother you, simply wish him well and walk.

43 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Please don't lecture him about "communication needs" at this point. Clinginess isn't necessary and a huge attraction killer.  

I agree with this!  Relax and enjoy.  Save such discussions for after you become an established couple. 

For now, again if something troubles you, hurts you, disappoints you, walk away and look for another man on your same wavelength.

Easy peasy. 

JMO. 😀

 

[Sindy_0311]

 

9 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Relax and enjoy.  Save such discussions for after you become an established couple. 

I guess we should all stop being so authentic and just play the game…  Sorry but I just don’t get it. You will wait two/three month, observing that person to find out that the only thing you did was jumping to conclusions because you didn’t have the nerve to speak out… Great… so be it… 

[rainbowsandroses]

49 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

 

I guess we should all stop being so authentic and just play the game…  Sorry but I just don’t get it. You will wait two/three month, observing that person to find out that the only thing you did was jumping to conclusions because you didn’t have the nerve to speak out… Great… so be it… 

Why did you cherry pick my post with just that one comment about saving discussions for when you're an established couple? I mean if you're going quote me, please quote my entire post for proper context.

Anyway, I think observing and evaluating if a man is the right man/fit for you and walking away when you discover he's not, IS being real and authentic.  It typically doesn't take 2-3 months although it can.  I mean as soon as you encounter something not to your liking, or you're not comfortable with OR turns you off, just end it.  

After three dates or during these early stages it's not your job to teach him how to treat you the way YOU want to be treated.  He either treats you the way you want to be treated or he doesn't, and if he doesn't, why stick around?

There is no need for it imo, there are PLENTY of other man out there who will treat you the way you want/need to be treated.  

Again JMO, you do you, we all should.  And if you want to address this type of thing after three dates or whenever, that is certainly your prerogative.

Me?  I just wish him well and walk away.  My philosophy is accept people including the men I date AS IS.  I don't try to change him or get him to conform to what I need.  

It doesn't work anyway, he is who he is, he treats you the way HE wants to treat you, you addressing it isn't going to change a damn thing in the grand scheme.  As you experienced with the man you dated last summer.

Waste of time.

Again JMO.

 

 

[Capricorn3]

Oh my gosh I can't help but feel bad for the OP going through her thread. 😕

OP, keep it simple - do what feels right for you. Trust your own instincts and gut feelings and let the chips fall where they may.  I wish you well.

[yogacat]

Yeah. No. I am aware of several women who are hesitant to speak their minds or express their true emotions to men. They fear that being vulnerable or opening up may cause the man to walk away once again. I've also come across people who advise women to act as if nothing happened and simply ignore the issue, claiming that addressing it will only cause unnecessary drama and push the man away.

But I strongly disagree.

Healthy relationships are built on honesty, trust, communication, authenticity, and integrity. Pretending everything is fine, even when deep down it hurts, is not the foundation of a genuine and healthy relationship.

If a man cannot handle open and honest communication, then he is not someone worth pursuing.

[rainbowsandroses]

8 minutes ago, yogacat said:

Yeah. No. I am aware of several women who are hesitant to speak their minds or express their true emotions to men. They fear that being vulnerable or opening up may cause the man to walk away once again. I've also come across people who advise women to act as if nothing happened and simply ignore the issue, claiming that addressing it will only cause unnecessary drama and push the man away.

But I strongly disagree.

Healthy relationships are built on honesty, trust, communication, authenticity, and integrity. Pretending everything is fine, even when deep down it hurts, is not the foundation of a genuine and healthy relationship.

If a man cannot handle open and honest communication, then he is not someone worth pursuing.

Well I certainly don't believe a woman should keep her feelings and emotions bottled up, HUGE mistake!   Just walk away, it's so much easier!  Find a man who IS able and interested in giving you want you need and want.

Anyway, I agree with @Capricorn3OP and everyone should do what feels best and right for them.  

We give our opinions, an OP can read and consider the various opinions/insight provided and at the end of the day, do what's right for them.

I happen think all opinions have value here, I have certainly learned a lot since joining, I have even changed my thought process about a few things!

It's all good and positive imo.

 

 

 

[Sindy_0311]

1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Why did you cherry pick my post with just that one comment about saving discussions for when you're an established couple? I mean if you're going quote me, please quote my entire post for proper context.

I quoted this section because I think people don’t have to wait to be in an established couple to have these discussions. She knows him for one month now and noticed something that made he feel uncomfortable. Why wait until being a couple to speak up. It’s in the dating stage that compatibility/values are being examined. If you act like you are ok with someone’s inconsistency in communication in early stage, but once in a committed relationship you bring that up as an issue, how do you think the guy will react. He will think to himself well I didn’t sign up for this. So better be clear since the beginning about what is important for you and what you aim for. 

This whole concept of having fun, being easy and enjoy the process, fake it till you make, is just not authentic or being true about what we really seek for in a relationship. 

[yogacat]

3 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Well I certainly don't believe a woman should keep her feelings and emotions bottled up, HUGE mistake!   Just walk away, it's so much easier!  Find a man who IS able and interested in giving you want you need and want.

Anyway, I agree with @Capricorn3OP and everyone should do what feels best and right for them.  

We give our opinions, the OP can read consider the various opinions and insight and at the end of the day, do what's right for her.

I happen think all opinions have value here, I have certainly learned a lot since joining, I have even changed my thought process about a few things!

It's all good and positive imo.

 

 

 

Actually you're advocating observing. There's nothing to observe.

There is no way I would go out with a man again that after we were intimate for the first time, disappeared for a week. What standard are you communicating exactly?

That you're 100% OK with no accountability, thoughtfulness, or consideration? Nope. If someone is inconsiderate enough to ghost you after a week of mutually intimate loving, the next time they pass go it needs to be in the other direction.

[Sindy_0311]

3 minutes ago, yogacat said:

There is no way I would go out with a man again that after we were intimate for the first time, disappeared for a week. What standard are you communicating exactly?

I totally agree, and I wouldn’t have gone either. But since OP decided to go, the least she can do is address his silence… 

[rainbowsandroses]

15 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

If you act like you are ok with someone’s inconsistency in communication in early stage, but once in a committed relationship you bring that up as an issue, how do you think the guy will react.

I agree with you here^.  I never said keep feelings bottled up, or acting like you're okay with it.  I said walk away if you discover behaviors that aren't to your liking or that hurt/disappoint you or turn you off.

I mean is that not what @yogacat just said?  She said she would never continue dating a man who waited five days to call after being sexually intimate.  And you agreed!

That is exactly what I am talking about!  Like EXACTLY.  You don't like a behavior, you walk!

He is not going to change how he treats you just because it bothers you and you address it.  If I have learned anything through all my dating experiences it's that.

Again he is who he is, he treats you the way you want/need to be treated or he doesn't and if he doesn't, simply walk away and look for another man.

Once you're in an established relationship where he's already shown you who he IS, and an issue arises, then YES by all mean discuss it!

But after three dates or early stages?  Waste of time.  Just next him.

Anyway, said my piece!!  We could debate this until hell freezes over, it's not going to change anything.

Everyone including OP should do what's best for THEM.

[Sindy_0311]

9 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

That is exactly what I am talking about!  Like EXACTLY.  You don't like a behavior, you walk!

I do walk. But as I wrote above, OP didn’t, so I’m trying to adjust to how she operates and recommended she addressed it. 

[rainbowsandroses]

12 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

I do walk. But as I wrote above, OP didn’t, so I’m trying to adjust to how she operates and recommended she addressed it. 

Okay fair enough!  And I gave my recommendation.

If OP is still reading, she can take it ALL in and do what SHE thinks is best.😀

[Coily]

My Nickle's worth here: It's really a matter of how the topic is broached. I speak from being on the receiving end of this type of conversation. While it's fair to ask "hey what happened?" the matter of how it comes across is very very important.

With H: I went silent on her for 4 days as i was working where there was no communications allowed durinng the day and worked 14 hours straight. Just completely slipped my mind doing anything other than managing this delicate project. She put it this was: "Hey I missed out chats, is something wrong?" I was happy to answer, didn't feel like my space was being invaded; I realized I had forgotten to tell her as I was giddy over that wonderful night.

With W: I got sick, nearly admitted to the hospital sick for 8 days. I had texted W, that I wasn't feeling well and she asked me to text when I could. When you are either puking, flushing, or sleeping for 8 days; you lose track of time. Plus she went on vacation, from my perspective no one wanted to text while delusional from fever. When I finally could focus and stay awake enough, she just went for my throat over not texting her like it was an umbilical cord. I said goodbye and left her with the bill.

At the end, I hope the OP approaches this situation more like H, trying to understand and learn, either directly or by observation. He has his life and so does she, until they are a proper couple they are free actors, hopefully honorable.

[rainbowsandroses]

18 minutes ago, Coily said:

At the end, I hope the OP approaches this situation more like H, trying to understand and learn, either directly or by observation.

This was a great post, thank you for chiming in with you male perspective!

I learn through observation.   I have a keen sense of things and my instincts are usually spot on.

Here, in my first post today on this thread, or may have been second, I advised OP to go and enjoy the date.  Continue observing and IF the behavior continues and it continues to bother her, then consider walking away.

I recall addressing a man's distance with him one time years ago, and he bit my head off!  All I said was, "you've been quiet, I miss chatting and hope things are okay."  Swear to god that's all I said he jumped down my throat saying "can't a man be silent for few days without women hassling him about it!"  He added a few other choice words that don't bear repeating.

That was a big next for me and lesson learned!  If a man goes quiet, I either allow him his space and if it becomes a pattern that I am uncomfortable with, I walk away.

 

 

 

[Batya33]

6 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I didn't say that.  Kissing can be very intimate!  Which is why I don't multi-date, as I'm uncomfortable with kissing multiple men and why I date one at a time.

You have posted you don't mind that part of multi-dating - kissing multiple men.  THAT actually boggles my mind!  

Different strokes...

Anyway, what I said/meant was I don't place the intimacy of kissing on the same level or higher than sexual intimacy.

For ME, sexual intimacy means more.

Agree to disagree @Batya, I respect your opinion.

 

 

 

I don't think having intercourse or kissing is emotionally intimate for everyone -sex swaps more bodily fluids than kissing and can result in making a baby so it's more physically intimate but I am so thankful that I've experienced the sort of kissing that blew my mind emotionally -magical and emotional - and it was sexual too.  Sexual intimacy meant more at times for sure especially.   It also meant more emotionally and in every other way when we were trying to conceive - and was loads of fun trying too.  I think it's a shame if a person doesn't find kissing, touching, holding hands, etc highly intimate in comparison to intercourse.  I think it depends on the people and the context etc.

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, yogacat said:

Actually you're advocating observing. There's nothing to observe.

There is no way I would go out with a man again that after we were intimate for the first time, disappeared for a week. What standard are you communicating exactly?

That you're 100% OK with no accountability, thoughtfulness, or consideration? Nope. If someone is inconsiderate enough to ghost you after a week of mutually intimate loving, the next time they pass go it needs to be in the other direction.

Yes if if it's mutually intimate loving between two people serious about each other - to me it's different if it's intercourse on a third date the people aren't yet exclusive and they haven't talked specifically about what they are to each other- and both people are cool getting naked and having intercourse on the third date with no commitment. That can be just sex, can be loving on one side etc but no assumptions.

For sure there can be love at first sight for sure there can be a third date where the couple is like -wow I really want to be with you. They make future plans for dates, etc.  I think I can fall for you -the other person feels the same and they mean it and they have sex as part of this whole context of commitment, intentions, intense feelings - that's mutually intimate loving with sex as part of it whether it's date 1 or 15.  And not just because of sex -then of course there shouldn't be 5 days of silence with no reason - not just because of sex but because of what the couple decided, what they expressed genuinely, etc.  

[rainbowsandroses]

24 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I think it's a shame if a person doesn't find kissing, touching, holding hands, etc highly intimate in comparison to intercourse.  I think it depends on the people and the context etc.

I never said that and respectfully request you read my posts versus inserting your own narrative.   I said I don't find the intimacy of kissing to be on the same level or higher than sexual intimacy.

NOT higher than intercourse, but sexual intimacy which entails MUCH more than simply intercourse.

Of course this is not true for everyone, I gave my personal feelings about it - my opinion.

There is nothing to feel shame about just because someone values something like sexual intimacy more than they do kissing.  I don't think it's a shame that YOU value kissing more or equal to sexual intimacy.

Different strokes.

To clarify AGAIN, I find kissing to be highly intimate in certain situations however I value sexual intimacy more and do not engage in it unless it IS intimate and not just two people getting their rocks off through intercourse which is not intimate at all.

To quote something @Starlight925posted not to too long ago, I am sorry I post sometimes.  

I started out today agreeing with you!  But then..... 😞

 

 

[Tinydance]

Well to me it seems that if you met on online dating and that person's profile said they're looking for a relationship, they shouldn't be texting only once a week or something like that. Sure, not everyone follows the same texting pattern. Also if you're not in a relationship you don't have to text all day every day. But if you've had a few dates and had sex then to me it doesn't seem the person is super interested if they don't contact for 5 days afterwards. If they like you they should message you the next day or couple of days later.

You're not in a relationship but if you're trying to build towards a relationship then you can't really build that if you only speak or see each other once a week or once a fortnight. Unless that person works away or went on a holiday or something, what is their reason for taking many days to contact? They don't owe you anything of course but if they're interested they'd be acting like they're interested.