Have I been used?

[rainbowsandroses]

3 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I always preferred not to be contacted if he wasn't into me.  I am uncertain about how the OP described it -seems to me they discussed general goals, he said he was looking for long term so did she but I'm waiting to hear if he said he wanted to be exclusive and potentially long term with her before they had sex - or if she asked for this.  Otherwise I wrote what I thought above.  With almost every man I went out with more than twice we discussed general goals.  I never went on a first real date after a meet or a future date if we weren't on the same page generally. I never ever assumed that meant he thought we could get serious  -that remained to be seen -and spoken about I guess at the appropriate time.

Many many times I've heard and read women regret having casual sex and then say they were used.  Perhaps the OP was - so far it's not my impression. I don't think it's nice or kind at all to blame men when it's typically regrets about sex too soon when the man decides he doesn't want to go on another date (or go on any date at all if it's a one night stand).  I see she is just asking if she was used -not maligning him -but I've certainly seen that and to me it's really unfair.

Thanks.  As I said...

12 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

It's kind and courteous thing to do especially after being sexually intimate for the first time in light of how the OP explained their relationship/situationship before sex. 

If you or others think otherwise, I can respect that. 

 

[Batya33]

Just now, rainbowsandroses said:

Thanks.  As I said...

 

LOL thanks I can read even though I'm an old married lady ;-).  I'm glad you can respect different points of view. I feel exactly the same! I was adding to my response to provide more perspective.

[Cherylyn]

Sounds like after sex,  his communication is inconsistent with you which defies his previous texting habit pre-sex.  If he continues having a 'blah' attitude towards you,  you were merely a romp in the hay to him and his interest had since waned.  In the future,  slow down.  Get to know the guy very well before becoming intimate.  Observe his behavior.  Should he continue on this same track,  onto his next conquest .  .  .  🙄

[NighttimeNightmare]

14 hours ago, MsBlonde said:

Part of me wants to message and check in on him yet I somehow feel I’m setting myself up for heartbreak.

How are you jumping to heartbreak here? He’s a stranger you’ve only just met and have seen 3x

 

14 hours ago, MsBlonde said:

It’s been so long since I’ve dated anyone I’m so scared of being hurt but I really like him.

I’d keep it in perspective. Don’t get overly zealous about people straight away. It’s fine to acknowledge you’re really liking someone [so far] but it really takes years to truly get to know someone and understand their patterns

right now, he’s just a stranger. 

[NighttimeNightmare]

6 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Okay, I'm a bit surprised how cool and casual some of y'all are about this, fair enough!

This has never happened to me, but I wouldn't be.  I would deal with the disappointment, but I would definitely feel hurt and disappointed.

And a bit miffed he didn't have the courtesy to tell me we weren't the right fit or whatever.

I don’t disagree with your take on it but I think the responses here are more about putting the power back in her hands 

at the end of the day, sure it would be nice/respectful/kind/etc etc etc if he communicated where he went (if he did in fact “disappear”) but we live in a world where people are awful at that, or don’t feel it’s necessary due to the nature of the situation etc 

best she can do is to reevaluate how she’s interacting with the men in her life, the power is in her hands. She can be more direct, set better boundaries and a better pace for herself, etc. And take care shes not romanticizing a 3 week text streak with a strange man she slept with 

but I say all this while also holding the opinion that we all could do better in how we interact with one another and the ghosting culture is toxic. Both things are true. 

[catfeeder]

5 hours ago, MsBlonde said:

... Instead I’m left feeling confused and now anxious to even date again. That’s sucks.

So sorry to hear this. Consider becoming more confident, because now you've learned something important about yourself. Speaking only for myself, I came to recognize that I bond when I'm sexual. So I decided to make it a priority to learn everything I can about a person BEFORE bonding with him, so that I won't find myself sleeping first, then asking questions later. 

Now you have clearer self knowledge. You get to decide how to frame this--turn it into a learning experience that aids you in the future, OR, call it a disaster that harms you and your potential for better dating experiences in the future.

While it's difficult enough to try to screen out bad matches, when someone claims to agree with your goal of dating to find a long term relationship, it's up to you to learn whether he's giving you lip service, or whether he's willing to walk his talk. Will he continue to date you in public while you get to know one another--for long enough to build intimacy and trust? If so, then discuss exclusivity if that's where you want to stand with him. If not, then he's done you the favor of screening himself out! He's not your match, and the earlier he passes, the better.

Head high, and write more if it helps.

[Sindy_0311]

10 hours ago, Batya33 said:

No one gets a pass to ignore someone based on hormones

I didn’t say men ignore women because of hormones. But I read some articles saying that just after first sex men tend to be a bit distant until testosterone comes high again and they have the desire to court the woman again. I noticed that in my previous relationships also. That’s why I never jump to conclusions during the first and second day after first day with a man. But in OPs case, it’s different because he went completely silent… 

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, Sindy_0311 said:

I didn’t say men ignore women because of hormones. But I read some articles saying that just after first sex men tend to be a bit distant until testosterone comes high again and they have the desire to court the woman again. I noticed that in my previous relationships also. That’s why I never jump to conclusions during the first and second day after first day with a man. But in OPs case, it’s different because he went completely silent… 

Yes I read all those silly articles too -click bait.  Men aren't animals to that extent -they choose how to react just like women.  A man who wants to be with a woman will let her know.  Just like women let men know.  Sex or not.  People who need space take space and if they care about people in their lives who might be worried at silence etc they let those people know what's going on.  People who care about other people with rare exception won't let hormones take the place of caring thoughtful behavior.  I mean reasonably healthy reasonably stable people.  Not people with severe mental health or other disabilities or disorders etc.  

Assume if a man goes silent after having sex with you for a day or two and this is out of the routine, it's because he's not that interested in being in contact with you right then for whatever reason - might be busy with pursuing other women etc.  If it's someone you don't know very well then most likely there is no routine yet.  If he calls and explains he was feeling distant from you whether hormones or whatever that's fine and then know when  this person feels distant he will go silent and not let you know what's going on.  For me that would be too stomach churning but that's just me.  If this person calls the OP and she weighs benefits of another date/more sex against risk of this silence when before there was none that's totally up to her -I defer to her decision!

[Coily]

9 hours ago, Sindy_0311 said:

I didn’t say men ignore women because of hormones. But I read some articles saying that just after first sex men tend to be a bit distant until testosterone comes high again and they have the desire to court the woman again. I noticed that in my previous relationships also. That’s why I never jump to conclusions during the first and second day after first day with a man. But in OPs case, it’s different because he went completely silent… 

I have experienced this as a man, it's a whirl of emotions. There is a lot of sensory processing (a lot of it olfactory) for me coming down after sex. I can remember my first time, and there was a lot of confusion afterwards. Things like "Was it really that fun for her, was she really into what we were doing, Is she someone I want to do that again with? That was very vulnerable feeling." It was a hard brain shift from "Heck yeah lets have sex." If there is a long time between sexual activities, my brain still does this whole routine. It's weird to be honest.

 

4 hours ago, Batya33 said:

 Just like women let men know. 

They do? Mostly in jest, but some of the past GFs of mine were very very very bad at letting me know, unless the dreaded "It's fine."

[rainbowsandroses]

19 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Let her know what, exactly? No one said he's not interested. 3 days is only an eternity for the very anxious and insecure...

I re-read this and would like to clarify.  If this were me, I wouldn't be feeling "anxious or insecure" because that would imply I intend to continue seeing him and worried/anxious he didn't feel the same.

No, after 3 days, and unless he's contacted her, now 4 days NC after first time sex after coming on strong prior to, I'd be feeling disappointed mostly in myself for trusting this person had character and integrity.

And yes hurt for the same reason.  And at that point, any desire to continue seeing him (or talking to him again) went right out the window.

I realize some of the guys are unable to understand this but for many women, sex means something and there are "hopes" attached to it.  Different from expectations.

I often try to understand the male perspective, it would be helpful if men could at least try to understand the female perspective versus dismissing by suggesting things like 3 (now 4) days NC after first time sex is no biggee, stop being anxious and insecure.

Human emotions don't work that way.

 

[boltnrun]

If I really liked the guy and hoped it would turn into a relationship, yeah, I definitely would be disappointed. Probably hurt. Probably feel some self doubt. 

But that's why I think it's important to clarify ahead of time. Not asking about general dating goals, but are WE, he and I, at least headed toward a committed relationship. Not "sure, I want to date seriously" but "I want to date YOU seriously". That way I know for sure if I should hold off having sex or if I can proceed with at least some confidence he isn't going to end communication. 

Now, when it's an FWB or hookup, no, I don't need communication afterward. I had a long-ish term hookup guy who I saw a few times a year for about five years. I never expected (nor cared) if he texted me after we had a romp bed session. But I don't get that's what the OP had in mind with this man. 

[Batya33]

30 minutes ago, Coily said:

I have experienced this as a man, it's a whirl of emotions. There is a lot of sensory processing (a lot of it olfactory) for me coming down after sex. I can remember my first time, and there was a lot of confusion afterwards. Things like "Was it really that fun for her, was she really into what we were doing, Is she someone I want to do that again with? That was very vulnerable feeling." It was a hard brain shift from "Heck yeah lets have sex." If there is a long time between sexual activities, my brain still does this whole routine. It's weird to be honest.

 

They do? Mostly in jest, but some of the past GFs of mine were very very very bad at letting me know, unless the dreaded "It's fine."

I mean they keep in touch or let them know if they need space. I think people who have whirlwinds of emotions, intense reactions, choose to show thoughtfulness and kindness to the people they care about despite feeling that way. Whether because of sex or otherwise.

[rainbowsandroses]

1 minute ago, boltnrun said:

that's why I think it's important to clarify ahead of time. Not asking about general dating goals, but are WE, he and I, at least headed toward a committed relationship. Not "sure, I want to date seriously" but "I want to date YOU seriously". That way I know for sure if I should hold off having sex or if I can proceed with at least some confidence he isn't going to end communication. 

Even if people were to have that conversation or state what they're seeking I don't believe anyone can be certain what will happen after sexual intimacy.

Sex can change things, sometimes for the better or sometimes as in OP's case for the worse.  It's literally impossible to predict even if one had the best intentions going in. 

I'm not sure having that type of conversation would have made any difference.

 

[Sindy_0311]

2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I mean they keep in touch or let them know if they need space. I think people who have whirlwinds of emotions, intense reactions, choose to show thoughtfulness and kindness to the people they care about despite feeling that way. Whether because of sex or otherwise.

Yes, they keep in touch, they continue texting or calling depending on the form of contact you had prior to it, but you sense some distance. They are less smitten, less "into you" so to speak. This is something I have experienced with almost all men in the beginning. They also need to precess their feelings, whether they want to go further in the relationship or not. Best to assume that just after first set a guy will not chase harder, the relationship will shift into nothing more comfortable and easy if really they is potential for something serious. 

[rainbowsandroses]

8 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

They keep in touch or let them know if they need space. I think people who have whirlwinds of emotions, intense reactions, choose to show thoughtfulness and kindness to the people they care about despite feeling that way. Whether because of sex or otherwise.

Thank you, @Batya33, my sentiments exactly. 

[Batya33]

Just now, rainbowsandroses said:

Thank you, @Batya33, my sentiments exactly. 

 I meant in the context of a relationship -people they care about and are interested in dating.  If a person goes silent for a long time right after sex and this is not part of the routine -if there was a routine - that's not because they're driven  by hormones etc IMO.  I think it's totally fine not to contact a casual partner or after a few dates whether sex happens or not -but it's not because of hormones.

[Sindy_0311]

2 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Even if people were to have that conversation or state what they're seeking I don't believe anyone can be certain what will happen after sexual intimacy.

Sex can change things, sometimes for the better or sometimes as in OP's case for the worse.  It's literally impossible to predict even if one had the best intentions going in. 

I'm not sure having that type of conversation would have made any difference.

 

I totally agree. I think having some kind of talk will just add more pressure on people when in fact you cannot predict anything at early stage. You can loose interest after having had sex, or after disliking something in their personality, the talk doesn't change anything. I think a couple should have sex on the 4th or 5th date if really they are in alignment... Things unfold organically after that... 

[Coily]

8 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I mean they keep in touch or let them know if they need space. I think people who have whirlwinds of emotions, intense reactions, choose to show thoughtfulness and kindness to the people they care about despite feeling that way. Whether because of sex or otherwise.

Not always the case.  When doubts creep in sometimes you wonder should I bother someone? Will I accidentally sew more chaos? Will saying "It's not for me" after such levels of intimacy cause a blow up or ramifications?

It's never just cut and dry in some cases. In a perfect world you are correct, but here we are instead.

[rainbowsandroses]

1 minute ago, Coily said:

Not always the case.  When doubts creep in sometimes you wonder should I bother someone? Will I accidentally sew more chaos? Will saying "It's not for me" after such levels of intimacy cause a blow up or ramifications?

It's never just cut and dry in some cases. In a perfect world you are correct, but here we are instead.

That's fair @Coily. I'm going to think about that. 

[Batya33]

8 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

I totally agree. I think having some kind of talk will just add more pressure on people when in fact you cannot predict anything at early stage. You can loose interest after having had sex, or after disliking something in their personality, the talk doesn't change anything. I think a couple should have sex on the 4th or 5th date if really they are in alignment... Things unfold organically after that... 

I think a couple should have sex when they are both comfortable having sex. For me that was after months of dating, exclusivity before that, strong potential for marriage.

[Batya33]

9 minutes ago, Coily said:

Not always the case.  When doubts creep in sometimes you wonder should I bother someone? Will I accidentally sew more chaos? Will saying "It's not for me" after such levels of intimacy cause a blow up or ramifications?

It's never just cut and dry in some cases. In a perfect world you are correct, but here we are instead.

I mean that the simple common sense that a person who wants to date another person again will show interest and if the person needs space will tell the other person so the other person doesn't wonder/worry/move on in the interim.  People move towards pleasure and away from pain. Not talking about perfection.  I don't think a person who doesn't want to have sex again or is not sure or not sure about dating needs to contact the person unless there was a promise to do so. 

[Jaunty]

On 1/18/2024 at 1:51 PM, MsBlonde said:

I do really appreciate everyone’s input on this even if some comments are a little hard to hear I know I put myself in this position. After reading some I just want to confirm even on the morning he left he was very affectionate towards me and (next day) he did message saying he can’t wait to see me again. He made many suggestions even after ‘sex’ that he wanted a weekend away together to explore and do some fun activities. The messages just dried up after that, my open questions were just left with closed answers and now I’m left confused. 
 

Unfortunately, once sex has happened, things can get very "real."  Even people with the best intentions may be a little blindsided by the idea that they may have landed right in the midst of a RELATIONSHIP.   May have sounded good ... but the reality is too much.

[LootieTootie]

If your gut is telling you that he's pulling away, then yea, it is what it is and there's nothing you can do to rewind and choose differently.

If you feel hurt about it, I'm sorry. Sometimes when we open ourselves up to be vulnerable, we leave ourselves to be at risk of being hurt by the other person. But if you never open yourself up, you won't ever find your forever person.

[MsBlonde]

Update….

after not hearing from him at all week, he messaged today saying- 

‘Would really love to get another date in the diary soon, what weekends are you free?’

😩😩😩😩

[Sindy_0311]

Ask him what he was planning to do... If he wants to take you out, to dinner or share an activity, its a good sign. If he just wants to hang out, then you know what to do... 

Or just decline...