Did I really screw this up or he just not interested , please help I need advice

[Evami]

9 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

You know nothing about this person. Literally nothing. He could be a 60 year old man or a 35 year old woman or a 13 year old kid. Or a dangerous predator who deliberately manipulates women into getting attached to him online

You are right , I will make sure to en a public place and make sure to keep my location shared with a family member

I can’t imagine how devastating it will be if end up to be some personne other than how I think it is. But yes I need to be very careful , it’s true I know nothing about the person 

[rainbowsandroses]

11 minutes ago, Evami said:

will make sure to en a public place and make sure to keep my location shared with a family member..

I very highly doubt it will ever come to that - meeting in person.  

Whether he seeks attention online to fulfill his emotional needs...

OR he does have Aspergers (which is social disorder which explains his isolation from public), neither bode well for him ever wanting to meet you in person, interacting face to face, in public.

Not gonna happen can almost guarantee it.  Remember words mean jack * if not followed up by action. 

I would take ALL of this with a giant grain of salt @Evami  You're setting yourself up for a BIG fall imo.

Again, I'm sorry. 

[boltnrun]

19 minutes ago, Evami said:

You are right , I will make sure to en a public place and make sure to keep my location shared with a family member

I can’t imagine how devastating it will be if end up to be some personne other than how I think it is. But yes I need to be very careful , it’s true I know nothing about the person 

Please also don't allow this person to use "I have Asperger's, you need to let me come to your hotel room." Insist on a public place or not at all. 

[Evami]

8 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Please also don't allow this person to use "I have Asperger's, you need to let me come to your hotel room." Insist on a public place or not at all

Yes for sure I will never meet someone I don’t know in a hotel room , I will make sure to meet in some cafe shop in the day time where there is a lot of people and I will make sure to chose the location as well . 
he only even mentioned his Asperger’s once when we first started talking .and he told me he wants to show me around his city and take me out to his favorite places … 

it will be very weird to ask someone you don know to meet in a hotel room no matter what condition he has that is not going to happen 

[Evami]

16 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

he does have Aspergers (which is social disorder which explains his isolation from public), neither bode well for him ever wanting to meet you in person, interacting face to face, in public.

He told me he canceled going out with his friend couple times because they invited other people and he doesn’t like big gathering etc , he doesn’t party or travel very far away . he didn’t say is because of  is his Asperger’s but since he mentioned that earlier on , I just connected the dots . And did some reading online and found out that is social disorder but I’m not sure to what extend that affects him , he works a lot and goes to the gym from what I understand . 

[boltnrun]

5 minutes ago, Evami said:

he told me he wants to show me around his city and take me out to his favorite places … 

it will be very weird to ask someone you don know to meet in a hotel room no matter what condition he has that is not going to happen 

Don't be alone with him. If he wants to "show you around the city" you two can take public transportation or a ride share.

And yes, some men try to get women to meet in their hotel room. 

[Evami]

3 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

be alone with him. If he wants to "show you around the city" you two can take public transportation or a ride share.

Yea I will make sure of that 

but even if we meet it won’t be for 5 months , for now I just want to keep in touch and keep conversation going but it’s just almost impossible when he takes days to answer a text , I can’t make a full conversation in depth about anything 

[catfeeder]

1 hour ago, Evami said:

Yes that’s true I didn’t think of it like that , I just thought direct texts were better , I asked for his social accounts and he said he doesn’t have any and to be fair to him I too only have WhatsApp as I try to stay away from FC and never has tik tok or instagram . So I thought he just wasn’t into social media .

as for seeing him in going to his city for a work trip, there for if he said he can’t meet I will just return home after work is done and he never asked me for anything and I won’t give anything even is he does . He actually offered to send me some sweets from his home city by mail ..

That's how he gets your physical address. Don't do it. If this guy won't even show himself to you, you're running on fantasy into possible danger.

Don't take candy from strangers--and don't give them your private information! Read up on the ways people have been harmed by online scammers, and update yourself on what NOT to do.

[catfeeder]

1 hour ago, Evami said:

Yes that’s true I didn’t think of it like that , I just thought direct texts were better

Direct texting allows a stranger to send a malicious script or spyware to your device through video or image files. Now he's asking for your address to send 'sweets'? Lovely--he could be stealing your identify and gaining access to your accounts through your device.

That's why you never leave the original messaging app with a stranger.

[Evami]

9 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

Don't take candy from strangers--and don't give them your private information! Read up on the ways people have been harmed by online scammers, and update yourself on what NOT to do.

lol yes I declined politely , I didn’t give him any of my information all he really knew is my first name and the city I live in but nothing private at all .

And right now what’s bothering me the most is his communication, I answer his text in like couple hours but again he won’t text untiL who know knows when maybe tomorrow maybe next week , with this completely broken communication is making meeting in person even harder .

[boltnrun]

He's not showing interest in anything but occasional electronic communication.

I would not attach any more importance to this online interaction. I would move on and focus on meeting people in person. 

[catfeeder]

19 minutes ago, Evami said:

lol yes I declined politely , I didn’t give him any of my information all he really knew is my first name and the city I live in but nothing private at all .

And right now what’s bothering me the most is his communication, I answer his text in like couple hours but again he won’t text untiL who know knows when maybe tomorrow maybe next week , with this completely broken communication is making meeting in person even harder .

Read up on scam houses, especially Nigerian ones. They have a lot of 'marks' going at the same time, and they find ways to get you to move off the original application that protects you from getting your device hacked.

They won't FaceTime with you or otherwise show you who they really are, they'll have an excuse for that, such as Autism or some such reason. They'll just keep feeding you your own fantasy about them with occasional breadcrumbs. It's not even always the same person messaging.

What, exactly, has this 'account' said to you that has captivated you to such a degree?

[Evami]

3 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

What, exactly, has this 'account' said to you that has captivated you to such a degree

Initially I was talking to him just like anyone else he was a handsome man but they were many other more handsome guys on the same app , I even don’t really answer that much and stuff and then when we started talking more and more I found like a lot of his interested and opinions are so similar to mine even that I never told him I had those interred and in my profile I didn’t put any informations about my untested really .

i like how funny he is. His opinions are very similar I enjoy talking to him about many things I don’t find a lot of men interested in .i like how I can talk about any topic with him ( at least at first ) 

as crazy as this sounds if I could chose what I tested a guy I date will have it will be all those, ans just in short period I learned many things from him .

i had relations in the past where the person didn’t have any similar untested to me ans couldn’t talk about anything with them and I remember those day where I wished I had someone like this online guy to share all those things with . 
 

[boltnrun]

This "handsome man" could have lifted the photo from Google or some other place. Same with those videos. 

It's not possible to "date" him even if he is legit because he lives far away and is not consistent with communication. 

[Andrina]

17 minutes ago, Evami said:

And right now what’s bothering me the most is his communication, I answer his text in like couple hours but again he won’t text untiL who know knows when maybe tomorrow maybe next week , with this completely broken communication is making meeting in person even harder .

You reject a sweet guy in person and prefer someone who "bothers" you because he's not as invested in you as you are in him. That shows your self-worth is lacking. Subconsciously you would feel out of sorts with being with someone actually decent because you feel you're only worthy of garbage. You say you have emotional baggage from some past hurt and anxiety. In my previous post, I mentioned that as a common reason for the type of people who seek out these long-distance love prospects.

Why on earth are you choosing the hardest form of dating there is? Just because the "sweet" local guy didn't trip your trigger, doesn't mean all the local guys won't.

YOU would be making all the effort in seeing this guy. After the business trip, it will most likely be YOU who will spend money returning to see him. All he has to do is sit back and wait for someone to give him some fun intimacy before she returns to her normal life, and he returns to his normal life.

He could also be busy with a huge group of female prospects, gaining their trust, investment, and gradually putting in his scamming steps, which is why he goes so long between texts. He looks at his notes on you to see where you two left off.

You are dating in the least effective way possible. Investing 5 months, feeling as though you're falling in love, and then it could all fall apart in the first meet. I know for myself how that happens, although I always dated locally and never went more than 2 weeks without meeting someone for the first time. Though I loved their photos, the phone conversations, and thought it would go great, 9 out of 10 dates with individual guys didn't end in a second date. Either he didn't feel it, or I didn't feel it, or neither of us did. Chemistry is biological, something we can't experience until meeting in person, and then everything else has to click into place like enjoying their personality. Even when you do like someone well enough, you might not feel comfortable in their presence, or something intangible you can't pinpoint is off.

I made boundaries for myself and only dated men who lived within a reasonable driving distance from me--preferably 45 minutes. I had plenty of opportunities within that zone.

Stop making excuses for choosing a dangerous and expensive way of dating. Social media has made it seem like a relationship is quite doable even with distance, but it's rare that those sorts of relationships work out. Locally, you can find out who a person is far sooner than someone who can hide major things from a distance. It'll take you 20 years to find "the one" the way you go about things. Huge chunks of time devoted to the unknown and assumptions, and too much of living in la-la-land.

[MissCanuck]

This person is just not that interested in forging a deeper connection with you, OP. 

I would not hold your breath for actually meeting him. I would also not waste more time reading up on Aspergers for someone who barely talks to you. 

Instead, I would spend that time looking inward, and figruing out what's going on in your personal life that is leading you to attach like this to an internet stranger. You have invested yourself emotionally in something very flimsy, and it's worth discovering why that is. 

[Sindy_0311]

Hi, I'm sorry you are going through this situation. But frankly I cannot understand why a guy would start engaging with a girl living that far away if he is genuinely interested in pursuing a serious relationship with someone. It makes no sense.

In my opinion, he either is a scammer, or someone who is waiting for an opportunity to meet you someday, to have a chill evening, maybe sex and then disappear without taking the risk to meet you down the streets of his city. 

I highly suggest you block this guy and find someone near you. (max 1 hour drive) 

If you aren't ready to block him, ask him for a FaceTime call. If he isn't capable of doing it, then you know you are dealing with BS. That simple. Oh girls, please stop investing time and energy creating your own narrative based on nothing. 

[smackie9]

We desire more what is out of our reach. I believe this is what is driving you emotionally. Not too many men want to trauma bond and if they do can be predators looking for someone that is weak so they can control and manipulate you in a relationship....so what you seek can lead you to someone who will be very dangerous/harmful to you. Save your past troubles with a therapist or good friend. You definitely don't want to attract any white knights. That can lead to codependency.

[Evami]

4 hours ago, Sindy_0311 said:

you aren't ready to block him, ask him for a FaceTime

Yes I will ask him for face time latter , but right now I think I jus need to give him space, I answer his text and then he waited 24 h and send me a selfie  with nothing else and I as if I can feel like he is angry  or tired or just  something different 

it makes a bit sad I don’t know what I did wrong except for that sarcastic text.

and I know on the same app where we met he has more than 300 friends and all those friends I’m very sure are other girls . 

it could be just me feeling this but even that selfie is different then the other once and not even a word and I reply and still nothing .

so I think best think to do is to give him space and stay away only answer if he text if not stay away 

yes I’m working through my last issue with a therapist , my new health insurance start Feb 1 at and I have appointment the week after . 
i don’t know what he wants really and why he isn’t dating locally  and what are his real intentions . 

[Jaunty]

4 hours ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Hi, I'm sorry you are going through this situation. But frankly I cannot understand why a guy would start engaging with a girl living that far away if he is genuinely interested in pursuing a serious relationship with someone. It makes no sense.

Some are doing it because they like interacting online and having online friendships or "romances."  As we all know, some people  have Internet girl / boyfriends who they never will be face to face with.  They can present themselves in any way they like, since they won't have to be seen in person. They like it this way.   

I bet most of these folks do not tell anyone that "this is online only, we will never meet" because they themselves are wrapped up in the fantasy of having a "relationship" and don't want to acknowledge to themselves, much less the other person / people, that it's exclusively virtual.   Especially if their catfishing goes to the extent of using pictures that aren't them.

[Batya33]

So glad you’re continuing therapy ! You did nothing wrong except you have unrealistic expectations of this stranger - a stranger for all practical and safety purposes. I wouldn’t overthink it. People move towards pleasure and away from pain. Right now assume he doesn’t feel like being in contact with you. The reason is anyone’s guess. It might be no reason at all.

A downside of corresponding with a stranger but telling yourself stories about what he might be feeling based on a wordless text and telling yourself stories about who he is or who he is to you is getting upset based on mostly a fantasy you concocted. A good antidote is getting outside and interacting with real people. 

This morning a neighbor I like very much and rarely see saw me from behind. I was bundled up in layers and balancing my husband’s shake and take out lunch for him and our son. She called out to me happy new year and said my name and I kind of guessed it was she. She didn’t see what I was juggling. I think she expected me to stop. She asked how I was and I basically replied “juggling a lot !” I walked into the elevator room  Wasn’t able to turn around to greet her  

 So. She can assume I gave her the cold shoulder. That I forgot her name. That I’m rude. She doesn’t really know me. Even though we’ve had a couple of really nice conversations when we run into each other  

. Imagine if she imagined I’m her new BFF and that my reaction was upsetting.  Then she tells herself all these reasons I don’t like her anymore and need “space “. You’re doing the same. 

[MissCanuck]

48 minutes ago, Evami said:

i don’t know what he wants really and why he isn’t dating locally  and what are his real intentions

Did he say he isn't dating locally? 

He probably is. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Evami said:

 I’m working through my last issue with a therapist , my new health insurance start Feb 1 at and I have appointment the week after 

That's a great idea. Keep in mind people in bad places make bad choices.

For example you seem to be smitten with a fantasy you really know nothing about and revolving your life around a cyber penpal. 

Once you explore that in therapy you can gain some insight into going down this rabbit hole of angst and disappointment. And why you're avoiding real people and real relationships. 

[Sindy_0311]

1 hour ago, Evami said:

I jus need to give him space

Why do you want to give him space? I think he is already having all the space he needs… seems like you let him have total control over the pace of your conversations. You are just here waiting for a text from him to text him back. If you want to FaceTime, just ask him. Why wait until he reaches out again? 

[Sindy_0311]

1 hour ago, Evami said:

it could be just me feeling this but even that selfie is different then the other once and not even a word and I reply and still nothing .

In my opinion you are reading between the lines way to much… he just sent you a selfie, great so what? If a man is interested in you he will show it, he will text, ask questions etc. Men are not that subtle, they are straight forward when they like a woman and want to know more about her.