Just disappointing.

[TacticalLinguine]

Felt like writing down this experience, don’t know why. 
 

I ended a pretty lousy relationship recently. I don’t feel bad about it, don’t miss the guy, if anything, I’m mad at myself for wasting time. 
 

I got online shortly after the break up, just to put myself out there, meet new friends, etc. A few days ago I ended up running into my first ever crush. It was over 10 years ago now, ironically right before meeting him I was thinking about wanting a piece of my childhood back - as we grow up, things change. Everything felt bigger when we were younger. It felt funny when we matched, throughout the years I did check his socials every once in a while, just out of curiosity. We never talked, I merely crushed on him from a distance for a couple years. It felt very intense, I remember. He was a very popular guy in school, I was an awkward teen a few classes below him. I never talked to him. There was an instance where I was sitting outside of class alone and he walked over, just stood and kind of looked at me for a while. I felt awkward and went to class. I don’t know what that was about. 
 

Anyway. We matched. Talked a little, he asked for my socials and I gave them to him. And from there it just fizzled out. We texted maybe twice. First he left me on read for half a day before writing a lengthy response, I just figured he was busy. As of now he’s left me on read for over 24h. I just unmatched him and let it go, it seems he has other things on his mind. He’d have time to shoot a message had he wanted to.
 

I’m not taking it personally, but I’m strangely really disappointed. I don’t even know the guy, it’s a nostalgic crush that made me feel happy during really tough times over 10 years ago. I’m glad I got to talk to him, he seems nice, but for a second there I got quite excited. Not for anything specific, would’ve just been nice to know a person who meant a lot to me when I was a child. 
 

Just venting. 

[TacticalLinguine]

And what do you know, I feel better after writing this down. It is what it is. 

[Kwothe28]

3 hours ago, TacticalLinguine said:

I’m not taking it personally, but I’m strangely really disappointed.

There is generally no need to be dissapointed over fizzled out conversation. Especially in online dating. In real life not a lot of conversations, even the ones for dating purposes, dont fizzle out that easily because you know each other and you might run into that person again so you watch out more. But in online dating, most of them are strangers you never would see in real life. So, its easier to just fizzle ouzt of conversation. I mean, you know your guy from school. But you are still, for all intentive purposes, a stranger.

My point is, dont get your hopes up over stuff like this. Especially when most online conversations ends like this. It will just lead you to more dissapointment. You need to be more resilient if you are going to do online dating and dont let stuff like this phase you out.

Glad you feel better now.

[Batya33]

I'm sorry you feel disappointed and of course it brought up all sorts of feelings! My first "love" from high school -and my first kiss -is now a wildly successful person and does a lot of volunteer work and I believe still happily married -probably a grandpa by now -we actually ended up working together in the 1990s - hadn't seen him in over 10 years.  We never had any interaction after that that wasn't totally just professional/friendly but sure I'll always remember and if he had reached out at certain points in my life after I'm sure I would have felt a twinge!

I think it was maybe easier in the old days when hearing from or running into a high school crush was far less likely -meaning no social media/internet etc.  I hope you're feeling better!

[TacticalLinguine]

4 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

There is generally no need to be dissapointed over fizzled out conversation. Especially in online dating. In real life not a lot of conversations, even the ones for dating purposes, dont fizzle out that easily because you know each other and you might run into that person again so you watch out more. But in online dating, most of them are strangers you never would see in real life. So, its easier to just fizzle ouzt of conversation. I mean, you know your guy from school. But you are still, for all intentive purposes, a stranger.

My point is, dont get your hopes up over stuff like this. Especially when most online conversations ends like this. It will just lead you to more dissapointment. You need to be more resilient if you are going to do online dating and dont let stuff like this phase you out.

Glad you feel better now.

You’re definitely right. I’m not sure how or why but a lot of things have revealed themselves to me, one being that I am emotionally quite fragile. I try own up to my mistakes and choices, learn and grow from them, but (without trying to sound like a victim) I feel like my trust has been abused for so long. First with my mother growing up, then in relationships where I was lied to, cheated on, played. I try to do everything right; I’ve built myself a good career, have a nice home that I take care of, I’m fit, I care for my animals, I have my hobbies. People label me as attractive. I tend to have answers and solutions, but I’m clueless here. Today I woke up thinking I’ll probably never know a true happy relationship, be it platonic or romantic. 
 

I’ll be travelling for a couple weeks but have booked an appointment with a therapist for when I get back. I don’t want to be all “me me, pity me”, but I’m just kind of sad today. A different type of sad, I feel it really deep in my core. 

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I'm sorry you feel disappointed and of course it brought up all sorts of feelings! My first "love" from high school -and my first kiss -is now a wildly successful person and does a lot of volunteer work and I believe still happily married -probably a grandpa by now -we actually ended up working together in the 1990s - hadn't seen him in over 10 years.  We never had any interaction after that that wasn't totally just professional/friendly but sure I'll always remember and if he had reached out at certain points in my life after I'm sure I would have felt a twinge!

I think it was maybe easier in the old days when hearing from or running into a high school crush was far less likely -meaning no social media/internet etc.  I hope you're feeling better!

Yes, it’s strange! Had another guy just stopped responding to me, I would’ve probably felt a little bit of disappointment, and then just moved on. But I really feel it deep with this one. I’m ashamed to admit this, but the first time he left me on read for hours and I figured I’d never hear from him again, I took the rest of the day off work!! It is my business and I do have more choice in how I manage my time, but I absolutely NEVER do that. Ever! No matter what. It goes against my work ethic in every way. 
 

I’m feeling blue still, but I feel like this incident and my less-than-stellar reaction to it will end up being of great benefit to my, well, emotional bloody stability. I just wish I knew what was wrong so I could address it and fix it! 

- - -

I’m sorry, really venting a lot today. Thanks for taking the time to read and respond to me, both of you. A different perspective helps ground me and although it’s just an online forum, you made a stranger feel better, made her THINK, and I appreciate it. 

[Jaunty]

I'm not sure if this would help you in this particular situation with the first crush - since you'd crossed paths in life before  -  but I do believe that avoiding any real "talking phase" with an online dating contact is a good plan.

Save it for when you've met ... even more than once,  and both of you feel interested in getting to know more about the other.

The  pressure to get this "chat banter" going with strangers seems to be burdensome to many.   And being "left on read" by someone that is actually nobody at all to you can become something that hurts.  I don't think it should be like that.

I've been around here a lot and I'm aware that there are some avid proponents of massive texting going on between people who haven't met, in order to decide whether or not to meet.  Not me.   

 

[TacticalLinguine]

An update of sorts. Why not. 
 

This person is still on my mind! He’s been in my dreams now as well. There has been no contact whatsoever. On one hand, it’s made me realise that the next time I look for a relationship, I really want to be in love and have those “good feelings”. I never fell in love in my adult relationships. Just grew fond of them and committed. 
 

But then again. Get out of my head, please? 
 

It’s bizarre. I do not know him. I have an idea of him, that’s what I am infatuated with. Why does it have such a grip on me. 

[TacticalLinguine]

On 1/10/2024 at 11:19 PM, Jaunty said:

I'm not sure if this would help you in this particular situation with the first crush - since you'd crossed paths in life before  -  but I do believe that avoiding any real "talking phase" with an online dating contact is a good plan.

Save it for when you've met ... even more than once,  and both of you feel interested in getting to know more about the other.

The  pressure to get this "chat banter" going with strangers seems to be burdensome to many.   And being "left on read" by someone that is actually nobody at all to you can become something that hurts.  I don't think it should be like that.

I've been around here a lot and I'm aware that there are some avid proponents of massive texting going on between people who haven't met, in order to decide whether or not to meet.  Not me.   

 

Yeah that is definitely true. Me myself, I know I am very different over text. But I still like to get an idea of a person before meeting so I’m not jumping in head first.. Like this time. He asked me what I do for work, I answered, asked the same back and about the travels he’d mentioned, and he went ghost. 
 

Basic information, I always want to have that. 

[SooSad33]

On 1/10/2024 at 1:26 AM, TacticalLinguine said:

I’m not taking it personally, but I’m strangely really disappointed. I don’t even know the guy, it’s a nostalgic crush that made me feel happy during really tough times over 10 years ago. I’m glad I got to talk to him, he seems nice, but for a second there I got quite excited. Not for anything specific, would’ve just been nice to know a person who meant a lot to me when I was a child. 

Yup, I knew a couple of these thru school too, lol.  BUT, I came to realize , as you said, yes, we change over time!  He won't be the same guy you knew in school.  He's had some adult life experience now, as have you ... and, do ya ever wonder.. Why is he single? 😉 .  Maybe he isn't 'relationship material'?

Then is best to carry on now.  No loss, right?  🙂 

Take your time, getting to know all these potentials out there.  And keep working on yourself as well in the meantime.

Good luck.

[Batya33]

Are you busy enough with positive things right now? It's easier to get "stuck" if you're not as you know.  In love feelings are delicious and awesome.  And the love that maintains and grows a serious relationship is most often the giving part of love.  It's hard sometimes!  In the tough moments it does help to remember the spark but literally in the moment of a challenging interaction the loving as  giving IMO rules the day. I had to take a step back last night when I was frustrated with my husband's handling of a parenting situation and give him grace -internally 'he had a long day and maybe he's distracted by work worries or something" -

I grew into this sort of loving as giving and it can be a work in progress but it's much more long lasting than in love - like difference between one awesome taste of the best dessert ever vs. sipping a favorite hot beverage slowly over time and feeling the rightness of the relationship because of good choices and some sacrifice.  But yes IMO the za za zoom sparkly in love feelings are essential too.

[TacticalLinguine]

19 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Are you busy enough with positive things right now? It's easier to get "stuck" if you're not as you know.  In love feelings are delicious and awesome.  And the love that maintains and grows a serious relationship is most often the giving part of love.  It's hard sometimes!  In the tough moments it does help to remember the spark but literally in the moment of a challenging interaction the loving as  giving IMO rules the day. I had to take a step back last night when I was frustrated with my husband's handling of a parenting situation and give him grace -internally 'he had a long day and maybe he's distracted by work worries or something" -

I grew into this sort of loving as giving and it can be a work in progress but it's much more long lasting than in love - like difference between one awesome taste of the best dessert ever vs. sipping a favorite hot beverage slowly over time and feeling the rightness of the relationship because of good choices and some sacrifice.  But yes IMO the za za zoom sparkly in love feelings are essential too.

Thanks for your thoughts!

I feel like I'm doing everything I'm supposed to.. I've been working hard, I focus on my hobbies, my art, reading.. I feel like I'm always doing things "right" but yet something I do is so very wrong. 

About love, I hear you. I definitely understand that successful, happy relationships require a deeper sense of loving and respect, not necessarily the "za za zoom sparkly feelings" as you put it (made me giggle). I really ache for that as well. In all my relationships, the men loved me very selfishly. The last guy kept me around as some sort of an item to brag about. He kept talking about wanting to "show me off" and in public made comments to himself, poking fun at other men in a way, about how he managed to "date out of his league". I never really responded, I don't like shallow bragging, but that's been the crux in all my relationships. I am attractive, I am successful, and that is all, apparently. They don't care about who I am. How can I fall in love with that. How can I respect that. 

I always thought something good would come, that I'd meet a man I could have those really good feelings for, one who would treat me right, and one I could still respect years down the line, after the excitement and curiosity has died down. I don't think I'm asking for much either. Perhaps this sounds dramatic, but even though I am only 25, I am not hoping anymore. 

[Batya33]

I'm so sorry you're losing hope at 25! za za zoom is Carrie's line from sex and the city lol.  You are picking and sticking around with guys who don't seem to want to know you as a person so that's on you too - that's safer than being vulnerable -you can just be like arm candy/trophy.  (I was head over heels with arm candy when I was 25 - yes, he did love me as a person for sure -and I loved him but I was way too focused on the arm candy part - and 15 years after we broke up we each got married that same year ---- to men --- which was an interesting twist and shocking to me when I learned about his orientation 10 years after the break up - thank goodness I said no to his marriage proposal he made with lots of internal conflict it seems).

Do you treat yourself right? Why do you stick around with someone who objectifies you to that extent? No need to try to fall in love in that situation - very often that issue  you described is there right away --if you're willing to be a good listener and not be wild on cloud 9 bliss.  When I was in my 30s I met a hottie at a bar -he was the brother of someone I already knew -not a stranger.  And he was smart successful and after 5 minutes of talking he made a comment about oral sex.  I said immediately and clearly I did not want to hear about it. 

We talked a bit more -he brought it up again.  I said something like bye and walked away.  My friend said "but he's SOOOO [fill in arm candy/trophy/good catch stuff] and he was probably joking!!".  Right.  Who cares -when you know yourself and your boundaries and values and standards you walk away when there's a red or nearly red flag/that sort of disrespect.  Most people will tell you all you need to know -if you're willing to listen. 

On our very first lunch date in our late 20s my future husband (who I'd marry at 42) wanted to know off the bat -why did I choose the career we were both in -he said later he really wanted to marry a woman who was ambitious and passionate about her career or could explain why she chose it -not just a job.  I had quite the story for him and no I wasn't trying to impress him -wasn't even sure I wanted to date this coworker. I never felt like just arm candy to him.  Even when I was a stay at home mom for 7 years. 

Please don't give up.  Know your worth and if you really want that serious long term relationship (make sure you actually do want that -it can be lots of work to find and maintain!!) you'll get better and better out screening out those types. 

[TacticalLinguine]

So uh. Update. 
 

He messaged me. He sent me a message basically saying he “never saw my final messages” and “when are you back” as I am on a holiday and posting some public photos here and there. 
 

I mean. The dude went dark for close to a month I think? I’m not really sure what to do. I would like to respond and keep a door open, if he ghosts me again then he ghosts me again, I’m not so bothered over it anymore, but I’m unsure. 
 

What are your thoughts?

[TacticalLinguine]

I responded that I was confused when he vanished and vaguely said I’ll still be travelling for a few more weeks.. He can do with that as he pleases. He could’ve messaged me sooner or not ghosted me (he saw my messages 100%). 
 

I gotta go to sleep! 

[Andrina]

I think for some people on OLD, it could be that they hit if off with someone and are giving it an exclusive go. Instead of letting a person know this whom he'd just started communicating with, he doesn't respond until the other thing falls through for him. This could've been what happened.

I know it happened to me, but it was a whole 6 months later and the guy called, acting like we'd just chatted the day before. I was no longer interested.

It's totally up to you if you want to give this another chance to take off. Not very promising though, since the good vibes are now tainted.

[rainbowsandroses]

44 minutes ago, TacticalLinguine said:

He messaged me. He sent me a message basically saying he “never saw my final messages”

How did he know you sent him a "final message" if he never saw it? 

Not buying that excuse myself but in my experience with online "interactions" people come and go, fade in and out.

It's your call though.

[Batya33]

Even if he didn't see it if he really wanted to be in touch he would have.  The end.  So I'd proceed if you assume you're more the afterthought/back up person.  

[catfeeder]

Hi TL, unless comatose, the guy was never into me enough to message me, or else he would have discovered my 'missed' message. So,'next' to him, and not even a reply.

With millions of people in the world, there's no need to nibble around the edges with anyone who doesn't strike simpatico with you. Hold out for who and what you deserve.

Much love, Cat

PS: Tell your Mom it's not kind to be so catty. (You don't need to put up with that.)

[smackie9]

Block/delete/move on. 

[TacticalLinguine]

On 2/4/2024 at 4:42 AM, rainbowsandroses said:

How did he know you sent him a "final message" if he never saw it? 

Not buying that excuse myself but in my experience with online "interactions" people come and go, fade in and out.

It's your call though.

Right! The lying is so “icky” to me. Yeah you saw my message, you chose not to respond! Damn it!😂

On 2/4/2024 at 7:08 AM, catfeeder said:

Hi TL, unless comatose, the guy was never into me enough to message me, or else he would have discovered my 'missed' message. So,'next' to him, and not even a reply.

With millions of people in the world, there's no need to nibble around the edges with anyone who doesn't strike simpatico with you. Hold out for who and what you deserve.

Much love, Cat

PS: Tell your Mom it's not kind to be so catty. (You don't need to put up with that.)

Thanks for your sweet message, the mum section gave me a giggle😬

With online dating, I don’t see how I can expect to always be “first”. In that sense, I get it. I’ve been in a situation before where a guy had the decency to message me “Hey, I hit it off with someone else, I want to be respectful”. I felt bad at the time but was grateful for the honesty. Some months later he hit me up again, the other thing didn’t work out, and he’d been “thinking of me”. I went out with him a couple times but ultimately ended it, our values didn’t match at all. 
 

I get that. But ghosting and coming back with a weak excuse was lame!
 

—-

We have exchanged some messages, I don’t know if that’s necessarily smart of me, haven’t really given it much thought. Probably not. Whenever “thing” begins with drama, said thing never goes well (for me). I did make it clear the disappearing act wasn’t acceptable to me. I feel I handled it well. I feel I’m still handling it well. I’m holding on to my happiness. To me.

I have a sweet spot for the boy I crushed on in school, it’d be nice to even have him as an acquaintance, but I’m not holding my breath. The situation gives me some anxiety, I’m distancing myself and just keeping it at casual replies. I’ve reflected a lot on my travels thus far, I’ll be kind, but protect and stand for myself. I’ve been thinking a lot about boundaries and self-love, you see. I also connected and really hit it off with an old girlfriend, which feels amazing. We have a lot to think back to. She’s great! 
 

Hope you’re all having a great start to the week. I felt really bad when he ghosted me, but I’m honestly glad I got to, in some way, reconnect with an old memory that brought me happiness as a child. Sending good vibes your way! 

[Kwothe28]

2 hours ago, TacticalLinguine said:

I did make it clear the disappearing act wasn’t acceptable to me. I feel I handled it well. I feel I’m still handling it well. I’m holding on to my happiness. To me.

How is your hapiness going to go when he "ghosts" you again?

The way I see it you had 2 choices

1) You ignoring him and not send anything. Which would actually raise your confidence a bit as you would show yourself that you hold yourself in high regard and that you wont succumb to some dumb guy games

2) You responding to message, continuing all this and making your confidence low when he eventually does dissapear again

Sadly you chose option 2. So enjoy the benefits of it. Just dont blame the guy after this because you didnt knew first time, but you know now how he is. And after that, all what happens is on you.

[TacticalLinguine]

Just now, Kwothe28 said:

How is your hapiness going to go when he "ghosts" you again?

The way I see it you had 2 choices

1) You ignoring him and not send anything. Which would actually raise your confidence a bit as you would show yourself that you hold yourself in high regard and that you wont succumb to some dumb guy games

2) You responding to message, continuing all this and making your confidence low when he eventually does dissapear again

Sadly you chose option 2. So enjoy the benefits of it. Just dont blame the guy after this because you didnt knew first time, but you know now how he is. And after that, all what happens is on you.

I don’t plan on “blaming the guy”, if he ghosts, he ghosts. I’ve already seen it. If he plays games, he plays games, I’m doing my thing. 
 

I guess I shall “enjoy the benefits of it”. The snark was unnecessary, though. 

[Kwothe28]

1 hour ago, TacticalLinguine said:

I don’t plan on “blaming the guy”, if he ghosts, he ghosts. I’ve already seen it. If he plays games, he plays games, I’m doing my thing. 

Good. As long as you know that you are going to hit your head against the wall on your own, its fine by me.

[Batya33]

5 hours ago, TacticalLinguine said:

With online dating, I don’t see how I can expect to always be “first”.

I never expected that in any manner of dating or trying to date until we were exclusive (and then I came first as far as any romantic relationship -we weren't trying to date anyone else ) - I did expect to be treated with respect and like a lady -but that's not about first - I did expect reliability and consistency -basic play nicely in the sandbox stuff - but not "first".  

For me silence was lack of interest and "sorry I met someone else and you're SOOOOO  amazing and some special man will snap you up!!!" -was ---- icky --- after a couple of dates - totally fine not to ask me out again -that meant he wasn't into me - I didn't need the silly buttering up from someone I knew -not at all really.  

While we were on a date -we came first to each other.  For sure - just like with a plan with a friend - and unless we made tentative plans I expected him to show up on time and not cancel last minute except for an emergency.  Because that's how I treat people. 

[TacticalLinguine]

It appears he has ghosted me again (opened my message close to 24h ago, avtively looking at my photos and stories online, but no response). 
 

Whatever. He must’ve been bored when he reached out, he said he’d been ill. He seemed eager when texting, but that’s it. I feel fine, I expected it. Onwards 🙂