How do I heal from this? And should I tell her ex the truth?

[joc11]

Just over 2 years ago I started a new job. A small hospitality place with a small team. Apart from the weekends it would just be me and my manager working together. We became pretty close friends and for most of the first year it was a totally platonic friendship. On a few occasions I spent time with her and her then-fiance and always thought they had a strange relationship, almost like they were just roomates and didn't seem close at all. They'd been together 10 years.

 

As time went on and the closer we got I started to develop feelings which got stronger as time went on, the friendship got increasingly more flirtatious, and I started feeling bad about it. About a year ago I confronted her about it and said something would need to change. She admitted she had strong feelings for me too and she hadn't been happy with her partner for years, but wanted to see if it was worth saving. We left things at that for a bit and eventually she decided she wanted to end things with him, and told me she had feelings for me she'd never felt before and didn't know existed. 

 

A couple months went by of her telling me she was getting closer and closer to leaving him, and me begging her to either break up with him or tell him how she was feeling. She'd say she needed to find the right time and the right reason, and needed him to do something to give her a reason to break up with him. I requested to be moved elsewhere in the company and started moving around our other sites, one of which is just a few doors away from her site, because nothing was changing and she wasn't taking any action, but nothing really stopped. Things kept escalating with us and it got to the point of emotional cheating, conversations also kept turning sexual and while we didn't sleep together until after they'd broken up, it did get physical a few times. 

 

Eventually one of her friends who knew what was going on told her boyfriend, but instead of coming clean she denied it all and convinced him it was lies. They mutually decided to break up and he said he hadn't been happy for a long time either. They cancelled their wedding and they decided to keep living together for the time being as they both owned the house they lived in. After this things stopped with us for a few weeks as she said it was ruined and we wouldn't work any more, but eventually we started seeing each other, although she said we couldn't be in an actual relationship yet and it would have to stay a secret for the time being, because she was worried what people would think and would assume she had been cheating, but things would change once the situation moved on and when they weren't living together any more.

 

This went on for basically 9 months, we spent a lot of time together and even went away together. She said he was planning on moving out multiple times during this time but it never happened, and it having to stay a secret eventually started taking its toll on me. I felt worthless and like I was just a dirty little secret *** buddy, I'd voice this to her and she'd tell me I was so much more than that and it wouldn't always be like this. I'd say I was worried it was never going to move forward and she said to her it was obvious that it would. She would also be inconsistent with what she wanted out of us, at times telling me it was gonna move forward but other times saying she didn't know if she wanted that and thinks even if the situation was different she just wanted to be single for now.

 

Eventually the feelings of worthlessness started taking over and I was starting to find it impossible to be happy in the situation. I ended it a few times but always got sucked back into it because I felt really strongly about her and wanted it to go somewhere, I could genuinely see a life with her. We kept arguing about it all the time and then towards the end of October/start of November a new guy started at her site in my old position. I was on shift with them to train him, and the way she was with him made me feel super uncomfortable and insecure. I confronted her about it but she said it was nothing, but the fact I was insecure and that we had been having issues recently meant it wasn't working any more and we stopped seeing each other.

 

Over the next few weeks she stopped contacting me except for a few times to ask for favours which annoyed me, which in turn annoyed her as she said she'd done a lot for me in the past and friends helped each other out. Eventually we started talking again. The situation with the new guy had been playing on my mind, so I asked her if anything was going on. She kept avoiding the question, eventually telling me they'd started sleeping together.

 

I was really, really hurt by this. She said she hadn't done anything wrong and was single so she could do whatever she wanted, which I'm not disputing, but the fact she'd cited my insecurities over him as part of the reason things had to end between us, and then actually started sleeping with him within weeks is what hurt. And because he was in the same job I had with her in the place where we fell for each other, and they'd both be working together every day, made me feel like nothing we had was real and turned the whole situation upside down for me. The fact I had to work in the same company as them and keep being reminded of it just threw me so low, it ruined my sense of self-worth, made me seriously depressed, and I couldn't face going into work any more. One day in December I ended up going into hospital because I was feeling suicidal. I decided to leave my job because of it, which was a job I absolutely loved. I think it was an absolutely terrible thing to do, and that she'd expected me to keep doing things for her after we ended as though it was my duty as her friend, but she couldn't look out for me and think about how it might affect me and my job was just totally selfish, insensitive and heartless. She couldn't and still can't see this. We argued and argued, I said some horrible things which I regret, and eventually stopped talking altogether.

 

All this completely changed my opinion of both her and the whole situation in general, and I've started feeling guilty for how it started in the first place, and can't believe how oblivious I was to the red flags she showed in dealing with the situtation with her ex from the start. But it's a situation that's still ongoing. They had argued over the ownership of their house a few times since they broke up, with him initially deciding he wanted to keep the house, but eventually she convinced him to let her buy him out, obviously under false pretenses because he isn't aware of the full situation of why their relationship ended in the first place, and I'm pretty sure deep down he doesn't want to or he would have moved out by now. She's planning on replacing him on their mortgage with her mother this month and buying him out. Another thing I keep thinking of is that she told me they have a pretty large sum of money which he hadn't mentioned for a long time and was hoping he's forgotten about, which I feel is also totally immoral. 

 

Basically I can't shake the guilt I'm feeling over all this, and feel it would be wrong of me to not come clean to him. The main things stopping me are that she'd mentioned to me once that he'd voiced having suicidal thoughts in the past, and that on a few occasions years ago he'd gotten violent while very drunk, and I don't want him to end up hurting himself or her. I've spoken to a few friends, some of whom have said it would be right for me to tell him so he'd know the truth and be able to make fully informed decisions going forward, and some of whom have told me to leave it as I'd just be opening old wounds for him when he's probably gotten over the break up at this point and causing a whole new heap of drama.

 

I want to make this decision based on it being the right thing to do, not just influenced by any feelings over having been hurt by her.

 

It's also massively damanged my self confidence, my self worth, and made me feel lonely and insecure. I had a long term relationship end in a similar fashion years ago, and even though this wasnt a long term relationship its arguably damaged me even worse. Any advice would be hugely appreciated. 

[Wiseman2]

15 minutes ago, joc11 said:

 he would have moved out by now. She's planning on 

Sorry this is happening. She's cheating on her live in BF and at some level you know this.

Please save your sanity and end it. They're still living together and sadly you're hearing every typical cheater line there is about how complicated it is and how they're "planning" on leaving imminently. 

Even though real relationships wiith single available women take more work and effort, this situation isn't worth the headaches and heartaches just for noncommittal sex and the thrill of deceit while this poor dude does the heavy lifting. 

[boltnrun]

I would stay out of it. As you know she's excellent at lying. She will tell her ex fiance that you are an obsessed former employee who won't leave her alone. Even if you offer to provide proof she will (convincingly) tell him you faked the messages (which as you know is completely possible to do). Or she might tell him you threatened her so she went along with it to try to keep you from harming her. 

You already experienced suicidal ideation as a result of your interactions with this woman. I don't think it's a good idea to continue to insert yourself into her life in any manner.  It'll also be upsetting to have her paint you as some kind of delusional psycho stalker. That wouldn't be good for your emotional health.

Just leave this entire situation behind. And learn from it. Don't ever again get involved with someone who's in a relationship. As you found, it turns out horribly no matter what. 

[shouldhavelearned]

The way she treated him will most likely be the way she treats you.

 

Move on 

[Kwothe28]

5 hours ago, joc11 said:

The situation with the new guy had been playing on my mind, so I asked her if anything was going on. She kept avoiding the question, eventually telling me they'd started sleeping together.

The least surprising turn of events ever. You expected a cheater to be a loyal partner. That wont happen. People who lie and cheat wont change their MO for you. They will stay what they are.

How do you heal? Well, a good therapy is on order since you were suicidal. It takes time to heal from stuff like this. You had affair with somebody. It takes time to process that and get back out there as a healthy individual. Oh and also, sorry, but for your own peace, leave the job. Its not worth it being around somebody like her.

Should you tell the ex? Nah. I always believed keeping your own peace is more important then chasing revenge. You are maybe thinking that she somehow "got away with it" and that you need to "punish her". But karma does it without you getting your hands dirty. After all of this what does she has? 10 year relationship broken? Empty home? Again, she isnt really some kind of a "winner" there. Leave karma to do it for you.

[joc11]

4 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

The least surprising turn of events ever. You expected a cheater to be a loyal partner. That wont happen. People who lie and cheat wont change their MO for you. They will stay what they are.

How do you heal? Well, a good therapy is on order since you were suicidal. It takes time to heal from stuff like this. You had affair with somebody. It takes time to process that and get back out there as a healthy individual. Oh and also, sorry, but for your own peace, leave the job. Its not worth it being around somebody like her.

Should you tell the ex? Nah. I always believed keeping your own peace is more important then chasing revenge. You are maybe thinking that she somehow "got away with it" and that you need to "punish her". But karma does it without you getting your hands dirty. After all of this what does she has? 10 year relationship broken? Empty home? Again, she isnt really some kind of a "winner" there. Leave karma to do it for you.

This really gave me some clarity. Thank you

[MissCanuck]

No, don’t tell him. Their relationship (as partners and now as exes) is none of your business and you would be over-stepping by meddling now.  It is also very likely to backfire on you. Just stay out of their mess. 

Let go and heal. She is someone else’s headache now. Make better choices for yourself in the future. 

[smackie9]

This is what happens when you have an affair with a taken person. They are incredibly still emotionally tied to that person, and will always find it hard to leave, or will go back to them. It's very possible she is only infatuated not in love because she's just rebounding. The reason is, is that they still very much love them, and wish things can improve. It's very tough to sort through all those feelings to which is what she is going through. You are not in that emotional turmoil. You already have one thing and that is that you want to be with her.

The only solution is to cap those feelings and block/delete go no contact with her. 

[Jaunty]

17 hours ago, joc11 said:

On a few occasions I spent time with her and her then-fiance and always thought they had a strange relationship, almost like they were just roomates and didn't seem close at all. They'd been together 10 years.

As time went on and the closer we got I started to develop feelings which got stronger as time went on, the friendship got increasingly more flirtatious, and I started feeling bad about it. About a year ago I confronted her about it and said something would need to change.

You lost me already right here.

1)  You spent time with them as a couple

2) You CHOSE to keep  going when you "started to develop feelings"

3) You CHOSE to continue into "more flirtatious" behavior 

And ... then you confronted her about "it"?  About what?  You were making your own choices every step of the way.

I did read the rest of your post.  None of those details change the story.  You were a full participant with your eyes wide open from the start. 

I do feel sorry that you are hurting but please, just look at your own choices, the role you played, and learn.

Her cheating, messy relationship etc. are out of your lane now.

Keep moving forward in the OPPOSITE DIRECTION of this woman and whatever part of you decided to deliberately initiate a relationship with her.

[Wonderstruck]

1 hour ago, Jaunty said:

You lost me already right here.

1)  You spent time with them as a couple

2) You CHOSE to keep  going when you "started to develop feelings"

3) You CHOSE to continue into "more flirtatious" behavior 

And ... then you confronted her about "it"?  About what?  You were making your own choices every step of the way.

I did read the rest of your post.  None of those details change the story.  You were a full participant with your eyes wide open from the start. 

I do feel sorry that you are hurting but please, just look at your own choices, the role you played, and learn.

Her cheating, messy relationship etc. are out of your lane now.

Keep moving forward in the OPPOSITE DIRECTION of this woman and whatever part of you decided to deliberately initiate a relationship with her.

I agree with this entire post 100%.

I don't feel sorry for you. You are not the victim here.

[catfeeder]

On 1/3/2024 at 7:48 PM, joc11 said:

I want to make this decision based on it being the right thing to do,

Oh, c'mOn. You were never interested in the right thing to do, which would have been to keep yourself out of another couple's relationship.

If you want to do the right thing, make this the day that you stop fooling yourself about your own motives.