Friends with Benefits or are we catching feelings for each other?

[lonelystranger]

So I met this guy a few months ago and we vibe so well and chat almost everything from politics, to love, lust etc. I just met him once and we had a great sex and ever since we have always been in touch with full consistency and I had to travel back to where I live but what does he mean when he says he misses me and looking forward to being with me ( but both of us don't want to be serious with each other, very clear in our terms about exploring others ) but although he has sex with other women, he says he doesn't feel the vibe with any of them. He is very consistent with texting me almost everyday and updates me whenever wherever he goes...I just don't understand what's going on with him as he always gives me special attention although ours is a long distance. is he just stringing me along ? 

PS: I don't mind him exploring with other women and  vice versa since I am married with other person in a different country and I request not to judge me as I have my own reasons and unhappy in my marriage.

[Wiseman2]

14 minutes ago, lonelystranger said:

. I just met him once and we had a great sex and ever since we have always been in touch with full consistency.  I am married with other person in a different country and I have my own reasons and unhappy in my marriage.

How did you meet? Was it a vacation fling?   It's ok if you want to stay in touch and you're clear that it's an affair and he's free to see others. 

However at some level you know it's not much more than a fling and not really viable given the circumstances so try not to get too caught up in it. 

[lonelystranger]

44 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

How did you meet? Was it a vacation fling?   It's ok if you want to stay in touch and you're clear that it's an affair and he's free to see others. 

However at some level you know it's not much more than a fling and not really viable given the circumstances so try not to get too caught up in it. 

Met him thru an app

[Batya33]

You're not friends -you're sex partners -you're one of a number of his sex partners.  My sense is you'll catch an STD -feelings aren't caught -they can develop between two people but typically if the feeling are part of a healthy relationship it will involve two single people who meet other than through a sex/hook up app where one person is married and therefore cannot ever date.  So it's possible he cares about you but he won't act on it -because you're not available for anything serious plus he's been transparent with sharing that you are one of several women he is putting his penis inside of and while he might enjoy intercourse with you more than with other women he knows it's safe emotionally with you -you're married and you agreed to be sex partners with him from the beginning - no real risk of this becoming also a friendship or also a proper dating relationship.  If you have feelings for him and are feeling icky knowing he leaves you and has intercourse with others this arrangement likely has run its course IMO.

[shouldhavelearned]

And you want to post this on here like it's a problem needing advice.

 

Wake up

[ShySoul]

Friends with benefits almost always follow the same pattern. One or both parties will develop an emotional attachment because sex, by it's nature, is an emotional act. He clearly sounds more into you then you are to him, so will likely be developing that attachment first if he hasn't already. As you are not in a position to commit and are unwilling to do so anyway, there will come a point where you should cut out the "with benefits," probably better to be sooner then later. Then it'll be a case of just how much of the relationship was friends versus how much was the benefits.

If you are unhappy with the marriage, I would suggest figuring out that first. This is not meant to be a judgement on you or your actions, and I don't know the details of your situation. But when I've seen someone getting involved with other people while still technically with someone else, it doesn't tend to go well. Three parties (at least) are involved and all end up hurt, stuck in a no-win situation. It's not fair to you being with someone you don't want to be with. It's not fair to the spouse who probably wouldn't like the idea of you being with someone else. And it's not fair to the person who may end up developing feelings for you and can't fully be with you. You're free to do whatever you want to do, but in the long run this may just end up hurting you more.

[ShySoul]

4 hours ago, Batya33 said:

You're not friends -you're sex partners

Always found the term "friends with benefits" funny. Can't people just be honest and admit they mean sex partners? That's what the "benefit" is, so just come out and say it. And generally when the sex stops, so does the friendship. Not that the situation can't be used for a good friendship, I just hear it used way more as a polite way of saying "person I regularly have sex with but aren't in a relationship with."

[Kwothe28]

I believe I just found most cringe-worthy word ever. Its "vibe". 

Anyway, you met once and had sex. He has sex with other women and you are married. He doesnt have feelings for you in the way you think, he just wants sex. When he says he misses you, it means he misses sex with you. What you have is passion for each other. Which is fine. But that is not love and doesnt mean he wants to be with you. Otherwise he wouldnt sleep with other women but would pursue you to be with you. People who catch feelings have a hard time discerning between passion and love. You caught feelings. So you are seeing FWB arrangement as something more. Which is precisely why you shouldnt be in one. As soon as feelings are caught, its not casual sex anymore. So, husband or no husband, get out of there. This wont end well for you. 

[Jaunty]

You are married and had sex one time with a stranger.  And you're both evidently having a fun fantasy texting thing.  That about covers it.

 

[lonelystranger]

14 hours ago, ShySoul said:

Friends with benefits almost always follow the same pattern. One or both parties will develop an emotional attachment because sex, by it's nature, is an emotional act. He clearly sounds more into you then you are to him, so will likely be developing that attachment first if he hasn't already. As you are not in a position to commit and are unwilling to do so anyway, there will come a point where you should cut out the "with benefits," probably better to be sooner then later. Then it'll be a case of just how much of the relationship was friends versus how much was the benefits.

If you are unhappy with the marriage, I would suggest figuring out that first. This is not meant to be a judgement on you or your actions, and I don't know the details of your situation. But when I've seen someone getting involved with other people while still technically with someone else, it doesn't tend to go well. Three parties (at least) are involved and all end up hurt, stuck in a no-win situation. It's not fair to you being with someone you don't want to be with. It's not fair to the spouse who probably wouldn't like the idea of you being with someone else. And it's not fair to the person who may end up developing feelings for you and can't fully be with you. You're free to do whatever you want to do, but in the long run this may just end up hurting you more.

I really appreciate the message. Thank you! He keeps saying he doesn't like other women and not match up to his expectation, I really don't know what he is trying to say. He says he thinks of me all the time, well in that case how could he sleep with other woman.

[Wiseman2]

41 minutes ago, lonelystranger said:

 He keeps saying he doesn't like other women and not match up to his expectation. He says he thinks of me all the time, 

This seems to assuage your ego and unhappiness from a bad marriage but please understand, it's temporary and when it ends you may have to deal with 2 heartaches instead of one. 

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, lonelystranger said:

I really appreciate the message. Thank you! He keeps saying he doesn't like other women and not match up to his expectation, I really don't know what he is trying to say. He says he thinks of me all the time, well in that case how could he sleep with other woman.

Because he is able to and enjoys compartmentalizing -or maybe he fantasizes about your body when he has his penis inside someone elses.  He likes putting his penis in various women -not just you - and he settles for it so he can have variety.  Watch the feet not the lips.  What he does -he has sex with lots of women.  He has not changed that behavior.  Why? Because he doesn't wish to -simple as that.

[ShySoul]

9 hours ago, lonelystranger said:

He keeps saying he doesn't like other women and not match up to his expectation, I really don't know what he is trying to say. He says he thinks of me all the time, well in that case how could he sleep with other woman.

Why did you sleep with him when you are married? Why do people enter into situations where they sleep with multiple people in the first place? Because there is something inside them that is feeling empty and this is one way people find to fill that void. There might be a decent reason (unable to escape an abusive relationship and finding comfort in someone who wants to help). Or it might just be someone lying and wanting sex. Depends on the person. In this case, you only slept together once, right? But you've talked a lot. So either he's playing a really long game to get you in bed again, or maybe the talking is actually foraging more of a connection and he is feeling it. But he can't be with you due to distance and the marriage.  You also insist that you don't want more. And he's probably used to that lifestyle as it is. So even if there is some feeling there, the situation means it can't be more and he keeps things as it is.

Forget what he thinks for a moment. What do you want? Your goal should be what makes you happy in the long run. Is that happiness in fixing the marriage? With this FWB? With someone else? On your own entirely? Take steps to work towards that happiness, whatever choice it is. 

[NighttimeNightmare]

On 1/3/2024 at 2:18 PM, lonelystranger said:

I am married with other person in a different country and I request not to judge me as I have my own reasons and unhappy in my marriage.

You’re going to receive some sort of judgement, or at least inquiries, about this.  
 

no one is going to coddle you into normalizing cheating 

if your husband isn’t ok with you sleeping with other men then you need to go back and reevaluate what’s going on and find healthy ways to deal with this that don’t involve traumatizing and betraying people (if that’s what is going on)

[Batya33]

6 hours ago, ShySoul said:

Why do people enter into situations where they sleep with multiple people in the first place? Because there is something inside them that is feeling empty and this is one way people find to fill that void.

Or maybe because it's really fun and pleasurable! Why do people like to sample all different flavors of ice cream? Travel all over even though they can watch youtube videos of the various places.  Some people like variety in sex partners. I wouldn't judge. I never wanted that, never did that.  Others do it to fill a void just like some people eat emotionally.  Doesn't need to be a lifestyle.  The OP's partner and she want different things.  He tells her how she compares to his other partners. 

He knows she is fine with the arrangement because she continues to have sex with him.  She can say no. She can say - I only want to have sex with you from now on if you want to be in an exclusive relationship with me so we can see if we want to be serious with each other potentially. And he can decide if he wants that.  Likely he will decline since his actions are consistent with having multiple sex partners.  But I wouldn't judge as to why.  Just like I am not judging her -she is being dishonest with herself in a way but apparently the pleasure of being with him naked and having sex is worth the risk of her getting attached to him. 

[Jaunty]

Why are you pursuing this and getting emotionally involved when you are married?  Does it seem like a safe fantasy situation because he lives far away from you and you are unlikely to actually engage in person much, if ever again?

[ShySoul]

17 hours ago, Batya33 said:

He knows she is fine with the arrangement because she continues to have sex with him.

On 1/3/2024 at 1:18 PM, lonelystranger said:

I just met him once and we had a great sex and ever since we have always been in touch with full consistency and I had to travel back to where I live but what does he mean when he says he misses me and looking forward to being with me

My reading of the situation is they met once, had sex and have been in contact since but that she had to travel back home (the way it's worded seems like some distance involved) so they are not having sex. But they are still talking about other topics and "vibe" well without the sex. So I don't think this is just about sex. I think they have actually got to know each other to some degree. Because of that, he's developed an attachement. He is the one messaging everyday and telling her that the other girls aren't as interesting. Meanwhile, she has made clear she's not interested in more and is confused by his actions. Doesn't seem like she is the one in danger of getting attached. Of course, lonelystranger can correct any of this if I'm wrong.

Ultimately, I don't really care about the FWB situation. I care about lonelystranger, the person. Something caused her to seek out companionship while she was with someone else. She says she is unhappy in the marriage. For her there seems to be something missing, something her current relationship isn't giving her. I just want to see her figure out what she wants, what will make her happy. I'm not going to judge her or say she did something wrong or isn't being honest with herself. She seems to understand her actions and motivations, whatever they are. All I want for her is to find what makes her truly happy and fully pursue it. 

Lonelystranger, hope you find what you want.

Oh, and when it comes to trying ice cream flavors, why would you ever need to try anything other then Mint Chip? Having that is certainly more fun and pleasurable then the time I accidently had coffee flavored. 🤮😁

[Batya33]

7 hours ago, ShySoul said:

Ultimately, I don't really care about the FWB situation. I care about lonelystranger, the person. Something caused her to seek out companionship while she was with someone else. She says she is unhappy in the marriage. For her there seems to be something missing, something her current relationship isn't giving her. I just want to see her figure out what she wants, what will make her happy. I'm not going to judge her or say she did something wrong or isn't being honest with herself. She seems to understand her actions and motivations, whatever they are. All I want for her is to find what makes her truly happy and fully pursue it. 

I think with rare exception it's wrong to cheat and especially when you then expose another person to STDs. Totally get she asked not to be judged but she is asking for a judgment as to whether her sex partner might have emotional feelings for her. To answer that requires context - he might but he might be choosing not to act on them because he ultimately -if he stops having sex with multiple women - not to be with someone where it started out as her cheating on her husband - just like if I feel a connection to a person as a potential friend if I learn that their values are not compatible with mine in a significant way I might think twice or have strong boundaries. 

She is available for sex whether or not he acts on his feelings so it could be he figures it's safe to compliment her by comparing her to his other sex partners because he's not going to end up serious with a woman he might worry about cheating on him in the future if she's displeased with him.

I assume she had sex because she felt like it -the end -and she justified cheating instead of leaving the marriage because the benefits of having sex with this person outweighed all the risks and downsides including cheating on her husband instead of leaving him first and then having sex. She prioritized her own sexual pleasure over the commitment to her husband and over his well being.

As far as his words to her I advise her  to watch the feet not the lips.    

I know of many people who get attached to people including people they have intercourse with.  Doesn't mean they're going to act on the attachment.  I had a crush on a radio personality I listen to daily.  It was fun to have a crush and I enjoyed hearing his voice every day.  I chose not to act on my feelings by trying to contact or meet him -I never even considered it.  Why? Because I am married and if I'd felt something was missing in my marriage I wouldn't have acted on that feeling by acting inconsistently with my loyalty and commitment and marriage vows.  There's always a choice to honor one's commitment with rare exception.  She was not being abused and had no reason why she couldn't first leave her husband before having intercourse outside the marriage.

I would never read into what this man who sleeps around and knows his sex partner cheated says about being into her.  To me that makes no sense in this situation.