Family ignores attempts to reach out by texts on holidays.

[Susan]

I think I have a loving relationship with my 52 year old son’s (grand children 19 and 23) family, except they ignore my texts. I think they prefer using text because they don’t answer their phone usually. 
it makes me sad when they won’t respond to invitations for dinner or even Happy New Year! I try to always be there and helpful to them without smothering.

During other times of the year they are a little more responsive but not holidays. Other than Christmas Day and birthdays, I feel so left out of their lives and unimportant. Although we tell each other I love you and I feel it’s real. 
 

we have an inheritable genetic disease of Huntingtons in the family. I wonder how that affects the gamily dynamics. It’s hard to talk about it and they don’t share with me about it. 
What can I do to deal with my feelings of emptiness on holidays. How do I tell them what’s going on with me without risking a backlash of resentment?

[Wiseman2]

11 minutes ago, Susan said:

I think I have a loving relationship with my 52 year old son’s (grand children 19 and 23) family.During other times of the year they are a little more responsive but not holidays.we have an inheritable genetic disease of Huntingtons in the family.

Sorry this is happening. Do you live far away? Are you widowed? Is this your only child? How often do you see them?  The holidays are a difficult time. Are they more responsive at other times? How is your relationship with your son's wife. Is it the grandchildren that don't respond or your son? 

[Batya33]

What do they do instead for holidays? Yes they should respond yes or no to an invitation.  So stop inviting for a holiday.  Invite for a random day.  What specifically do you do to be there for them? Have you had a sit down with a health care professional about the risks of Huntingtons? And what does that have to do with holiday meals?

I'd assume they don't focus on specific holidays like you do.  Especially young adults/adults might have plans with their friends.

[catfeeder]

3 hours ago, Susan said:

...my 52 year old son’s (grand children 19 and 23) family

How is your relationship with your son, one-on-one? Have you discussed this with him?

If you could win a million dollars by identifying why your son doesn't include you in family holidays, how much of that money could you win?

The grandkids likely follow their father's lead, so if there is a gap, it's between you and your son.

I'm so sorry, and my heart goes out to you.

[Susan]

7 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. Do you live far away? Are you widowed? Is this your only child? How often do you see them?  The holidays are a difficult time. Are they more responsive at other times? How is your relationship with your son's wife. Is it the grandchildren that don't respond or your son? 

 

[Susan]

Hi Wiseman2, 

Thanks for your response. We live close by each other so physical distance is not an issue. I see them every 2-3 weeks but only when I ask for a visit. My ex-husband has Huntingtons disease and is in long term care. My son is very stressed having to deal with him. I guess he sees what’s coming for himself I a few years.  I do get along with my daughter in law however she hardly ever responds except through my son. You may be right, the grandchildren may have learned from their example. We have discussed counselling but they don’t seem ready to deal with the disease or emotions facing them all, potentially. I understand that’s common, and I think I understand. 
Perhaps holidays are too hard for them and they just want a break from family. It hurts that they don’t consider me a source of comfort and reach out to me. 

[Susan]

4 hours ago, catfeeder said:

How is your relationship with your son, one-on-one? Have you discussed this with him?

If you could win a million dollars by identifying why your son doesn't include you in family holidays, how much of that money could you win?

The grandkids likely follow their father's lead, so if there is a gap, it's between you and your son.

I'm so sorry, and my heart goes out to you.

Hi Catfeeder

Thanks for your response. You may be right, the grandchildren may have learned from my son’s example.

its hard to say what the truth is about our relationship around holidays. We have talked about it and he expresses his stress and frustration having to deal with everything and especially his father who has quite regressed mentally with the disease of Huntington’s. Perhaps I get lumped in with the stressors. 
I sometimes think I should ignore their few communications, let them miss me, but two wrongs don’t make it right. 
I guess I’ll just have to keep busy with my own life and not expect too much from them. It’s just sad what this illness does to families. 

[Wiseman2]

24 minutes ago, Susan said:

. I see them every 2-3 weeks but only when I ask for a visit. My ex-husband has Huntingtons disease and is in long term care. My son is very stressed having to deal with him. I guess he sees what’s coming for himself I a few years. 

In this case try not to take it personally. Your son may be stressed out about his father. As far as the grandchildren, unfortunately they are at the age where they're hanging out with friends more than family. 

[Susan]

7 hours ago, Batya33 said:

What do they do instead for holidays? Yes they should respond yes or no to an invitation.  So stop inviting for a holiday.  Invite for a random day.  What specifically do you do to be there for them? Have you had a sit down with a health care professional about the risks of Huntingtons? And what does that have to do with holiday meals?

I'd assume they don't focus on specific holidays like you do.  Especially young adults/adults might have plans with their friends.

Hi Batya33

I hear you. They don’t regard holidays or communicating the way I do. I guess I can’t expect them to. And of course the grandkids have a life. 
it’s just hard when you can’t rely on family to nurture your spirit when you need it. That’s what I try to do for them as a family and individually. 
Huntingtons disease is like a black cloud hanging over us all. We’re all busy trying to mostly ignore it. I fear I’m running out of time with them.

It’s also hard accepting that as you age you are not as relevant to the younger generations. 

[Batya33]

6 hours ago, Susan said:

Hi Batya33

I hear you. They don’t regard holidays or communicating the way I do. I guess I can’t expect them to. And of course the grandkids have a life. 
it’s just hard when you can’t rely on family to nurture your spirit when you need it. That’s what I try to do for them as a family and individually. 
Huntingtons disease is like a black cloud hanging over us all. We’re all busy trying to mostly ignore it. I fear I’m running out of time with them.

It’s also hard accepting that as you age you are not as relevant to the younger generations. 

I'm really confused about your assumptions especially the last one -my mom is  turning 89 soon and my 14 year old loves her to pieces and loves when he gets to spend time with her -so do I! 

What does "regard communicating" mean specfically- that's quite broad! And is it all holidays or just those where you invite them over and they rudely don't respond? 

I think it's unrealistic to expect a family to "nurture spirit" when you "need" it.  - if that happens that is awesome! If you want to try to do that go for it -those are your values and what you like to do but don't expect it in return -some families are very close, some not, some all in between, some people regard close friends as more family than blood relatives and on and on. I'm very close with my mother and sister.  I was close for the most part with my inlaws.  I've never expected them to nurture my spirit when I need it. They do, at times -it's not an expectation.  My sense is you see family in a very specific way and perhaps your son and his children feel that level of pressure to be "close" and together.  Still of course  they should respond to an invitation with yes or no etc - whether from family or not!

Sound like you get in your own way with all the negative generalizations and expectations.  

I'm very sorry your family has to deal with Huntingtons!

[Susan]

3 minutes ago, Susan said:

generations. 

 

[catfeeder]

10 hours ago, Susan said:

I fear I’m running out of time with them.

This is the main point I’d express to son. And rather than leave all invitations up to him, I’d invite him to meet for occasional lunches or dinners or to grab a drink. The goal would be to bond with him one on one. 

[Susan]

3 hours ago, catfeeder said:

This is the main point I’d express to son. And rather than leave all invitations up to him, I’d invite him to meet for occasional lunches or dinners or to grab a drink. The goal would be to bond with him one on one. 

 

3 hours ago, catfeeder said:

This is the main point I’d express to son. And rather than leave all invitations up to him, I’d invite him to meet for occasional lunches or dinners or to grab a drink. The goal would be to bond with him one on one. 

Thank you. Great suggestion. I'll try that.

[Susan]

7 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I'm really confused about your assumptions especially the last one -my mom is  turning 89 soon and my 14 year old loves her to pieces and loves when he gets to spend time with her -so do I! 

What does "regard communicating" mean specfically- that's quite broad! And is it all holidays or just those where you invite them over and they rudely don't respond? 

I think it's unrealistic to expect a family to "nurture spirit" when you "need" it.  - if that happens that is awesome! If you want to try to do that go for it -those are your values and what you like to do but don't expect it in return -some families are very close, some not, some all in between, some people regard close friends as more family than blood relatives and on and on. I'm very close with my mother and sister.  I was close for the most part with my inlaws.  I've never expected them to nurture my spirit when I need it. They do, at times -it's not an expectation.  My sense is you see family in a very specific way and perhaps your son and his children feel that level of pressure to be "close" and together.  Still of course  they should respond to an invitation with yes or no etc - whether from family or not!

Sound like you get in your own way with all the negative generalizations and expectations.  

I'm very sorry your family has to deal with Huntingtons!

Thanks Batya33 for your thoughtful response. I've heard it said that expectations are pre-conceived resentments. ha,ha. Perhaps I do have some resentment. Perhaps I have expectations and want closeness with my family. I'm single and have good friends that nurture me. Sometimes I need my family.

However isn't it just a little sad that parents and grandparents are supposed to be the strong ones, be there for others, not need or ask for anything, be self-sufficient and not express any negative emotions. Those are kind of unrealistic expectations to me. These seem to be our normal cultural beliefs in this secular North American society. They don't allow for human vulnerability, recognize loneliness which is epidemic, or allow for a healthy expression of how one is really feeling. 

Thank you for caring though and offering your thoughts and feelings.

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, Susan said:

Thanks Batya33 for your thoughtful response. I've heard it said that expectations are pre-conceived resentments. ha,ha. Perhaps I do have some resentment. Perhaps I have expectations and want closeness with my family. I'm single and have good friends that nurture me. Sometimes I need my family.

However isn't it just a little sad that parents and grandparents are supposed to be the strong ones, be there for others, not need or ask for anything, be self-sufficient and not express any negative emotions. Those are kind of unrealistic expectations to me. These seem to be our normal cultural beliefs in this secular North American society. They don't allow for human vulnerability, recognize loneliness which is epidemic, or allow for a healthy expression of how one is really feeling. 

Thank you for caring though and offering your thoughts and feelings.

I don't agree at all with your generalizations about society.  I'm sorry you feel this way -seems like such a taint on the blessings and joys of getting to be a parent!  I didn't get to be one till I was 42.  I'm 57.  Thankful every day.  Like winning the lottery - I avoid like the plague the "shoulds" or blaming choices on "society" - I try to do my own thing and stick to my values and be a team with my husband.  His values are awesome IMO!

Wanting closeness is far different from expecting family to fill your need to be nurtured on your specific terms and to see you on specific holidays. Again of course it's rude and cold not to respond to an invitation!

[Jaunty]

18 hours ago, Susan said:

My ex-husband has Huntingtons disease and is in long term care. My son is very stressed having to deal with him. I guess he sees what’s coming for himself I a few years.  

Has your son had the genetic testing to confirm that he has the gene for Huntington's disease?  Have your grandchildren (if over 18?)  

[Cherylyn]

People are set in their ways regardless of their reasons.  As long as all of you have a peaceful relationship with each other and since you can't change them,  you're the one who has to learn to adapt and be flexible.  Lower your expectations and lower your standards in people meaning,  they won't do the right thing when you want on your timeline or they'll do less to nil because it is human nature for many. 

If they ignore your texts,  don't text them anymore or decrease your texts significantly.  Wait for them to come around and contact you.  However,  don't wait around for them.  In the meantime,  get busy with your own life with whatever the endeavors.  Exercise,  hobbies,  read,  watch something interesting,  educational or intellectual,  surround yourself with very moral friends,  work hard,  organize your household,  declutter,  take a long hot bath,  enjoy good food or whatever you enjoy.  People are busy and preoccupied so do the same.  It is what I do.  I'm just as busy as the next person.

As for holidays,  try not to be sad due to lack of family support for these special occasions.  In an idyllic Norman Rockwell fantasy,  it would be wonderful but it's unrealistic for a lot of people.  Whenever I'm in my pity pot,  I help the less fortunate such as feeding the homeless.  There are so many safe ways to do this.  I've worked at food banks,  brought boxes of donated non-perishable food and my church has a shoe box donation.   Everyone fills a shoe box for children such as filling it with crayons,  paper,  small toiletries,  toys,  little stuffed animals,  markers,  games,  etc.  These donations are for children who would otherwise receive nothing.   I've also knitted and quilted for the disadvantaged.  Suddenly,  I don't think of myself anymore because there are millions of people worse off than I am. 

You don't always have to be there for your family and be at their disposal.  It's fine to decline and not rescue them every time they need your help.  Learn to pump the brakes at being readily available ONLY when they need you.  Make your relationship with them fair to yourself.  

Since they're more responsible during other times of the year,  then take what you can get and go with it.  Don't focus on birthdays and Christmas anymore.  Go with the flow. 

I'm sorry about the Huntington's disease.  Since it's a sore subject,  then don't talk about it.  Everyone is responsible for their own health and however way they choose to navigate it.

What can you do to deal with your feelings of emptiness on holidays?  Practice gratitude.  You're not homeless and you don't go to bed hungry every night.  When it's cold outside,  you keep warm inside.  You have access to a comfortable life.  Start counting your blessings which is the secret to security and inner happiness. 

Don't tell them what's going on since you know you risk backlash and resentment.  Keep the peace.  Be quiet.  Live your own life.

Since you see them every 2 - 3 weeks, that is enough and more often than someone who lives faraway which requires extensive drive time or airline flights.  Keep your visits brief.  Don't overdo.  Be grateful you get that and refrain from complaining because it's as good as it gets for you. 

It's understandable that your son is very stressed dealing with your ex-husband. 

I'm a daughter-in-law (DIL).  Even though I'm on peaceful terms with my mother-in-law (MIL),  I too only respond through my husband.  I'm not particularly fond of my MIL due to our precarious past history but we're not at war either.  It works.  There are personality and character differences and unfortunately,  many times,  a DIL has zero interest in a chummy relationship with her MIL.  It's just the way it is.   Peace is the best you can get out of it.

I'm sorry about your hurts.  I realize holidays are sentimental and should be special but try not to take being ignored personally.  Do your own thing and appreciate seeing them every 2 - 3 weeks because it's all they're willing to offer.  Accept it.  You won't like it but accept the situation and you'll feel numb to it.  It takes practice to do a reset in your brain and change the way you think.

Even though your grandchildren have learned from your son's example,  often times,  people have a mind of their own and prefer to go their own way daily or any time.  They don't emphasize birthdays and holidays for you or others.  Or,  they prefer to shower their attentions elsewhere.  Many people are this way regardless of their age.

I agree two wrongs don't make a right but what goes around comes around, too.  Treat people the way they treat you.  If they're generous toward you,  then do likewise,  If they're nonchalant,  then you be this way, too.  Emulate their behavior.  I always treat people with respect but I don't give them extra respect nor extra kindness if they don't deserve it.  Pull back.  Be clear on this.

Yes,  keep busy with your own life.  Get a life and make it enriched for yourself.  I agree,  lower your expectations and lower your standards in people meaning they won't always possess the high standards you would like them to have.  Yes,  it's sad about what HD will do to families or any cause.

I agree,  it's hard when family doesn't nurture your spirit when you need it.  Don't lean on them to deliver because they won't.  Even though you try as family,  I suggest that you slow your roll and learn to do less.  Why do all the giving while they have no qualms doing all the taking without being reciprocal?  It doesn't make sense.   Be even and fair to the relationships and yourself. 

If you fear running out of time with them,  concentrate on seeing them every 2 - 3 weeks or whenever their time,  schedules or preferences permit.  Don't hound them about it though.  Be easy and easy going.  No pressure.

It isn't universal to say younger generations aren't interested in older generations.  It's not always true.   It's very individual.  Some young people pay attention to their elders and want to spend time with them whereas some feel a generation gap. 

Most of us want closeness with family.  Realistically,  there are so many personalities and characters to contend with,  tolerate or endure.  Some stark differences are so severe that it leads to estrangement so be thankful you are not strained or estranged. 

You need your family more than they need you.  Therefore,  concentrate on being happy by yourself and other times,  enjoy being with good,  nurturing friends.  Being too close to family is way overrated anyway.  Too much familiarity breeds contempt.  🙄 ☹️

Yes,  it's sad but you have a choice.  Choose to be happy in your own right and with your own life.  Don't rely on family to provide your happiness.  Work with the cards you've been dealt with and make the best of it.  It's what I do and it will build your strength,  security,  inner peace and contentment which you create.