What is he thinking ...?

[Chloe2218]

So my boyfriend of 6 years broke up with me dec10. Moved out Dec 18th. My last contact Dec 20th. Sent me a gift Dec 23rd. Texted merry Christmas Dec 25th. And this new years would have been our 7th. We met this day 12/31/17..... what is he thinking right now. I dont think he will text me because I didn't respond to the merry Christmas text. I've been almost 12days NC. 
 

This is a special day for us. So I'm just wondering if he's struggling? I'm sad. If he does text.... what should I do? 
 

 

anyway. Happy new year! 

[Batya33]

You met 6 years ago and started dating that day? (So it's not 7 years right - that was 6 years ago -just a bit confused!). Accept there is no "us" as in you two are not a couple anymore and I know that's so fresh and hard.  So if he texts respond as  you would with an acquaintance -wish him happy new year and take care/hope he and his family are well.  One day at a time and I'm sorry you're sad.  It's normal!

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, Chloe2218 said:

 I'm just wondering if he's struggling? I'm sad. If he does text.... what should I do. Happy new year! 

Happy new year. I'm sure he's struggling as much as you are after ending such a long relationship. It seems he doesn't want to disrupt "no contact" and your healing and peace since you didn't reply to his Christmas communication. 

[catfeeder]

20 hours ago, Chloe2218 said:

anyway. Happy new year! 

I'm so sorry you're sad, and so it seems a bit weird to wish you a happy new year, too--but I do wish for you that 2024 will surprise you and become one of your very best years ever. Or at least lead you to that as a launching point.

You've had very little cushion time for grieving before being thrust into holiday milestones, and so it's natural for you to find them difficult. People often mention that time heals all wounds, but they fail to mention that the healing requires our participation. Which sucks when you're so not feeling up for that.

One of the biggest challenges of grieving, and yet, also the most effective of ways to accelerate the healing, is to decide how much of your holidays, events, birthday and other milestones 'must' be about suffering versus how much of your focus can be dedicated to reclaiming these milestones as your own.

This may just be too soon for you to attempt such a thing.

This is the kind of suffering that forces us to reconcile the fact that the breakup actually does mean a break up. I mean, his contact on December 20th didn't change that, and his gift on the 23rd didn't change that, and so, unfortunately, even if he were to send a text that says, "happy new year..." it wouldn't change that. In fact, the guy has probably opted against the idea of sending you a message that suggests you should be merry or happy given that he knows he's the source of your pain.

Given that you also know that he wishes you no ill will, chances are, that's the sticking point regardless of how much he may want the best for you.

Head high, hang in there, and write more if it helps.

 

[ShySoul]

It would depend on how peaceful the breakup was and what exactly happened, but odds are he is also struggling. If you are with someone for six years, feelings won't just go away. Holidays especially can be hard as it's suppose to be a time to celebrate. But if you are just coming off of a painful experience, celebrating might not be what you want to do. So if it helps, I'm sure there is some sadness and regret going through his mind right now.

As for what you should do, do what you feel comfortable doing. If you are ok messaging him a quick Happy New Year or something, that's fine. If you don't feel ready to speak with him, that's fine too. The point of this time is for you to heal yourself. Don't do something that might bring back those old feelings and make you feel worse or make you start believing you are going to get back together if it isn't going to happen. But it is okay to be sad or grieve if that's what you are feeling. Try not to focus on him and just take care of yourself right now.

[Chloe2218]

Thanks all. He did not text on New Year's. And I've been working on myself since then trying to I signed up for therapy that starts this week... and today I'm 18 days no contact. But I now have a new situation..... 

 

Update*** 1/7/24

 

two days ago, 

I was just taking my stockings down and this is what I found in Chloe's stocking..... (Chloe is my dog) 

[a blue Post-it note with
the words written on it, "It was me, Sorry"]

and a shopping bag from Ulta w/ 2 items in it. 

Buddy the Elf (from the movie) (which I am obsessed with by the way) 

Scrunchies & hair clip. 

Back in November I was looking at my ULTA rewards point balance to see how many more points I needed for 2023 to keep a certain status and noticed the purchase in a Brentwood store of these two products.

 

 I called HIM, my mom, and my sister and asked them if any of them used my phone number at ulta to purchase these.... everybody said no.
I just thought it was really weird. And too coincidental that somebody mistakenly used my phone number and purchased these items.
 

This was November 16. 
 

when I looked through my photos I see a picture on 10 December where my dogs stocking is clearly empty. He was at work from the 11th until the 14th where we spent our last four days together and he was moving out.... 

during that time I showed him Christmas gifts I got for him. At any point during those four days he could have brought this out and said and by the way it was me I got you those things.

 

Instead he decided to hide it in my dogs stocking. Knowing that I typically don't take Christmas decorations down until close to February..... how does somebody think that it is OK to do something like this. He's not thinking about me or my mental well-being and again to me it looks like he's trying to keep me hooked. I'm just really annoyed at the situation. 

[Wiseman2]

34 minutes ago, Chloe2218 said:

 on 10 December where my dogs stocking is clearly empty. He was at work from the 11th until the 14th where we spent our last four days together and he was moving out.... 

Sorry coming across these things brought up bad feelings about the breakup.  It doesn't seem ill intended since he left the items before he moved out. 

[Chloe2218]

18 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry coming across these things brought up bad feelings about the breakup.  It doesn't seem ill intended since he left the items before he moved out. 

On one hand it doesn't seem ill intended, but on the other hand why not just be open about it when I'm telling you about the Christmas gifts I got you. Instead you're going to hide it somewhere for me to find it later. That's thoughtless and insensitive. And not cute as it would be if we were still together .... and now if it was for the dog that would be a different story. But it wasn't. I'm going to see if I could return it

[catfeeder]

1 hour ago, Chloe2218 said:

On one hand it doesn't seem ill intended, but on the other hand why not just be open about it when I'm telling you about the Christmas gifts I got you. Instead you're going to hide it somewhere for me to find it later. That's thoughtless and insensitive. And not cute as it would be if we were still together .... and now if it was for the dog that would be a different story. But it wasn't. I'm going to see if I could return it

I can appreciate that when we are hurt by someone we might tend to view everything they do through a lens of antipathy. That's us adopting an adversarial nature as a form of protection. But is it really protection, or is it a knee-jerk reaction to rub salt into our own wounds?

I once lived with a man for four years who I loved like family, although I knew in my heart of hearts that we held divergent views on what we wanted for our own futures. This made me terribly unhappy, and I recognized that I could no longer stay together with him despite the pain I would cause both of us by breaking up.

Well, it turned out to be a good thing for him, because he soon found another woman, who he married. (And as an aside, the weird part here, which I don't recommend as a 'should,' is that I did reconcile as friends with the guy and his new partner, and I attended their wedding with my sister and her husband--but that's more about what I'd been taught as a child of divorce by my parents who were friendly...)

Anyway, point being, I loved this guy as my family, and I still do to this day over 35 years later. That's just an example of one KIND of love. It doesn't mean that we were right as partners, but it doesn't mean that hatred between us would not have served either of us.

At some point you may recognize this. While the guy was not willing to give you want you wanted, that doesn't mean that he's out to deliberately provoke you or that he wishes you harm.

Head high, and hang in there, Chloe.

[ShySoul]

Should he have been been more honest and open about the gifts? Yes. Could things have been handled more sensitively? Yes. Are you fine to feel annoyed and fustrated? Again, yes. But the important thing is to remember the endgame, healing yourself. Focusing too much on a situation like this that ultimately won't cause any harm, will only hold you back in healing. The tendency to dwell on perceived slights or unwanted occurances is understandable. No one wants to deal with situations out of the blue that remind us of everything we've been trying so hard to move on from. But getting upset or letting it occupy our thoughts only keeps us stuck in the same cycle of negativity. It prevents us from processing everything and moving onto something better. So take a little time to be annoyed with him, then roll your eyes at his inability to come out and tell you the truth. Then forget it and focus on getting on with your own life.

Stay strong, it gets better.

[Cherylyn]

I'll go against the grain here.  Since your boyfriend broke up with you,  this breakup should be final.  It's weird that he sent you a Christmas gift after he decided to breakup with you.   If I were you,  I would go NC (no contact) and permanently remain there.  It's unhealthy to resume contact after a breakup especially after he initiated it.  Stick to the breakup and stay the course is what I say.  It's better to truly move on. 

[Chloe2218]

1 hour ago, ShySoul said:

Should he have been been more honest and open about the gifts? Yes. Could things have been handled more sensitively? Yes. Are you fine to feel annoyed and fustrated? Again, yes. But the important thing is to remember the endgame, healing yourself. Focusing too much on a situation like this that ultimately won't cause any harm, will only hold you back in healing. The tendency to dwell on perceived slights or unwanted occurances is understandable. No one wants to deal with situations out of the blue that remind us of everything we've been trying so hard to move on from. But getting upset or letting it occupy our thoughts only keeps us stuck in the same cycle of negativity. It prevents us from processing everything and moving onto something better. So take a little time to be annoyed with him, then roll your eyes at his inability to come out and tell you the truth. Then forget it and focus on getting on with your own life.

Stay strong, it gets better.

Perfectly said!! Thank you