Kind of Sure What to Do, But Also Not Sure...

[tarant5750]

I'm going to try to make this short, but I'm a mess. 

In May of 2022, my ex and I split. It was amicable, but super tough because there wasn't a villain. We got along, but just not right for each other. I really wanted to try, but also had my reservation. Fast forward two years, we've both had boyfriends/girlfriends and have split up. All in between, we hung out, talked, texted, the whole nine yards, so it never felt, but only for a bit, like we were actually broken up. Her and I go back and forth of how we can, "be in each other's lives". I still get, "I love you", and "I'm thinking of you" texts. She's not the only one at fault, I do it too when I get in my feelings. The time has come where she told me she met someone, but it's nothing yet, or doesn't think that it will be. Well, expectedly, my anxiety is going off the charts and would love some advice of what I can do. Is it possible to keep her in my life and be supportive? The problem is, I still love her. It appears she still loves me, unless it's said in different context. I just don't know what to do and I'm tired of crawling out of my skin. Help please! 

[Wiseman2]

11 minutes ago, tarant5750 said:

 We got along, but just not right for each other. in between, we hung out, talked, texted, the whole nine yards, so it never felt, but only for a bit, like we were actually broken up. Her and I go back and forth of how we can, "be in each other's lives".

Sorry this is happening. What exactly were the breakups about? 

On/off relationships are fraught with unresolved incompatibilities and conflicts combined with an unhealthy attachment and lack of other opportunities. 

Unfortunately you're both sort of in an untenable limbo. Not together but not free. Your continued contact makes forming new relationships difficult. Perhaps you're both hanging on as a sort of security blanket?

However eventually you'll have to make a decision to either resolve issues and get in with both feet or set each other free.

[shouldhavelearned]

Is this only because she found someone else?

Why the need to share so much information, even as friends?

Maybe ween off the contact or go NC.

[tarant5750]

15 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. What exactly were the breakups about? 

On/off relationships are fraught with unresolved incompatibilities and conflicts combined with an unhealthy attachment and lack of other opportunities. 

Unfortunately you're both sort of in an untenable limbo. Not together but not free. Your continued contact makes forming new relationships difficult. Perhaps you're both hanging on as a sort of security blanket?

However eventually you'll have to make a decision to either resolve issues and get in with both feet or set each other free.

There were just differences. In things that made us happy, motivations, etc. I feel you're right. Limbo is an appropriate word to describe this and it's very uncomfortable. Regarding a security blanket, I'm personally having a very hard time letting go. With her, I'm not sure what it is 😞

[tarant5750]

15 hours ago, shouldhavelearned said:

Is this only because she found someone else?

Why the need to share so much information, even as friends?

Maybe ween off the contact or go NC.

Because we're not "friends". It's been more than that when the opportunity comes up. I feel the NC rule may be what I'm thinking I know the answer to 😞

[Cookie24]

Sorry about that. My advice to you is to go deep and try to pinpoint the true cause of your anxiety. It may appear that you love her and hence you had that reaction, but it could by anything else. It could be your bruised ego, unmet expectations or anything else. This is how you become more mature, by understanding yourself better and deciphering all the reactions and emotions in you body. The idea of an ex moving on hurts no matter what the reason is,  but for the sake of your mental health I advise to go NC with this ex and try to focus on forming other health romantic relationships with people who are compatible with you. Staying friends with an ex is never a good decision.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Cookie24 said:

Sorry about that. My advice to you is to go deep and try to pinpoint the true cause of your anxiety. It may appear that you love her and hence you had that reaction, but it could by anything else. It could be your bruised ego, unmet expectations or anything else. This is how you become more mature, by understanding yourself better and deciphering all the reactions and emotions in you body. The idea of an ex moving on hurts no matter what the reason is,  but for the sake of your mental health I advise to go NC with this ex and try to focus on forming other health romantic relationships with people who are compatible with you. Staying friends with an ex is never a good decision.

I wouldn't go deep.  I'd take the basic and simple actions as far as NC -yes basic and simple despite being hard.. Then live your daily life.  Typically if you remove the trigger over time it will become apparent to you either as an aha moment or over glimpses over time why you had the reactions you did.  Doing all the self-absorbed thinking and contemplation at this point likely will feel forced and likely will trigger you to keep thinking about her and ruminating and sabotage moving on and sabotage your efforts to not be in contact.  

[Lambert]

I would pull back. the less said the better. She knows. You know.

If you don't want to be together, the solution is to move on.

In time, you may become friends. I have an friend I dated over a decade ago. It took over 5 years of us not being in each other's lives.  We had a lot of mutual friends but we were able to stay a good distance from each other. No ill will but we were not a couple.  we both needed to move on. 

Years later,  we ran into each other a few times and would chat and say hi.  That moved to let's plan to meet. And now we are friends. I don't care who he is with or if he is single. And it's the same on his side. 

We could/ have double dated and it would be no problem. That's friendship. He's not my ex. He's a friend I once dated. But like a lifetime ago. lol

[ShySoul]

On 12/30/2023 at 5:57 AM, tarant5750 said:

Because we're not "friends". It's been more than that when the opportunity comes up. I feel the NC rule may be what I'm thinking I know the answer to 😞

So when you say it's been more, how much more are we talking about? Has there been intimacy, particularly physical? If so, then you are trying to have the best of both worlds, stuck as not a relationship but not just friends. That situation won't last and doesn't generally end well. You need to pick the lane you want to be in. Sometimes what didn't work out before, could work out this time. But if you don't see the issues that ended the relationship having gone away, then you need to stop the behaviors that keep you feeling like you still are in a relationship. You can still be friends, you can still talk and care deeply for each other. Doing so is actually the sign of a very mature person. But there has to be a balance, an avoidance of getting too emotionally stuck. Figure out what you can handle, and what things your can't.

[tarant5750]

On 12/31/2023 at 11:30 PM, ShySoul said:

So when you say it's been more, how much more are we talking about? Has there been intimacy, particularly physical? If so, then you are trying to have the best of both worlds, stuck as not a relationship but not just friends. That situation won't last and doesn't generally end well. You need to pick the lane you want to be in. Sometimes what didn't work out before, could work out this time. But if you don't see the issues that ended the relationship having gone away, then you need to stop the behaviors that keep you feeling like you still are in a relationship. You can still be friends, you can still talk and care deeply for each other. Doing so is actually the sign of a very mature person. But there has to be a balance, an avoidance of getting too emotionally stuck. Figure out what you can handle, and what things your can't.

It's been all of the things. Sometimes it's just texting. Sometimes I'm helping her at her house. Sometimes it's just dinner, and sometimes, other stuff. This has been going on for two years. I think I'm finally hitting a breaking point, but I'm terrified to cut it off. She wants to try to be "in each other's lives", and we have been trying to figure this out, but I'm not sure it's possible so soon. I'm saying, "so soon", because it's like it never really ended. Just with some brief pauses.

[ShySoul]

I'm normally one to say being "in each other's lives" is the best way to go. Why give up what could be a great friendship? But it's the "other stuff" that complicates things. You can't fully heal, move on, or settle into that friendship if you never really end the relationship. Ultimately, you have to do what is best for you. If you can't be around her without the temptation to continue the relationship, then you should take time apart, as much time as you need to figure it out for yourself. Be honest with yourself on what you need, and be honest about it with her. If she cares for you like she seems to, she'll understand.