Girlfriend did something I don't know if I can get over.

[Wiseman2]

16 minutes ago, Onion555 said:

. My intention for dating has always been marriage. But the more I think about her story the more I get repulsed by the idea. 

Please set both yourselves free.  Everything is not "great" if you don't have the same values, you don't respect each other and you're "repulsed" by her past.  She's simply not the right woman for you. 

[Onion555]

19 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. How old is she? There's definitely some TMI going on. She seems immature and perhaps insecure tying to impress you with how "cool" she is that she's experimented with this and that.

Unfortunately it backfired and proved to be a turnoff rather than a turn on. If you feel your basic moral compasses are not aligned, you may have to let go and reflect if you're really compatible or not. 

That's a great point. We are both 24. I think years ago our morals would not have aligned at all. I would have never done something like that. Now we have very similar morals and values. But it still bothers the hell out of me that she didn't always have them I suppose. 

[Onion555]

18 hours ago, Batya33 said:

That's not honesty -it's tacky oversharing.  I would not want to associate with a person who felt it was a good idea to share that.  I've known my husband since 1994.  Been married and together over 20 years. He and I do not know intimate details of each other's sex lives with anyone else.  Nor have we asked.  If he asked me (which would be really odd) I'd tell him it wasn't a good idea to go there.  

Thank you for your feedback. It's nice to know there are long term couples who haven't had that issue

[Onion555]

17 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

Depends on how you look on it. For example, I believe its perfectly fine to break up over "body count" If that means your lifestyles dont match. Not everybody is going to be fine about the details such as that. 

Same with details such as yours. Not everybody is going to be fine if you sleped with your friends mom. Its a good porn scenario but in real life, its pretty messy. So if you are bothered by it, then you are bothered by it. There is no "cure" for stuff like that aside of you maybe get over it if you can. 

What is behind the fear? I get that the whole thing is complicated but why being bothered so much? Are you worrying she might do stuff like that again while she is with you? Are you worrying that her "bi" side(you never stated your gender but by the way you talk I am assuming man) might prevail? Or just morality of whole situation? 

I am a man. And you are right, as much as I hate to admit it the bi side does bother me. I know there's plenty of dudes that are unphased by that. I just don't like the thought if it and get horrible impulsive thoughts of her in these acts then start to ruminate on them. I have never shamed her or made her feel bad. That's who she is and I love her. 

 

But the whole mom thing (along with some OTHER stories shes shared) is like... I feel like that's a huge difference in morales. I couldn't imagine doing something like that. Her morales and values are aligned with mine these days. But it still bothers me that they weren't always. Idk if I'm just expecting too much and it's unrealistic or what. 

[Onion555]

14 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

Then there is your answer.  Her morals and values do not align with yours.  But that is who she was back then, has she changed?  Was it a one off thing?

 I do agree it is one thing to actually do it but then to go around telling others you did it gives me the impression this is how she views these types of intimate situations like it is no big deal.

  Perhaps you wanted this to work so badly that you kept overlooking the mismatch hoping it would somehow get better over time.  It doesn't seem like it has.

 Lost

Yes. Her morales align with mine now. But that definitely wasn't always the case. I don't think it was quite one off. She had similar stories that also make me wrench to think about. She is an amazing person now and I love her very much. But I struggle so much with her past showing up as impulsive thoughts that start looping in my head, and I won't be able to think about anything else for days and days. It's horrible but I wonder if it would be a grave mistake to throw the relationship away just because I can't stop thinking about her past. 

[Batya33]

5 hours ago, Onion555 said:

Thank you for your feedback. It's nice to know there are long term couples who haven't had that issue

What issue? We chose not to ask or tell all about our sexual past.  We are aware of a number of previous relationships including when we were apart -I'm friends with one of his exes! - I did some stuff that was perfectly ok - to me - and would be way TMI to him. I figure with one of his exes it's possible there were some things I'd rather not know about based on what he told me about her -and I didn't ask.  What's the point? For example I've never asked him if he used my engagement ring I wore many years ago to propose to someone else (he never married anyone else or got engaged but perhaps he considered using that ring). Why? I love my ring. He proposed with it again when we got back together.  He still had it.  I do not ever want to know if any other woman wore it/was presented with it.  It would bother me and in this case -ignorance is bliss.

Long term couples only have the issue you have if they choose to overshare in a one sided way (some couples likely enjoy hearing all -it can be a turn on or interesting or fun whatever) - or if one person has done stuff in the past that the other person can't deal with AND it seems like the other person thinks it was ok.

[Andrina]

Being able to let it go or not is key. Just as some couples can recover from a cheating incident, and others can't move beyond the hurt, even if they were certain the incident wouldn't reoccur.

There are some young heterosexual women who have had those brief, exploratory make out sessions with other women which some men wouldn't bat an eye at. But yeah, doing it with a friend's mom is quite egregious and you say there is much more. I couldn't get over that either, and would wonder if after years of domesticity with you, that she might start asking what you think of threesomes or introduce a weird fetish if she has been that wild in the past. 

Yes, you can remain with her and possibly have the same feelings pop up that haunt you now, or free yourself and have faith that at your young age, you can meet someone you can love without negative feelings in that area.

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, Onion555 said:

 I struggle so much with her past showing up as impulsive thoughts that start looping in my head, and I won't be able to think about anything else for days and days. 

Unfortunately there's a few things going on. One is you're incompatible and her past and stories "repulse you" and make you "wrench". 

The other is an unhealthy attachment and inability to let go or accept her. Last but not least you seem to have intrusive obsessions and this is the most important factor because it's the only one you can address and try to resolve.

Please see a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

Discuss the ruminating and obsessing and intrusive thoughts. There is help for that. As far as the rest,  you can't change her or her past. 

[lostandhurt]

9 hours ago, Onion555 said:

It's horrible but I wonder if it would be a grave mistake to throw the relationship away just because I can't stop thinking about her past. 

I agree it would be a mistake to make a rash decision but it would also be a mistake to stay if you cannot look upon her with the eyes of an adoring AND accepting partner.  How would she feel if she knew you are disgusted by the person she once was and now view her as less of a person? 

 She has changed and grown like you have and we all have.  If you truly believe she is no longer that person then like I mentioned earlier this comes down to your problem, not hers.  Perhaps talking to a therapist about how your mind will not let this go would help.  I was once faced with something similar that had transpired years before I met her.  She was taken advantage of barely into her teens and I wanted to hunt the person down and do what needed to be done.  She had long gotten over it and was doing very well but somehow I made it all about me.  In time I realized this very fact that it was my problem, my ego that needed soothing. I am a protector by nature but I needed to see that she didn't need my protection as it happened years and years earlier, what she did need from me was acceptance of who she is, not her past.

 If I could do it you certainly can but it takes a lot of self reflection and gaining knowledge of why.  Why will this not leave your thoughts?  Why is the past so scary?  Why do you need to live in the past? 

 Lost

[catfeeder]

10 hours ago, Onion555 said:

Yes. Her morales align with mine now. But that definitely wasn't always the case. I don't think it was quite one off. She had similar stories that also make me wrench to think about. She is an amazing person now and I love her very much. But I struggle so much with her past showing up as impulsive thoughts that start looping in my head, and I won't be able to think about anything else for days and days. It's horrible but I wonder if it would be a grave mistake to throw the relationship away just because I can't stop thinking about her past. 

Her behaviors were in her past, but her bragging about them was as recent as a year ago. Or less, if she’s continued to tell you stories that wrench you. So you’ll need to decide whether her values and morals have changed within the last year, or whether she’s simply learned to curtail speaking about stuff she may still subscribe to but knows will upset you.

That question could be the thing that’s driving your obsessive thoughts. So maybe it’s the place to start. You may want to consider ways to explore discussions with her about where she stands today in terms of her values and morals. This can help you learn where you stand with her and where you will want to stand in the future.

[Onion555]

7 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately there's a few things going on. One is you're incompatible and her past and stories "repulse you" and make you "wrench". 

The other is an unhealthy attachment and inability to let go or accept her. Last but not least you seem to have intrusive obsessions and this is the most important factor because it's the only one you can address and try to resolve.

Please see a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

Discuss the ruminating and obsessing and intrusive thoughts. There is help for that. As far as the rest,  you can't change her or her past. 

Thank you. My plan was to see a therapist and try and figure it out myself. But due to financial reasons that may be months away. I'm to the point where I don't feel like I can wait months. Right now I am torn between repressing it until I can talk to a therapist or just telling her everything. I feel so guilty keeping it from her, but I know this will really damage our relationship if i dont handle this right. And like I said. I don't know if I have a few more months of this left in me. Because at the end of the day it's my own problem and she hasn't done anything wrong. 

[Onion555]

3 hours ago, catfeeder said:

Her behaviors were in her past, but her bragging about them was as recent as a year ago. Or less, if she’s continued to tell you stories that wrench you. So you’ll need to decide whether her values and morals have changed within the last year, or whether she’s simply learned to curtail speaking about stuff she may still subscribe to but knows will upset you.

That question could be the thing that’s driving your obsessive thoughts. So maybe it’s the place to start. You may want to consider ways to explore discussions with her about where she stands today in terms of her values and morals. This can help you learn where you stand with her and where you will want to stand in the future.

I agree. Thank you for your feedback 

[Onion555]

1 minute ago, Divorced_w_3 said:

The only reason you should feel guilty is if this girl is being exclusive to you and not pursuing other avenues. If you can keep it so you’re the only male in her life, and can accept that she wants a vagina periodically instead of a penis, I really don’t think you’re wasting her time. If she wants to involve you and that’s not your plan, yes youre wasting her time. If you are still having sex with her while you’re working through this, she’s a clearly sexual creature and I don’t think you’re wasting her time there either. 

Thank you for the feedback. We are exclusive. I have asked her many times when we first started dating if she is okay with never being with a girl again and she said absolutely. We are both incredibly loyal to eachother and there are no wondering eyes or anything like that. We are very committed. 

[Tinydance]

Well her being bisexual is actually not a moral or value. This is her sexuality and this is who she is. If you have a problem that she's bisexual and was with another woman then you shouldn't be with her. She's not hurting you or anyone by being bisexual. If you don't accept people for their sexuality that's totally your choice. But I don't think you should waste her time if you're not OK with it. She's not just going to become straight so what do you expect to change? If you prefer to date straight women there are way more straight women out there than bisexual. Look for straight women instead.

I'm bisexual and I've experienced bi phobia all my life and I'm really sick of it. It's OK if people prefer to date straight people, it's a personal choice so up to them.

I remember being on a date with a guy and he started asking me a lot of personal full on questions, including my sexuality. He was like: "Oh you're bisexual! So if we're kissing or having sex you'd be thinking about another woman?" And yet guys don't keep asking their straight girlfriend: "Are you thinking about other guys right now?" So it's basically a phobia that you're scared that someone is bisexual.

[Onion555]

5 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

Well her being bisexual is actually not a moral or value. This is her sexuality and this is who she is. If you have a problem that she's bisexual and was with another woman then you shouldn't be with her. She's not hurting you or anyone by being bisexual. If you don't accept people for their sexuality that's totally your choice. But I don't think you should waste her time if you're not OK with it. She's not just going to become straight so what do you expect to change? If you prefer to date straight women there are way more straight women out there than bisexual. Look for straight women instead.

I'm bisexual and I've experienced bi phobia all my life and I'm really sick of it. It's OK if people prefer to date straight people, it's a personal choice so up to them.

I remember being on a date with a guy and he started asking me a lot of personal full on questions, including my sexuality. He was like: "Oh you're bisexual! So if we're kissing or having sex you'd be thinking about another woman?" And yet guys don't keep asking their straight girlfriend: "Are you thinking about other guys right now?" So it's basically a phobia that you're scared that someone is bisexual.

Well. I'm sorry that happened to you. The issue I'm having is more so the fact that she told me all these stories at different times when I didn't want to know them. I've never shamed or questioned her or made her feel bad for her sexuality whatsoever. I love and respect her. 

 

These are personal feelings that I grapple with. It has never affected her in any way. I'm just trying to figure out how to go about these uncomfortable thoughts and memories. 

[Onion555]

40 minutes ago, Divorced_w_3 said:

You need to take her for who she is. Have you tried reading “The Obstacle is the Way” by Ryan Holliday until you can get a little more specific therapy?

 

Also, boundaries are a nice idea but they’re unenforceable. People have been breaking the rules so to speak for as long as time. I am not saying she necessarily is going behind your back, but it may be beneficial to mention to her that you came off a little harder than you had to about the lesbian experience, and just see what happens. Unless you’re constantly manipulative, which you don’t seem to be the type, she’s likely start opening up and you can see where she is opinionated with this issue today. 
 

I would tell you that if it were me and I her, nobody at early 20’s is telling me where or how I am operating sexually. I enjoy that aspect of my life and for better or worse it hasn’t taken much of a back seat in my priorities. 

I will look Into it, thank you

[Tinydance]

8 minutes ago, Onion555 said:

Well. I'm sorry that happened to you. The issue I'm having is more so the fact that she told me all these stories at different times when I didn't want to know them. I've never shamed or questioned her or made her feel bad for her sexuality whatsoever. I love and respect her. 

 

These are personal feelings that I grapple with. It has never affected her in any way. I'm just trying to figure out how to go about these uncomfortable thoughts and memories. 

Well it sounds like she needs to have a filter and not just share everything she's done sexually. You said she has been respecting your boundaries since you asked her not to? Some people are more sexually adventurous than others and it's OK if you have other values. Like, some people wait for sex before marriage and some do casual sex. It's OK if one of those people has a problem with what the other is doing. As you said it's about values.

The problem is your girlfriend already did those things, they already happened. So unfortunately your only choice is to accept it or just end the relationship. I think you need to consider what is more important to you. To be with this particular girl or instead to find someone straight who shares your personal beliefs? I can't advise you on what to choose as that's up to you.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Tinydance said:

Some people are more sexually adventurous than others and it's OK if you have other values

I wouldn't assume it's adventurous - she simply may have figured it would be cool at the moment and it was.  I know of committed couples who are sexually open with each other and people who are promiscuous and have multiple partners and do so for reasons other than being adventurous. Sometimes it's safer and less adventurous to go from sex partner to sex partner than take on the challenge -at times -to discover more and more about your long term partner.

I'm never comfortable with the assumption that a person who chooses to be sexual outside a two person heterosexual committed relationship is more adventurous than someone who chooses to have one partner their whole lives.

The values I would be concerned about is that she thinks it was a good idea to share this with a person she's supposed to care about, love and respect.

[Batya33]

8 minutes ago, Divorced_w_3 said:

values are different to everyone. Perception changes and only though repeated questioning can you affirm something’s truth. Maybe in a couple years OP doesn’t care about this, I know I certainly have loosened up as I’ve aged. Maybe his girlfriend isn’t wrong for being sexually and physically comfortable. Maybe she’s not deeply experienced but she is proud that she’s got some ability in the sack to please an older women. Who knows right? We assign labels to things. 

I appreciate your perspective and respect it.  I have a very different view of values and compatibility in marriage/long term relationships. We have no idea if she's sexually comfortable or proud that she sexually pleased another woman.  All we know is she chose to have casual sex with a woman, and chose to share the details of that with her boyfriend.  Why? We don't know. Maybe it was impulsive -the sharing, maybe she's uncomfortable with what she did and figured talking about it would help, maybe she figured she'd sample sex with this person like how a person who routinely gets a certain flavor of ice cream tries out a new one.  

I don't think she's wrong for choosing to have casual sex.  I think it was thoughtless of her to share it with her boyfriend.

[Jaunty]

On 12/29/2023 at 2:24 PM, shouldhavelearned said:

You knew who she was when you started dating 

That's okay.  It's also okay to break up when you know something is not working for you.  

[Seraphim]

On 12/29/2023 at 6:43 PM, Onion555 said:

This is a great point and thank you for the feedback. To clear some things up: it has always bothered me. I told her I don't ever want to hear about things like that a few days after she said it because it was bothering me so much. She has been respectful of the boundary. It has bothered me for the duration of the relationship. I just try not to think about it. But a lot of the time it comes as an intrusive thought. My intention for dating has always been marriage. But the more I think about her story the more I get repulsed by the idea. Everything else in the relationship is great, but this is still really bothering me. 

You should never ignore that feeling. Your morals don’t match. 

[Seraphim]

16 minutes ago, Divorced_w_3 said:

He has morals? She was honest with him with who she was prior to their dating. Maybe she is the one with morals and he has the weak character and is going to take the terrible step of rubbing her nose in her vulnerability. 

I am saying their morals don’t watch . He isn’t into screwing friend's mothers and having a raunchy giggle. She is . Hence they don’t match up. 

[Seraphim]

1 minute ago, Divorced_w_3 said:

Where were those morals when he asked her out knowing that information? 
 

if he’s going to dump her, he cannot use this excuse. It’s not her fault nor should she be experience pain due to that he’s weak. 

Sure he can. People can dump anyone without any reason. They aren’t bound by chains . If he doesn’t like it he doesn’t like it and he doesn’t have to. 

[Seraphim]

He can just say it isn’t working out . 

[Seraphim]

5 minutes ago, Divorced_w_3 said:

Oh okay, that should work. You have to come up with a couple more layers than that. 

Not my job to make up the reasons 😉 The thing is the relationship will end because it started on the wrong foot to begin with.