I thought I’d be happy/relieved if she found someone; turns out I’m sad

[Andrina]

You both have walls of fear, even if they are different types of fear, that are too high to scale. But you're the only one really wanting to scale the wall if you were brave enough. She's quite happy on the ground. That's the reason you're so angry and she's not.

You believe it would be cruel to end the friendship. But as I said in a previous post, no mentally healthy woman will date you with the friendship you have with this woman, even if you lessen time with her. Nobody said life was easy. In your shoes, I'd tell her, "It's time for me to get back into dating. Unfortunately, male/female friendships have a different dynamic that won't fly with a love interest, so I'm afraid the friendship we've formed is going to have to end. I've enjoyed the time I did have with you, and I hope you can keep some good memories, as I will."

Even with platonic friendships, when there is regular anger, it's a sign the friendship should end. You've immersed yourself in the situation and only you can extricate yourself, and the longer you wait, the harder it will be.

[Morello]

This has never been a friendship, at least since you developed romantic interests for her. I think you both have been navigating this situation to the best of your abilities and interests, but it just didn't work out. It has become somewhat unhealthy, probably for both of you. You're triggering each other a lot.

I find that instead of trying to overanalyse why this didn't develop into a proper romance, it's better just to accept it didn't, and move on. Some things just don't work out. Getting out of this situation will give you clarity about what it is that you want (and don't want) in your next partner. At the right time (once you leave and digest this, might take some time), you'll see how this whole thing with her will help you figure out what that is.

Take the good things as blessings and the bad things as learnings. You are a better person after having gone through this.

[ShySoul]

On 2/3/2024 at 2:05 PM, NighttimeNightmare said:

And on that note, the irony of this entire thread is that she’d likely want me to communicate this stuff to her

So do it.

It's not your fault for having or not having done certain things in the past. If you weren't ready to do or say something, then you simply were not ready. Everyone goes at a different pace, so you should always do things when it is right for you. 

However, not saying things has lead to pent up anger of your situation that is now being directed at her. And yes, she probably deserves some of it. But in holding back and repressing it, it just builds up until it has boiled over in ways you admit are unhealthy. It's healthier for you to get everything out. It's what you think she would want. And it's the only way you can have any kind of relationship, be it friendship or romantic. As it stands, you are shutting her out because it's too much to keep in. So don't keep it in. If her actions bother you, tell her. Draw a line on what you can take versus what you can't. If she doesn't want the relationship, no picking out a sex book. Make clear just how much it all hurts and bothers you. Sometimes the only way to get resolution on it all is to just have it all out.

As Yoda would say, "Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering." You've both had a lot of fears. It's now lead to anger. Work it out together before the hate and suffering (well, more suffering then you probably are already feeling). And if she still won't change the actions that are hurting you, feel free to walk away knowing you tried your best.

[NighttimeNightmare]

Welp after reading these responses all I can say is that I have NPD. So I’ve found, through my journey of finding healing from my traits, that sometimes I think it’s difficult for onlookers to fully understand what goes on for me, and those like me, internally.  That is, some advice that works on non-disordered people isn’t very relevant to someone with NPD. and without fail people will see my internal rage displayed in text, deep pockets of my mind, and go “oh that’s bad  remove yourself from the situation!” While not fully realizing that those are my responses to anything that requires an iota of vulnerability, or when I don’t get my way, when I lack control  etc etc.  It really has very little to do with the other person  and running away has never helped.  I normally do that, I shut down and ghost.  It’s only allowed my disorder to take further root  

More specifically: when I post on here you are seeing very deep pockets of my disordered thoughts.  There’s rarely any nuance to them, they’re on one extreme end of a spectrum and I lack proper tools to identify or curb them.. then the rage comes out.  So someone mentioned something about if anger is present it’s time to move on from a friendship. Ya, maybe. And moreso that may be true with non disordered people. But again, I’ve got NPD and I have narcissistic rage with ANYONE. It doesn’t mean the friendship is inherently bad or dangerous, it’s simply a byproduct of my mind. It’s something I have to live with, it’s not that the friendship is incompatible, it’s that it’s a disordered perspective. This is why people with NPD are often abusive, regardless of how great their partner is - the response to the rage is to control.  However, I’ve learned to integrate message boards or journaling to deal with it, as opposed to being abusive to the person I feel like unleashing my anger on. 
 

I do find that with this woman, she gives me a platform to explore my triggers. This has been incredibly helpful for me. In the ~year I’ve known her I’ve overcome my need to bolt during conflict. Which is huge, and I’m happy about this.  The comment about oh we are “triggering eachother too much” is irrelevant. Again, hi, I have NPD. The best I can do is to feel my triggers and find healthy responses or behaviors to counteract and overcome them. Which I am doing. 
 

anyway. With all that said it’s still very likely that the “best” option for me may be to end the friendship. But not because it’s “triggering” or that I felt “rage,” just simply because it very likely won’t turn into anything of a commitment. Either because I won’t/can’t say anything, or because she rly doesn’t want something.  And this relationship I’m having with her is something I want with a partner who will commit to me. And of course, I won’t find that spending all of my time with her and getting this deep. And ya all it’s doing at this point is frustrating me. And that isn’t good. But @ShySoul I do think your comment is spot on regarding that portion of things.  I mean, I read your response and I think “yes this makes sense, I need to do this” and it’s logically clear to me, it’s like a map you’ve written out on how I can avoid going into rage cycles in the first place, it’s something I need to learn how to do.  The communication, the boundaries, but again… I just freeze in person. So on that fact alone I do believe that’s another reason for me to end this 

in fact, last time I was at her house and shutdown over something she asked me to communicate with her better or it “leads to unwanted feelings”. (Wasn’t speaking romantically, just feelings of anger and/or confusion).  So ya I know deep down she’d feel a type of way if I never explained any of this to her, esp if I just was like “bye!” I also think she’s the perfect person, right now, for me to be honest with. I’ve been able to tell her anything so far.  I even told her about my npd a which is something I’ve never thought I’d be able to tell anyone I had feelings for. But again, the emotional depth we do have is leaded to my sexual feelings for her. And if that really isn’t something she wants with me then blagh time to move on from this. 

[Batya33]

I'm glad you've decided to end the friendship.  I think the result will be that peaceful easy feeling -from that awesome song I can't remember the name of.

[boltnrun]

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I'm glad you've decided to end the friendship.  I think the result will be that peaceful easy feeling -from that awesome song I can't remember the name of.

Peaceful Easy Feeling by the Eagles!

[Batya33]

10 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Peaceful Easy Feeling by the Eagles!

Gosh should have remembered them -saw them in an outdoor concert in 2010.  Love.  But yes -I hope OP feels that.