Did he just want sex?

[Clarissamango]

Did he just want s*x with me? Having trouble dating

My mum passed and dad isn’t around so would appreciate advice from an older person! 
We( me 26f)  met on tinder. His(28m) profile was blank, mine was full and included that I wanted a relationship. We moved over to another social media site and I asked what he was looking for, he said a relationship.

First date went well, we planned the 2nd towards the end. He asked how my town was like, I said there wasn’t much to do but I like mini golf, he asked if I was willing to come to his hometown as there’s mini golf There. I said yes, he said I can drive to his and park my car, get the bus together into town. We didn’t arrange a time but I assumed it was evening.

We texted everyday, I really liked him, he had all the qualities I liked so far, he said how he was looking forward to seeing me ( I was too).

Plans changed as I forgot I made evening plans with friends and he was only free for 3 hours in morning so suggested a walk and coffee. He was kind of in a rush on the date. I parked my car at his and he drove us to a park, it got dark and he suggested we go back to his. We kissed, he got touchy and I said we aren’t going to have sex and he asked if we can have sex next time. I asked him what he was looking for and he went bright red, said the same thing I want and he can wait. I got up a few mins later and he was staring, I asked him why he was staring he said your bum is really firm and nice. Perhaps he said this because the previous day he asked how my gym session was and I said good but I’m feeling firm ;). 

He asked if he could come to my home town next time and we can walk my dog. I was walking behind him and wearing a long coat. He lifted my coat, squeezed my bum and said such a nice ass. It caught me off guard and I froze.

A few hours later he sent a lovely text saying how he enjoyed my company, have a good evening etc. 
he is a lovely guy and I think he just moved to forward for me. 
I said likewise, enjoy the football match. Perhaps I shouldn’t have said this but I needed them to think. Four days later I told him that- I’ve been thinking and although I enjoyed getting to know you and spending time together, I’m not sure we’re a great match. Im sure you’ll find what you’re looking for. ll the best ! ☺️. He hasn’t replied and is probably hurt. Now looking back, this message seems so vague and I would be hurt if I thought a date went well and they sent me a vague text.

I wanted to say this, but people on Reddit adviced me not to -I’ve been thinking and even though I enjoyed our time together on Saturday, I don’t think we are looking for the same thing. I wish this wasn’t the case because I enjoyed getting to know you!
You’re great so I’m sure you will find what you are looking for ☺️.

I asked advice on another forum and everyone said I was in the wrong that men can want sex and a relationship. I feel so awful and want to explain why I ended things with him. I dated a guy in January who slapped my bum in public on the 3rd date after sex. I called him to explain why things weren’t going to work and he said he appreciated my honesty. This has got me doubting myself and confidence in dating.

[Wiseman2]

8 minutes ago, Clarissamango said:

 -I’ve been thinking and even though I enjoyed our time together on Saturday, I don’t think we are looking for the same thing. I wish this wasn’t the case because I enjoyed getting to know you! You’re great so I’m sure you will find what you are looking for 

Sorry this happened. Trust your instincts, you made the right decision telling him you're not a match.

It's clear he was looking for hookups from the bum remarks to planning dates that end up at his place.

In the future please meet in a public for the first few dates and provide your own transportation. If a guy steers you to his place too soon,step back. 

[Kwothe28]

10 minutes ago, Clarissamango said:

He lifted my coat, squeezed my bum and said such a nice ass.

Such a lovely gentleman lol

Yes ofcourse he was looking for just sex, he was commenting on your bum and even squeezed it. Which is so straight-forward gesture that you really dont need clarification from anyone regarding it. 

Just because they say they want relationship, doesnt mean they do. Because as you can see, its more important how they behave then what they say. Words can be deceiving. Actions rarely can as you see straight forward how they behave and if it matches their word. Good that you didnt went further with this.

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Such a lovely gentleman lol

Yes ofcourse he was looking for just sex, he was commenting on your bum and even squeezed it. Which is so straight-forward gesture that you really dont need clarification from anyone regarding it. 

Just because they say they want relationship, doesnt mean they do. Because as you can see, its more important how they behave then what they say. Words can be deceiving. Actions rarely can as you see straight forward how they behave and if it matches their word. Good that you didnt went further with this.

Most people who behave this way on an early date with those sorts of comments aren’t looking for a potentially serious relationship with you. 
A person can have sex as soon as they meet another person and also want a potentially serious relationship. Two single consenting adults can meet and choose to have sex right away and then choose to get to know each other more and see serious potential. It’s more rare. But this person was pushy and made rude comments to you about your body and also advertised on a known hook up site with a blank profile. Red flags. IMO 

[Clarissamango]

Thanks for the advice. It did seem odd to me that he was too forward early on but I second guessed myself when people on reddit said that’s how dating is like.

[Coily]

All you needed was him asking for sex on the next date. To know what he was interested in.

Now some guys do want sex and a relationship, but they don’t ask or beg. It happens naturally when you both are into where things are going.

Dont look back on this one.

[smackie9]

You stick to your guns. If it doesn't feel right, then most likely it's not. Never second guess yourself. This dude didn't have his feelings hurt, he was disappointed he didn't get any. Men think differently so it's hard to put yourself in their shoes thinking with your own feelings. 

[Clarissamango]

This!! I was thinking he didn’t reply because he’s upset but I’m sure it’s because he didn’t get sex. Thanks for the advice, I really shouldn’t 2nd guess myself 

[Jaunty]

Please trust yourself.  In this situation, there is no question.  The guy is a cad.

Stop paying any attention at all to a man from Tinder or other dating apps (especially free ones) saying they are "looking for a relationship."

Sure, plenty of them might be honestly looking for that.   But guys who are looking for sex are likely to say that too because they are just trying to get what they want.  Saying they're "looking for a relationship" helps them reach their goal.

More importantly:  A guy who is really looking for a relationship might be down for some fun sex with an attractive woman while he's in the midst of looking.   So just because you both are looking does not mean that you are the right match for each other.  And it DEFINITELY doesn't mean that the guy may not see sex as a reasonable idea.

You need to have your own standards of behavior for yourself in order when you're dating.  This way you won't be so susceptible to doing something you might not really be ready for just because you're busy trying to get into a relationship.

[Clarissamango]

Wow thank you for the advice. Taking a screenshot of this to remind myself!

[Sindy_0311]

2 hours ago, Clarissamango said:

wanted to say this, but people on Reddit adviced me not to

Hi I agree with others here, he only wanted sex. pretty obvious. But I'm wondering why you wanted to send him another text to clarify... As you told him, you are not a match. That is enough of an explanation, there is nothing more required at this stage. 

I have a little intuition. Did you actually sent him the first text in hope that he would reply something like: "no please, you are exactly what I'm looking for etc... " why sending him another text? because he didn't react to it or because you wanted something more out of it? 

And I don't think he was hurt. He didn't like you enough to wait for sex, so I guess he just doesn't care, he goes next.. 

I hope you will find someone showing you more respect!

[lostandhurt]

1 hour ago, Clarissamango said:

Thanks for the advice. It did seem odd to me that he was too forward early on but I second guessed myself when people on reddit said that’s how dating is like.

This may be how dating is for them but that does not mean it is the way dating is for you.  You do not have to follow the crowd or do what others on some forum say is normal, you do you and what feels right and in this case you were 100% correct.

 Let me be perfectly clear here as I am a guy and know how men think. Men want sex and they are thinking about it when they are with you, looking at your pictures and yes walking behind you looking at your cute butt.  The difference is when a man wants a relationship and is really into you he will not risk screwing it up by being so forward and touching you like this guy did. He was trying to steer you into bed and testing how long it was going to take.  Just because a man wants you physically does not mean that is all he wants so you have to pay close attention to their actions and less to their words.  You saved yourself a hump and dump situation.

 You learned a lot from this if you think about it.  If a guy wants a serious relationship wouldn't he put some effort into his profile like you did?  Would he set up meets or dates where you feel comfortable and safe or set them up close to his place?  Would he say one thing but do another?

 You have nothing to feel bad about, stick to your principals and what feels right to you.

 Lost

[Batya33]

OP I dated many many men before marriage at 42. For the most part I was treated with respect and like a lady. Even if somehow men crave sex more than women it’s irrelevant. People desire all sorts of things. And people who are thoughtful choose to react in thoughtful ways. You told him you weren’t interested in casual sex and he reacted like a jerk. 

[Sindy_0311]

37 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

he reacted like a jerk. 

Who reacted like a Jerk? She said she didn’t want to pursue because they are not a match. And he didn’t reply, pretty commun… 

[Sindy_0311]

6 hours ago, Clarissamango said:

and I asked what he was looking for, he said a relationship.

Did he mention a serious relationship or just a relationship. Because from my experience, ***boys often use this term without specifying what kind of relationship exactly. Could be a casual, or FWB relationship as well. 

[shouldhavelearned]

Sucks he did that because it ruins it for the nice ones out there 

[Batya33]

7 hours ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Did he mention a serious relationship or just a relationship. Because from my experience, ***boys often use this term without specifying what kind of relationship exactly. Could be a casual, or FWB relationship as well. 

She let him know she was looking for one. 

[Sindy_0311]

10 hours ago, Batya33 said:

She let him know she was looking for one. 

I don't understand your point here. ***boys don't care if a woman says she wants something serious, They try get sex anyways. They don't wait for the ***girl to come around lol

[Batya33]

29 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

I don't understand your point here. ***boys don't care if a woman says she wants something serious, They try get sex anyways. They don't wait for the ***girl to come around lol

Not in my 24 years of experience dating many men and being in serious relationships. Maybe you were agreeing with what I wrote Sindy 

[Cookie24]

Sorry this happened to you and I'm sorry it has affected you negatively. 

If this happened to me, I would run! This guy has very poor self control skills and he clearly stepped the line as it made you feel uncomfortable. This man and his alikes don't even deserve closure. 

You're fine, don't let these losers question your self worth. 

[Sindy_0311]

24 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Not in my 24 years of experience dating many men and being in serious relationships. Maybe you were agreeing with what I wrote Sindy 

You said she mentioned wanting something serious. I'm not sure whether OP told him she wanted a serious relationship or just a relationship. @Clarissamango can you clarify? Because it does make a difference. It's always better to be clear from the beginning to try avoid confusion and disrespectful behavior. 

My point is that guys who are pursuing casual relationships don't necessarily date woman looking for the same.  I even know of men pretending they are looking for serious on dating apps to attract more quality women in their beds. She saying that she's looking for something serious isn't even a guarantee to meet good guys. What she should do instead is showing her boundaries sooner by her action. She shouldn't have gone to his place on a second date, she better go on dates in public places. This is something I learnt from you, Batya, and wiseman.

24 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Not in my 24 years of experience dating many men and being in serious relationships.

You know how to spot those guys because of your experience. According to OP's guy, you wouldn't even have engaged a discussion with the guy because of his poor profile. right? 

[Clarissamango]

You’re right! I shouldn’t have gone back to his place. My actions need to be clearer. I did mention I was looking for a serious relationship.

thanks for the advice ! 

[Kwothe28]

2 hours ago, Clarissamango said:

My actions need to be clearer. I did mention I was looking for a serious relationship.

Lots of people dont realize this but you mentioning that you are looking for a serious commitment, wont stop creeps like your date to still pursue sex. Especially when you allow them to squeeze your bum. Please be more careful in future and dont be afraid to cut off people like this when they show their true colors.

[Clarissamango]

I didn’t  allow him to squeeze my bum. I was too in shock to say anything. Thanks for the other advice 

[Batya33]

11 minutes ago, Clarissamango said:

I didn’t  allow him to squeeze my bum. I was too in shock to say anything. Thanks for the other advice 

When that’s happened to me I do my best to get past the shock and leave - no drama needed - ASAP