Irritated all of the time

[pupaloo]

I have not been on this site for a very, very long time.  Hello to everyone!

I have been married for over 40 years.  My husband is good to me and I love him. He has provided a very nice life for me.....however.......and here comes the selfish sounding part....he is very, very overweight and has health problems that are hindering our retirement years.. I am not a physically fit person by any means but I do exercise and watch what I eat.  He will go places with me, like the beach and stuff but all he will do is sit in the condo and watch tv or sit in a lounge chair outside. The only time he likes to really go anywhere is when we go out to eat. He is not trying at all to help get his health better. It is a topic that has been discussed over and over again with me and his doctors..  He is on meds for depression & anxiety attacks,  and is being treated for COPD and heart problems.   I am finding myself angry and irritated all of the time because he just doesn't seem to care anymore. 

 

[reinventmyself]

That must be a challenging situation. 40 years, for better for worse. He has to want it to make a difference.
If you were both younger my advice may be different, but given the circumstances, if it were me, I'd be busy cultivating my friendships so I would have activity and travel partners.

You say your marriage is otherwise good and you love him.  You can still see that your needs are met with friends while remaining in an otherwise good marriage.  It may surprise you, that he takes notice and starts making some changes in order to keep up. 

[pupaloo]

I do travel with my friends, and I go out to events and dinners and shopping with them. I have the best friends in the world and I am very grateful for them. My husband will make comments sometimes about me going so many places with them and I ignore the comments and go anyway. I kinda feel like he would be happy if I was just like him..

[shouldhavelearned]

He won't go for walks to get started?

Encumbeent bike maybe

 

Start slow and see if he can get some motivation

 

Don't buy the junk food. Make some changes 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, pupaloo said:

. My husband will make comments sometimes about me going so many places with them and I ignore the comments and go anyway. I kinda feel like he would be happy if I was just like him..

Sorry this is happening. That's about all you can do given his serious physical and mental health problems. Please take the focus off fixing or changing him and arguing about it.

It's frustrating you're married to someone who's ill and sedentary, but you're doing the right thing living your life and going out with friends.

Don't feel guilty. If he wants to be a shut-in because of his illness that's sad, but you don't have to be. 

[catfeeder]

4 hours ago, pupaloo said:

I do travel with my friends, and I go out to events and dinners and shopping with them. I have the best friends in the world and I am very grateful for them. My husband will make comments sometimes about me going so many places with them and I ignore the comments and go anyway. I kinda feel like he would be happy if I was just like him..

So glad to hear you’re not isolated. My Aunt went through this with her husband. She explained to him how much she loves him and wants him to participate in his own care FOR HER SAKE, because she doesn’t want to lose him.

She bribed him. She would cook his dinner along with hers if he would join her at the table to eat it and then for a walk around the neighborhood for 10 minutes afterwards. Otherwise, he’s on his own for the meal, and she would be going out without him, instead.

She was able to expand their walks over time to 20 minutes, and she always allowed him to set the pace and rest as needed so he wouldn’t get discouraged.

She reached for other ways to bribe him with doing his laundry in exchange for something, or taking him out to eat, or sexual favors, or a back rub. Point is, she always made her requests in a spirit of loving him and a willingness to support him rather than sounding naggy or punitive. 

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, pupaloo said:

.  He is on meds for depression & anxiety attacks,  and is being treated for COPD and heart problems.   I am finding myself angry and irritated all of the time because he just doesn't seem to care anymore. 

Sorry this is happening . How far can he walk without getting short of breath? Its frustrating to watch his health deteriorate in your golden years, but please don't take it personally.

He can't will away COPD or heart disease. His apathy and lethargy are most likely related to his physical and mental health problems. Please join some support groups for families of people with chronic issues like his. 

Please also try to reframe this as disability rather than willful disregard of your feelings. 

[pupaloo]

17 hours ago, shouldhavelearned said:

He won't go for walks to get started?

Encumbeent bike maybe

 

Start slow and see if he can get some motivation

 

Don't buy the junk food. Make some changes 

He does walk around our property but not all of the time. I am all for changes, but it has to be for the long term. He will try to eat better for awhile then falls back into what I think is his habit, eating bad and no exercise. 

[pupaloo]

15 hours ago, catfeeder said:

So glad to hear you’re not isolated. My Aunt went through this with her husband. She explained to him how much she loves him and wants him to participate in his own care FOR HER SAKE, because she doesn’t want to lose him.

She bribed him. She would cook his dinner along with hers if he would join her at the table to eat it and then for a walk around the neighborhood for 10 minutes afterwards. Otherwise, he’s on his own for the meal, and she would be going out without him, instead.

She was able to expand their walks over time to 20 minutes, and she always allowed him to set the pace and rest as needed so he wouldn’t get discouraged.

She reached for other ways to bribe him with doing his laundry in exchange for something, or taking him out to eat, or sexual favors, or a back rub. Point is, she always made her requests in a spirit of loving him and a willingness to support him rather than sounding naggy or punitive. 

I am not saying that what I or your Aunt went thru or are going thru is common in marriages but, I see it a lot. I ask my husband a few times a week if he wants to walk and he says no. I try again another day. Somedays I try hard to not be a nag and then somedays I just can't keep my mouth closed.. I guess because after hearing doctors tell him the same thing over and over about his health....I sometimes feel that it is just something I cannot help try to remedy if he doesn't want too. 

[boltnrun]

7 minutes ago, pupaloo said:

He does walk around our property but not all of the time. I am all for changes, but it has to be for the long term. He will try to eat better for awhile then falls back into what I think is his habit, eating bad and no exercise. 

Does he go to the store and buy "bad" food for himself?

[pupaloo]

Without sounding selfish, after being married for all of these years, and seeing the cycle that he has conditioned himself to live in....eating poor no exercise, then trying to eat better and a tiny bit of exercise then after a week or so he falls back into the old habit....habits are easier to live by then break....

[pupaloo]

8 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Does he go to the store and buy "bad" food for himself?

Yes, but I will admit that I have bought junk food for him too. Sometimes I feel that if he doesn't care why should I so I get him some... Feeding the problem......I know it is wrong. It feels like parenting sometimes.. Giving in to make a situation tolerable for a while, and I know that is wrong too.... After being married all of these years, I go day by day.. Some may say that it makes me part of the "problem"...

[Wiseman2]

20 hours ago, pupaloo said:

. It is a topic that has been discussed over and over again with me and his doctors..  He is on meds for depression & anxiety attacks,  and is being treated for COPD and heart problems

Please see if the local hospital where his doctors are affiliated have pulmonary or cardiac rehab services. Most do. Maybe he'll do better with a more professional caring team approach to his disabilities. 

Try not to get angry. It's frustrating he seems checked out but being in his face doesn't seem to be helping.  

[pupaloo]

14 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening . How far can he walk without getting short of breath? Its frustrating to watch his health deteriorate in your golden years, but please don't take it personally.

He can't will away COPD or heart disease. His apathy and lethargy are most likely related to his physical and mental health problems. Please join some support groups for families of people with chronic issues like his. 

Please also try to reframe this as disability rather than willful disregard of your feelings. 

I am not taking it personally...I appreciate what you say... Thank you

[pupaloo]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Please see if the local hospital where his doctors are affiliated have pulmonary or cardiac rehab services. Most do. Maybe he'll do better with a more professional caring team approach to his disabilities. 

Try not to get angry. It's frustrating he seems checked out but being in his face doesn't seem to be helping.  

He is good about going to his doctor visits and checkups. He sees a cardiologist every 6 months and the pulmonary visits yearly. He is good about taking "all of his meds" daily. It's just the hard work of exercise and better eating that goes along with better health that he doesn't do.....Can't help one if you don't help the other...

[Batya33]

I like Catfeeder suggestions. Also I’d double down on improving your physical fitness and diet - because food is mood. You’ll feel less irritated and work out the frustration with intense cardio. I am 57 married 15 years with a teenage son. I’ve been working out regularly since 1982 and daily for the last 12 years.  I skip one religious holiday per year - one day and if I’m very sick or doctor orders. The most is maybe 2 extra days a year.

I’m on a 9 day trip with the family staying at different hotels and I find the fitness center or a way to power walk at sunrise. I don’t mean this to brag. At all. I mean - working on me and maintaining a healthy weight and eating reasonably healthy makes me feel less type A and more centered and helps me sleep better at night.

Which means more patience for my son and husband. He’s reasonably healthy but I eat better and he’s out on some weight the last couple years. I do not wait for him to do my fitness routine.

I do not eat what he eats if it’s not my jam or not good for me digestively or otherwise. I do my own thing. And I feel good despite wrinkles and age spots and yes I feel irritated at times with my teenager and especially on a long trip lol but that workout really helps.

 

Also i walk to almost all errands and in general avoid being sedentary. You do you. At least that will be a positive outcome. My mom is turning 89 soon and walks every day eats healthy and is thin. No need to be thin. But a healthy weight whatever that means to you - and your physician - and being fit - wil help overall. And Catfeeders suggestions too !

[boltnrun]

33 minutes ago, pupaloo said:

Sometimes I feel that if he doesn't care why should I so I get him some... Feeding the problem

But you DO care. So you can choose to enable his bad habits or you can choose not to. That's not "parenting", it's a conscious choice. 

[catfeeder]

7 hours ago, pupaloo said:

I am not saying that what I or your Aunt went thru or are going thru is common in marriages but, I see it a lot. I ask my husband a few times a week if he wants to walk and he says no. I try again another day. Somedays I try hard to not be a nag and then somedays I just can't keep my mouth closed.. I guess because after hearing doctors tell him the same thing over and over about his health....I sometimes feel that it is just something I cannot help try to remedy if he doesn't want too. 

Bribery is the fine art of negotiating what you want in exchange for something HE wants.

It’s not the same as just asking him to do something, it’s sweetening the pot. So don’t dismiss the idea of offering specific things that are of value to him in exchange for behaviors that are of value to you. And , the opposite is true—I will withhold specific things that I do for you, which you take for granted, unless you are willing to exchange important behaviors that are important to me—for your sake, AND mine.

You must back this up with consequences that teach him what it’s like to fix his own meals or do his own laundry while you’re out with your friends because he didn’t care enough about what matters to you.

Also helps if he is continually reminded that YOU want this because he means the world to you and you don’t want to lose him. Those words have power.

Lots of people need an incentive beyond themselves and their own resistance in order to be motivated enough for a change. For instance, I continually asked my elderly parents to do something for their health, and they kinda agreed but never did it. One day I asked, “Would you please do it FOR ME?” And they both did it and have been keeping it up because I made it clear how important it is TO ME.

Best wishes to you and your husband.

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, pupaloo said:

He is good about going to his doctor visits and checkups. He sees a cardiologist every 6 months and the pulmonary visits yearly. He is good about taking "all of his meds" daily. It's just the hard work of exercise and better eating that goes along with better health that he doesn't do.....Can't help one if you don't help the other...

It's good he's compliant with his medication and medical follow up. He seems motivated in that regard. Unfortunately it seems trying to motivate him to exercise and eat better is creating more problems than it's solving. Namely resentment. On both sides. If you back off completely he may feel less pestered and actually motivated.

It's understandable you're upset he's too lethargic and disabled to be the type of husband you hoped to enjoy your retirement with.  Please seek out support groups both for him and yourself.

It's interesting he listens to his doctors but not you.That could be your biggest insight into your dynamic. His doctors don't nag or use inducements to get him to comply. He does it voluntarily. 

[pupaloo]

Thank you all for your words. I sometimes feel like it will take something very severe for him to make A change, not completely change because I know he would not do that.

I have told him I am all about baby steps. I will be and have been his biggest cheerleader.. I have told him this...I know any progress is good progress....but consistency is what will make the difference. 

 

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, pupaloo said:

Thank you all for your words. I sometimes feel like it will take something very severe for him to make A change, not completely change because I know he would not do that.

I have told him I am all about baby steps. I will be and have been his biggest cheerleader.. I have told him this...I know any progress is good progress....but consistency is what will make the difference. 

 

Not just telling. Show him by taking better care of yourself. My husband stopped doing his brisk walks for awhile. Then he saw how I am disciplined- I didn’t tell him I just do my routine. On his own he decided to resume his “power walks”. And sometimes he’d ask me - do you think I should skip today because (I’m still getting over a cold /my back hurts/it’s raining so hard). I always tell him - you know what it takes for me to skip a day AND I’m not you - so I don’t want to tell you what to do. 
He told me about 15 years ago he never wants to hear suggestions couched as more than suggestions about exercise etc - not in those words but he said his mother used to do that lol. So I never do. 
Just telling husband baby steps - don’t waste your breath. That’s really helpful to tell - yourself - to give pep talks - to yourself. I do that a lot when it’s more of a challenge to work out.  But I won’t “coach “ friends or loved ones. It’s not going to work and more than likely the loved one will hear it in a way not intended.  
I get that you think he wishes you were sedentary and ate all the bad food like him. But I bet id he sees you making better choices and looking and seeming even more fit and energetic it might inspire him.