Should I go for it or it's too late?

[rainbowsandroses]

11 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Not what I said. What I said is any push-pull activity resulted in me losing interest and walking away. I also can't imagine why, in a marriage, there should be ANY "push-pull". Why would anyone do that in a marriage?

As for anxiety and uncertainty, definitely happened in bad relationships. Which I have had. I don't consider a relationship that resulted in a breakup to be "successful". My marriage obviously ended but we were together for 16 years, so I suppose that could be categorized as "successful". 

Well I deleted that post but you responded so okay.  But again Bolt, I am not talking about intentional game playing or any other strategies or manipulations. I am referring to what many people (not all) experience as they go through the process of connecting with another human being, that's all.

It doesn't last forever, I posted that.  I am referring to the early stages when two people are getting to know each other and attempting to connect.  There is a certain vulnerability that is uncomfortable for some people (not all), hence there can be a bit of back and forth (push/pull) while they go through this process and work through their emotions.

26 minutes ago, Sam1986 said:

Not sure if you're insinuating that I or boltnrun are catastrophizing, it's just that I have no patience for that sort of play.

Again, not talking about game playing and no I was not insinuating anything about you or @boltnrun.

In any event, I have explained my opinion about this as best I can, you disagree based on your own experiences and perhaps other things as well and I respect that.

 

 

 

[Kwothe28]

2 hours ago, YouAreNotAlone said:

And now, I asked her to go with me and see a movie. She wasn't interested as it's kind of movies she doesn't like at all (honestly I think I alone wouldn't watch it, as it's specific genre) so I guess it's kinda rejection.

Oof. I believe that she wouldnt mind if she likes you. For example, heard new Godzilla rocks. But its not really something for a date. Then again when my uncle met my aunt he took her for "Jaws" so eh, again, it shouldnt have been an issue if she likes you. 🤷‍♀️

So yes, unfortunately, maybe you should abandon whole thing. Not because of manipulation but because of finding and meeting other people. 

[Capricorn3]

2 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

What I DO know is that when a woman is attracted and interested, she will jump at the chance to go out with a man  when he asks.   Doesn't matter what he suggested, he asked, she's going!

If the movie you chose isn't to her liking, she would suggest another one OR suggest another plan altogether.  

NOT just blow you off the way she did.  Not gonna happen when a woman is highly interested.

^ Um, no. Not always.  I am a woman and I know it didn't work that way for me. I actually missed out on so many chances, so many dates with interested men simply because I was so excruciatingly shy that I turned down offers for years and years (including my husband who chased me for almost two years). ....and yes, I WAS very attracted and interested in them.   I know plenty of women who didn't "jump at the chance to go out with a man when he asked", lots of different reasons. 

[Tinydance]

Well I think you tried and that's awesome because you put yourself out there. I would say she's not really interested in you romantically or at least her interest is low. If she was into you I think she would suggest another movie or something else to do. Saying she just doesn't like that movie sounds like just an excuse.

[Capricorn3]

2 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Well, I'm a woman and no man has ever gotten my interest by pulling back and acting aloof. That always makes me LESS interested.  My husband did that while we were still "just friends" and I stopped talking to and hanging out with him. When he finally came by to ask why I told him he had made it clear he was too busy for me and I wasn't going to chase. He apologized and said he was wrong. It took quite a while before I allowed him to get close again. 

Other guys have tried the "unavailable" thing with me and every time it's "see ya, buddy!"

But that's just me. I can't speak for all women. 

However I do agree that continuing to try to be "friends" is futile, unless you want to watch her date other guys. 

^ I second this entire post. 

[rainbowsandroses]

3 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Well, I'm a woman and no man has ever gotten my interest by pulling back and acting aloof. That always makes me LESS interested. 

I just saw this, apologies.  And yes I agree, when men intentionally played that card of "pulling back," or "acting aloof," I became LESS interested as well.  I can't stand any type of game playing but once again that is not what I was/am referring to.

Again, there is a certain vulnerability that some people experience that cause them discomfort/anxiety so there may be a bit of pulling back while they work through their emotions.   

I understand this as I have experienced it myself and so have my boyfriends/ex-husband during early stages.  So when I was/am truly into a man, if/when he took a few steps back to regroup and work through the process of moving closer to me emotionally, it never caused me to lose interest. 

I allowed him his space and took space myself.  He always returned, we would move to the next stage (typically exclusivity) and go on to have a long term relationship.  

This is not a gender issue either as I have needed to pull back myself when feeling particularly vulnerable. If you never did @bolt, I respect that, we are all different and process feelings and emotions differently.

This is not game playing or manipulation, it's human nature as far as I am concerned and many couples experience this, it's not uncommon. 

Not all obviously.

This isn't some sort of universal truth that ALL couples experience this but it is quite common from my experiences and observations.

Anyway, hope this clarifies because it's quite unsettling to have my postings misunderstood and have it be suggested that I am into game playing and manipulation which I am definitely NOT.

 

[Capricorn3]

11 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

So when I was/am truly into a man, if/when he took a few steps back to regroup and work through the process of moving emotionally closer to me, it never caused me to lose interest

I allowed him his space and took space myself.  He always returned, we would move to the next stage (typically exclusivity) and go on to have a long term relationship. 

I'm so confused, but to me this sounds more like an "on again, off again" scenario 🤔.  But, I guess what is clear and what we can all learn from this thread, is that not everything works the same for everybody.  Not all women think the same. Not all men think the same.

OP, I wish you well.

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, Capricorn3 said:

I'm so confused, but to me this sounds more like an "on again, off again" scenario 🤔.  But, I guess what is clear and what we can all learn from this thread, is that not everything works the same for everybody.  Not all women think the same. Not all men think the same.

OP, I wish you well.

Sounds that way Capricorn but it wasn't.  At most it was a couple of days. 

And yes I did feel anxious during that time and it wasn't pleasant nor did it increase my attraction (I was already highly attracted) in that context.

But I had faith and trust in our connection and allowed him his space with no hassle and took space myself.

In one instance with one of my ex's he "pulled back" for a couple of days after we had spent a long intimate weekend together.  I left him alone, and on the third day he contacted me, told me he was in love with me and wanted to be exclusive!

We dated for six years after that.

I agree with your last post by the way and find it fascinating how different we all truly are.

To each his own as they say.

OP, please keep up posted on any new developments!

 

 

[MrMan1983]

On 12/13/2023 at 1:39 PM, rainbowsandroses said:

I know many women who say they would rather a man be direct about his feelings and intentions, they need that security.

But when men are that direct, those same women end up feeling "meh" about him and nexting him! 

So true.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, MrMan1983 said:

So true.

Yes if direct comes across as TMI for the stage  of getting to know each other 

[YouAreNotAlone]

This girl is either one of the friendliest girls I have ever met, playing with me (or using me) or interested but not ready to try at this moment.

FYI, I've been trying this last week to get my head straight and stop overanalyzing things about her and try to focus on others. Most of the time I managed, but old overthinker strikes from time to time haha

So, why did I begin this post with that sentence? Well, in this last week after I asked her for that movie, she continued being very warm towards me. Showing genuine interest in stuff I do, asking me if I need help with some stuff, calling me, texting, replying to my texts even in the middle of the night after I replied to her story at 1AM (at 5AM after she came back home from birthday party), so, usual stuff she did but even more intense now. 

Couple of days ago, after classes, she was going with friends for a coffee and I assumed I was not invited as no one told me, so I just walked away. Minutes later she calls me and tells me: "Where are you going?! Won't you go with us???" So I did. After that, I was supposed to drive a friend home (who is a girl) and she kinda invited herself to go with us. She wanted me to go with her to perfume shop and help her decide which perfume is good for her.

I don't think I can or should do anything much at this moment. She is aware of my intentions with her, I guess, and it's up to her. She's been telling how she enjoys her life atm with going out with her besties and she's giving vibe that she doesn't want a relationship now. Only time will tell...

BTW, thank you everyone for replies! It really does help me to see different points of view and I'm so happy that this thread went in a very analytic road. 

[Wiseman2]

It seems like she is doing ALL the initiating and you're sort of passively riding along in the friendzone. That's ok, you seem to enjoy her company and friendship circle. 

[Sam1986]

15 minutes ago, YouAreNotAlone said:

Couple of days ago, after classes, she was going with friends for a coffee and I assumed I was not invited as no one told me, so I just walked away. Minutes later she calls me and tells me: "Where are you going?! Won't you go with us???"

Doesn't mean anything, so stop overthinking it as you say.

[YouAreNotAlone]

 

36 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It seems like she is doing ALL the initiating and you're sort of passively riding along in the friendzone. That's ok, you seem to enjoy her company and friendship circle. 

Hmm, well then it's time to be even more active and ride away from friendzone? I don't think I'm in friendzone yet as she has "friendzone guy friends" and their dynamic is totally different. But I agree that I am on a way to it if I don't change something. Time to figure out what hahaha.

[Wiseman2]

56 minutes ago, YouAreNotAlone said:

. She is aware of my intentions with her, I guess, and it's up to her. 

Is she aware of your intentions? You're already leaving everything up to her.  

[YouAreNotAlone]

Well if telling her how beautiful she is, funny etc, with teasing her a lot, helping her out with many things and inviting her to go to movies isn't enough for her to understand, I'm only left with one thing to do and it's to just tell her.

[Morello]

We can never be totally sure (especially just by reading your accounts), but I'm confident that this is an irreversible friendzone situation. One that will only hurt you more and more over time if you don't decide to back off.

I was in the exact situation before at uni (more than a decade ago; the hindsight...). Yes, it's very possible that a woman is showing all these signs of affection (and even a bit of jealousy) without having any intent of dating you, even if casually. This is likely to be a tough lesson you'll only learn yourself.

She sounds a bit manipulative, and she'll hurt you badly, my friend. I think you already know she's not interested in dating, so there's absolutely no gain from you in staying around her. The best way to deal with this is to be upfront and say that you're interested in her romantically, and given she's not on the same page, the best is to part ways amicably while you still respect each other. I mean, you can always ask her again on a date before that (be sure to use the word date, and be a bit more direct than just going to see a movie, which friends also typically do) if you need 100% confirmation. Not sure it's needed, but each to their own.

If you just stay around and let her lead this, it will do a number on your mental health and self-esteem to date in the future, and it will take longer to recover.