Still thinking of ex (first love) after 12 years

[Nayeem]

I’ve posted on here many many times re: first love/ex boyfriend and I still can’t seem to shift my thoughts.

We were together from 14-21 on and off (but mostly on)—he was great until about 18 and then I was second priority to him, he did some pretty awful things and we would fight constantly with me wanting more from him-me always asking to be considered first in his life and him wanting to spend time with other people (including girls) over me. 

I’ve since married and had two kids but since settling down I can not shift this feeling of time running out and I’ve made the wrong decision (I had none of these doubts on my wedding day) this constant ruminating thought that my ex was meant for me. We ran into each other about 2 years ago now and I’m 100% positive the spark was still there. he’s since married and I feel like even seeing his wedding photos-there’s no spark in his eyes in them. I ended things and then he didn’t want me back and then he did and I’d already met my now husband. It’s just this cycle of day dreaming about him constantly, what our life could have/should have been. I even hate to admit that I look at my kids and think what kids with him would have been like….it’s awful.

I just feel like he and I would definitely be together if we both weren’t married. I daydream about all our times together and even revisit places we had been together just to get a bit of the feeling back. I just often think we have had our time apart, matured and what would life be like together now-it always brings me to tears and I just feel so sad about it all and the way it turned out.

I feel it in my gut he was my one and I’m scared I’ll forever be thinking about it until I die.

help…

[Nayeem]

These thoughts I might add can come and go like that-one minute I’ll be thinking my life great I’m happy and then the next something triggers this cascade of thinking about him and idealising scenarios in my head and it’s like a spiral and then the next day-back to normal. But it happens everyday.

[Batya33]

I think the real issue you are not happy in your marriage and because of that you are entertaining your thoughts of this long past man -even grasping at straws as to whether he was smiling in his wedding photo (I mean -really?? that's a sign to you -please).  Just because you felt a spark with your ex when you ran into him has no real relevance to whether you'd be good together as a married couple. You do know that you were not good together back then -you broke up.  

I married my ex fiancee years later.  I know it can happen -but neither of us was married at the time -we were single.  

Here's your option -ask yourself if you're willing to leave your husband,  get divorced, be single for a year, upend the lives of your kids - and then chase this man, hope he will get divorced and want to be with you after all these years.  Does that sound like an option -a realistic option? This is why it's safe for you to dream and fantasize.

What kind of life do you have for yourself? What do you and your husband do for fun? Have you gone to counseling? Certainly if you don't want to be with your husband leave him but not because you think that some long ago ex is your future spouse.

[Wiseman2]

On 3/19/2022 at 6:34 AM, Nayeem said:

 We were together from 2004-2012 and the last 3 years were pretty awful. I ended up breaking it off after several incidences involving non consenting s*x, name calling, being left out of things, anger issues.

It seems like you are idealizing the past despite realizing this BF was abusive. You seem unhappy with your life as a wife and mother. Why is that? 

Rewriting this Disney romance from an abusive relationship isn't going to help you feel less unhappy about your current situation.

How is your marriage? How old are the children? Do you work? Do you have friends and family nearby? Do you have interests and hobbies? Please try to address whatever is going on now and try to improve your marriage and life. 

[MissCanuck]

2 hours ago, Nayeem said:

I feel like even seeing his wedding photos-there’s no spark in his eyes in them

This is major projection on your part. You're seeing what you want to see because your heart wants it to be true - but that doesn't mean it is true. You can't tell anything about his feelings for his wife from wedding photos, so stop entertaining the notion that there's no spark for her.. You're grasping at straws there. 

This doesn't have much to do with him, anyway. It's more about you and how unhappy you evidently are in your marriage. It's not normal to be in tears over the what-ifs more than 12 years later, but it speaks to your current dissatisfaction with your life. Focus instead on that rather than a fantasy that likely would not have turned out the way you think. 

[catfeeder]

What kind of professional help have you pursued or are you willing to pursue now?

People have no problem hiring a plumber, an attorney, a mechanic for specific areas of expertise, and yet this issue is impacting the entire quality of your life, and likely the lives of your family. So why not hire an expert who has been trained in this stuff?

[Capricorn3]

OP, will all due respect, you have had extremely good and constructive advice in your other two threads on the exact same topics.  Please refer to those threads.  It seems you keep asking about the same thing, but you never do anything about it.  This is the third thread on the same topic, which is against ENA rules.

Thread closed.