Holding a grudge over the way my boyfriend treated me 2y ago (despite apology)

[adamts13]

Hello! I am a 24 year old man in a relationship with a 25 year old man. We’ve been together for 2 years, and now live together. My issue is that, at the start of the relationship, he did things that I’m still not over. He boasted about talking with his exes, he would talk to me about his exes and past sexual relationships nonstop, he would say things like “I’m so glad I had sex with other people before meeting you, so I can have the experience,” knowing full well that he is and was my first partner in every way. Then on our first Valentine’s Day about 6 months into the relationship, we were having sex and he was struggling. He said “Sex with [ex] was so much easier.” I just told him never to do that again. A month later, he asked me to visit him at work. I said “I’m anxious to because I don’t want you getting in trouble.” He said, “Well guess what? [Ex] used to visit me all the time so maybe he cared more haha” as a joking way to get me to visit him.

He has since changed. He no longer compares me or makes me feel inadequate. He has apologized profusely, and told me those things were reflections of his low self esteem and not of me. But I still hold it against him. I have a therapist, and I’m working on this, but I still find myself not being able to get over it. Every time we have sex I think about the comparison. I always compare myself to his exes now, which I didn’t do at first but his comments made me feel that I needed to.

any advice?

[Andrina]

The human brain isn't fully formed in the decision making area, the pre-frontal cortex, until around age 25. So chalk it up to his poor decision making skills, and also as he says, his issues at the time.

The important thing is that he has improved because he cares, and he chose you as a long-term partner and now, I'm assuming is an ideal partner to you.

What I learned in the past in marriage counseling is that once an argument is settled, you never again bring it up as a weapon in future arguments. Perhaps you're not doing this verbally, but you're doing it mentally. 

You have control over your mind, so you will have to learn to let the past go and relish the present. We're all humans and we make mistakes, but what's important is that we learn from them. You have your own self-esteem issues since you're letting his dumb mistakes continue to affect you and compare yourself to his exes. Read some books on setting a new narrative inside your brain.

If you don't make any improvement in that area, you will have to let him go as he doesn't deserve someone who is seething during lovemaking versus enjoying it.

[adamts13]

45 minutes ago, Andrina said:

The human brain isn't fully formed in the decision making area, the pre-frontal cortex, until around age 25. So chalk it up to his poor decision making skills, and also as he says, his issues at the time.

The important thing is that he has improved because he cares, and he chose you as a long-term partner and now, I'm assuming is an ideal partner to you.

What I learned in the past in marriage counseling is that once an argument is settled, you never again bring it up as a weapon in future arguments. Perhaps you're not doing this verbally, but you're doing it mentally. 

You have control over your mind, so you will have to learn to let the past go and relish the present. We're all humans and we make mistakes, but what's important is that we learn from them. You have your own self-esteem issues since you're letting his dumb mistakes continue to affect you and compare yourself to his exes. Read some books on setting a new narrative inside your brain.

If you don't make any improvement in that area, you will have to let him go as he doesn't deserve someone who is seething during lovemaking versus enjoying it.

Ok. I don’t really see myself easily getting over this. I’ve only been with my therapist for a couple months but I don’t find myself changing in this regard. I guess we might have to break up.

[smackie9]

Breaking up would be the best bet here. You started out tolerating someone who emotionally tormented you, and dismissed your feelings. That's pretty damaging. Dating him denied you a happy experience as your first experience. I am so sorry this happened to you. Being inexperienced you didn't know any better but now you do, and how he treated you was inexcusable. And even tho he's gotten better, who knows if or when that part of his personality will come back when there are tough times in the relationship. Not everyone is emotionally made to forgive....and there isn't anything wrong with that....it's who you are and how you feel. IMO to get empowerment is to just say no I'm done, I don't want to do this. I think his apology is too little too late. Now that you found your self esteem, break away and try life anew. Go find your identity, meet/choose someone who is kind/loving and makes you feel safe....and happy!

[MissCanuck]

3 hours ago, adamts13 said:

Then on our first Valentine’s Day about 6 months into the relationship, we were having sex and he was struggling. He said “Sex with [ex] was so much easier.” I just told him never to do that again.

What you should have done was dump him. That was a terrible thing to say to you, and it was obvious he was still very much hung up on this ex. 

It was not wise to continue dating this man, and now you are seeing why. He might have apologized but some damage cannot be undone. I wouldn't bother wasting more time and money on therapy. Find a new and better boyfriend instead. 

[Cherylyn]

There are times when apologies are not enough to make amends.  Once you realize what a person was capable of saying to you in the first place,  that memory stays with you and stings your brain.  People never forget how you made them feel and you're one of them which is universal. 

While is was very good of him to apologize and change,  once you know what he said to you in the past,  distrust sets in and you'll always wonder if he'll say it to you again or some other hurtful comments. 

If you're uncomfortable with him,  don't be with him anymore.  He's not a great match for you.

[poorlittlefish]

If you need to see a therapist to try and make yourself feel better about the person you're in a relationship with, that suggests you're not with the right person.  I wouldn't be able to forget those comments either.  Words are cheap, but they have profound impact.  In my previous relationship I saw a therapist about how hurt I'd been about comments that had been made to me and before long I realised that the problem wasn't me, it was him.  I am happier on my own.  You may wish to consider if you would be too.