Is it wrong to tell her you want to have sex more often?

[Alittlehelpplz]

I’ve been talking to this girl for a couple of months now. We are going well but it’s not official, though we both are not sleeping or dating anyone besides each other. I was talking to someone when I wasn’t aware that she was only dating me. Immediately cut that though. I really like this girl but I was concerned that she may not have been serious about me. 
 

anyway, I feel like we act like a normal couple we text throughout the day, talk on the phone, go on dates etc. 
 

but it’s something that bothers me, she’s the one that prefers the slowness of our relationship. 
 

She says we have issues with spontaneity when it comes to sex. I would agree with her, when it’s something different it’s a lot of fun and interesting but when it’s more planned out it’s less fun. 
 

with that being said, we don’t have sex often. I don’t want to apply pressure so I don’t bring it up often but honestly it’s on my mind. 
 

The last time I seen her she called and said she was tired that’s why we didn’t have sex. Completely unsolicited btw. But she still prepared for it. I told her I was ok with either way. She just decided to chill. 
 

it’s like when I try to have and do something spontaneous, she’s not to receptive but when it’s planned out she’s more receptive but doesn’t like that it’s planned. 
im not sure what to do. 
 

I need advice on how to make it spontaneous, and how to be more open with her about sex 

[Batya33]

I think since you are just "talking" and mostly meeting up to hang out and hook up - this is not a relationship in the sense of leading to anything in the future -it's a sexually monogamous arrangement and you go on dates.

Simply ask her if she had her wish how often your dates would include sex.  And consider that you two might simply be so different that it's not going to work. For sure people who are more planners and people who are more spontaneous learn to meet in the middle, take turns, compromise (I'm much more of a planner -type A -than my type B husband) - but since this is casual dating and "talking" (what is talking anyway -I am married and talk to men?) - and you seem hesitant to move towards something more serious - I mean if you're already this different why bother - so you can get sex more often?

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, Alittlehelpplz said:

I’ve been talking to this girl for a couple of months now. We are going well but it’s not official. I feel like we act like a normal couple we text throughout the day, talk on the phone, go on dates etc. 

It seems to be going well. Have you had the exclusive conversation? 60 days dating is the observation period.

Why aren't you "having sex enough"? Do you mean each time you see each other? Not sure what the difference is between "planned" and "spontaneous" if you are going on dates and sex either happens or sometimes if she's not in the mood, it doesn't.  If she feels pressured that in itself could be a turnoff. 

[Alittlehelpplz]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

I think since you are just "talking" and mostly meeting up to hang out and hook up - this is not a relationship in the sense of leading to anything in the future -it's a sexually monogamous arrangement and you go on dates.

Simply ask her if she had her wish how often your dates would include sex.  And consider that you two might simply be so different that it's not going to work. For sure people who are more planners and people who are more spontaneous learn to meet in the middle, take turns, compromise (I'm much more of a planner -type A -than my type B husband) - but since this is casual dating and "talking" (what is talking anyway -I am married and talk to men?) - and you seem hesitant to move towards something more serious - I mean if you're already this different why bother - so you can get sex more often?

I actually really like this girl. The hesitation is on her part. Kind of following her schedule, I don’t want to apply pressure so I haven’t really said much about us being a couple. Honestly I’m scared she’ll run if I do bring it up. 
 

[Alittlehelpplz]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

It seems to be going well. Have you had the exclusive conversation? 60 days dating is the observation period.

Why aren't you "having sex enough"? Do you mean each time you see each other? Not sure what the difference is between "planned" and "spontaneous" if you are going on dates and sex either happens or sometimes if she's not in the mood, it doesn't.  If she feels pressured that in itself could be a turnoff. 

It is going well. We are planning future dates and etc. 
yes kind of. She told me she’s only talking to me and hooking up with me.

i told her the same.

 

the sex part is just part of the problem. She treats things so casually. When we spend time together I call it a date. She calls it hanging out. 
when we sleep together she calls it hooking up. 
it kind of bugs me. 
 

No each time. Which isn’t expected. 
I think it’s like spur of the moment contrary to making a bed or etc. 

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, Alittlehelpplz said:

It is going well. We are planning future dates and etc. 
yes kind of. She told me she’s only talking to me and hooking up with me.

i told her the same.

 

the sex part is just part of the problem. She treats things so casually. When we spend time together I call it a date. She calls it hanging out. 
when we sleep together she calls it hooking up. 
it kind of bugs me. 
 

No each time. Which isn’t expected. 
I think it’s like spur of the moment contrary to making a bed or etc. 

why ? It’s what you’re doing. You’re describing it as talking and hooking up. Call it a date and the substance is you’re playing it so “cool” and lead with sex early on. So with all the talking what have you two discussed about birth control or an accidental pregnancy ? Are you two on the same page about that ?  

If you see serious potential then “talk” about that. Not how often you’re having intercourse with someone you’re just “talking “ to.  Maybe she’s trying to be too cool for school.
So actually talk. Tell her your intentions.  Ask what her intentions are. Then talk practicalities about birth control.  

[Batya33]

15 minutes ago, Alittlehelpplz said:

I actually really like this girl. The hesitation is on her part. Kind of following her schedule, I don’t want to apply pressure so I haven’t really said much about us being a couple. Honestly I’m scared she’ll run if I do bring it up. 
 

If you’re comfortable having intercourse then you should be comfortable being direct about your intentions and if that’s too much pressure for her then she will likely stick around to have sex and hang out but now you seem to be looking for something potentially serious. So if that is so walk away so she and you can be with people on the same wavelength. 

[Wiseman2]

23 minutes ago, Alittlehelpplz said:

The sex part is just part of the problem. She treats things so casually. When we spend time together I call it a date. She calls it hanging out. when we sleep together she calls it hooking up.  

How often do you see each other? It seems like you both feel like the purpose of hanging out is sex but that you're trying to go on dates? How exactly would you ask her for more sex? 

[rainbowsandroses]

11 hours ago, Alittlehelpplz said:

The last time I seen her she called and said she was tired that’s why we didn’t have sex. Completely unsolicited btw. But she still prepared for it. I told her I was ok with either way. She just decided to chill. 

I may get heat for saying this, but re what's bolded, when a woman you've just begun dating and already had sex with says this to you and in the way that she said it, she's simply not sexually attracted to you, not enough anyway.

I'm sure she likes "talking" to you, being taken out on planned dates and the attention you give her, but do not mistake that for genuine attraction "to" you, physically and sexually.

My advice is stop seeing her and look for a woman on your same level sexually (it's important imo), who's as 'attracted to' you as you are to her and on the same wavelength 

Life's too short. 

 

[lostandhurt]

The one thing that is stopping this whole thing from going anywhere is fear.

You are afraid of spooking her by actually speaking your mind and telling her what you want out of this dating/hanging out situation.

 Right now you have little to lose as I see this not going anywhere fast.  I know you do not want to hear this but you sound like a place holder to keep her company and yes even have sex when she is horny but she is not that into you. 

 Even if this is just a hang out and have sex once in a while type of thing that isn't even going to well.

 Be brave and ask her what she is looking to get out of you two "hanging out"  The answer may not be what you are looking for but at least you will know.  There could be someone else out there more in tune to what you want and are looking for and you will miss them if you keep spinning your wheels with this woman.

 Lost

[rainbowsandroses]

15 minutes ago, lostandhurt said:

I know you do not want to hear this but you sound like a place holder to keep her company and yes even have sex when she is horny but she is not that into you. 

Totally on board with this^, see my previous.

I disagree with asking though and discussing. In this situation, go by her actions (or non-actions), which imo are pretty obvious.  She's simply not all that into you, sorry man. 😞

 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said:

when a woman you've just begun dating and already had sex with says this to you and in the way that she said it, she's simply not sexually attracted to you, not enough anyway.

Which might be because she's not comfortable in general with this casual approach and is trying to play it cool.  I was pretty certain I wouldn't have enjoyed casual sex.  It's so odd to me how they are each comfy getting naked/risking pregnancy, but OMG actually talking like mature adults about their actual intentions?

If she is lying to herself then that's on her just saying that might be it.

[Capricorn3]

This sounds more like FWB to me.  Maybe that's what she thinks this is.

[Andrina]

7 hours ago, Alittlehelpplz said:

I don’t want to apply pressure so I haven’t really said much about us being a couple. Honestly I’m scared she’ll run if I do bring it up. 

This is doormat behavior. You are shoving your own wants under the mat in fear of losing someone who's always just out of your grasp.

Not that my self-esteem was always the best when I was in the dating world, but I did do some things right. When I saw that my dating style and dating goals didn't match someone I'd begun seeing, I walked away. There was someone who wouldn't be able to date as often as I wished because of the particular custody schedule he had with his very young son, so I didn't even venture to date him. Another took a really long time to decide to be exclusive with anyone while he multi-dated, so I took a pass on that. You have to know your standards and what you're comfortable with and stick with those standards. I don't care how attractive the person is.

I held out for a guy who did have the amount of time I wanted for dating, and we matched in all major ways. Tell a person what you want and if she is not on board, it's best to know now before investing more time in Ms. Wrong.

[lostandhurt]

4 hours ago, Andrina said:

Tell a person what you want and if she is not on board, it's best to know now before investing more time in Ms. Wrong.

Yep, ay best you sound like Mr Right now, not Mr. Right.

 You really have nothing to lose by having the conversation as it seems your other option is to simply hope she comes around to something close to what you want.  Hope is not a strategy...

Talk to her but know exactly what you want before you do.  Walking away without having the conversation will leave you wondering which sucks.

Lost

[catfeeder]

On 12/1/2023 at 11:57 PM, Alittlehelpplz said:

...she’s the one that prefers the slowness of our relationship. 
She says we have issues with spontaneity when it comes to sex. I would agree with her, when it’s something different it’s a lot of fun and interesting but when it’s more planned out it’s less fun. 

I think she wants the opposite of what you want. You want more sex, but she feels pressured by your plans to have sex and wants less of it.

Sounds like she enjoys having you orbit her to hang out when she wants to, but she only wants sex IF she gets spontaneously turned on and wants to have it. Otherwise, she doesn't want you to expect it from her.

 

[poorlittlefish]

When the sex does happen, are you considerate of what she likes and do your best to make sure she's satisfied or are you more interested in your own pleasure?  Maybe she likes your company but doesn't like what happens between the sheets?

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, poorlittlefish said:

Maybe she likes your company but doesn't like what happens between the sheets?

I'm wondering this, too. She sounds very lukewarm about the sex. 

[Batya33]

7 hours ago, catfeeder said:

I think she wants the opposite of what you want. You want more sex, but she feels pressured by your plans to have sex and wants less of it.

Sounds like she enjoys having you orbit her to hang out when she wants to, but she only wants sex IF she gets spontaneously turned on and wants to have it. Otherwise, she doesn't want you to expect it from her.

 

And that's also consistent with not wanting a relationship with you - people who do want to hear at least what their partner would like as far as sex and intimacy and are interested in at least exploring how to resolve if there is a gap/other differences.  But it's not worth the effort or time investment for the arrangement you two have.

[Wiseman2]

22 hours ago, Alittlehelpplz said:

Is it wrong to tell her you want to have sex more often?

Basically, yes. Either you two get together and you're both in the mood and things happen, or they don't. She's not your employee so, no you can't "tell her" what to do. She doesn't owe you sex. If you feel your desires aren't being met reconsider the relationship and reflect if your libidos are a good match. 

[smackie9]

You can't force or make someone desire more sex. You are incompatible. You want more spontaneous sex? The go find someone who does. This girl ain't it.