Odd dates - strange intimacy issues? he left the room -impotent/PTSD/why?

[levie]

A guy I messaged on a dating site -was on the way to go abroad for work - he was coming from west coast - he suggested to make a stop on the east coast to meet with me. He said he made a few changes to his airplane so he could meet me..  His background is former military running nonprofits now in conflict zones. 

He turned out quite cute - but he had a stinky breath - I just didn't really kiss him - as evening wrapped I dropped him off in his hotel  as I went on the way to home.  He texted me that he'd like to spend the night with me - to which I replied I am home already. We met the following day 

I had evening plans  but I was having nice time with him. He extended his stay Then my temporary apartment was booked so I moved to his hotel - separate room - same floor. 

We watched Netflix  (his breath was ok then!) - and then as I was falling asleep- he left to his room. He texted me that he felt " couldn't sleep, didn't want to keep waking you up..Hard for me to sleep with that kind of tension"... I think he meant sexual tension but he hasn't made out with me - he just left!!

The following morning (Sunday) - he said he had crazy dreams because of his PTSD.  I came to his room, we kissed - but I stopped - he said he has some tattoos - and wasn't going to show me - (ie he'd have to take his clothing off) - which seemed like he didn't want to do.

We went out for breakfast, when came back he said he has to continue going to Europe for his trip - then he tried to undress me (for actual intimacy) - but at this point ..

He didn't quite make a sexual move until very end - and even with that he was making some strange excuses.

The problem is I quite liked him. And the whole behavior quite confused me.  Why would he leave the room and write me from distance he felt tension? Usually (active guys) - don't need an invitation to make a move or kiss or touch a boob!

When he left - I sent him a sexy selfie - he said " why didn't you do anything when I was there?"  

I wrote him I was trying ot get to know him - I wrote him an emotional text which he didn't reply. Then I deleted it, and wrote ?! forget it"....He asked me why I deleted the texts ..I said was sick and when I'm not feeling well - I overthink.  He replied "I have a lot going on without having to deal with that. Thats why I shouldn't date".  I wrote him a text apologizing again.  but haven't heard back....

The whole situation pulled a rug under me...and I have been feeling unsettled for some time. The behavior from his end was quite strange...

I feel quite guilty because of communication... but also I usually have to fight guys off - not have the expectation Id jump on someone...

 

 

 

[Batya33]

He is basically a stranger and you're so very lucky you weren't raped or assaulted -especially since he claims to live elsewhere/work elsewhere -you'd have had little recourse.  This individual acted in an odd way.  Nothing to do with gender.  I understand you encounter men who come on very strong to you sexually.  That's also because of how you approach dating. In this situation you let him know after meeting him once you'd be up for casual sex the next day or casual hook up.  So the men who are aggressive and pushy are also with a person who they already know is comfortable with casual sex.

  It's a two way thing. This person ended up not feeling right about having intercourse with you.  He ended up feeling conflicted.  That can happen with certain people and again he is a stranger basically you just met in person so I wouldn't assume anything. Maybe he was on meds/took drugs/took wrong dosage. 

 I'd move on and keep on doing what you're doing if you enjoy having casual sex and don't mind typically being pursued aggressively for sex.

[reinventmyself]

He gave what seems like a legitimate response.  Yet you jump to him possibly being impotent?

If the roles were reversed and woman chose to hold off for her own personal reasons, would you suggest she had some hangup for doing so?

[levie]

I wasn't into casual sex. And I don't. We were talking about having relationship before I met him. When he asked me why I didn't - I said I was "sussing him out" - trying to learn more about him, since he is a stranger, as you correctly pointed out.

He asked me why I sent him a selfie - post-fact - I said - its because he's far away.

 I got a separate hotel room with that reason.  I thought what he did was respectful on one hand.  On the other hand - I got a weird vibe.  His attitude just changed into being really weird with me - and then dropping me off being angry with that text.

[levie]

I think he was a super person and we got along well - I would have liked to stay in touch with him - given his frequent travel - I feel hurt - he got "angry" at me.  

[Batya33]

My suggestion is if you want a relationship- and want to be in one piece to have one - don’t meet up with a stranger passing through town and agree to hang out in his hotel room and prepare to have sex.  It’s not really consistent with the words you wrote. You talked before meeting about relationship goals. Many do.  But when you agreed to see him again at his hotel room you two hadn’t decided to be in an exclusive committed relationship yet. In fact you were quite concerned about his body odor.  
So yes you agreed to hang out with a stranger (meaning for safety purposes ) and you were fine being sexual and having sex the second time you met him. 

for sure relationships have started with one night stands. But no talking to a stranger about a relationship doesn’t mean you were in one when you went to his room. Especially since he’s just passing through.  You also have no clue if he is a super person. You just met him.
I’m sorry you feel hurt. I’d lower the risk of hurt feelings by meeting strangers in a public place for a short time , focusing on local men , then planning a proper first date in public to start to get to know the person in person . 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, levie said:

A guy I messaged on a dating site -was on the way to go abroad for work - he was coming from west coast - he suggested to make a stop on the east coast to meet with me. 

Sorry this happened. How long were you talking before he suggested stopping by on his way abroad? You dodged a bullet. Meeting up at a hotel for a brief encounter with a stranger isn't really "getting to know someone" for a relationship. 

Delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. As far as the hotel encounter, is he in another relationship? It seems like he wasn't as interested as you hoped. 

Please get a good profile and pics on quality paid relationship focused dating apps that screen for identity. Paid apps may have more serious daters and better screening and matching tools.

Especially for distance lifestyle and other characteristics. Start talking to and meeting local available single men for a brief coffee/drink first to decide if you want a second date. 

Please date locally and safely. Please don't make the first meeting at a hotel. Don't worry about why sex didn't happen. Be grateful you came out of this risky encounter in one piece.

[levie]

5 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. How long were you talking before he suggested stopping by on his way abroad? You dodged a bullet. Meeting up at a hotel for a brief encounter with a stranger isn't really "getting to know someone" for a relationship. 

Delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. As far as the hotel encounter, is he in another relationship? It seems like he wasn't as interested as you hoped. 

Please get a good profile and pics on quality paid relationship focused dating apps that screen for identity. Paid apps may have more serious daters and better screening and matching tools.

Especially for distance lifestyle and other characteristics. Start talking to and meeting local available single men for a brief coffee/drink first to decide if you want a second date. 

Please date locally and safely. Please don't make the first meeting at a hotel. Don't worry about why sex didn't happen. Be grateful you came out of this risky encounter in one piece.

I met him in Soho house first time (public place). I met him for breakfast in a restaurant (2nd time public place). I spent afternoon with him. (public place - 3rd time) I paid for a separate hotel room. I was going to take a nap alone - I ended up watching a movie with him. (thats the hotel room part) - in my room.   I went to his room the following morning.   

I do some level of due diligent - I usually look up people on white pages before I meet them - to see where they live, their name, jobs etc.

[Wiseman2]

13 minutes ago, levie said:

. I was going to take a nap alone - I ended up watching a movie with him. (thats the hotel room part) - in my room.   I went to his room the following morning.   

 

Yes but this was all while he was just passing through. It's unclear why you thought a layover would lead to anything but a  brief encounter. Googling people is notoriously inaccurate.  It's also unclear why you are talking to people from a distance in the first place. 

[Batya33]

51 minutes ago, levie said:

I met him in Soho house first time (public place). I met him for breakfast in a restaurant (2nd time public place). I spent afternoon with him. (public place - 3rd time) I paid for a separate hotel room. I was going to take a nap alone - I ended up watching a movie with him. (thats the hotel room part) - in my room.   I went to his room the following morning.   

I do some level of due diligent - I usually look up people on white pages before I meet them - to see where they live, their name, jobs etc.

It’s still way too soon because he’s passing through and you have no mutual friends or acquaintances. Many years ago I went to a man’s apartment second date - he was staying in the city at his parents place. They were out for the evening. We had close mutual friends. We kissed a little but that’s it and I remember him saying why had I come to his apartment this soon? It’s just not the right impression and it’s unsafe even if you “Google “. Do you really want to have to escape or call security or the police ??

[MissCanuck]

Yikes, OP. You need to do a much better job looking out for yourself and your own safety. 

This guy just wanted sex. When you didn’t pick up on his “hints” (and good thing you didn’t!), he bailed. 

Please be more careful in the future. Avoid men who talk of having a relationship with you before even meeting you, and change around their whole schedules to have some weird first meet  in a hotel. Something was off about this whole situation.

Forget him and stick to local men. 

[smackie9]

I don't blame him for getting upset. He invested his time, texting you, changed his plans to stay longer, went out on some dates, so he wasn't just some guy you met at the bar. You communicated about having a relationship, getting to know him, etc. Still strangers, he was confused about your intentions/expectations...you know how men get accused of rape, he was being careful. Hence he wanted more of a green light from you instead of taking his chances of being assertive. You fell asleep, so he thought well that's that. Then you send him a sexy photo after....that would upset any man. That's taken as teasing..not kool.

I agree with the others, how you went about this is not the way to find yourself a relationship. Who know what would have happened. It's so easy to fake a profile and seed the internet with false information, ...way too dangerous. There are so many predators/criminals take advantage of how easy it is to manipulate/create an image online.

[catfeeder]

I can't speak to what you found weird, because the whole thing sounds weird to me. Like why you'd end up alone in a room with a long distance stranger.

Why not stick to local dating and get to know people in public, and over t.i.m.e?

[levie]

4 hours ago, catfeeder said:

I can't speak to what you found weird, 

You can't answer my question - Why are you posting then? 

[levie]

11 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

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6 hours ago, smackie9 said:

I don't blame him for getting upset. He invested his time, texting you, changed his plans to stay longer, went out on some dates, so he wasn't just some guy you met at the bar.

Yes you are right. He did invest time 

You communicated about having a relationship, getting to know him, etc. Still strangers, he was confused about your intentions/expectations...you know how men get accused of rape, he was being careful. Hence he wanted more of a green light from you instead of taking his chances of being assertive.

Yes they do.. And I did not think that could be his concern. If he wanted intimacy, I felt he should have at least tried to kiss me.

You fell asleep, so he thought well that's that. Then you send him a sexy photo after....that would upset any man. That's taken as teasing..not kool.

Yes, and I said I was teasing him or he said I was. I said it jokingly, but I certainly didn't expect him to be so upset with me to cut me off.

  

 

Maybe that was it...

 

[Jaunty]

2 hours ago, levie said:

 And I did not think that could be his concern. If he wanted intimacy, I felt he should have at least tried to kiss me.

When you first met him you "didn't really kiss him" because of his "stinky breath."  

But according to your post, he DID kiss you.  

It's likely that he felt you trying to avoid kissing him.   Then, as others have mentioned already, you fell asleep, you then sent sexy photo, he finally kissed you, you stopped him, you also stopped him from undressing you.  

And then you suddenly tell him that you were sick?!

It seems pretty clear that things were ridiculously awkward and not going in a good direction during your time together.   I mean, nothing bad, but obviously not any potential showed itself. 

So ... why does this lead you to believe that he's impotent?

 

[Tinydance]

4 hours ago, levie said:

You can't answer my question - Why are you posting then? 

In all fairness how can someone answer your question? How do we know what this guy was thinking?

[Tinydance]

How far away does this guy live from you? How often does he travel overseas for work? To be honest I don't really think this guy wanted an actual relationship. Or at least not at the present time. He said he was going to Europe for a while, so he was going to be away overseas. He probably suggested to meet as he was passing through mostly for hookup. He probably didn't mind getting to know you as well but realistically how were you going to have a relationship if he's overseas?

I think he did want sex because he said he couldn't sleep with the sexual tension and he did try to undress you. He probably just wasn't acting pushy about it because he wanted you to be reciprocating. You weren't really reciprocating most of the time he was there and only sent a sexy photo after he already left. He probably wasn't pushing you for sex because he wanted you to be vibing that you were into it.

I think he's being honest that he doesn't want to date because he's going to be in another country.

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, levie said:

Odd dates - strange intimacy issues? he left the room -impotent/PTSD/why?

It seems like he left the room because you fell asleep. It's doubtful it's due to medical conditions. Sounds like he wasn't as interested as you were, unfortunately. Write it off as a brief encounter that didn't work out. Have you heard from him?