Need some advice about bf and taking a "break"

[Bugie78]

1 minute ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Then how do you not know this stuff already?

Break = break up.

It's me, not you. 

Wanting you to be okay = feels less guilty when he makes his final exit. 

I mean it's just so predictable.  And read @boltnrunpost again. Especially re being the "cool" girl, the "understanding" girl. 

This is NOT the way to a man heart.  It's you being a pushover and doormat and not respecting yourself.  Trust me, he won't either. 

Look I'm not even judging, I've been where you are!  And I learned from it. 

because I never took a break before and neither did he. 

Break does not equal break up. I seen couples who done it and are still together. It can in fact work for the right reasons. I am the understanding type and I am not a pushover. I literally told him how I feel about this yesterday, that isn't me being a pushover.  

[rainbowsandroses]

@Bugie78 when did you first learn about his "mental issues"? 

The timing of it is important because it's not uncommon for guys to suddenly have "mental issues" when they want to end a relationship.

Not saying that's the case here but again it's not uncommon. 

My own brother has used that line when he wanted to end a relationship.

In his case, the relationship itself and the pressure he felt from it was causing his mental issues.  He never told his girlfriend that, he gave her some other BS story.

After it finally ended which waa a long drawn out process due to his guilt, miraculously his 'mental issues' disappeared.

[rainbowsandroses]

4 minutes ago, Bugie78 said:

because I never took a break before and neither did he. 

Break does not equal break up. I seen couples who done it and are still together. It can in fact work for the right reasons. I am the understanding type and I am not a pushover. I literally told him how I feel about this yesterday, that isn't me being a pushover.  

Why did you create this thread again?  I'm confused because you seem to have it all figured out.

Which is great!  Carry on and good luck. 

[Bugie78]

15 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

Another copium. "Couple X did it and made it so its OK that he was tired and had no time to see me".

Which still doesnt reflect the overall quality of the relationship. Your other exes were maybe just bad or even abusive. Just because he is a tad above that, doesnt mean its a good relationship. After all, he left you. Oh sorry, "you are on the break" like in "Friends" TV show.

When we are in the relationship, that relationship shouldnt put a strain on us. But should enchance our overall life. It means that your relationship should have take his mind about his overall issues and be "the light of the day" for him. And instead he felt that its OK to break up so he could dedicate more time to himself. Even though you just saw each other once a week. He felt that seeing you once a week is too much for him to the point you are taking a break. Imagine if he had to see you almost every day. And how he would handle that when he couldnt handle your relationship once a week. You are lucky to get out of this one. Stop defending him and take care of yourself more. You got time for that now.

this isn't a Ross and Rachel situation bruh T-T. that's tv that isn't real life. We never broke up. Taking a break does not equal break up. He wasn't ever stressed about OUR relationships. He was damn stressed because his good friend was ghosting him and not talking to him and he has something wrong medically and needs a procedure done which puts a lot of stress. Notice how I haven't changed the story or anything? Because it is damn true. At work they been watching him like a hawk because he took too many breaks at work, which causes him to be even more stressed He has actually seen me on days he was completely tired and exhausted because he tends to be a night owl and can't fall asleep most nights. And other weekends he isn't as tired. 

[rainbowsandroses]

@Bugie78one last comment.

This is/was a short term relationship, only 5 months..  WAY too soon to be having such issues.  You know that.

There is something else going on and you'd be wise to not bury your head in the sand about it.

Again, good luck..

 

 

[Andrina]

On 11/20/2023 at 6:37 PM, Bugie78 said:

he also admitted that apparently he's also trying to come to terms that this is the longest relationship he has had or at least in a while, and he explained how his ex was very controlling and what not which like I am not controlling at all, and he knows this, but he did say this during our talk.

As Dr. Phil said, "The best predictor of future behavior is relevant past behavior." He's 28, likely has dated a decade, and you're his longest relationship at 5 months. That should've given a clue of his pattern and you could have easily predicted the relationship's demise that your relationship would end in the approximate timeframe of everyone else left in his wake. 

His very use of wording "come to terms" is so telling, like even he can't come to terms that it's lasted even this long and it's making him antsy, and then he throws in emotional baggage of the controlling ex, seeming to lump you in with all of womanhood.

Since you're willing to give him the benefit of the doubt, I would at least set for yourself a personal timeline of how long this break can last before you will cut contact with him. Nobody is worth putting yourself on ice for, for extended periods. 

[rainbowsandroses]

On 11/20/2023 at 3:37 PM, Bugie78 said:

he also admitted that apparently he's also trying to come to terms that this is the longest relationship he has had...

Not sure how I missed this^ earlier but OP, come on, what are you doing?

For him to actually admit this to you, he's very clearly spelling out he has issues maintaining relationships, he feels stressed, pressured, he can't do it.  How can you not see this?  

Whatever he's telling you about his friend ghosting, medical issues or whatever else may be true but it's NOT the reason he was distancing and NOT the reason he needs a "break."

Research denial because it very much sounds like you're in the throes of it.

[boltnrun]

Within the space of about four months I got chicken pox, my cousin passed away, my FIL passed away and then my mother passed away. Not once did I need a "break" from my relationship! That was the one thing holding my sanity together.

Needing a "break" from someone indicates they see their partner as another cause of stress, not a refuge from it. 

I wonder if his previous relationships that ended at five months or less also gave him "stress". 

Anyway, you are determined to ride this out and need no advice, so I do sincerely hope things work out the way you're hoping. 

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, Bugie78 said:

he's older then me though. And like I said I was the one to suggest, he even admitted he never took a break before. We do plan on seeing eachother again and agree it to only being a 1-2 weeks. He never was emotionally distant with me. He tells me all his struggles and stress that's why he needs space to gather his mind together. He literally asked to talk to me at a mall and he let off all his struggles he been having it's not emotional distance when a guy tells you his struggles. 

He is a guy telling you from the distance of being on a break -so when has he planned to see you again -what is the time and place? Surely if this is just a break he wants to make sure he gets to see you and take you out?

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, Bugie78 said:

ofc I didn't want this break, but neither did he. He even said this to me. We never ended and are still together he literally texts me every day other then the one week we had no contact. He even admitted he doesn't want any negative outcomes to this too. I want him to feel like he can make his own choice and want him to not feel any pressure. We most likely are going to see each other again. 

Of course he wanted it otherwise he wouldn't have done it -watch the feet -what he does -not the lips.   I have had breaks that weren't break ups - he's not allowed to try to date others- is he? The problem is why he wants the break -his reaction to life stresses is to leave the relationship and take a break. If you mingle your life with his - financially, or buy a house, adopt a dog, have a baby -do you have a strong support system so that when he reacts to life's stresses by leaving you will have people who won't judge your relationship and be there for you?

[rainbowsandroses]

3 hours ago, Bugie78 said:

He never was emotionally distant with me...

Huh?  Isn't that precisely why you asked if he needed a break?  Because he was emotionally distant? 

3 hours ago, Bugie78 said:

He tells me all his struggles and stress that's why he needs space to gather his mind together. He literally asked to talk to me at a mall and he let off all his struggles he been having it's not emotional distance when a guy tells you his struggles. 

This^ is not flattering.

He needs a break from being your boyfriend but in the meantime as he slow fades out, he turns you into his "best friend," "mother," "therapist" by telling you all his struggles? 

How is this appealing to you and how do you get that it means he gives a crap? 

Look this guy clearly has commitment issues. 

Longest relationship only 5 months at 28 years of age.

Sees you only once a week and apparently even THAT was too much.

Feels stressed and anxious, sudden "mental issues." 

Cannot commit to move forward but also cannot commit to ending it so keeps you in a "holding" pattern until he's ready to leave for good. 

The list goes on....

I'm sorry for being so negative but none of this is good or positive.

That said, you're intent on playing this out which is fine.  Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.  

If you get hurt, so be.  You learn for next time. 

[MissCanuck]

5 hours ago, Bugie78 said:

I didn't want this break, but neither did he.

Bugie, come on. Obviously he was okay with this idea or he wouldn't have accepted it. 

You're just deluding yourself at this point, girl. 

[Bugie78]

20 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Also - if he truly wanted to be with you he absolutely would not risk telling you he doesn't know when he will see you again - risk letting his special person feel unwanted or look elsewhere -when he said that -if you now hang on - that's a huge turn off - he will know you'll tolerate being an afterthought, waiting around like an eager puppy till he's ready to deign to see you.

It's fine to have a relationship with a once a week date - if that works for both people.  So how's it working now -you want to see him and he doesn't want to see  you -and doesn't know when he will want to?

He never said he doesn’t know when he will see me again. He was saying he doesn’t know for sure how he will feel by Saturday. Idk it’s kind of hard to explain. That doesn’t mean he won’t see me the following  Saturday. I mean I’ll keep updated I’m kind of tired explaining this but I’ll keep things posted I guess. 

[Bugie78]

2 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Huh?  Isn't that precisely why you asked if he needed a break?  Because he was emotionally distant? 

This^ is not flattering.

He needs a break from being your boyfriend but in the meantime as he slow fades out, he turns you into his "best friend," "mother," "therapist" by telling you all his struggles? 

How is this appealing to you and how do you get that it means he gives a crap? 

Look this guy clearly has commitment issues. 

Longest relationship only 5 months at 28 years of age.

Sees you only once a week and apparently even THAT was too much.

Feels stressed and anxious, sudden "mental issues." 

Cannot commit to move forward but also cannot commit to ending it so keeps you in a "holding" pattern until he's ready to leave for good. 

The list goes on....

I'm sorry for being so negative but none of this is good or positive.

That said, you're intent on playing this out which is fine.  Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.  

If you get hurt, so be.  You learn for next time. 

No it was because he was stressed. Which cause him to be distant at least that’s what he belived and I personally didn’t think he was distant at all. Especially the two weeks before he said this to me we were cuddling on his couch watching a movie and yes he initiated the cuddling. How is telling his girlfriend all his struggles any form of acting like his therapist or mother. That’s what couples do. 😭. He still texts me first since the no contact 1 week break. 

[rainbowsandroses]

@Bugie78check your private messages. 

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, Bugie78 said:

How is telling his girlfriend all his struggles any form of acting like his therapist or mother. That’s what couples do. 😭. He still texts me first since the no contact 1 week

Bolded.  It's not, the problem here is that you're NOT his girlfriend at the moment, you're supposed to be taking a break, remember?  Read your own thread title again if you forgot. 😀

So why are you talking to him at all?  Let alone listening to his struggles? 

Leave him alone.  He's not gonna figure this out with you right there, listening to all his struggles.  

He needs to be away from you, live life without you, miss you!

I suppose that's why couples takes breaks, to live life without each other for awhile, determine if they miss each other.  Although I personally don't believe in them.

In this case, it's just him though.  You know you don't want this break and you've admitted you miss him terribly and feel incomplete without him.

You are not acting in your own best interests by continuing to talk to him while on "break."

I know it's hard, but leave him alone, go no contact.  Give him the opportunity to figure out what he wants and miss having you in his life. 

He's never had a relationship longer than five months.  Play your cards right and you may be the exception, and it's not by hanging around listening to all his problems while taking a break from each other. 

It defeats the entire purpose of the break. 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Bugie78 said:

He never said he doesn’t know when he will see me again. He was saying he doesn’t know for sure how he will feel by Saturday. Idk it’s kind of hard to explain. That doesn’t mean he won’t see me the following  Saturday. I mean I’ll keep updated I’m kind of tired explaining this but I’ll keep things posted I guess. 

If he wanted to make sure his special person would not get snapped up by someone else during this break he would have a time and place plan in advance to see you even if two weeks in advance.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Bugie78 said:

No it was because he was stressed. Which cause him to be distant at least that’s what he belived and I personally didn’t think he was distant at all. Especially the two weeks before he said this to me we were cuddling on his couch watching a movie and yes he initiated the cuddling. How is telling his girlfriend all his struggles any form of acting like his therapist or mother. That’s what couples do. 😭. He still texts me first since the no contact 1 week break. 

No -he is using you as a sounding board while he's on a break and it's not a good look for you -he knows you are so eager and available -even when he's not sure when he wants to see you again and have a date with you.

[Bugie78]

4 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Bolded.  It's not, the problem here is that you're NOT his girlfriend at the moment, you're supposed to be taking a break, remember?  Read your own thread title again if you forgot. 😀

So why are you talking to him at all?  Let alone listening to his struggles? 

Leave him alone.  He's not gonna figure this out with you right there, listening to all his struggles.  

He needs to be away from you, live life without you, miss you!

I suppose that's why couples takes breaks, to live life without each other for awhile, determine if they miss each other.  Although I personally don't believe in them.

In this case, it's just him though.  You know you don't want this break and you've admitted you miss him terribly and feel incomplete without him.

You are not acting in your own best interests by continuing to talk to him while on "break."

I know it's hard, but leave him alone, go no contact.  Give him the opportunity to figure out what he wants and miss having you in his life. 

He's never had a relationship longer than five months.  Play your cards right and you may be the exception, and it's not by hanging around listening to all his problems while taking a break from each other. 

It defeats the entire purpose of the break. 

Bruh we already took our week break 😭. He also literally just texted me today how my day has been and told me how it was a easy day at work today which isn’t common for him. And guess what? He texted me first. I been leaving him alone. 80% of the time he texts me first. He been telling me all his struggles BEFORE the break. He introduced me to his friends, to his mom, (his dad died of brain cancer unfortunately), he drove me all the way to the shore an hour away. Few times actually. Last month was my birthday and he gave me 4 gifts all wrapped and had cake with me and my family and dinner with my family. He feels really bad (yes he said that) about the stress but literally that one week seemed to help him so far. I told him we will take it one day at a time. He’s not a bad person. He should feel comfortable talking to me about anything 😭. Also keep in mind one relationship he had he was saying the women was very controlling, a women he dated for a month didn’t work out because they weren’t a women they were a man trapped in a women’s body. I met them too because they were on good terms but they clearly aren’t into each other and he wanted me to meet them. (They have a band they play at which I attended with him). I also don’t remember if he said for ever or in a while. I feel he said it was in a while. This is my 2nd longest relationship. 

[bluecastle]

I'm thinking there is some misunderstanding in this thread. 

When you used the term "break," did you just mean a weeklong break from talking rather than a kind of qualified "break up"? If that's the case, I don't think there's really a whole lot to be analyzing here: he was stressed, you gave a bit more space than usual, now you guy are back to business. Moving forward, you now both have a sense of whether these sorts of "breaks"—if my understanding is correct—are good for you and your relationship. 

[Batya33]

10 hours ago, Bugie78 said:

He also literally just texted me today how my day has been and told me how it was a easy day at work today which isn’t common for him. And guess what? He texted me first.

Which is easy to do. Has he put in the effort to make a plan in advance to see you in person and end this break? 

That's great that he did all that couply stuff in the past.  At this moment he has made no plans to see you again, ever.  He is happy to be your chat buddy and text you since he knows you are so so interested in him and eager to hang on his every word -words which take no effort. Why give him the benefit of your companionship and friendship at this time? Give him twice the space he seems to need so he's not texting you in between work outs at the gym, etc.

[Batya33]

9 hours ago, bluecastle said:

I'm thinking there is some misunderstanding in this thread. 

When you used the term "break," did you just mean a weeklong break from talking rather than a kind of qualified "break up"? If that's the case, I don't think there's really a whole lot to be analyzing here: he was stressed, you gave a bit more space than usual, now you guy are back to business. Moving forward, you now both have a sense of whether these sorts of "breaks"—if my understanding is correct—are good for you and your relationship. 

I see the business of dating as going on dates- seeing each other in person.  He told her he's not ready to see her in person and is not sure when he will be -that's in her original post -so far she hasn't shared what their plan is to see each other again.

Interestingly he's told her he was subjected to controlling women and a woman he diagnosed as being a man.  But - what accountability has he told he took -when he started dating her did he own that he might have had poor boundaries or stayed too long -and that he shouldn't subject her to his couple of poor experiences? 

[Bugie78]

13 hours ago, bluecastle said:

I'm thinking there is some misunderstanding in this thread. 

When you used the term "break," did you just mean a weeklong break from talking rather than a kind of qualified "break up"? If that's the case, I don't think there's really a whole lot to be analyzing here: he was stressed, you gave a bit more space than usual, now you guy are back to business. Moving forward, you now both have a sense of whether these sorts of "breaks"—if my understanding is correct—are good for you and your relationship. 

THANK YOU! Finally the amount of misunderstanding in this is baffling. 😭. He never said he doesn’t know when he’ll see me again. 

[Bugie78]

4 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I see the business of dating as going on dates- seeing each other in person.  He told her he's not ready to see her in person and is not sure when he will be -that's in her original post -so far she hasn't shared what their plan is to see each other again.

Interestingly he's told her he was subjected to controlling women and a woman he diagnosed as being a man.  But - what accountability has he told he took -when he started dating her did he own that he might have had poor boundaries or stayed too long -and that he shouldn't subject her to his couple of poor experiences? 

He didn’t diagnose him as a man. I met the person because they are on good terms and he goes to see him play in his band he has, he goes by him/he pronoun now 😭. 

[bluecastle]

1 minute ago, Bugie78 said:

THANK YOU! Finally the amount of misunderstanding in this is baffling.

In fairness here, the use of the terms "a break" and "no contact" feel a bit loaded for what you're describing. You saw he was stressed and offered, as a stress release valve, seven days of silence. He accepted the offer. Here you guys are. 

Now, given how stressed all this has made you, I would reconsider this approach in the future. Like, maybe it doesn't have to be so extreme? And maybe rather than proposing a solution, you can simply ask him: What do you need, right now, to manage your stress? Then listen to what he says, along with listening to yourself in order to gauge if his needs are something you can give.