Should I try again or just end it...

[Momo3]

Hi, all! I am female, and I and my fiance have been together for 4 years. We rarely had any difficulties or arguments and were very happy together. He would always compliment me on how loving and passionate I was, but for the last 2 years, I feel like I am just never good enough and he is showing me the part of him he wouldn't show before because he was showing his best to get me to like and love him.

The one and main issue we have always had is that we were struggling financially, he is more than I and we can barely spend time together or have time alone. He would always complain and continues to complain about this. I do not like that we can not have it any other way either. I have my apartment but I live with my sister now, he also has an apartment that needs renovation so he has always lived with his parents. However, the solution he found to solve what he was always complaining about after my sister moved in with me, was to find the cheapest hotels where we could spend some time being just he and I, and I did not like the idea. I live in a community where I might get in huge trouble because I do not even wear a ring yet (he has not proposed with a ring yet). I have suggested going hiking and renting a small cheap cabin somewhere near but not in the city, but although he is very adventurous and never misses such opportunities suggested by friends, when I have such ideas he does not like the weather, or the price of gas, or the price of the cabin, or he is tired. And that's when I just start losing my mind and thinking about all the other stuff that just does not resonate well.

The only thing I do not compromise is to go to the cheapest hotels with him without a ring on my finger, to protect myself. Even on my birthday, he spent much more than the price of that cabin or that cheapest hotel to take me to the nice concert because his friends were going there and we ended up planning a surprise for his friends who were thinking we would not make it to the concert rather than surprising me on my birthday or doing smth for just the two of us. He has an apartment that needs renovation in order to move in, but even when he gets a better job and more money to renovate it, it always comes last because he first needs to buy special equipment for the small business he is running. I have always encouraged him hoping that he would work things out for him to be able to work things out for us, and then we agreed to split expanses of renovating his apartment. But things did not go well with his job and I ended up giving all my thoughts, energy, and most of my salary to planning and paying for the renovation, to the point that I missed the appointments with my doctors, was not able to buy things for myself and spend nights studying to keep my new job with higher salary and he would not even take the cheapest bus to my house to see me and take a walk with me to the park. Then we would get to the shop to buy things for the renovation and he would choose the most expensive ones and would be upset that I preferred to not pay so much money because there are a lot of things we need to buy and we would not be able to finish the renovation for years. He would not listen and then I would agree. When things get better at his job he helps me a little financially but depends mostly on me. He would buy expensive shoes and clothes with little chance and money left and started joking around about what I was wearing, how I looked, why I felt sick, why I lost weight, why I did not have any ideas on what to do or why I do not see what movie premiers there are to suggest going to the theater, and when I tell him because I am tired thinking about everything, planning everything and make everything happen he gets upsets.

He could not give me a ring yet, because he still couldn't plan even a small surprise, he bought gifts for my parents and asked them the permission to marry me and is spending a lot of time with me and my family because we really showed him love, but has never invited us to meet his parents.

We have spoken about all these. He apologized and said that he needed time to plan everything and promised not to complain about things that I can not change at the moment. But then again for the third time yesterday, he told me he does not like that I am not affectionate, and he does not believe that I love him or I am interested in him and that he is sitting there thinking about maybe spending time with someone else, saying to me that he does not care about the apartment's renovation (I have had surgery because I buy the most expensive things he wants for that renovation and am left with no money every month to take care of myself but he does not care now?) because anyways the renovation is taking so long and he still can not be with me and he is struggling because he wants to be me with me but it just won't happen and that anyways I do not initiate intimacy anymore so nothing matters and that no man will like me and to help the relationship I need to change something.

I do not want to end the relationship of 4 years having done so much. I would characterize him as kind, positive, energetic, attentive, always willing to help, and adventurous but I think he got lazy and very secure. I do not want him to cry to get back to me again, instead, I want him to really understand what's wrong before getting back and for us to really work on it. Maybe there is something that I am doing wrong? How do I make him understand that I can't fulfill more than I do now? Or should I just give up?

[boltnrun]

Stop giving him money and paying for expensive things for him. See if he sticks around after that. 

[Kwothe28]

I dont understand your culture in full. And why you cant maybe live together and see each other when engaged. But sounds like he uses you for money. For example this

27 minutes ago, Momo3 said:

But then again for the third time yesterday, he told me he does not like that I am not affectionate, and he does not believe that I love him or I am interested in him and that he is sitting there thinking about maybe spending time with someone else

is classic manipulation. "I dont care about money for my appartment. But you dont love me enough so you need to prove it to me somehow(best in money) or else I would spend time with somebody else". Its unclear to me whether he means that he would broke up engagement or just cheat. But its clear manipulation.

[smackie9]

Leave. This man will never be able to put a roof over your head, food on the table or have finances to raise children. He would rather have a pipe dream about doing renos on his apartment he will never be able to afford. 

[Wiseman2]

36 minutes ago, Momo3 said:

  has never invited us to meet his parents.

Sorry this is happening. How old is he? Do either of you have children from previous relationships? Is he still living with his parents? Are you still living with his sister? 

Please immediately stop paying for his renovation or getting involved in any way with time, labor or money.

 It's not your property and that money is going down the drain. Set up a repayment plan so he can begin to reimburse you. That's how you protect yourself, not with faux proposals and empty promises.

Have you ever met any of his people or seen where he lives or this apartment he's renovating? 

Please read up on "Sunk Cost Fallacy". He seems to be using you for money and it would be best to cut your losses. 

Please sever all financial ties. Please invest in yourself and your physical and mental health. Talk to trusted friends and family. 

[Momo3]

1 hour ago, Kwothe28 said:

I dont understand your culture in full. And why you cant maybe live together and see each other when engaged. But sounds like he uses you for money. For example this

is classic manipulation. "I dont care about money for my appartment. But you dont love me enough so you need to prove it to me somehow(best in money) or else I would spend time with somebody else". Its unclear to me whether he means that he would broke up engagement or just cheat. But its clear manipulation.

We can leave together, but he is not helping me much with renovating the apartment to move in, although he promised we do 50/50 to fulfill that dream and prefers to spend money on going to the cheap hotels because he doesn't want to have sex with other women. He has not yet gifted an engagement ring to me or moved in together with me, therefore in my culture it's considered very bad especially for the families of such couples to be staying in hotels. That's is why I suggested him to sometimes have a trip somewhere nice and a little far away from the city, but turns out he is not willing to spend money on that as well.

[Momo3]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. How old is he? Do either of you have children from previous relationships? Is he still living with his parents? Are you still living with his sister? 

Please immediately stop paying for his renovation or getting involved in any way with time, labor or money.

 It's not your property and that money is going down the drain. Set up a repayment plan so he can begin to reimburse you. That's how you protect yourself, not with faux proposals and empty promises.

Have you ever met any of his people or seen where he lives or this apartment he's renovating? 

Please read up on "Sunk Cost Fallacy". He seems to be using you for money and it would be best to cut your losses. 

Please sever all financial ties. Please invest in yourself and your physical and mental health. Talk to trusted friends and family. 

Hi is turning 30, no we do not have children or previous marriages, yes he still leaves with his parents, although in our culture it's common but anyways if you want to you can live separately like me. I do not leave with his sister, my sister lives with me currently therefore I can not invite him to stay with me so often as before and he is unhappy. Yes, I have met all his people and visited his apartment a lot to see the progress and clean up the mess together with him after moving to another part of the renovation works.

It just saddens me that he has never invited my family to his family's house. He is always hangin around with my family because they treat him so well but at the same time their are my parents and they would like to get to know his people before the family dinner we were planning to have prior to moving together. He is saying that he and his family are just waiting for a proper time to plan inviting us. 

[Andrina]

2 hours ago, Momo3 said:

but for the last 2 years, I feel like I am just never good enough

Your investment of time, money, and energy into him and HIS property is not worth any more of your love and time. For two years you haven't felt good enough in his eyes, and you want to continue on with him? Your self-love is clearly lacking. The right man will make you feel like you're the most special person in the world, not like you're lacking. You can't hang on, hoping it will go back to what things were like in the rosy beginning.

What man who loves you would have you sacrifice taking care of your health in order to pay for his property?

I doubt he'd reimburse you for everything you've spent on his property if you break up with him, as you should. Don't know if you have a legal leg to stand on since he could claim it was a gift, and there aren't any texts or e-mails saying this is a loan. You could try suing, but there's a chance you will have to take a financial loss, just like people suffer in a divorce. Even so, a financial loss now is better than staying with a user who doesn't love you.

Please use the time after the break up to see things in a clearer light, and work on your self-love, so that you don't repeat a pattern of picking a toxic person. Take care.

[Wiseman2]

15 minutes ago, Momo3 said:

 they would like to get to know his people before the family dinner we were planning to have prior to moving together. He is saying that he and his family are just waiting for a proper time to plan inviting us. 

Unfortunately things seem quite backwards here. You are investing in a place that is not yours. Your name is not on the deed. He hasn't even had you to his place no less proposed or getting married. I'm sorry but he seems to be scamming you.

If he were sincere he would get married, then live together. Not ask you to pay for and provide free labor for his place. While he lives with his parents and sneaks around to motels. Please stop going to motels. Please stop helping him renovate his place. 

[boltnrun]

If you were to stop giving him money and buying him things do you think he would continue the relationship?

[shouldhavelearned]

End it

 

You deserve much better 

[catfeeder]

I can only speak for myself, and there’s no way that I would stay with anyone who has mistreated me and has taken me for granted the way that this guy has treated you. My heart goes out to you, and you deserve to find better.

[Cherylyn]

I would end it.