Hi, all! I am female, and I and my fiance have been together for 4 years. We rarely had any difficulties or arguments and were very happy together. He would always compliment me on how loving and passionate I was, but for the last 2 years, I feel like I am just never good enough and he is showing me the part of him he wouldn't show before because he was showing his best to get me to like and love him.
The one and main issue we have always had is that we were struggling financially, he is more than I and we can barely spend time together or have time alone. He would always complain and continues to complain about this. I do not like that we can not have it any other way either. I have my apartment but I live with my sister now, he also has an apartment that needs renovation so he has always lived with his parents. However, the solution he found to solve what he was always complaining about after my sister moved in with me, was to find the cheapest hotels where we could spend some time being just he and I, and I did not like the idea. I live in a community where I might get in huge trouble because I do not even wear a ring yet (he has not proposed with a ring yet). I have suggested going hiking and renting a small cheap cabin somewhere near but not in the city, but although he is very adventurous and never misses such opportunities suggested by friends, when I have such ideas he does not like the weather, or the price of gas, or the price of the cabin, or he is tired. And that's when I just start losing my mind and thinking about all the other stuff that just does not resonate well.
The only thing I do not compromise is to go to the cheapest hotels with him without a ring on my finger, to protect myself. Even on my birthday, he spent much more than the price of that cabin or that cheapest hotel to take me to the nice concert because his friends were going there and we ended up planning a surprise for his friends who were thinking we would not make it to the concert rather than surprising me on my birthday or doing smth for just the two of us. He has an apartment that needs renovation in order to move in, but even when he gets a better job and more money to renovate it, it always comes last because he first needs to buy special equipment for the small business he is running. I have always encouraged him hoping that he would work things out for him to be able to work things out for us, and then we agreed to split expanses of renovating his apartment. But things did not go well with his job and I ended up giving all my thoughts, energy, and most of my salary to planning and paying for the renovation, to the point that I missed the appointments with my doctors, was not able to buy things for myself and spend nights studying to keep my new job with higher salary and he would not even take the cheapest bus to my house to see me and take a walk with me to the park. Then we would get to the shop to buy things for the renovation and he would choose the most expensive ones and would be upset that I preferred to not pay so much money because there are a lot of things we need to buy and we would not be able to finish the renovation for years. He would not listen and then I would agree. When things get better at his job he helps me a little financially but depends mostly on me. He would buy expensive shoes and clothes with little chance and money left and started joking around about what I was wearing, how I looked, why I felt sick, why I lost weight, why I did not have any ideas on what to do or why I do not see what movie premiers there are to suggest going to the theater, and when I tell him because I am tired thinking about everything, planning everything and make everything happen he gets upsets.
He could not give me a ring yet, because he still couldn't plan even a small surprise, he bought gifts for my parents and asked them the permission to marry me and is spending a lot of time with me and my family because we really showed him love, but has never invited us to meet his parents.
We have spoken about all these. He apologized and said that he needed time to plan everything and promised not to complain about things that I can not change at the moment. But then again for the third time yesterday, he told me he does not like that I am not affectionate, and he does not believe that I love him or I am interested in him and that he is sitting there thinking about maybe spending time with someone else, saying to me that he does not care about the apartment's renovation (I have had surgery because I buy the most expensive things he wants for that renovation and am left with no money every month to take care of myself but he does not care now?) because anyways the renovation is taking so long and he still can not be with me and he is struggling because he wants to be me with me but it just won't happen and that anyways I do not initiate intimacy anymore so nothing matters and that no man will like me and to help the relationship I need to change something.
I do not want to end the relationship of 4 years having done so much. I would characterize him as kind, positive, energetic, attentive, always willing to help, and adventurous but I think he got lazy and very secure. I do not want him to cry to get back to me again, instead, I want him to really understand what's wrong before getting back and for us to really work on it. Maybe there is something that I am doing wrong? How do I make him understand that I can't fulfill more than I do now? Or should I just give up?
