MIL Made Extremely Rude Comment

[niceknowingyou45]

4 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

Because she secretly hates me always has . No, I don’t care. I am glad she gives money to her son who she constantly shafts and her only grandchild. I am happy when my beloveds get something . I adore them. His relationship with his mom isn’t about me . 

His mother hates you yet he continues a relationship with her despite that she treats you unkindly.  You don't find that problematic that he is accepting all of these gifts and everything even though there is a slight towards his wife.  

[niceknowingyou45]

5 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Well you're not his wife yet but nevertheless he IS sharing with you, you just posted it.

I'm not quite getting what you're going on about now.  About a fiancé or husband/wife not sharing gifted money.

Other than he shows no discretion with what he chooses to tell you, just as what was advised with the dinner situation, let it go.

Mom gave him money, he's sharing with you and NOT keeping for himself (your words).

Please stop catastrophizing and move on from it.

It's time.

 

Ok yes I am not his wife yet but we have been together many years and have a set wedding date.  We have conducted ourselves as married for a while and are fully committed to each other.  Semantics need to stop.  

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, niceknowingyou45 said:

Ok yes I am not his wife yet but we have been together many years and have a set wedding date.  We have conducted ourselves as married for a while and are fully committed to each other.  Semantics need to stop.  

What?  You missed my entire point, are you okay?  Serious question.

My point was he IS sharing the money with you even though you're not his wife yet.

He's not obligated to, even IF you were his wife. Yet he IS anyway..

Your own words "He isn't keeping it all for himself."..

Why do you insist on viewing everything in the negative?  Honestly, I've never seen anything like it - this degree of negativity.

Seek individual counseling if you have to, but....LET IT GO.

 

 

[Seraphim]

15 minutes ago, niceknowingyou45 said:

His mother hates you yet he continues a relationship with her despite that she treats you unkindly.  You don't find that problematic that he is accepting all of these gifts and everything even though there is a slight towards his wife.  

Nope. I don’t care . He spends 99.9% of his life with me. We lived four hours  away and now 2 hours away and soon 9 hours away. She isn’t an every day feature in my life. Why spend my life tied in knots about petty shyte ? Plus a few hundred or 20’s here and there aren’t an issue for me . The principle of it isn’t even an issue for me because every family does things differently . I am only mad when she does something to my husband or my son. Plus she is 89 years old. I will be in his life another 30 years after she is gone . 

[Batya33]

I brought substantial financial assets into the marriage. So did my husband. Much of it is separate. I get $ from my mom for my bday etc and it’s mine. I’m not expected to share with my husband nor would he want me to. I’ve used my personal assets to pay for family expenses when I was a SAHM. I put my salary now into our joint account. So does he. Every couple does it differently. He’s used his pre marital assets for us too I’m sure or he would. I consider if his. I consider any inheritance he gets his too. 

[Jaunty]

16 hours ago, midnightdeirdre said:

Isn’t his mom giving him a $500 check as an engagement present and saying “Only spend this on yourself, not with you fiancé” is like giving twin babies a double crib but telling their mother “Only use it for one”?

There is almost no way that the woman actually said that.  If she did say it (or for that matter did not) and the boyfriend relayed it to the OP, that is psycho on his part.  

OP is on a mission to make sure that the guy and his mother are not connected in any way that she does not have means to control.   

[Jaunty]

x

[Jaunty]

15 hours ago, niceknowingyou45 said:

And even after we are married? Why is she still treating her son like a child instead of part of a unit? Instead of seeing him as just her son seeing him as a unit with him and his wife because that his relationship with his wife is his primary relationship.

Look.  You seem to be in the grip of an obsession.  You are NOT MARRIED. 

This thread is full of people who are or have been married.  They have experienced having in-laws.  Some of us have experienced BEING in-laws.

There is probably not a single one among that population who would find it outrageous for the parents of a married INDIVIDUAL (key word there:  "individual") a money gift.

But you are not open to input from people with experience - of being married and / or of having adult children.  

In case you actually do ever get married and (heaven forbid, unless some sea change takes place within you) become a parent, you will understand that your kid is ALWAYS your kid.   

As I told you before, my daughter is 34 and in a committed relationship, she is also the VP of a big corporation, and SHE IS STILL MY DAUGHTER.  She's not a child .. but she is MY child.   If I want to slip her some cash or give her something special, I'm doing it, she is accepting it, and her partner would not ever dream of being offended.   They would be happy for her.  

The time does NOT EVER COME when a parent ONLY sees their own child as "A UNIT" with their spouse,  as you keep insisting this woman must do.

Maybe in some super conservative religious groups.  But not in the general population of loving families.  

Also, when a couple marries, it is up to BOTH of the newlyweds to do what they can to forge a GOOD relationship with their new in-laws, in service of a long and happy familial relationship.   

You are determined to spin this into a terrible story about the mother of your boyfriend.

The more you go at it though, the worse you are making yourself look ... and now, your boyfriend as well.

[boltnrun]

You can continue to be terribly offended at everything your future MIL says and does. Or you can trust your fiance and trust that your relationship with him will be secure and loving. No matter what anyone says or does. 

You could also insist your fiance repeatedly assure you that you "come first" with him, guaranteeing you'll create upset and turmoil. Or you could trust that he'll do his best to be a good husband to you. 

And I fully expect you to quadruple down with a multi-paragraph rebuttal about how you're "right". 

[niceknowingyou45]

48 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

Look.  You seem to be in the grip of an obsession.  You are NOT MARRIED. 

This thread is full of people who are or have been married.  They have experienced having in-laws.  Some of us have experienced BEING in-laws.

There is probably not a single one among that population who would find it outrageous for the parents of a married INDIVIDUAL (key word there:  "individual") a money gift.

But you are not open to input from people with experience - of being married and / or of having adult children.  

In case you actually do ever get married and (heaven forbid, unless some sea change takes place within you) become a parent, you will understand that your kid is ALWAYS your kid.   

As I told you before, my daughter is 34 and in a committed relationship, she is also the VP of a big corporation, and SHE IS STILL MY DAUGHTER.  She's not a child .. but she is MY child.   If I want to slip her some cash or give her something special, I'm doing it, she is accepting it, and her partner would not ever dream of being offended.   They would be happy for her.  

The time does NOT EVER COME when a parent ONLY sees their own child as "A UNIT" with their spouse,  as you keep insisting this woman must do.

Maybe in some super conservative religious groups.  But not in the general population of loving families.  

Also, when a couple marries, it is up to BOTH of the newlyweds to do what they can to forge a GOOD relationship with their new in-laws, in service of a long and happy familial relationship.   

You are determined to spin this into a terrible story about the mother of your boyfriend.

The more you go at it though, the worse you are making yourself look ... and now, your boyfriend as well.

My fiance just confirmed with me that my FMIL did in fact say to only spend the money on himself.  You say that your adult daughter will accept it?  Isn't forcing her to accept it being controlling on your end.  What if she didn't want to accept it?

I just don't want after the marriage my MIL to be continuing to treat my husband like a man child slipping him cash and little things here and there randomly as if he is a little boy getting allowance money.  It's implying that I am not doing my job in the marriage and providing for my family, plus it's undermining to me as his wife.  I want to be the one to be the one who helps contributes financially and does those little gifts.  

It literally says that a married couple becomes one flesh.  Meaning that my fiance will be marrying me and forming a union with me as his wife and we are forming our own family unit.  Our lives are intertwined.  His mom can pass him all the money in the world but joke is on her because of course I will benefit in some positive way because we are married and we share a life together.  So say he puts it towards a down payment of a car well again the car naturally would be a benefit to me as well.

His mother can continue to assert her dominance after her son is married with a wife and exclude me or she can realize she isn't in the driver seat of my husband's life anymore, get with the program, and not exclude me.  If she wants to continue to baby her son and exclude me that's fine but I can guarantee you come one day to Sunday she will not like the outcome of how her relationship ends up with her son.  Excluding the most important woman in his life and the potential mother of her grandkids not the best move lady.

[Wiseman2]

13 minutes ago, niceknowingyou45 said:

My fiance just confirmed with me that my FMIL did in fact say to only spend the money on himself.  

Hopefully premarital counseling can help you two communicate more honestly openly and help with conflict resolution skills.  Your fiance is the problem. 

[Seraphim]

Girl, you are 100% headed for divorce by 5 years time . 

[Batya33]

Find a man who feels as you do. About money which I hear is the top reason couples argue (we don’t - not that I can recall- perhaps minor disagreements at times?). He does not. Most don’t. Even at least where I live in the US there is certain communal assets due to marriage but not all. Not presumptively. But for sure I defer to couples who both feel this way about finances. Your fiancée doesn’t. It’s important to you apparently. So find someone who does to avoid all this negativity and strife and pulling rank. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, niceknowingyou45 said:

 she will not like the outcome of how her relationship ends up with her son.  

It's sad to read that at a time most couples are enjoying bliss and planning their wedding and futures, you're completely wrapped up in hate and revenge against your fiance's mother.

Keep in mind, engagement is a promise to marry, it is not being married. You're fiance can call it off at any time. 

[Jaunty]

3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Keep in mind, engagement is a promise to marry, it is not being married. You're fiance can call it off at any time. 

Maybe  the boyfriend will experience a Christmas miracle and see the light.  

[Tinydance]

OK look, as much as you want your MIL to love and adore you as the daughter she never had, invite you to dinners and give you $500, I don't think she actually HAS to do this. I think it's very common for parents to only love their actual child as their own and not their husband or wife or whoever. There are also people who are really different. Parents in law can range from anything to truly awful and hateful to super loving and super generous. There are also MIL's who are in the middle. They accept you and respect you, but they aren't your bestie or "second mother".

For example, my mother is a lovely person but my Dad's parents were basically snobs and jerks. They were really rude to my Mum and they didn't take much interest in me either. At my parents' wedding, my grandfather got drunk and began to loudly say to my Dad: "Don't do this! I think you're making a mistake". Like, what?!!

I don't think that your MIL is necessarily some kind of horrible witch or necessarily trying to exclude you deliberately. She seems very attached to her son. She wants alone Mummy and son time, she wants to spoil him with $500 for him to treat himself. I don't think it automatically means she dislikes you or she's deliberately plotting something against you.

Your expectations of what your MIL has to do towards you or how to treat you is in my opinion really high. You seem to expect her to love her as your own daughter and go above and beyond as for her own child. You are talking about human dynamics and connections. It doesn't mean there's something wrong with you but some people might just not feel a super strong connection. Why do you really care if she loves you as her own, does it matter? For example my MIL is a huge fruit loop and I actually deliberately keep my contact with her to a necessary minimum lol

Also when you're talking about a relationship, you're talking about two people in that relationship. So your fiance is one of those people. The way a relationship dynamic works is both people are contributing to it. One person at any time can say: "Hey I need to change XYZ, I need to set XYZ boundary." If that person isn't doing that then they are either fine with things just as they are, they like it just as they are, or they are too cowardly or co-dependent to change things. 

You kept saying that how dare MIL track your fiance's location or be on his bank account. Well this went on all his adult life. And even to track someone they need to download the tracking app themselves and click to allow permission to be tracked. It's not like your fiance's Mum hacked his phone or bank account. Everything was consensual and he wanted it to be this way. 

Also she gave the $500 and said it was for him but he could have told you: "I got this $500 from Mum, let's go see what we want to get for the wedding." Your fiance is playing along with everything so I don't think you can just villanise the MIL.

You were talking about why do people air their relationship dirty laundry to their MIL or other people. Well the way MIL would know it is if her child came to her themselves by their own will. Again, if the MIL isn't actually hacking or wire tapping anything, then this information is being given to her voluntarily. 

 

[MissCanuck]

13 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

And why did he report this to you? 

He isn't stupid. He knew this would upset you. So why did he tell you? 

Quoting myself here. 

@niceknowingyou45, what is the answer to this question? 

[mylolita]

I’m from the old school place where, an engaged couple, long term couple, or married couple - there is no one’s “own money” - it is all “the couples money”. 
 

You become a team and as one. So if his mum gives him money, that’s up to her, but realistically, it should just go in your joint account or wedding fund, to be spent or saved how you both see fit, not all for himself for him to keep only. This works both ways.

 

My Dad also gave me some money towards our wedding, and he gave my younger sister the same amount at the time even though she wasn’t getting married. Me and my husband used it jointly towards the wedding, and it actually went towards putting guests up in a local hotel near the garden we got married in, and buying champagne for everyone. I didn’t tell my husband about it then keep it to myself! 
 

I believe you’re a team now and everything is shared and for the sake of both of you.

 

His money is your money, your money is his money.

 

x

[Tinydance]

7 minutes ago, mylolita said:

I’m from the old school place where, an engaged couple, long term couple, or married couple - there is no one’s “own money” - it is all “the couples money”. 
 

You become a team and as one. So if his mum gives him money, that’s up to her, but realistically, it should just go in your joint account or wedding fund, to be spent or saved how you both see fit, not all for himself for him to keep only. This works both ways.

 

My Dad also gave me some money towards our wedding, and he gave my younger sister the same amount at the time even though she wasn’t getting married. Me and my husband used it jointly towards the wedding, and it actually went towards putting guests up in a local hotel near the garden we got married in, and buying champagne for everyone. I didn’t tell my husband about it then keep it to myself! 
 

I believe you’re a team now and everything is shared and for the sake of both of you.

 

His money is your money, your money is his money.

 

x

Well I agree with this as well. Her fiance shouldn't have mentioned anything about that the cheque was only for him and just spend if together. 

[rainbowsandroses]

2 hours ago, mylolita said:

I believe you’re a team now and everything is shared and for the sake of both of you.

@mylolitaI'm wondering if you've read all the posts because the OP posted he IS sharing the money; her words were "he's not keeping for himself."

I don't know what compelled him to tell OP his mom said it's only for him other than to create conflict and cause drama between the OP and his mom, knowing how OP feels about her.

IMO, it"s similar to a man pitting two women he's dating against each other creating jealousy and conflict, except in this case it's between his mom and the OP.  

This would suggest imo he has a very unhealthy and inappropriate connection with his mother. 

At this point after 20 pages, it's become clear he's somewhat of a man-child, it's just so obvious, at least to me.

And in the OP, he's found another mother.  That's their dynamic.  She's the 'parent,' he's the child.

OP doesn't see it but the traits she accuses his mom of possessing (controlling, dominant), she herself posseses. 

It's sad she refuses to see it, but I hope when emotions settle, she at least considers it and either looks within herself and owns how she is contributing to this mess or ends the relationship.

Frankly I hope it's the latter.

JMO

 

 

 

[Tinydance]

59 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

@mylolitaI'm wondering if you've read all the posts because the OP posted he IS sharing the money; her words were "he's not keeping for himself."

I don't know what compelled him to tell OP his mom said it's only for him other than to create conflict and cause drama between the OP and his mom, knowing how OP feels about her.

IMO, it"s similar to a man pitting two women he's dating against each other creating jealousy and conflict, except in this case it's between his mom and the OP.  

This suggests he has a very unhealthy and inappropriate relationship with his mother. 

At this point after 20 pages, it's become clear he's somewhat of a man-child, it's just so obvious, at least to me.

And in the OP, he's found another mother.  That's their dynamic.  She's the 'parent,' he's the child.

OP doesn't see it but the traits she accuses his mom of possessing (controlling, dominant), she herself posseses. 

It's sad she refuses to see it, but I hope when emotions settle, she at least considers it and either looks within herself and owns how she is contributing to this mess or ends the relationship.

Frankly I hope it's the latter.

JMO

 

 

 

YES. 

[Seraphim]

I agree, he has two mothers now. 

[Wiseman2]

On 12/16/2023 at 12:56 PM, niceknowingyou45 said:

MIL Made Extremely Rude Comment

Actually your fiance is now making "rude comments", by telling you the money is only for him.  Were you hoping the engagement would be so monumental that it would finally stop him from being a mama' s boy?  

[Batya33]

On 12/17/2023 at 12:28 AM, MissCanuck said:

Quoting myself here. 

@niceknowingyou45, what is the answer to this 

[Batya33]

To me it’s a top priority for a married couple to have separate assets too. If possible. And we were in our 40s. I don’t think it wise to have combined assets before marriage or legal commitment other than maybe a wedding fund. I felt good contributing from my pre marital assets when I was a SAHM. my husband didn’t ask or need me to. I liked doing it. And knowing it was my money originally. 
I think the groom to be doesn’t have their best interests at heart with his comments about the gift or how he handled the engagement dinner.