Husband takes off ring in anger

[redsox22]

Heyl I’m looking for some guidance. I’ve been married for almost 4 years. We have had some rocky times but I feel like we have really come to understand each other much better. My issue is that when my husband gets angry he sometimes threatens divorce and on several occasions has taken off his wedding ring given it back to me. When he calms down, he reconciles and tells me he never meant it and he was just acting out of anger.
 

I have expressed to him how hurtful this is and how it makes me doubt his commitment to our marriage. He says he doesn’t mean it and he is only acting out of anger. He has gotten help from a therapist to manage his anger and it has gotten much better, I told him the last time he took off his ring that I wouldn’t put up with that anymore and that if he takes it off he better mean it. He took it off again yesterday during an argument. I just walked away and told him I didn’t want to talk  anymore I don’t know what to do to get through to him that this really undermines my confidence in our marriage. I can’t just forget about it after he calms down. I do love him and I know he loves me, but I cannot get through to him how hurtful this is and how damaging it is . Help! 

[Batya33]

What are the disagreements typically about ? I'm sorry you're struggling.

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, redsox22 said:

. My issue is that when my husband gets angry he sometimes threatens divorce and on several occasions has taken off his wedding ring given it back to me. 
 He says he doesn’t mean it and he is only acting out of anger. He has gotten help from a therapist to manage his anger and it has gotten much better,

Sorry this is happening. What are the arguments about? Does he manufacture chaos and these arguments out of the blue? They seem cyclical in nature. This is a huge red flag. 

He does understand how hurtful it is, that's why he does it. To keep you unbalanced, feeling threatened and under his thumb.  

Please read up on abusive relationships.  Unfortunately "anger management" rarely helps because it's motivated by power and control (which he enjoys and gets off on), not anger. 

You have already noticed how he can turn his "anger" on and off like a switch. He does it to hurt you. So telling him it hurts you is pointless.

Talking to an abuser about your feelings is like loading the gun they'll shoot you with, it's just ammunition for them. Talking about your hurt or feelings is like blood for a shark, it makes them want to attack. 

Please privately and confidentiality (do not tell him), see a qualified therapist for ongoing support and frankly discuss the emotional abuse. 

[redsox22]

Thanks for the replies. The arguments are typically about differences in parenting styles.  We are a blended family. We have found ways to compromise on a lot of things and some of the kids are out of the house in college now so issues are fewer.
 

He has a trigger when it comes to his kids. They lost their mother at a young age and he thinks the world should revolve around them. I have more balanced approach and think they should be held accountable for their choices and be taught skills to handle adversaries and conflict.

[catfeeder]

1 minute ago, redsox22 said:

he has a trigger when it comes to his kids. They lost their mother at a young age and he thinks the works should revolve around them. I have more balanced approach and think they should be held accountable for their choices. 

What does this mean, exactly?

He's been raising his kids since they lost their mother, and he doesn't sound open to your opinion about that. So what is it, exactly, that causes you to criticize his parenting?

[Wiseman2]

13 minutes ago, redsox22 said:

I have more balanced approach and think they should be held accountable for their choices and be taught skills to handle adversaries and conflict.

Unfortunately, even as a "blended family", his children are 100% his responsibility. A stepparent, legally, has no rights whatsoever in their lives. Please discontinue arguing about his parenting. However, if he's as abusive as you described, please see a therapist to discuss this. 

[Andrina]

11 minutes ago, redsox22 said:

They lost their mother at a young age and he thinks the world should revolve around them. I

What does this mean? That his time with you is limited because he's spending a lot of time catering to them? Does he cancel plans with you because he's racing out to help them? Does it impact you financially as a couple, if he's providing them with a lot of unnecessary funds? 

[redsox22]

Thank you for all the replies. What we are arguing about is less important at this moment than dealing with the issue that he takes off his ring. I was only providing context on why we were arguing in response to some questions. The issue that I am looking for guidance on is how do I handle him handing me his wedding ring in a moment of anger? 

These incidents are not frequent, but when this happens, it’s extremely hurtful. I know he feels remorse afterwards and he’s apologetic, but it creates a big sense of insecurity for me and I have a hard time moving past this after we have resolved our differences.
 

The last time he did this which was maybe a year  ago I told him I couldn’t keep coming back from this because it’s too painful. He promised he would never take off his ring again in anger. I’m not sure what to do at this point since he did it yet again. 
 

 

[Batya33]

Just now, redsox22 said:

The issue that I am looking for guidance on is how do I handle him handing me his wedding ring in a moment of anger? 

Giving guidance without real context would be bad advice IMO or simply unhelpful.

[redsox22]

I’m not looking for advice on how to handle  parenting in a blended family. I know that there are a wide variety of opinions on this matter and I don’t want to get lost in the weeds here. 
 

We’ve gotten help in learning how to communicate better, and it’s made a big difference in our relationship. My issue is when he is very angry. He resorts to escalating and taking off his ring. He’s gotten much better about not doing this, but it happened again the other day, and I am really struggling in how to handle this. He knows that it’s not OK after he calms down but it’s really damaging to our relationship. I’m just wondering if anybody’s been through this and has any recommendations on how to approach this 

 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

15 minutes ago, redsox22 said:

. He knows that it’s not OK after he calms down but it’s really damaging to our relationship. I’m just wondering if anybody’s been through this and has any recommendations on how to approach this

Please read up on abusive relationships. It's cyclical and he knows it hurts you:

https://www.thehotline.org/identify-abuse/domestic-abuse-warning-signs/

[Andrina]

Communication hasn't worked. Marital counseling would be the next step and anger management classes for him.

[Wiseman2]

13 hours ago, redsox22 said:

 He has gotten help from a therapist to manage his anger and it has gotten much better, I told him the last time he took off his ring that I wouldn’t put up with that anymore and that if he takes it off he better mean it. He took it off again yesterday.

Anger management doesn't seem to be helping, if he's still threatening divorce and having tantrums to keep you unbalanced.

Marital therapy is contraindicated in abusive relationships. Please privately and confidentiality see your own qualified therapist for ongoing support. Please do not tell him. You need a space to speak frankly and freely in private. 

Please stop begging and grovelling and giving him all the power. Instead privately and confidentiality consult an attorney for information support and advice in your situation. Get this attorney on speed dial. 

Next time he wants to shut you up and shut you down by throwing his wedding ring at you, say fine, then call the attorney back and begin filing for divorce. 

[Jaunty]

People want to know the nature of the fights because with the limited information you've given - He threatens divorce and hands you the ring - is making him out to possibly be emotionally abusing you.

If you have deep problems which you are a participant in,  maybe he is not an emotional abuser with you as a victim.

Regardless, it's fighting dirty to do the ring thing.

[boltnrun]

He doesn't do this because he's angry. He does it to hurt you. It's his perfect revenge on you for getting into his parenting business, in HIS opinion. It sure shuts you up, doesn't it?

Yes, the reasons why you two argue IS relevant. 

I agree with what Wiseman suggested.

[lostandhurt]

Let's call this what it is.  He is threatening you with leaving you each and every time he does this to have power over you and the situation/marriage.  "If you disagree with me I am done with you"

 Is this the marriage you want?  A husband with one foot out the door every time there is a disagreement?

This is not a healthy marriage and not a healthy place to raise children because they are imprinting on how relationships are and should be.

  Being a step parent is not easy and he is making it impossible.  Time to have a serious talk on whether this marriage should continue or not.  I know he says he is sorry but so does the husband that beats his wife, it doesn't make the beating go away does it?

Lost

[redsox22]

I think a conversation on the state  of our marriage is called for. We have come along way in resolving differences and finding better ways of handling conflict but this is some thing that I cannot support. 
 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, redsox22 said:

I think a conversation on the state  of our marriage is called for. We have come along way in resolving differences and finding better ways of handling conflict but this is some thing that I cannot support

Unfortunately you've already had this conversation.  When talking doesn't help, talking more isn't the solution. And still he is taking off his ring in anger and threats. 

Perhaps stay in your own lane as far as parenting goes. Let him raise his children as he sees fit.

He's already seeing a therapist for his "anger", but you won't see a therapist for your concerns. Why is that? 

It seems he doesn't really want to be married to you anymore. But you want a different answer. 

[redsox22]

Just to be clear, I do you speak to a therapist, and we have spoken to a therapist together to help us navigate some of our challenges.  These incidents are not every day occurrences, but when they happen, they really affect me significantly.

[Wiseman2]

9 minutes ago, redsox22 said:

.These incidents are not every day occurrences, but when they happen, they really affect me significantly.

Well of course it affects you and hurts you but you are asking the source of your pain to fix your pain. Basically you are asking him to stop hurting you but he does it anyway. Then you are telling him it hurts you and want him to fix that.

If he wanted to stop hurting you, he would. However you seem to hope for a "Sound of Music" like fairytale where you are the beloved stepmother of a widowed man's children, however that's not the case here. He resents you and you resent him.

[catfeeder]

On 11/10/2023 at 6:44 AM, redsox22 said:

I’m not looking for advice on how to handle  parenting in a blended family. I know that there are a wide variety of opinions on this matter and I don’t want to get lost in the weeds here. 
 

We’ve gotten help in learning how to communicate better, and it’s made a big difference in our relationship. My issue is when he is very angry. He resorts to escalating and taking off his ring. He’s gotten much better about not doing this, but it happened again the other day, and I am really struggling in how to handle this. He knows that it’s not OK after he calms down but it’s really damaging to our relationship. I’m just wondering if anybody’s been through this and has any recommendations on how to approach this 

 

 

 

I get this, and you don’t need to debate parenting with us. But asking him to stop the threats to end your marriage hasn’t worked, and so the weeds is where you’ll need to go with him.

You mentioned a marriage counselor in the past tense, but this larger issue is current. If husband perceives you as inserting yourself between him and his children, and this prompts him to take his gloves off (the ring) to fight dirty, then wouldn’t it be a good idea to address this with a counselor who can help you both to navigate with some reasonable guardrails?

[Batya33]

7 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

I get this, and you don’t need to debate parenting with us. But asking him to stop the threats to end your marriage hasn’t worked, and so the weeds is where you’ll need to go with him.

You mentioned a marriage counselor in the past tense, but this larger issue is current. If husband perceives you as inserting yourself between him and his children, and this prompts him to take his gloves off (the ring) to fight dirty, then wouldn’t it be a good idea to address this with a counselor who can help you both to navigate with some reasonable guardrails?

Yes and to clarify I didn’t mean to debate parenting either. But information on context or “the trigger “ to me is essential to providing input. For example if the ring comes off because again you forgot to take out the garbage that’s different than you again were arguing about parenting.  

[Starlight925]

For me, the arguments about parenting aren't the issue.

If you both got on the same page about parenting, he'd pick another argument.

He's using the ring as an emotional tool of control.

I'm mad at you for X, so Y (the ring) comes off.  See how upset I can make you?

I had a husband who did that.  Key word:  Had.

[catfeeder]

5 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Yes and to clarify I didn’t mean to debate parenting either. But information on context or “the trigger “ to me is essential to providing input. For example if the ring comes off because again you forgot to take out the garbage that’s different than you again were arguing about parenting.  

Yes, and I don’t think either of us are saying that a given context justifies his behavior. It’s the place to start.

Attempting to understand even where an adversary is coming from is advantageous, but when it comes to a partner who you love and want to keep, it’s crucial. When you consider that most parents are vigilant about their children even on a good day, it’s likely that becoming widowed with children can make one hyper-vigilant. That’s not an excuse to flip into adversarial territory with you, but it’s also not likely conscious in that moment.

I don’t own the skills to deal with someone who reacts to current situations through an old trauma, but there are people who are trained in this stuff. I’d hire one.

Wishing you the best.

[boltnrun]

I believe what the arguments are about is relevant.  For example, if you're upset because "I asked Son to take out the trash and he told me to do it myself", that's different from "Why are you always filling up Son's gas tank?  He's old enough to pay for his own gas."

But whatever it is, your husband is using taking off his wedding ring as a weapon.  He knows it hurts you, so he does it deliberately.  And that is not productive.  Or loving.

I don't think it's a matter of not managing his anger.  It's that he thinks deliberately doing something he knows for a fact upsets and hurts you is OK.