My best friend won't talk to me after I went back to my boyfriend

[freckledfrog99]

I am a woman btw, and in a heterosexual relationship - we also live together. I went back home overseas recently to see friends and family and my best friends confronted me about my partner and how his actions and words towards me are in fact abusive and toxic. I did go back to see them because I deep down needed a break from him, and get some advice on the relationship as it hasn't always been making me feel good about myself. And what they told me was fair and they were right. It did give me a new perspective on my relationship.

My friends thought (and still do) it would be in my best interest to not go back to him, but I decided to go back in the end. It is too hard to explain in this one text, but I do love him deeply and it is not that easy to leave right now, plus I have a whole new life over here with new people that I have come to care about and love. I am also not financially able to leave the home I share with him, so if I did want to leave I would have to leave the country and go home.

I did take into account everything my friends said and respect it, but it's a very tough call for me to make. Since coming back, one of my best friends has stopped talking to me and I have been told by a mutual friend that she needs space right now. I respect her decision, but I sort of feel pretty stung. I have always had her back during times when I don't necessarily agree with her decisions, and stuck by her. I understand she is upset and disappointed, but to just stop talking to me seems a bit harsh? I don't know what to do, or if I am making the right decisions. The place I am in now is technically better for a chance of career growth and travel, but sometimes I wonder maybe I should return - it just would feel like I am taking steps back in my life. I'm struggling, any advice or opinions would be appreciated.

[Wiseman2]

14 minutes ago, freckledfrog99 said:

 I am also not financially able to leave the home I share with him, so if I did want to leave I would have to leave the country and go home.

Sorry this is happening. Do you have family or friends you could stay with? Do you work? In what ways is your BF toxic and abusive? Why are you in his country rather than yours?

Unfortunately your friends are not therapists and seem to have given you the best advice they can, but at some point if all you do is complain to them about him,  then choose to stay, they have no other option but to distance themselves.

If there are domestic violence agencies where you are you can contact them for information support advice and practical help.

However be prepared that they will also advise you to leave rather than put up with abuse for financial reasons. 

[freckledfrog99]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. Do you have family or friends you could stay with? Do you work? In what ways is your BF toxic and abusive? Why are you in his country rather than yours?

Unfortunately your friends are not therapists and seem to have given you the best advice they can, but at some point if all you do is complain to them about then choose to stay, they have no other option but to distance themselves.

If there are domestic violence agencies where you are you can contact them for information support advice and practical help.

However be prepared that they will also advise you to leave rather than put up with abuse for financial reasons. 

I am currently not working and still on the job hunt, and I don't really have family I could stay with. It is a long story but I moved to this country on my own and then met him. I was staying with a family member at the time but they one day gave me 2 weeks notice to move out (there was no bad blood, per say) and so as I had nowhere to go, he offered me to stay with him, and then it just stuck I guess. He has always done lovely things for me, but there tends to be a lot of gaslighting and manipulation (for example when I have suggested me staying with a friend or something to take stress away from him, he has told me I am 'giving up' on the relationship and everything I am working towards). I know I sound crazy for staying even though I know these things, it is just so hard and I don't feel very strong I guess. I guess in my mind I am waiting to get the job that will allow me to move into my own space, and go from there...

[catfeeder]

2 hours ago, freckledfrog99 said:

I went back home overseas recently to see friends and family and my best friends confronted me about my partner and how his actions and words towards me are in fact abusive and toxic.

Have any of these friends or family offered to put you up in order to transition away from this guy?

[MissCanuck]

10 hours ago, catfeeder said:

Have any of these friends or family offered to put you up in order to transition away from this guy?

I think OP lives overseas so they wouldn't be able to put her up. OP, can you clarify if any of them live in your current country of residence? 

[catfeeder]

6 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

I think OP lives overseas so they wouldn't be able to put her up. OP, can you clarify if any of them live in your current country of residence? 

Wul, yeah. But she doesn't have a job and lives with the guy.  And they don't want her to live with him.

So, did any of them say, "You'd be welcome to stay here in my home until you land a job and earn enough money to decide whether you'll want to stay here or go back to the other country with enough money to start off solo."?

While it makes no sense to live with a toxic person while trying to do that, did any of her loved ones offer her a better solution?

[Starlight925]

What's happened is that your friends have tired of hearing the same stories about him, over and over, a hamster on a wheel, where you nod and say thanks, that sounds plausible, but then you go on with him, and they have to hear it....over, and over, and over again.

They have lost respect for you, and people want to be friends with people they respect.

I say this as someone who is almost at the end of my own rope with a friend I've had for 13 years.  I'm slowly distancing myself from her.  She, too, is in a toxic situation, 3+ years now, and I just don't have the bandwidth to deal.  And yes, I've lost the respect I once had, which in turn makes me feel bad about myself.

People want to share about their own lives too, not just listen, analyze, give advice, for your toxic situation.

In my case, I had this epiphany recently where I feel like I'm her Emotional Support Animal.  I feel like I should have a collar on that says "Don't Pet Me, I'm Starlight's Friend's Emotional Support Animal".

[Jaunty]

If a person is in a toxic situation,  and they use their friends as sounding boards and to be on the receiving end of venting regularly, it's not uncommon for those friends to ultimately distance themselves.  

It's emotionally draining to be present and receive a lot of negativity, but "that's what friends are for"... up to a point.

Trying to be supportive of a friend who is in a toxic / abusive relationship is very similar to being friends with a drug addict who spends a lot of time going on to their friends about how sick they are from their addiction, how they need to quit, etc - but just keep right on with the self destruction.

There is only so much someone can hang in for that.

[Jaunty]

7 hours ago, catfeeder said:

So, did any of them say, "You'd be welcome to stay here in my home until you land a job and earn enough money to decide whether you'll want to stay here or go back to the other country with enough money to start off solo."?

While it makes no sense to live with a toxic person while trying to do that, did any of her loved ones offer her a better solution?

Evidently the OP could move away, back to her home country, which is where these friends live.  That option exists.   She doesn't want to because of a lot of reasons starting with "I LOVE HIM:"

Quote

"I do love him deeply and it is not that easy to leave right now, plus I have a whole new life over here with new people that I have come to care about and love. I am also not financially able to leave the home I share with him, so if I did want to leave I would have to leave the country and go home."

 

[Andrina]

I believe I might've read a past post from you if you're the same poster with a different profile name who has a child from a man you left in your former country. 

Whether or not that's the case, how long have you been in the country and seeking employment? Why do you think nobody has hired you yet? Is your bf the one who financed your travel back to visit your country? Do you, in fact, have children living with you?

[catfeeder]

1 hour ago, Jaunty said:

vidently the OP could move away, back to her home country, which is where these friends live.  That option exists.   She doesn't want to because of a lot of reasons starting with "I LOVE HIM:"

Thanks, Jaunty, I do get that. My question is specifically focused on whether the people who are upset about OP's choice are throwing stones without ever having stepped up to offer a valid alternative.

It's one thing to criticize, and it's quite another to offer actual help.

[MissCanuck]

7 hours ago, catfeeder said:

It's one thing to criticize, and it's quite another to offer actual help.

I live abroad as well. 

I would not judge my friends for not offering me a place to stay when they live in another country. It wouldn't occur to them that this is a viable or realistic option if I were in a bad spot, unless I had specifically said I was thinking of leaving the country. 

Is it an option in theory? Yes. Is it practical one by which I would measure ny friends' care for me? No, that wouldn't be fair. It isn't necessarily "actual help" when the logistics of leaving and moving back and often more complicated than you realize. It's an over-simplifaction of matters to assume she can go back, just like that. Ask me how I know! 

I would therefore caution OP against assuming her friends aren't there for her just because they haven't offered to put her up should she choose to go back. 

[catfeeder]

4 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

I live abroad as well. 

I would not judge my friends for not offering me a place to stay when they live in another country. It wouldn't occur to them that this is a viable or realistic option if I were in a bad spot, unless I had specifically said I was thinking of leaving the country. 

Is it an option in theory? Yes. Is it practical one by which I would measure ny friends' care for me? No, that wouldn't be fair. It isn't necessarily "actual help" when the logistics of leaving and moving back and often more complicated than you realize. It's an over-simplifaction of matters to assume she can go back, just like that. Ask me how I know! 

I would therefore caution OP against assuming her friends aren't there for her just because they haven't offered to put her up should she choose to go back. 

I hear. I'm trying to figure a potential 'why' behind the friend's reaction. If this is someone who has stepped up to invest in a better outcome by offering an alternative, then this might explain such a reaction. 

 

[itsallgrand]

You can't afford to stay there. What's there to decide? 

Would you even be there if he wasn't paying your way...no. 

Your focus should be on standing on your own two feet, not some guy. 

 

[boltnrun]

A former coworker left her husband and asked me if she could rent my spare room. I told her I would consider it. Turned out, her husband was stalking and threatening her and had come to the place she was staying (relative's house) with a gun, threatening to shoot them both. Police were called and he was jailed for 48 hours and released and told to be a good boy. So this relative told her she needed to find somewhere else to stay as the relative had children and was concerned. Once I learned of this I told her sorry, but I can't put myself at risk like that. I suggested she contact a couple of local women's shelters or a social worker and ask for assistance. I don't know what she ended up doing, but she seemed safe as she continued to come to work. 

Sometimes offering a place to stay isn't a great idea despite good intentions.

But I would strongly recommend doing whatever you can to secure some kind of employment so you can at least have the option to get your own place. 

[itsallgrand]

36 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

A former coworker left her husband and asked me if she could rent my spare room. I told her I would consider it. Turned out, her husband was stalking and threatening her and had come to the place she was staying (relative's house) with a gun, threatening to shoot them both. Police were called and he was jailed for 48 hours and released and told to be a good boy. So this relative told her she needed to find somewhere else to stay as the relative had children and was concerned. Once I learned of this I told her sorry, but I can't put myself at risk like that. I suggested she contact a couple of local women's shelters or a social worker and ask for assistance. I don't know what she ended up doing, but she seemed safe as she continued to come to work. 

Sometimes offering a place to stay isn't a great idea despite good intentions.

But I would strongly recommend doing whatever you can to secure some kind of employment so you can at least have the option to get your own place. 

Many years ago, a friend of mine told me of the terrible treatment her boyfriend at the time was dishing out. She lived with the guy. She asked me to help her get her stuff and said she wanted to leave him. I said yes and accompanied her to their apartment. He wasn't supposed to be there according to her but he was. Turned out, she was hiding his passport and other documentation. She had conveniently failed to tell me this. They were arguing and then he turned on me. To this day, I've never encountered someone with such raw hate in their eyes. I was scared, I don't get intimidated easily. She ended up staying with him. I left...ended the friendship after that. Most I've heard is from when I've ran into her relatives. 

I learned my lesson. People have to want to help themselves. People in abusive situations often feed off each other. I'm not getting in the way of any of that ever again. You can help by directing to resources and professionals, but beyond that it's better to distance so you don't end up in the line of fire.

 

 

[Jaunty]

I've been on both sides of the situation.  When I was in my druggie days, I was that friend who was always in crisis.   I had some very beloved friends who were always there for me until being there proved detrimental to their own lives.  I still do have them, because when I really was ready to do what was necessary to change myself and my life (which actually would not have involved living with them - that would have enabled me further) they were right there.  

And I had my friend with the partner who became known as "they who shall remain nameless."  My friend was putting up with abuse and, more:  they were even kind of reveling in it.  The drama, the embrace of victimhood, etc.  I did not cut them off but I did impose a boundary on talking about the details of the abuse. 

Even to this day, on this board,  I refuse to engage with people who want to catalog all the dire deeds their abusive (or in many cases simply idiotic) partner contributes to their relationship.

I think it's feeding the whole situation to do so.

Trying to help or even standing by when someone is delving into self destruction is not healthy, after a certain  point.

If the OP's best friend has reached a place where she needs to "take some space" from the OP's toxic relationship drama,  I'm sure the time and place where she could have OP living in her house has already passed.  

And, I'm sure everybody in the story knows that the OP can "move back home," whatever that may look like, when and if she chooses to get out of the sick relationship.

She hasn't reached that point.

[smackie9]

It is what it is, you are not ready yet...they say it can take over a dozen times to leave a toxic relationship. It's totally up to you. BUT don't go searching for support with them anymore. They pretty much gave you advice and supported you and yet you go back to him....that's a hard slap to the face. That's you choosing this abusive guy over your loving family and friends. So honestly I don't blame your friend or anyone for walking away. 

[freckledfrog99]

On 11/6/2023 at 4:25 AM, Starlight925 said:

What's happened is that your friends have tired of hearing the same stories about him, over and over, a hamster on a wheel, where you nod and say thanks, that sounds plausible, but then you go on with him, and they have to hear it....over, and over, and over again.

They have lost respect for you, and people want to be friends with people they respect.

I say this as someone who is almost at the end of my own rope with a friend I've had for 13 years.  I'm slowly distancing myself from her.  She, too, is in a toxic situation, 3+ years now, and I just don't have the bandwidth to deal.  And yes, I've lost the respect I once had, which in turn makes me feel bad about myself.

People want to share about their own lives too, not just listen, analyze, give advice, for your toxic situation.

In my case, I had this epiphany recently where I feel like I'm her Emotional Support Animal.  I feel like I should have a collar on that says "Don't Pet Me, I'm Starlight's Friend's Emotional Support Animal".

I completely see this point of view. I don't believe it has been quite the same situation in the sense that I am always venting to them etc... I actually only went home because said friend 'confronted' me over the phone as she said she and another friend had been worried as I always seemed vague and distant when I talked about him, plus other warning signs. I never talk negatively about him unless a friend really pushes me to do so - and I am grateful they did push me while I was back visiting as it made some things a lot clearer to me, and that I shouldn't feel I am a horrible person, and that he is in fact gaslighting me etc..

I am not sure if the others who responded to this post will see this (this is my first time using this site) but I do understand that when a friend you care about is venting over and over and not making any changes, that is toxic and it affects you as well having to hear it every time. I guess it's just this is the first time this has ever happened to me. I have never been in this situation and only realised it hasn't been a great relationship until I had my close friends confront me. My boyfriend has made it clear that if I still don't feel good in the coming month or so (he knows my mental health is being impacted by everything) he will happily book me a ticket home. 

I understand to some people it seems obvious what I should do and that I may be being naive and stupid. I just don't feel very strong right now. I want to try get a good career going here, then get my own place and go from there.

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, freckledfrog99 said:

 My boyfriend has made it clear that if I still don't feel good in the coming month or so  he will happily book me a ticket home. 

This may be a viable solution. Give it some serious thought. Interestingly abusers rarely want their victims to escape no less fund their departure. It's better than being unemployed and unhappy. Perhaps he believes you are using him as a stepping stone to a better life? 

[freckledfrog99]

On 11/7/2023 at 4:57 AM, smackie9 said:

It is what it is, you are not ready yet...they say it can take over a dozen times to leave a toxic relationship. It's totally up to you. BUT don't go searching for support with them anymore. They pretty much gave you advice and supported you and yet you go back to him....that's a hard slap to the face. That's you choosing this abusive guy over your loving family and friends. So honestly I don't blame your friend or anyone for walking away. 

 

On 11/7/2023 at 3:53 AM, Jaunty said:

I've been on both sides of the situation.  When I was in my druggie days, I was that friend who was always in crisis.   I had some very beloved friends who were always there for me until being there proved detrimental to their own lives.  I still do have them, because when I really was ready to do what was necessary to change myself and my life (which actually would not have involved living with them - that would have enabled me further) they were right there.  

And I had my friend with the partner who became known as "they who shall remain nameless."  My friend was putting up with abuse and, more:  they were even kind of reveling in it.  The drama, the embrace of victimhood, etc.  I did not cut them off but I did impose a boundary on talking about the details of the abuse. 

Even to this day, on this board,  I refuse to engage with people who want to catalog all the dire deeds their abusive (or in many cases simply idiotic) partner contributes to their relationship.

I think it's feeding the whole situation to do so.

Trying to help or even standing by when someone is delving into self destruction is not healthy, after a certain  point.

If the OP's best friend has reached a place where she needs to "take some space" from the OP's toxic relationship drama,  I'm sure the time and place where she could have OP living in her house has already passed.  

And, I'm sure everybody in the story knows that the OP can "move back home," whatever that may look like, when and if she chooses to get out of the sick relationship.

She hasn't reached that point.

I think it would be easier if I still lived in the same country as all of them. It is hard when he is my only support system here (and I know, that is on me..). I don't continue to talk badly about him to my friends - not because I am trying to intentionally be self-destructive or anything, but because there still are parts of me that think things could get better. I've always wanted my friends and family to view him in a good light, which I guess has been part of the problem, as my close friends saw through it. I know it almost seems silly of me to come on here and ask for advice when it really is in my own hands... I am just finding it hard. I've never been in a situation like this before. And when one of my best friends has chosen to not speak to me it cuts. I just don't think I would act the same if the roles were reversed.

[freckledfrog99]

14 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

This may be a viable solution. Give it some serious thought. Interestingly abusers rarely want their victims to escape no less fund their departure. It's better than being unemployed and unhappy. Perhaps he believes you are using him as a stepping stone to a better life? 

He doesn't think I am using him - if that's what you mean - but he does want me to do better for myself, for sure. I think the alarming things that worry my friends is like when he has tried to tell me I am giving up if I leave his place, plus his jealousy and possessivenes, yelling, anger, etc... I did tell them about the possibility of me coming back home if I went back to him, but they seemed concerned he would use the fact of him buying me a ticket as another way to control me. The idea is if I do go back again I will work for a few months then come back to him. But he does say I will have a much better chance of getting a job in his country by being here in person, which is technically true. I think if nothing happens job-wise in the next week I will book the ticket home.