Do I give up any hope of contact?

[sadgirl19]

This guy (26M) and I (31F) met on a dating app and hit it off really quick. We have been talking for about a month, and seemed to have a lot in common as far as our mentality, personality, and what we were looking for - almost a twin flame feeling. Very intense, fun, and flirty. He stated he didn't mind the age gap and prefers someone older. Our humor matched up perfectly, we had inside jokes immediately, he made me laugh all the time, we were attracted to each other, and we would text every single day. I am not used to the age gap or the consistent texting, but I think the constant communication is why I ended up feeling so attached to him. We had a few phone conversations, which would last 5+hours and he said he had never done that before. We loved hearing each other's voices and shared so much with each other. We talked about our past grief and marriage and kids. We shared that we had feelings for each other. 

He did give me warnings about how in his previous relationships, he was accused of not caring enough. And that he doesn't have emotions like everyone else and does not like to argue. He's made it fairly clear that he struggled with some form of depression as well. We also both tend to push people away, so I thought we would understand each other a little better. All this of course worried me though, but I thought we could try. Well, I suppose that day was to come. He tends to provoke people and make sarcastic remarks, and he did frequently with me, but I typically took what he would say as jokes and would laugh it off. This past weekend, I unintentionally said something that upset him, and he went silent. I noticed he also deleted me from the app. I regret what I said immediately and apologized profusely. I felt horrible and explained where I was coming from and we ended up talking it out a little bit despite him not liking to argue. He repeatedly said not to worry/don't stress it/it's not a big deal and that he will get over it, but I don't know where we stand. I hadn't heard from him in 3 days so I reached out last night saying I miss talking to him, and have not yet heard back. 

Is it safe to assume I will never hear again? Or is it possible he needs more time? I feel like I know the answer, but I'm having a hard time accepting it. I haven't felt this way with someone in years, and I can't explain why. I know we're not even in a relationship or anything, but I feel as though I lost a good friend that I trusted and it's because of what I said. That's what's making this so hard. We were like mirrors of each other, until we were not. I also know it is illogical and irrational to feel so upset over this considering we hadn't even met, but I am having a hard time coping for some reason. It feels like a breakup which is so bizarre to me because I do have a lot of experience with dating.

He claims to be marriage oriented and seemed keen on not "wasting time talking" if we weren't to marry. So I doubt we could even maybe continue a friendship. This is also a long distance thing. He lives about 3 hours away and was planning on visiting me, but I doubt that will happen now. All signs point to failure at this point. I am just sad, that's all. 

[Wiseman2]

9 minutes ago, sadgirl19 said:

He claims to be marriage oriented and seemed keen on not "wasting time talking" if we weren't to marry.  He lives about 3 hours away and was planning on visiting me, but I doubt that will happen now. 

Have you met in person? Unfortunately there's a lot of red flags. Contacting you from a distance, talking and texting all day without meeting, all sorts of disclaimers about his mental health problems, love bombing, faux marriage talk... and the list goes on. 

It seems more like you dodged a bullet. Perhaps a scammer, catfish, someone in another relationship or just a timewaster. He may have disappeared because he can't or won't meet. 

[sadgirl19]

He's definitely not a catfish as we shared a lot of snaps with each other! I knew about his work, where he lived, where he's from, where he went to school, we even shared childhood photos and our ancestral dna lol.

[sadgirl19]

6 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Have you met in person? Unfortunately there's a lot of red flags. Contacting you from a distance, talking and texting all day without meeting, all sorts of disclaimers about his mental health problems, love bombing, faux marriage talk... and the list goes on. 

It seems more like you dodged a bullet. Perhaps a scammer, catfish, someone in another relationship or just a timewaster. He may have disappeared because he can't or won't meet. 

Sorry, meant to quote on earlier response. No, we have not met but he was planning on it soon, so we would know if we were a good fit. 

You're right though. He would also say he had a desire for kids but not so much the wife. I don't know why I ignored all the red flags. I just enjoyed the friendship aspect a lot but now it is lost forever.

[Batya33]

27 minutes ago, sadgirl19 said:

Sorry, meant to quote on earlier response. No, we have not met but he was planning on it soon, so we would know if we were a good fit. 

You're right though. He would also say he had a desire for kids but not so much the wife. I don't know why I ignored all the red flags. I just enjoyed the friendship aspect a lot but now it is lost forever.

I have stayed in touch/friendly with men I originally was in  contact through dating sites but I never did the chat buddy fake "online dating" thing -I met over 100 men in person through dating sites. I think maybe the friendship could have continued if it started as one but it started as contact via a dating app and the initial contact was to see if you should date in person right?  Seems to me huge red flag that you felt you were "twin flames" and yet after a month of typing and talking you hadn't met yet -why?

I'm sorry he abruptly ended the communication.  It doesn't sound like eiither of you was focused on actually meeting in person and so it was easier to hide behind a screen and and have deep conversations with little risk of any true investment.  I wouldn't assume he is who he says he is and I'd just leave it be. 

[sadgirl19]

11 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I have stayed in touch/friendly with men I originally was in  contact through dating sites but I never did the chat buddy fake "online dating" thing -I met over 100 men in person through dating sites. I think maybe the friendship could have continued if it started as one but it started as contact via a dating app and the initial contact was to see if you should date in person right?  Seems to me huge red flag that you felt you were "twin flames" and yet after a month of typing and talking you hadn't met yet -why?

I'm sorry he abruptly ended the communication.  It doesn't sound like eiither of you was focused on actually meeting in person and so it was easier to hide behind a screen and and have deep conversations with little risk of any true investment.  I wouldn't assume he is who he says he is and I'd just leave it be. 

A few weeks ago he mentioned he really wanted to meet me before my overseas trip, which is this week, and to let him know which hotels would be fine to book. Then some stuff came up with his work, which I'm not sure if it was an excuse or not, but it seemed genuine based on what he shared and I gave him the benefit of the doubt. I didn't bring up meeting since he was stressed that week. Though I probably should have? And then this argument transpired that weekend, so we just never got the chance.

I think that's also why I'm regretful, because I don't know what could have been if we had met. It would've been easier for me to figure things out if we did.

[NighttimeNightmare]

1 hour ago, sadgirl19 said:

almost a twin flame feeling. Very intense

This is a red flag. The whole “twin flame” stuff isn’t a good thing 

not suggesting it isn’t good to have chemistry with someone, it is, but the whole “intensity” “twin flame” nonsense never ends well.  The new person comes in intense, and you get captivated by the show, and then you’re left high and dry because none of it was real 

 

1 hour ago, sadgirl19 said:

we were attracted to each other, and we would text every single day.

You’ve no idea if there’s be attraction in person, and the constant texting with this stranger has created a false sense of intimacy

 

1 hour ago, sadgirl19 said:

We talked about our past grief and marriage and kids

 

Do you trauma-dumped with some random you met online 30 days ago, and then built up a future-faking fantasy about your marriage, and children…. With a stranger. 
 

again, all things these “twin flame” believers do: “omg it’s so intense , I’ve never felt this! He understands me! We talked about our children!”

do you understand how unsafe this is? It’s a facade.  Your feelings of intensity towards this fantasy are clouding your judgement.  Check in with yourself and remind yourself how ridiculous it is to plan a future with someone you don’t know.  Does that sound like fantasy or a sound and structured reality to you? 
 

You really can’t be so shocked he’s fickle and he abruptly ‘left,’ his intensity towards you has no foundation, it’s just as fickle as his coming and going. It’s easy to go to the next woman and say these same things and create another fantasy, because it’s all just words to produce a momentary high. He has no commitment to you.   

1 hour ago, sadgirl19 said:

He did give me warnings about how in his previous relationships, he was accused of not caring enough. And that he doesn't have emotions like everyone else and does not like to argue. He's made it fairly clear that he struggled with some form of depression as well. We also both tend to push people away, so I thought we would understand each other a little better. All this of course worried me though, but I thought we could try.

So he’s verbalizing to you that he operates, emotionally, as a child who hasn’t developed the ability to work through issues like a grown adult should be able to.  You got exactly what he told you he was: immature and flighty. 
 

why would you choose to try and start a relationship with someone who doesn’t even hold the base emotional necessities to engage in one?

 

 

[smackie9]

Well he's a parade of red flags. Dating someone who has the same issue "push people away" doesn't make you both understand, it exasperates it. He stonewalls you, is passive/aggressive, and acts childish. And for you to jump in and grovel with an apology only enables his crappy behavior. The intense energy you both were developing was a fantasy fueled with dopamine. He is a problem, and you should be the one blocking/deleting him. He's too much of a big baby. 

[MissCanuck]

Please look out for yourself more. 

When someone is coming on too strongly and you haven't even met, it's a warning sign to run. 

For all you know, he isn't even single. You need to delete and block him everywhere, and work on firming up your boundaries. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, sadgirl19 said:

 And then this argument transpired that weekend, so we just never got the chance.I think that's also why I'm regretful, because I don't know what could have been if we had met. 

Please don't beat yourself up over this. It seems more like he manufactured an argument to avoid meeting because he's hiding something. 

[rainbowsandroses]

You're not going to like what I'm about to say but I highly doubt he ever had any intention of meeting you.  

When a man contacts you from a dating app who lives three hours away, it would be in your best interests to Immediately delete him.  

Think about it?  Why would a man looking to date reach out to a woman who lives three hours away?  Why would he not seek out local women who he can actually "date"?

Because he's not interested in dating.  He's interested in developing intense on line connections and then bailing out right before meeting. 

The distance gives him an easy out knowing he'll never run into you. 

There's nothing good here.  This man gave you so many warnings from the very beginning, it's no surprise he ghosted you.  

I agree with Wiseman2 that he manufactured the argument to avoid meeting.  Could almost guarantee it and it was carefully planned from the beginning.

Again, he had no intention of ever meeting you and I'm sorry to say, but sounds like you got played. 

At this point, you should be thankful you never met, huge bullet dodged as far as I'm concerned.

I'm sorry.

[HeartGoesOn]

My guess is this isn't his first rodeo, and I would bet that this is a little game he enjoys playing. He's in his glory until the other party starts asking questions.  At that time he' apparently runs out of excuses relating to when you'll meet.   He  decides to go AWOL, until he starts looking for the next. victim.

I'm sure you'll never meet, and in time hopefully you'll understand how you dodged a bullet.

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, sadgirl19 said:

,  He lives about 3 hours away and was planning on visiting me, but I doubt that will happen now. 

Just an aside on this point and distance in general. Did you know there's a book called:

"The 50-Mile Rule: Your Guide to Infidelity and Extramarital Etiquette"?

Google it. 

[sadgirl19]

Update: He just responded with "same". I need to delete him and stay strong 😪

[Jaunty]

Please do.  And please, for the love of all the gods.  NEVER NEVER NEVER do this again.

I think that your story is the most repeated problem on this whole site and others like it, and they are so identical that they could have been generated by an AI writer.  

Don't indulge in a "connection" like this with ANY person you have not met.  No texting "all day every day," no 5 hour phone calls, no sharing about deep romantic feelings,  no no no no.  

Not to mention that he pretty much outed himself as "not relationship material" by the character flaws he confessed to you and his behavior when this far flung fantasy did not go exactly as he'd been steering it.

Keep firm boundaries until you have actually met, decided you both are interested in actually dating, and then have some dates.  Real live ones. 

[catfeeder]

Skip anyone who won't meet you within a week or two, and don't get roped into messaging yourself into a fantasy. Scammers operate that way. Consider yourself as lucky for dodging a bullet.

[LoveSiiick]

If a man doesn’t respond he’s not interested