Boyfriends friends make me feel uncomfortable

[Hollsmaur]

So me and my current boyfriend have known each other for years and I actually met his friends before we were dating. They live quite far apart so he only sees said friends every few months, however the last few times we’ve all met up has felt so uncomfortable to me. I kinda feel out of place and feel like they judge me In a negative light. They will pick on things I do, things I say and mock my accent which is fine at first but starts to grate on you after a few times. 
 

im currently on vacation with my boyfriend and his friends for my boyfriends 30th birthday, and there’s a handful of things that have happened to make me feel a little crappy, such as:

• his best friends girlfriend called me “ditsy”, and she didn’t mean it in a cute way, but of more of a gullable dumb way - I know this by the nature of the conversation we were having.

• his best friends girlfriend also asked how I got into my job without a degree, this made me feel dumb again as if my hard work wasn’t enough for the job but these feelings could have been escalated due to the previous comment towards me.

• people not listening or ignoring me in a conversation

• one of his friends telling me off for swearing at a mini golf course in front of everyone because there were children around - I felt embarrassed.

• overheard his bestfriend say to my boyfriend “I have standards unlike you” - he said this as a joke but I wasn’t meant to hear it. 
 

basically lots of other things that come across condescending to me. I will laugh it off and get on with it usually but after this 5 day vacation I have just ended up feeling socially anxious, like I don’t want to say anything incase it gets picked at. I have nothing in common with them and I have tried my hardest to get on with them but I just feel crappy after every occasion. I have told my boyfriend and he apologises as he feels somewhat accountable, even though I’ve said he isn’t. He’s now gone out for a meal with them all and I said I didn’t want to go as I just feel a bit socially burned out and battered. What do I do to feel better about this? I would never make him choose or give him ultimatum.. and I don’t want to make it difficult for him, but I have to put my feelings first right and not just ignore them? 

[catfeeder]

My heart goes out to you, this is jealousy at its most ignorant. They’ve made you out to be a ‘Yoko Ono’ who they’ve presumed to have broken up the band.

That speaks of their limitations rather than of any reflection on you. But of course, it hurts. The good news is, there’s no law that says we must be wild about a lover’s friends.

 I think you’ve been wise to give them your best try, but also to recognize that you are not obligated to expose yourself to them as their punching bag. This allows for nature to take its course. Either your partner will resent them for the inequity of accepting only their chosen partners but not his, and he will communicate this in such a way that say, “If you respect me, you’ll respect my partner,” or he will start viewing these people through a provincial lens that he will outgrow.

One other option might be that he continues a reliance on these people as his tribe and puts up with the inequity—in which case, you’ll likely lose respect for him and make a decision that’s in your own best interests. Lastly, he might distance himself to a comfortable arm’s length where occasional time with them becomes less important and intrusive to your relationship.

I’d back off the subject to avoid influencing the outcomes, and just observe how he chooses to handle it. Meanwhile, you may want to encourage some double dates with only one of these couples at a time. This will enable you to ‘divide and conquer…’ where you win over one person or couple at a time while outside of their ‘pack’ mentality. This can be highly effective.

Head high, and don’t let stupidity pull you down. Write more if it helps.

[Hollsmaur]

6 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

My heart goes out to you, this is jealousy at its most ignorant. They’ve made you out to be a ‘Yoko Ono’ who they’ve presumed to have broken up the band.

That speaks of their limitations rather than of any reflection on you. But of course, it hurts. The good news is, there’s no law that says we must be wild about a lover’s friends.

 I think you’ve been wise to give them your best try, but also to recognize that you are not obligated to expose yourself to them as their punching bag. This allows for nature to take its course. Either your partner will resent them for the inequity of accepting only their chosen partners but not his, and he will communicate this in such a way that say, “If you respect me, you’ll respect my partner,” or he will start viewing these people through a provincial lens that he will outgrow.

One other option might be that he continues a reliance on these people as his tribe and puts up with the inequity—in which case, you’ll likely lose respect for him and make a decision that’s in your own best interests. Lastly, he might distance himself to a comfortable arm’s length where occasional time with them becomes less important and intrusive to your relationship.

I’d back off the subject to avoid influencing the outcomes, and just observe how he chooses to handle it. Meanwhile, you may want to encourage some double dates with only one of these couples at a time. This will enable you to ‘divide and conquer…’ where you win over one person or couple at a time while outside of their ‘pack’ mentality. This can be highly effective.

Head high, and don’t let stupidity pull you down. Write more if it helps.

Thank you. I was starting to feel as if I was the issue, as all the other girlfriends are treated fine and was thinking I could possibly be being over-sensitive.. but I don’t always feel like this with everyone I meet. Funny thing is, I’m not new to the pack and other girlfriends have been introduced after me.. and I thought maybe they don’t value my boyfriend as much as they should and thus also not valuing me? I’ve tried not to let it ruin my vacation 

[Kwothe28]

Sometimes its hard and takes time to acclimate and get accepted into group. Yes, you are not new but you havent hang out that much. So give it a time. Maybe it gets better. I think you should have gone to dinner. Like this they would think you dont like their company. I mean you obviously dont, but this would only make situation worst. 

I would also consider at least talking to your boyfriend about it and see what he says. No ultimatums or anything, just talking and saying to him how you didnt feel welcomed by his friends. They are not seeing each other frequently so its something you can easily avoid in future but I am sure he would like you and them to hang out as well. 

[Hollsmaur]

9 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Sometimes its hard and takes time to acclimate and get accepted into group. Yes, you are not new but you havent hang out that much. So give it a time. Maybe it gets better. I think you should have gone to dinner. Like this they would think you dont like their company. I mean you obviously dont, but this would only make situation worst. 

I would also consider at least talking to your boyfriend about it and see what he says. No ultimatums or anything, just talking and saying to him how you didnt feel welcomed by his friends. They are not seeing each other frequently so its something you can easily avoid in future but I am sure he would like you and them to hang out as well. 

I’ve had to acclimate in previous friendship groups before whether that be with mutual friends or ex’s friends and I have never found it this difficult before. Just seems like no matter what I do or say doesn’t help and I’m at a loss at what else I can do. This is the first time I’ve turned down a plan that involves them, I’d usually suck it up and go but I just feel so socially exhausted I don’t think I can hide my upset anymore. 
 

Maybe they just don’t like me haha

[catfeeder]

11 minutes ago, Hollsmaur said:

I’ve had to acclimate in previous friendship groups before whether that be with mutual friends or ex’s friends and I have never found it this difficult before. Just seems like no matter what I do or say doesn’t help and I’m at a loss at what else I can do. This is the first time I’ve turned down a plan that involves them, I’d usually suck it up and go but I just feel so socially exhausted I don’t think I can hide my upset anymore. 
 

Maybe they just don’t like me haha

Or maybe there’s one or more reasons why they are jealous—or have been influenced by one person who is jealous.

For instance, you mentioned above that maybe they don’t respect your BF enough to include you even while they’ve included later GFs. Unless this is something you’ve observed in their behavior toward your BF, try flipping that. Could BF have been a valued member but he changed toward them after taking up with you? Or, could one of them have been crushing on your BF with the group’s support, only to have been dismissed by BF in favor of you?

Even if one person has felt slighted in some way by BF, that person may have planted seeds against you with the group.

If none of the above sounds likely, consider ways that jealousy could be directly assigned to you. For instance, you mentioned your job success was achieved without the extra schooling they believed was needed to attain theirs. Or you are possibly considered prettier or more slender or taller or more petite or more well endowed…superficial stuff that someone might be insecure about.

You also mentioned an accent. Unfortunately, this can trigger an ‘other’ reaction in provincial people. It can also prompt jealousy in a person who considers it exotic and desirable. (I personally love accents and dialects.)

As for what you can do? Consider the ‘divide and conquer’ approach of isolating one couple or valued individual at a time with whom you spend dedicated time away from the group. This is a proven method for new employees to ‘win’ their way into the good graces of a team or organization. Making just ONE ‘friendly’ connection can begin a chain of influence that converts a critical mass within a group.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Hollsmaur said:

I'm  currently on vacation with my boyfriend and his friends for my boyfriends 30th birthday, and there’s a handful of things that have happened to make me feel a little crappy 

Sorry this is happening. His friends and their GFs seem like a rude bunch of oafs and mean girls. Please use this vacation to reflect on the relationship as a whole. There seems to be a host of problems since you started dating a few months ago. Is this the same man?:

 

[Andrina]

2 hours ago, Hollsmaur said:

I will laugh it off and get on with it

Sometimes it catches a person off-balance when you react a totally different way to their comments than you normally do. Instead of laughing which is disingenuous, why not be truthful in a way that's not attacking them but sharing how you feel, like: "Ouch, that comment hurts." "I feel like I'm being picked on and I'm sure nobody would intend to be that mean. Can you tell me what you meant by that so I can understand?" "Yeah, I thought about trying to get rid of my accent, but it's a part of my heritage so why should I change what I'm proud of?"

On the other hand, if your bf isn't sticking up for you when someone badmouths you, then why would you stay with who is supposed to have your back above all else? You overheard the bad comment by his bf, but you didn't overhear your bf telling the guy that he was out of line? You can't tell your bf who not to be friends with, but you can observe his behavior as he surrounds himself regularly with people who aren't making you feel welcome. What does that tell you?

[Cherylyn]

I have several thoughts on this.  It is often said that you are the company you keep.  Or,  if you want to judge a man,  look to his friends.  This means your character is in question dependent on whom you choose to socialize with as alike minds associate with alike minds.  Birds of a feather flock together.  Not saying your boyfriend is reminiscent of his friends but it makes you question why he would choose to associate with friends who are not completely kind and considerate of others.  🫢

You can't control your boyfriend.  He's free to choose whom he socializes with but again,  it makes me question his choices in people. 

Since you're uncomfortable being in the company of his friends,  don't be with them.  Let your boyfriend hang out with them while you do something else whether it's remaining at home or whatever. 

Some people are very rude.  They'll say uncalled for comments such as commenting on your accent,  comment about how you you attained your job without a degree and on and on.  It's just the way it is.  You don't have to be with them though now that you know what they're capable of saying.  I'd steer clear if I were you and in my mind,  I'd question what type of boyfriend you have to choose to have the type of friends he has.  🙄

They say your friends are your future so beware.  I only choose very moral friends which I think says a lot about my character.  I'm very picky and choosy and it has since paid off.  My friendships are smooth,  harmonious and extremely respectful which is the way it should be.  Any other way is intolerable and unacceptable.

[poorlittlefish]

What kind of boyfriend allows his friends to disrespect you like that?  The first time it happened, he should have had the balls to tell them it wasn't on.  He didn't, so they think it's OK to continue making you feel awful.  You could talk to your boyfriend and say you don't wish to spend any more time in their company, but you could also reconsider whether your boyfriend cares enough about you.