This isn't going to get better, is it?

[Jaunty]

Something about "love languages" though:

If a person is placing unrealistic demands on their loved one in the name of "love languages" and how they feel they need to receive love, then ... 

it's not about love languages any more.  

OP doesn't seem too concerned with "words of affirmation."  She specifically wants and even NEEDS a monthly text acknowledging one more month together (after 4 years).  And she has threatened to dump him if he doesn't do it.

This is bullying and they guy acquiescing to it would really not be a loving act towards the OP.  It would be succumbing to bullying.

[rainbowsandroses]

7 hours ago, Jaunty said:

Something about "love languages" though:

If a person is placing unrealistic demands on their loved one in the name of "love languages" and how they feel they need to receive love, then ... 

it's not about love languages any more.  

OP doesn't seem too concerned with "words of affirmation."  She specifically wants and even NEEDS a monthly text acknowledging one more month together (after 4 years).  And she has threatened to dump him if he doesn't do it.

This is bullying and they guy acquiescing to it would really not be a loving act towards the OP.  It would be succumbing to bullying.

I agree with you, it was the way she went about expressing her needs, in the form of a demand, threats and yeah bullying that was the problem.

Re love languages, the way I interpret them is that they're simply things each of us need from our partner to feel loved and valued.   

[Batya33]

8 hours ago, Jaunty said:

Something about "love languages" though:

If a person is placing unrealistic demands on their loved one in the name of "love languages" and how they feel they need to receive love, then ... 

it's not about love languages any more.  

OP doesn't seem too concerned with "words of affirmation."  She specifically wants and even NEEDS a monthly text acknowledging one more month together (after 4 years).  And she has threatened to dump him if he doesn't do it.

This is bullying and they guy acquiescing to it would really not be a loving act towards the OP.  It would be succumbing to bullying.

Well put -better than how I put it.  "You can put lipstick on a pig but...." (no no not at all referring to the OP! -just the saying - dress up the demands as a "Love Language") - it's too easy to throw around terms that may have a lot of meaning in very specific situations  - but not this one. At all.  IMHO.  

[boltnrun]

"You either do this for me or I'll break up with you" is never conducive toward a successful relationship.

[rainbowsandroses]

4 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Well put -better than how I put it.  "You can put lipstick on a pig but...." (no no not at all referring to the OP! -just the saying - dress up the demands as a "Love Language") - it's too easy to throw around terms that may have a lot of meaning in very specific situations  - but not this one. At all.  IMHO.  

I agree with you Batya, the OP's threats and demand for flowers or the monthly anniversary text/acknowledgement is NOT a "love language," far from!!  

That's about as far from 'loving' as one could get!

However, her need for her boyfriend to buy her flowers or acknowledge their monthly anniversary IS (her love language).

That's all love languages are -  needs each of us have to feel valued and loved in a relationship. 

To deny or dismiss their importance is like dismissing that people have needs!  Which of course is not true.  

JMO as always but I think it's real important for our partners to understand what each of us need to feel valued and loved.

And there is a healthy way to discuss our needs (i.e love language if you will) without making threats or demands.

If our partner is unable to give us what we need, then we end the relationship, graciously.

This is what @Truth05 meant in her (his?) post the way I interpreted it, and what I expounded on.

 

 

 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I agree with you Batya, the OP's threats and demand for flowers or the monthly anniversary text/acknowledgement is NOT a "love language," far from!!  

That's about as far from 'loving' as one could get!

However, her need for her boyfriend to buy her flowers or acknowledge their monthly anniversary IS (her love language).

That's all love languages are -  needs each of us have to feel valued and loved in a relationship. 

To deny or dismiss their importance is like dismissing that people have needs!  Which of course is not true.  

JMO as always but I think it's real important for our partners to understand what each of us need to feel valued and loved.

And there is a healthy way to discuss our needs (i.e love language if you will) without making threats or demands.

If our partner is unable to give us what we need, then we end the relationship, graciously.

This is what @Truth05 meant in her (his?) post the way I interpreted it, and what I expounded on.

 

 

 

I understand exactly how you saw it and respect your opinion. I saw it very differently and do not agree this situation has anything to do with love, a language or love languages.

[rainbowsandroses]

24 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I understand exactly how you saw it and respect your opinion. I saw it very differently and do not agree this situation has anything to do with love, a language or love languages.

Well yeah, with respect to her making demands and threats, thar certainly does not have anything to do with love languages.

So at least we agree on that part. 

We can agree to disagree about the 'needs' part, fair enough

 

 

 

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Well yeah, with respect to her making demands and threats, thar certainly does not have anything to do with love languages.

So at least we agree on that part. 

 

 

To me it doesn't matter if we agree -it's good to have different opinions.  In general I'm not a fan of concepts like "love languages" when they tend to get overused/resorted to to justify much more basic incompatibilities/justify bad behavior.  There are other overused relationship concepts like that.  Personally I'm a fan of simple, basic explanations. 

Mine for this situation is - she's not playing nicely in the sandbox. She doesn't have to date anyone, she can have any standards she wants at all and she should know how her standards will decrease her dating pool and invite a host of downsides - much higher risk of finding a partner who is controlling -he'll do all that stuff she wants - go through the motions to a fault -and in exchange expect her keep herself like a perfect pretty specimen of a female that he can parade around.  Or he'll be a total doormat afraid of his own shadow.

I might be totally wrong but I highly suspect a reasonably stable secure person will want to accede to her "wants" or "demands" in a serious long term romantic relationship.  Obviously I could be wrong, obviously there could be exceptions.

[Kwothe28]

1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said:

However, her need for her boyfriend to buy her flowers or acknowledge their monthly anniversary IS (her love language).

 

Trouble is that hers is excessive. Lots of times its not about what we want but about what we can get. She demands message every monthly anniversary and flowers. And while I do know men who buy their girlfriends/wives flowers even after 3 years together, nobody does it on every monthly anniversary or even celebrates that after that much time together. Yearly anniversary, birthdays, other special occassions, yes. For example "Women day" is a popular holiday here to gift flowers. But not every month. She can demand that from this man or any other man out there, there is almost no chance she would find somebody like that. Because her demands are not realistic kind.

[rainbowsandroses]

24 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Trouble is that hers is excessive. Lots of times its not about what we want but about what we can get. She demands message every monthly anniversary and flowers. And while I do know men who buy their girlfriends/wives flowers even after 3 years together, nobody does it on every monthly anniversary or even celebrates that after that much time together. Yearly anniversary, birthdays, other special occassions, yes. For example "Women day" is a popular holiday here to gift flowers. But not every month. She can demand that from this man or any other man out there, there is almost no chance she would find somebody like that. Because her demands are not realistic kind.

Totally agree with ya!  But nevertheless they are still her needs (her particular love language) no matter how unreasonable they are to other people. That was my only point about that. 

And there's a kind, respectful way to communicate what we need to our partner without threats or demands.  Again, no matter how unreasonable those needs are to others.

I don't know of any man, no matter how romantically inclined he is or not, who would find her demands and threats  acceptable behavior let alone meet her needs. 

That said, there are men who are perfectly happy buying flowers and love doing so without being asked. 

In fact I used to work with a woman who received a bouquet of fresh flowers every single week from her boyfriend who eventually became her husband. 

SHE loved it, HE loved doing it.  

Clearly here there is a massive incompatibility and at this point OP, best to end it.

[Jaunty]

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I understand exactly how you saw it and respect your opinion. I saw it very differently and do not agree this situation has anything to do with love, a language or love languages.

Pop psychology seems to have addictive properties.   

[Jaunty]

4 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

 

However, her need for her boyfriend to buy her flowers or acknowledge their monthly anniversary IS (her love language).

That's all love languages are -  needs each of us have to feel valued and loved in a relationship. 

To deny or dismiss their importance is like dismissing that people have needs!  Which of course is not true.  

I read the book & I’d bet good money that the author would not agree that acquiescing to specific demands in order to avoid getting the old heave-ho was in any way included in their construct of “love languages.” 
 

I mean, where would it stop?   I NEED my partner to show their love for me by buying me a Tesla because my LOVE LANGUAGE is “receiving gifts”?   And if my partner fails to deliver they’re dismissing my needs?  
 

Sorry.  Not buying it.  

[shouldhavelearned]

4 hours ago, boltnrun said:

"You either do this for me or I'll break up with you" is never conducive toward a successful relationship.

Spot on

[boltnrun]

I don't view wanting a monthly "anniversary" (false use of the word, BTW) text is a "need". It's a demand, it's a want, but it certainly isn't a need. 

It's sweet that someone's husband bought her flowers every week but she certainly didn't "need" the flowers.

[rainbowsandroses]

18 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

I read the book & I’d bet good money that the author would not agree that cataloging specific demands in order to avoid getting the old heave-ho was in any way included in their construct of “love languages.” 

Again, totally agree.  Demands, threats, bullying in order to get our needs met (edited to add 'wants' after reading @boltnrunpost) should never EVER be associated with "love languages" and to presume that is what I meant is missing the entire premise of my posts. 

[rainbowsandroses]

5 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I don't view wanting a monthly "anniversary" (false use of the word, BTW) text is a "need". It's a demand, it's a want, but it certainly isn't a need. 

It's sweet that someone's husband bought her flowers every week but she certainly didn't "need" the flowers.

That is a very a fair point.  Which introduces another topic of discussion -- wants versus needs. 

For another thread. 

[Batya33]

22 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

I read the book & I’d bet good money that the author would not agree that acquiescing to specific demands in order to avoid getting the old heave-ho was in any way included in their construct of “love languages.” 
 

I mean, where would it stop?   I NEED my partner to show their love for me by buying me a Tesla because my LOVE LANGUAGE is “receiving gifts”?   And if my partner fails to deliver they’re dismissing my needs?  
 

Sorry.  Not buying it.  

I also don’t go with her needs are her needs. Not in that ok full stop we’re not allowed to judge. She’s calling it a “need!”   It’s not a need. I trained my son in this as soon as possible. Need vs want.  And her want is her want us also not an invitation to end the discussion. 
My husband travels to a certain major city concerning or twice a year where I know they have my favorite flavor of a favorite chocolate brand. They don’t have it here. I also knows he goes to the store there anyway. 
So I asked him to get it for me if he could. There was a really good chance he’d get if anyway. But it’s a quick trip for business. 
unusually I went through his carry on when he got home. For - actual - dirty laundry. I saw he bought 4 of them. I pretended I didn’t see. 
He gave me one a few days later. I know he sort of hoards them to dole them out on special occasions.  It’s very cute!

If he had forgotten I’d have been slightly annoyed. And if I were particularly tired I’d likely have been internally petulant “he couldn’t remember to get me that one thing ???” And I’d likely have said nothing. Am I “projecting “?? If so so be it. Because to me there are certain norms of a stable relationship.  If I’d made a thing of it he’d have looked at me and basically asked ok what’s really going on ?  If I’d said “if you cared enough I’d have my chocolate “ and “my needs and wants are my needs and wants “ he’d have projected a second head onto me. 
There really are some basic play nicely in the sandbox norms that defy even the most trendy and “deep” psychological concepts. 

[Capricorn3]

On 10/28/2023 at 6:24 AM, Jaunty said:

Wow.  You are COMPLETELY incompatible.  Please set him free and spend your time hunting for a man who shares the value you place on acknowledging monthly “anniversaries” for years on end.  
This will take you a long time - I’m old and I’ve never even heard that this could possibly be a thing.  All the energy you’re putting into nagging at him would be put to better use on a hunt for this rare unicorn of a human 

Clearly this man is not it.  

^ I second this post in its entirety.  I agree with all posts saying you are being unreasonable.  Monthly anniversaries?  That sounds so high-schoolish, but when you're an adult surely you mature enough to drop these meaningless little monthly anniversaries.  This is going to get old very very quickly for any guy and don't be too surprised when he suddenly says goodbye and walks out the door forever.

I also vote for incompatible.

[SooSad33]

Yup, it's ridiculous and will push him away for sure and any other guy you date.

You've been given plenty of responses to all of this.

In general, a man does not 'think' like a woman. So, how YOU see this and how he see's it it very different.  So, good luck there!

If I was him I probably would have walked out that door, the second you threatened to end things with me because I didn't do as YOU asked!  Wow 😕 

And I agree that one does not normally want or expect anyone to chime in EVERY month re: a day they met! Maybe only for the first year.  After that, it can be yearly.  That is normal.

So, think on that & take your chance.  Either back off the poor guy a little, or watch him pull away as you're a slow torture.  Appreciate the fact that he chose you and has chosen to remain.

 

[lostandhurt]

I have a few questions for you OP

-Where did you get these expectations?

-Why do you feel that he needs to continually needs to prove himself worthy of being with you?

I have noticed a tend among some very attractive women posting how if your bf isn't doing this or that you need to kick him to the curb and find someone new.  Interesting enough there are a lot of very attractive women posting how they cannot find and KEEP and good man.  Is there a correlation?

 Some of this stuff you mention is cute for the first few months but after that it is just silly.  This isn't high school anymore.

 I kind feel bad for your bf

Lost

[Kwothe28]

23 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

That is a very a fair point.  Which introduces another topic of discussion -- wants versus needs. 

 

I think its an interesting discussion that I put on some other thread

Standards(or shall we say "needs") are something non- negotiable. They are "must have" and cant be suplemented. While preferences(or shall we say "wants") are always negotiable. Something that is icing on the cake and can improve overall relationship. But you can do without it.

For example, OP and her desire for flowers and anniversary every month should be classified in "preferences".  That is something she can live without if other stuff is good. But she somehow puts it under "standards"(needs). As in something she needs to have so she can have a functioning relationship. Which is silly. Those two terms often get mixed up. For example lots of women like taller men to the point they demand a boyfriend over 6 feet. But that also shouldnt be a standard. As it doesnt really mean anything for a quality of relationship unless you just want physical relationship. Lots of stuff gets put into "standards" category. While its really just "preferences". 

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, Kwothe28 said:

For example, OP and her desire for flowers and anniversary every month should be classified in "preferences".  That is something she can live without if other stuff is good. But she somehow puts it under "standards"(needs). As in something she needs to have so she can have a functioning relationship. Which is silly.

First off, once again I'd like to clarify that the way OP went about stating her standards/preferences (whatever they may be to her) as demands and threats was completely wrong, even toxic.  And has nothing to do with 'love languages' in any way shape or form

With respect to whether they were her standards (needs) or preferences (wants), she did threaten to end the relationship so it is quite possible they are her standards, no matter how ridiculously silly they seem to others (us).

I know of one woman who ended her relationship with a man she adored because he never or very rarely complimented her.

Sounded silly to ME because I don't need compliments (words of affirmation) to feel valued and loved.  

But SHE did, and who is anyone to judge that?  Certainly not me. 

The flowers and anniversary text, I will admit sound silly and ridiculous to ME however to the OP they aren't silly, heck she threatened to end the relationship if her boyfriend didn't comply. 

Which leads me to believe these are genuine needs/standards she has in order to feel valued and loved.  Again, no matter how silly and ridiculous they seem to me and others. 

Just like I would not feel valued or loved if my boyfriend never or rarely spent "quality time" with me which doesn't sound silly because most people need that. 

That said, I DO think OP will be hard pressed to find a man to meet her standards, but there's a lid for every pot; her current boyfriend is NOT it.

And she needs to improve her communications skills because demands, threats and bullying are never the way to go. 

[Kwothe28]

27 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

With respect to whether they were her standards (needs) or preferences (wants), she did threaten to end the relationship so it is quite possible they are her standards, no matter how ridiculously silly they seem to others (us).

 

But it is silly by all accounts. As Ive said, gifts, flowers, height, cant be standards. As its something that doesnt affect overall relationship. They are not "make it or break it" things. Because her overall relationship quality doesnt suffer if her boyfriend isnt 6 feet tall or doesnt get her flowers every month. It may seem tragic to her. But its to us to point out how its just not that tragic. She can have a perfectly good relationship if her boyfriend just gifts her flowers or presents on big anniversaries and not every month. Because its just not something she cant live without. She may prefer her boyfriend does that. But its just not a standard. Video I linked literally says "The issues begin to arise when people begin to be unwilling to compromise on their preferences because they are viewing them as the standards". Guess what OP is doing here?

40 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

That said, I DO think OP will be hard pressed to find a man to meet her standards, but there's a lid for every pot; her current boyfriend is NOT it.

 

And that is fine. We had a poster here that demanded her boyfriend to have a college degree, be a high earner and be from the same chapter of the church as her and shares the same values even though some of her values contradicted greatly with church conservatism in general. And I would say to this OP what Ive said there. And that is that she limits herself greatly if she thinks she can insist on her preferences. Yes, she may have a chance in future to find somebody who would do such stuff for her. But the chances for that are very miniscule. And she needs to know that she would indeed be hard pressed to find such man. Because the limits she set up are such high that almost nobody could reach them.

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, Kwothe28 said:

They are not "make it or break it" things...

Not to you or me but to some people like the OP, they very well could be, if receiving such things makes her feel valued and loved.  

Who are any of us to judge that?   To judge what "another person" needs to feel valued and loved?   Again, I won't even though again the way she went about asking was completely wrong. 

In addition to my friend who needed compliments (words of affirmation).to feel valued and loved, who for her was a dealbreaker and she ended the relationship, there was a woman on another forum who placed A LOT of value on being given gifts (gift giving), not just on special occasions but randomly.  It was what made HER feel valued and loved.

She was harshly criticized for it, and called everything from a goldigger to materialistic to insecure and dysfunctional for needing this.  But she held her ground.  

She eventually found a man who loved buying little gifts here and there and they eventually got married if memory serves. 

All I am saying is that I don't think it's right to harshly judge what "another person" needs to feel valued and loved no matter how silly, ridiculous or dysfunctional that standard is to others.

If you disagree that's fine, different strokes.  I suppose it's natural to judge.  

For me, I'm trying to get away from that and accept people and whatever standards or preferences they have, for who they are.

As long as such people are respectful in how they go about asking for such things, which in this case the OP was not, it's NOT my place to judge what HER or anyone's personal standards are.  The things that make them feel valued.

Said my piece on this, if you or others disagree that is certainly your prerogative and I respect it. 

 

 

 

[boltnrun]

No one needs monthly "happy day we met" texts. If that were the case how did relationships survive before cell phones were invented?

Of course relationships need quality time! No relationship can survive without spending time together focusing on one another. But a silly text? That is never going to be an absolute requirement.