Feel like I have to pick between family and partner

[robyn4476]

I'm having a really tough time with my current relationship/family dynamic and just need some third party advice. Sorry for the wall of text, I want to explain this as best as I can.

I (26F) met my boyfriend (28) about three years ago. From the start, we hit it off. We have the same sense of humor, we are both academics and inspire each other to learn and grow... he's the best friend I've ever had. We moved in together about a year ago and we've never had a fight or even a disagreement. I could see myself spending the rest of my life with him. We've talked about marriage and he has said he intends to propose within the next 6 months or so.

However, there is a major issue. As I said, we are both in academia and will be graduating with our PhDs in 3 years. My field is flexible enough where I could get a job pretty much anywhere, but his is kind of niche, and he wants to stay in academia. The way it would works in his field is he'll graduate, then spend a year applying to jobs (some apply for up to 300) and interviewing at various universities and, if he's lucky, he'll get one job offer.

Which would mean that if we're still together, we'd have to move to wherever that job is. We could stay in our current city, but more than likely he would have to work in a career he is not passionate about. I don't want him to settle or not live out his dreams. My partner has said he will try to stay in our city, but we both know that isn't very likely to happen. 

This is a problem for me when it comes to my family. I am an only child and, while they are still married and living together, saying my parents (both 72) don't like each other is putting it lightly. My mother has also become slightly agoraphobic since COVID and doesn't interact with others outside of a few friends she texts and calls. My dad still works, but when he retires he similarly won't really have anyone to interact with. Currently, I visit home 2x a week and run a few small errands for my parents each week. 

I would feel so incredibly guilty for leaving them alone (that's what it feels like) at the end of life if I moved for my partner's job. But I feel like I can't reasonably ask my partner to stay in this city if it means losing out on a fulfilling career. I feel like I am at a crossroads where I either need to go all in with my partner and feel this guilt, or call it off now before he proposes and eventually find someone else who is already established in this city.

Probably unrelated to the main issue, but my parents also do not like my partner at all. He hasn't been invited over to their house and they feel like he is scheming to take me away from them. My mom is convinced my partner will cheat on me one day because "that's what men do" and tells me if I leave the state, I will leave behind my support network that would help me when that happens.

I just feel so lost and stuck. I know I would be so happy living life with my partner, wherever that happens to be, but I don't know if I can handle the guilt of leaving my parents alone. I know children shouldn't be responsible for the happiness of their parents, but I come from an immigrant family and it seems like this is a common thing among immigrants. 

Anyways, thanks for reading through the wall of text. Any advice or guidance or even similar experiences would be so appreciated. 

[Wiseman2]

It seems like you and your BF get along quite well and are trying to build a life together. Follow that path to the future.

Especially since you have a strained relationship with your parents,it would probably be better to move away.

They'll be fine. In fact start distancing yourself from over enmeshment,  guilt trips, manipulation and all the other toxic dynamics now. 

[shouldhavelearned]

Live your life and don't fall for the negativity and guilt trips

[catfeeder]

The problem with fully grown adults who are as manipulative as children is that they’re better at it.

I’d tell whichever parent who next badmouths my partner that the meaner they are about him and toward him, the easier my decision will become to move away with him if given the opportunity. In fact, the less willing they are to form a reasonable family relationship with the man I love, the less they’ll see of me. I want to build a family with love and harmony, and if they will participate in that goal, their grandchildren will be spending as much time as possible in the environment that offers that support and encouragement. So they should consider that carefully because my days of being guilt tripped are over.

[robyn4476]

3 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

The problem with fully grown adults who are as manipulative as children is that they’re better at it.

I’d tell whichever parent who next badmouths my partner that the meaner they are about him and toward him, the easier my decision will become to move away with him if given the opportunity. In fact, the less willing they are to form a reasonable family relationship with the man I love, the less they’ll see of me. I want to build a family with love and harmony, and if they will participate in that goal, their grandchildren will be spending as much time as possible in the environment that offers that support and encouragement. So they should consider that carefully because my days of being guilt tripped are over.

Thank you. I haven't really realized until this past year that I grew up in a house where I learned what it felt like to be loved... both of my parents really love me very much... but I never learned what it looked like to love someone else, or what it looked like to accept love, because they didn't love each other. That is absolutely not the type of house I want to have with my partner, but I need to put in the work to learn how to disentangle myself from the type of life my parents have. 

[catfeeder]

1 minute ago, robyn4476 said:

Thank you. I haven't really realized until this past year that I grew up in a house where I learned what it felt like to be loved... both of my parents really love me very much... but I never learned what it looked like to love someone else, or what it looked like to accept love, because they didn't love each other. That is absolutely not the type of house I want to have with my partner, but I need to put in the work to learn how to disentangle myself from the type of life my parents have. 

A parent’s job is to give their children roots and wings. The roots are rarely the problem.

We each need to make our own leaps into adulthood, and often this requires a degree of parenting our parents. 

[Batya33]

I relocated for my husband's career in 2008-09 from the large city/my home town I'd lived in for 43 years straight and he also grew up there -a couple of miles from me but we met originally at work.  We dated when we were your age - we got engaged and called off the wedding and got back together almost 8 years later.  By then he had pursued his dream career - and it did wonders for his self confidence and overall happiness -he's a positive optimistic Type B guy but -it enhanced it for sure.  He's brilliant and awesome at what he does and at what he contributes to the world.  No exaggeration.

From the day we got back together - our first conversation after being overjoyed to be back together -was to confirm -I already knew -that I'd be willing to relocate almost anywhere for his career. He's an only child and our parents were aging, 3 out of 4 were disabled.  They all gave us their blessing.  I had a relative who questioned how I could move so far (ended up moving 800 miles away) - even though I have an older sister who is close with our parents.  I didn't like that attitude -I finally had found my person and had a shot at a happy marriage and maybe even a baby!

I'm not gonna lie.  It was REALLY hard when all of our parents were alive the first 7 years after we relocated.  My husband traveled back and forth constantly to care for them - and traveled constantly for his super star career.  I solo parented a great deal in a city where I really knew no one.  Our son was born in 2009.  By 2016 only my mother was alive.  My mom didn't need me to be there in person to help care for my dad. 

But I took on the basically part time job of doing the financial/legal stuff -hiring people, trying to do some on my own - regarding my father's matters.  I didn't work outside the home until my son was 7 -by choice -but practically speaking - given the situation you refer to we'd have had to pay $$$$$ to hire multiple people and last minute people to care for our son given the unpredictability of caring for aging parents from a distance.

I'm very sorry your parents are pressuring you.  Our parents were in their 70s - and 80 -when we married. I get it.  Please go forth and be with your amazing partner and be so proud of him for following this path, his dream - he will be a better husband feeling so fulfilled and supported.  I have a 14 year old and in the past 1 year or so - especially since the pandemic abated -he's had a number of independent firsts -some delayed because of covid (like overnight school trips) and I held my breath- took deep breaths -and said "go!!!" 

And I said go without helicoptering him -and when he told me later "oh yeah I ended up jumping off a mountain into a lake" and "oh when I was tubing I got lost LOL!" and when I said "no you cannot come home from your school trip - go talk to your teacher -he's there to help if you need help" and "no you cannot be picked up from your sports meet because you're nervous about competing!" even though in my heart -he is my little boy and of course I was tempted to run to him - tempted.  But then I'd be a bad parent. 

My in-laws and my parents got it -they saw how we were ready to start a new life together - they put their needs aside- my in-laws -miss them!!!- were so close with my husband.  And they let him go with their blessings.  As your parents should -but no matter -even if not -time to fly.  Enjoy.

[Andrina]

Firstly, when your mother says anything negative about your bf, end the conversation. That's why we have feet to walk and a red button on the phone to hang up. You tell her that you can't force her to like your bf, but you will expect her to be pleasant around him and that you won't listen to badmouthing.

She is speaking from a place a fear for you moving away, but it's still wrong.

I move away from my parents in my early twenties, and they were not elderly. But when they were entering the retirement years, I told them if they expected me to help out with their elderly needs, that they would have to move nearby me, since I wasn't willing to move to their state. They got to live where they wanted for most of their lives, so they would have to make the sacrifice of moving because it wasn't fair to expect me to move in the prime of my life. It's nice to help parents with elderly issues if possible, but it's not their given right.

They did move and then I was happy to help them, and it's convenient that we were only a 10 minute drive from each other.

There are always ways to help parents whether near or far. If you are far, and can afford it, you could arrange an occasional delivery of food, etc. You could pay for someone to come in once or twice a week to do housecleaning and cooking. You could help them look into what their medical insurance covers for home health visits, assisted living facilities, and any of their other present or future needs. If you do need to move after marriage, if it makes you feel better, you can buy a place with an in-law suite, or tell your parents if they want your help as they age, they are free to move by you in your new home.

If your parents haven't built a social system, that's on them. You shouldn't feel pressured to provide their only social outlet. 

Finding a great partner is difficult. I wouldn't let this man go. There are always solutions to problems, and I've suggested many options you can use to help your parents out whether you are near or far. Good luck.

[redswim30]

OP, I feel for you.   Most people at some point have to make a choice- A choice between what would make themselves happy versus what will make other people happy. 

I personally believe it is usually wise to make the choice that will make YOU happy.  No matter what you do in life, someone may judge you/be mad at you for not making the choice THEY want you to make. 

Often this can come in the form of controlling parents.   You have to decide what is worth more to you- You being happy or risking your parents being "mad at you".   I know what I would choose. 

You didn't mention specifics about your father, but I am sorry that you have a mother that is more interested in spreading her bitterness and being jealous of you than she is in celebrating your happiness.  

I have to wonder though, is there something ELSE holding you back?  Are you sure it's just your parents? 

Maybe there a small part of you that is scared to move, maybe you don't feel as confident in your relationship as you think?  I don't know.  Before you make any decision, really think about what you feel and want. 

Take everyone else out of this equation- what would make your parents happy, what would make your BF happy - and just think what would make YOU happy?  I think part of your turmoil is you are thinking of this in terms of Your BF vs. Your Parents, as opposed to thinking about what YOU really want in all of this. 

That should help provide you some clarity.   IMO, at some point I think all adult children should distance themselves a LITTLE BIT from their parents.  I'm not saying be estranged, but don't let them make important decisions for you or control your life.