I'm having a really tough time with my current relationship/family dynamic and just need some third party advice. Sorry for the wall of text, I want to explain this as best as I can.
I (26F) met my boyfriend (28) about three years ago. From the start, we hit it off. We have the same sense of humor, we are both academics and inspire each other to learn and grow... he's the best friend I've ever had. We moved in together about a year ago and we've never had a fight or even a disagreement. I could see myself spending the rest of my life with him. We've talked about marriage and he has said he intends to propose within the next 6 months or so.
However, there is a major issue. As I said, we are both in academia and will be graduating with our PhDs in 3 years. My field is flexible enough where I could get a job pretty much anywhere, but his is kind of niche, and he wants to stay in academia. The way it would works in his field is he'll graduate, then spend a year applying to jobs (some apply for up to 300) and interviewing at various universities and, if he's lucky, he'll get one job offer.
Which would mean that if we're still together, we'd have to move to wherever that job is. We could stay in our current city, but more than likely he would have to work in a career he is not passionate about. I don't want him to settle or not live out his dreams. My partner has said he will try to stay in our city, but we both know that isn't very likely to happen.
This is a problem for me when it comes to my family. I am an only child and, while they are still married and living together, saying my parents (both 72) don't like each other is putting it lightly. My mother has also become slightly agoraphobic since COVID and doesn't interact with others outside of a few friends she texts and calls. My dad still works, but when he retires he similarly won't really have anyone to interact with. Currently, I visit home 2x a week and run a few small errands for my parents each week.
I would feel so incredibly guilty for leaving them alone (that's what it feels like) at the end of life if I moved for my partner's job. But I feel like I can't reasonably ask my partner to stay in this city if it means losing out on a fulfilling career. I feel like I am at a crossroads where I either need to go all in with my partner and feel this guilt, or call it off now before he proposes and eventually find someone else who is already established in this city.
Probably unrelated to the main issue, but my parents also do not like my partner at all. He hasn't been invited over to their house and they feel like he is scheming to take me away from them. My mom is convinced my partner will cheat on me one day because "that's what men do" and tells me if I leave the state, I will leave behind my support network that would help me when that happens.
I just feel so lost and stuck. I know I would be so happy living life with my partner, wherever that happens to be, but I don't know if I can handle the guilt of leaving my parents alone. I know children shouldn't be responsible for the happiness of their parents, but I come from an immigrant family and it seems like this is a common thing among immigrants.
Anyways, thanks for reading through the wall of text. Any advice or guidance or even similar experiences would be so appreciated.
Thank you. I haven't really realized until this past year that I grew up in a house where I learned what it felt like to be loved... both of my parents really love me very much... but I never learned what it looked like to love someone else, or what it looked like to accept love, because they didn't love each other. That is absolutely not the type of house I want to have with my partner, but I need to put in the work to learn how to disentangle myself from the type of life my parents have.