Stuck in limbo

[boltnrun]

26 minutes ago, Beanfinity said:

he doesn't even know he's doing it (just the way he learned how relationships are growing up),

Um, yes he does.

Does he insult his supervisor at work when he's asked to do tasks? Does he insult his coworkers? How about his professors?

If not, he knows better. He just does it because he believes you're so into him and desperate to "keep" him you'll do anything and put up with anything just to stay with him. And he's not wrong about you wanting to stay. Even now you're coming up with excuses to stay (his finances, his schooling, the lease...none of which are beneficial to YOU).

Yes, he may have learned this at home but it doesn't mean he doesn't know it's wrong.

Instead of behaving in a codependent manner (Google "codependency"), I strongly suggest you look out for your own well-being. 

[MissCanuck]

2 hours ago, Beanfinity said:

when he doesn't even know he's doing it

Malarkey. 

Unless he's this way with everyone, he knows exactly what he is doing when he does it to you. 

[catfeeder]

Do you consider this time of your life to be your fertility years?

We never get any wasted time back to re-live over again. 

This guy can still finish his degree on nights and weekends. And he'll still be snide and insulting next year if you wait to break up with him then.

So why not just move forward and reclaim the life you want to live? 

[Beanfinity]

@Wiseman2@boltnrun@MissCanuck@catfeeder

Since all of your recent replies have been along the same lines re abuse, I thought to reply collectively with one post.

It is hard to turn my mind that way, considering this is someone who, once, treated me so well and that I loved before. This is my naivety showing through, but I just cannot imagine someone purposefully doing harm to someone they love, just to get their way/prove they're right/treat their own insecurities. But I suppose that is the point. To fool me into thinking he actually loves me, and that he acts poorly out of love.

I am briefly reminded of a time when I asked him why he behaved in such a toxic way towards me, but not when he is with friends. He didn't have a reason. He mumbled things which I should have known were bull***.

@catfeeder I am not sure what you mean about fertility years, but if you mean having kids, I am not that interested/not in a rush.

Another one for the book of lessons learned.

[Batya33]

You can have feelings of love for someone and not treat them properly. Treating someone properly and with care, thoughtfulness, kindness and compassion can be incentivized by loving feelings but loving as a feeling is different sometimes from acting in a loving way. Love means never having to say you're sorry --- is a myth.

I don't think you are in the least bit naive -you're making the choice not to do the hard stuff because limbo is easier and has its benefits.  You're making excuses.  Don't go there IMO with the idealistic "oh but I'm such a good person so I guess I'm just naive about how someone could behave badly and also love me!" - own your motivations to stay because then you'll make better choices now and in the future.

I agree with Catfeeder about fertility years -I got in my own way some and since I didn't want to try to conceive a baby on my own or do so outside of a committed marriage -or almost married! - I waited to try till I was 40.5.  I was one of the lucky ones -it was very stressful emotionally and I don't recommend waiting unless there's a really good reason (for me it was my standards as far as what I thought a child of mine deserved at minimum as far as a two-parent stable happy marriage/household if I could possibly do so-others have different standards).  

Edited to add I see you say you're not in a rush/not that interested -I hope that stays the same for you because it's a shame if that changes, you really want a biological child and it might be really hard/too late.

[boltnrun]

If you're waiting for him to "go back" to how he was in the beginning...well, let's just say you'll be waiting a long time.  Like forever.

See, people who abuse their partners (whether it's physically, verbally or emotionally) ALWAYS act sweet and nice in the beginning.  If he started with insults right off the bat you would never have gone on a second date with him (or continued seeing him, moved in with him, etc.)  And another news flash:  the him in the beginning isn't the "real" him, the way he is now is.  He's comfortable and confident enough to know you won't leave because you're trying to recreate how the relationship was in the beginning and don't want to give up hope.  There's no longer any need for him to be sweet and nice UNLESS he thinks you're about to leave him.  Then he might temporarily put on the sweet and nice act to rein you back in, not out of love but because he doesn't want to lose his abuse toy and meal ticket.

Now, I'm not going to try to say he doesn't care for you at all because I really have no way of knowing.  But would you treat someone you love the way he treats you?  I'm not talking about a frustrated word slipping out but insults and getting angry just because he's expressing his feelings? I can't imagine you feel loved, supported and cherished the way things are now. 

Sure, you could stick around hoping the "him" he was in the beginning comes back, but what a waste of your time that would be.  Get ready for many more years of this if you decide to stay.

[Jaunty]

Abuse is not always done on purpose for conscious reasons.   Have you heard the phrase "hurt people hurt people"?   People from abusive backgrounds tend to do what they learned.  People also tend to accept things that were "normal" to them when growing up.  It doesn't make either "right."

Regardless, I'm not quite sure why you are choosing to be so hung up on the concept of abuse here.     You are choosing to remain in a dead end situation that is not working for you in any way, whatever you want to label it.   The relationship is over. 

It's PAST time to move on.  Not to wait another half year basing your decisions on him doing some things in the future that will make it all easier.

 

 

 

[Beanfinity]

On 10/19/2023 at 9:06 PM, Beanfinity said:

It's no doubt I am at a loss as to how to handle things, which is why I'm here. So I'll just get into it.

I (F-31) and my partner (M-32) have been together for 4.5 years. We got together and moved in together shortly before the pandemic hit. It's been quite the battle since then, dealing with each others' and our own demons, and at least one accomplishment of ours is getting out of the worst of it still together. I'm not sure that will be for much longer, though.

Other than the pandemic, a couple life changes have happened to me that have fundamentally changed me as a person. I have noticed that he has also changed (in his demeanor, not his life goals). So, number one, my life goals have switched tracks, and I no longer believe we are on the same page.

I have discovered I am autistic (self-diagnosed, still valid but working on figuring it all out), and dealing with grieving the death of my sister a year ago. I do rely on my family for emotional support, and have told them about my suspected autism as well, however he has been less than absent in terms of support for both these things. It is 'not his forte' as he says. Bundled together this makes number two.

We have also not been intimate for over a year, not for a lack of trying on my part. And very sparsely before that... I have put in efforts into researching how to bring that spark back, into lifting his self-esteem to get comfortable, into setting time aside or scheduling time for intimacy (even if it's just cuddling to get back used to it), and none of it has taken. I have left it in his hands since nothing I seem to be doing is working. This is number three.

Now, the reason I am in limbo is because he is currently finishing up his last year (will be done in spring 2024) to complete a business degree and currently only has a part-time job. It would be awful to leave him now when he is at a financial disadvantage, in a less than forgiving city when it comes to rent and basic living expenses. I am afraid I'll have to wait until after he graduates and secures a job since I don't want to leave him high and dry. I do still care about him, as a person. But, I have pretty much already mentally and emotionally checked out of the relationship, after realizing it is not salvageable. 

Has anyone been in a similar situation where they care enough to wait, or would the advice rather be to cut it off sooner rather than later?

UPDATE

Thank you everyone, for your advice about my situation. I ended things a few days ago with my boyfriend. Been a lot of crying and mixed emotions since then, but I feel relieved. I am planning some big changes in my life going forward that I felt I couldn't do before, with him. It is sad that we couldn't make it work, he's not a bad guy overall, but I am feeling optimistic. He has also been rather amicable about the fallout, figuring out our situation re physically separating and moving out. So pluses all around. Thanks again everyone. Wishing you all the best in your relationships and future endeavours.

Cheers,
B

[boltnrun]

I'm glad to see you decided to do what's best for you. I wish you nothing but the best for your future.