Beanfinity

UPDATE Thank you everyone, for your advice about my situation. I ended things a few days ago with my boyfriend. Been a lot of crying and mixed emotions since then, but I feel relieved. I am planning some big changes in my life going forward that I felt I couldn't do before, with him. It is sad that we couldn't make it work, he's not a bad guy overall, but I am feeling optimistic. He has also been rather amicable about the fallout, figuring out our situation re physically separating and moving out. So pluses all around. Thanks again everyone. Wishing you all the best in your relationships and future endeavours. Cheers, B

@Wiseman2@boltnrun@MissCanuck@catfeeder Since all of your recent replies have been along the same lines re abuse, I thought to reply collectively with one post. It is hard to turn my mind that way, considering this is someone who, once, treated me so well and that I loved before. This is my naivety showing through, but I just cannot imagine someone purposefully doing harm to someone they love, just to get their way/prove they're right/treat their own insecurities. But I suppose that is the point. To fool me into thinking he actually loves me, and that he acts poorly out of love. I am briefly reminded of a time when I asked him why he behaved in such a toxic way towards me, but not when he is with friends. He didn't have a reason. He mumbled things which I should have known were bull***. @catfeeder I am not sure what you mean about fertility years, but if you mean having kids, I am not that interested/not in a rush. Another one for the book of lessons learned.

I have at various times wondered if he has been abusive to me in some way. I don't think I'm able to tell sometimes. It is difficult to peg 'abuse' when he doesn't even know he's doing it (just the way he learned how relationships are growing up), and it's contrasted with good parts of him (although inconsistently good). I know I haven't shone a light on those good parts, which is kind of the point, so I can be motivated to get up and go. I started half-heartedly looking for places months ago... should have been my first sign, right? lol

All good points. I have never insulted him (on purpose), but I am not perfect. I have been abrasive at times when I am at my wit's end. Not saying that means it's ok for him to respond in kind, or in excess. It's just hard to explain the grey in a relationship without writing a novel. *sigh* I know what I need to do.

@Batya33 I am not in fear for my physical safety, but thanks for checking in on that. He has never laid a hand on me.

Hi Batya33, I love this approach, I prefer to be direct and rational in my problem solving, however it does risk inciting my partner and him having an emotional fit, complete with guilt tripping and putting me down. I would definitely consider this, on a day I am feeling particularly brave and emotionally resilient myself.

@boltnrun Re courtesy of deciding for himself - I'm not sure he would see it as a courtesy haha but I do see your point. My fear is no matter how amicably I approach this, he will be defensive, vindictive, and insulting, as he has been in the past when I simply want to express my feelings about our relationship.

Hi Wiseman2. Oo, lots of questions. 6 months dating before living together; the bulk of the issues began 2 years into our relationship (mid-pandemic ish); he had a full-time job when we moved in together. He quit that earlier this year to go back to school for a year and finish up a degree; We co-lease; I would prefer to move out to find a cheaper place; my family isn't close by, so I can't bunk with them. The real reason... probably just to avoid a messy fallout. If I wait, the logistics would just be easier, for him. My last kindness before I disappear from his life, you could say.

Hi catfeeder, We both lived in our own apartments, then found an apartment together to move into. I think he would be offended if I offered to pay his way out lol he's proud. We are slightly entwined in terms of shared finances, but wouldn't be too hard to untangle. I just know he would complain, and make it sound like my problem somehow. I suppose my thinking in delaying would be to avoid butting heads over finances. As Morello mentioned, not a good reason to hang on.

Oh, I just responded to your first post. Thank you for another response. One thing that's always been hard for me is how to initiate conversations like this in an open, non-threatening way. I appreciate your suggestion.

Hi boltnrun. I like your username haha I never thought that he might be relieved. I think there's a level of dependency here (not financially) that makes him freak out a bit whenever I express anything doesn't fit into his life or worldview. It makes bringing up discussions about any of the above (in my post) difficult. But this does make me agree with you in that I do feel like his parent sometimes, and that is not ok. As suspected, the advice is to have 'the talk'.

Thanks Morello. He keeps talking about plans for our future, so it's hard to say if he's checked out. A discussion about it all, which will probably end in a breakup, is certainly something I should do... easier said than done.

It's no doubt I am at a loss as to how to handle things, which is why I'm here. So I'll just get into it. I (F-31) and my partner (M-32) have been together for 4.5 years. We got together and moved in together shortly before the pandemic hit. It's been quite the battle since then, dealing with each others' and our own demons, and at least one accomplishment of ours is getting out of the worst of it still together. I'm not sure that will be for much longer, though. Other than the pandemic, a couple life changes have happened to me that have fundamentally changed me as a person. I have noticed that he has also changed (in his demeanor, not his life goals). So, number one, my life goals have switched tracks, and I no longer believe we are on the same page. I have discovered I am autistic (self-diagnosed, still valid but working on figuring it all out), and dealing with grieving the death of my sister a year ago. I do rely on my family for emotional support, and have told them about my suspected autism as well, however he has been less than absent in terms of support for both these things. It is 'not his forte' as he says. Bundled together this makes number two. We have also not been intimate for over a year, not for a lack of trying on my part. And very sparsely before that... I have put in efforts into researching how to bring that spark back, into lifting his self-esteem to get comfortable, into setting time aside or scheduling time for intimacy (even if it's just cuddling to get back used to it), and none of it has taken. I have left it in his hands since nothing I seem to be doing is working. This is number three. Now, the reason I am in limbo is because he is currently finishing up his last year (will be done in spring 2024) to complete a business degree and currently only has a part-time job. It would be awful to leave him now when he is at a financial disadvantage, in a less than forgiving city when it comes to rent and basic living expenses. I am afraid I'll have to wait until after he graduates and secures a job since I don't want to leave him high and dry. I do still care about him, as a person. But, I have pretty much already mentally and emotionally checked out of the relationship, after realizing it is not salvageable. Has anyone been in a similar situation where they care enough to wait, or would the advice rather be to cut it off sooner rather than later?