Stuck in limbo

[Beanfinity]

It's no doubt I am at a loss as to how to handle things, which is why I'm here. So I'll just get into it.

I (F-31) and my partner (M-32) have been together for 4.5 years. We got together and moved in together shortly before the pandemic hit. It's been quite the battle since then, dealing with each others' and our own demons, and at least one accomplishment of ours is getting out of the worst of it still together. I'm not sure that will be for much longer, though.

Other than the pandemic, a couple life changes have happened to me that have fundamentally changed me as a person. I have noticed that he has also changed (in his demeanor, not his life goals). So, number one, my life goals have switched tracks, and I no longer believe we are on the same page.

I have discovered I am autistic (self-diagnosed, still valid but working on figuring it all out), and dealing with grieving the death of my sister a year ago. I do rely on my family for emotional support, and have told them about my suspected autism as well, however he has been less than absent in terms of support for both these things. It is 'not his forte' as he says. Bundled together this makes number two.

We have also not been intimate for over a year, not for a lack of trying on my part. And very sparsely before that... I have put in efforts into researching how to bring that spark back, into lifting his self-esteem to get comfortable, into setting time aside or scheduling time for intimacy (even if it's just cuddling to get back used to it), and none of it has taken. I have left it in his hands since nothing I seem to be doing is working. This is number three.

Now, the reason I am in limbo is because he is currently finishing up his last year (will be done in spring 2024) to complete a business degree and currently only has a part-time job. It would be awful to leave him now when he is at a financial disadvantage, in a less than forgiving city when it comes to rent and basic living expenses. I am afraid I'll have to wait until after he graduates and secures a job since I don't want to leave him high and dry. I do still care about him, as a person. But, I have pretty much already mentally and emotionally checked out of the relationship, after realizing it is not salvageable. 

Has anyone been in a similar situation where they care enough to wait, or would the advice rather be to cut it off sooner rather than later?

[Morello]

It looks like you both have checked out of this already; the best thing you can do (for both of you) is to break up. Do not wait any longer.

The financial aspect is something you can both discuss, but I would certainly not recommend staying together on that factor alone.

[boltnrun]

You might be surprised how relieved HE could be if you ended it.

He's an adult who can secure his own housing. There are plenty of ads from people who have rooms for rent. Also, his school might have resources to help him find housing.

I recommend having an honest conversation with him. Instead of playing a parenting role by deciding you have to stay with him for financial reasons, why not let him decide?

[catfeeder]

Where did he live before you moved in together?

 I would talk this through and negotiate when he should move out and how you can help him do that.

For instance, consider giving him a financial incentive to leave sooner rather than later. Maybe offering to pay his security deposit or whatever if he leaves by x date and without fighting or half that amount if he leaves a month later.

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, Beanfinity said:

  We got together and moved in together shortly before the pandemic hit. It's been quite the battle since then.We have also not been intimate for over a year. currently only has a part-time job. 

Sorry this is happening. How long were you dating before you lived together and the problems started?  Did you know he was in school and only working part time when you moved in together? 

Is it your place, his place or do you co-lease or co-own? Would you rather move out or would he? You mentioned your family is very supportive of you, can you move in with them? 

You're not responsible for supporting his education. He can work full time and find roommates. If you move out, you take control of the situation and he will have to find work and roommates to defray costs.

What is the real reason you're hanging on to this if he's cold, shuts you out and supposedly mooches off you? You're not actually stuck in anything unless  you're both on the lease, etc. Other than that it's up to him to finance his education and living costs.

[Batya33]

7 hours ago, catfeeder said:

Where did he live before you moved in together?

 I would talk this through and negotiate when he should move out and how you can help him do that.

For instance, consider giving him a financial incentive to leave sooner rather than later. Maybe offering to pay his security deposit or whatever if he leaves by x date and without fighting or half that amount if he leaves a month later.

I was going to suggest this. Also if there's been that much drama since the beginning at "demon" level sounds like this relationship is fueled more by drama/push-pull than actually caring about each other.  I'm sorry about your struggles!

[Beanfinity]

11 hours ago, Morello said:

It looks like you both have checked out of this already; the best thing you can do (for both of you) is to break up. Do not wait any longer.

The financial aspect is something you can both discuss, but I would certainly not recommend staying together on that factor alone.

Thanks Morello. He keeps talking about plans for our future, so it's hard to say if he's checked out. A discussion about it all, which will probably end in a breakup, is certainly something I should do... easier said than done.

[boltnrun]

1 minute ago, Beanfinity said:

easier said than done.

I don't think anyone suggested it would be "easy". Oftentimes things that are worthwhile are difficult. But there's no need for the both of you to be unhappy for years. 

I understand you care for him deeply. But that doesn't mean you two are suited to be in a love relationship.

Why not let him decide what's best for him? A calm discussion can be very enlightening. Say something like "This is how I'm feeling about where we are. Can you let me know what you think?"

[Beanfinity]

11 hours ago, boltnrun said:

You might be surprised how relieved HE could be if you ended it.

He's an adult who can secure his own housing. There are plenty of ads from people who have rooms for rent. Also, his school might have resources to help him find housing.

I recommend having an honest conversation with him. Instead of playing a parenting role by deciding you have to stay with him for financial reasons, why not let him decide?

Hi boltnrun. I like your username haha

I never thought that he might be relieved. I think there's a level of dependency here (not financially) that makes him freak out a bit whenever I express anything doesn't fit into his life or worldview. It makes bringing up discussions about any of the above (in my post) difficult. But this does make me agree with you in that I do feel like his parent sometimes, and that is not ok. As suspected, the advice is to have 'the talk'.

[Beanfinity]

2 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I don't think anyone suggested it would be "easy". Oftentimes things that are worthwhile are difficult. But there's no need for the both of you to be unhappy for years. 

I understand you care for him deeply. But that doesn't mean you two are suited to be in a love relationship.

Why not let him decide what's best for him? A calm discussion can be very enlightening. Say something like "This is how I'm feeling about where we are. Can you let me know what you think?"

Oh, I just responded to your first post.

Thank you for another response. One thing that's always been hard for me is how to initiate conversations like this in an open, non-threatening way. I appreciate your suggestion.

[Beanfinity]

10 hours ago, catfeeder said:

Where did he live before you moved in together?

 I would talk this through and negotiate when he should move out and how you can help him do that.

For instance, consider giving him a financial incentive to leave sooner rather than later. Maybe offering to pay his security deposit or whatever if he leaves by x date and without fighting or half that amount if he leaves a month later.

Hi catfeeder,

We both lived in our own apartments, then found an apartment together to move into.

I think he would be offended if I offered to pay his way out lol he's proud. We are slightly entwined in terms of shared finances, but wouldn't be too hard to untangle. I just know he would complain, and make it sound like my problem somehow. I suppose my thinking in delaying would be to avoid butting heads over finances. As Morello mentioned, not a good reason to hang on. 

[Beanfinity]

7 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. How long were you dating before you lived together and the problems started?  Did you know he was in school and only working part time when you moved in together? 

Is it your place, his place or do you co-lease or co-own? Would you rather move out or would he? You mentioned your family is very supportive of you, can you move in with them? 

You're not responsible for supporting his education. He can work full time and find roommates. If you move out, you take control of the situation and he will have to find work and roommates to defray costs.

What is the real reason you're hanging on to this if he's cold, shuts you out and supposedly mooches off you? You're not actually stuck in anything unless  you're both on the lease, etc. Other than that it's up to him to finance his education and living costs.

Hi Wiseman2. Oo, lots of questions.

6 months dating before living together; the bulk of the issues began 2 years into our relationship (mid-pandemic ish); he had a full-time job when we moved in together. He quit that earlier this year to go back to school for a year and finish up a degree;

We co-lease; I would prefer to move out to find a cheaper place; my family isn't close by, so I can't bunk with them.

The real reason... probably just to avoid a messy fallout. If I wait, the logistics would just be easier, for him. My last kindness before I disappear from his life, you could say.

[boltnrun]

14 minutes ago, Beanfinity said:

If I wait, the logistics would just be easier, for him. My last kindness before I disappear from his life, you could say.

But why not give him the courtesy of deciding for himself? 

As you agreed earlier, this leans toward parenting him rather than treating him as an equal adult. 

[Batya33]

Breakups are hard. But don’t use the justification of trying to find an open non threatening way to delay further. I would say “this relationship is no longer working for me or healthy for me. I plan to move out in —-and find my own place.  Let’s talk about how to end this amicably and make the transition as smooth as possible.”

[boltnrun]

When I had decided to divorce my husband I said "I haven't been happy about how our marriage has been going for a while." And he replied "Me either". We had a calm discussion. No accusations, no recriminations and no blame placing.  It actually went about as well as it could have. 

No need to say anything hurtful or self-serving. And no need to offer to do anything that could be interpreted as parenting or condescending. 

[Beanfinity]

@boltnrun

Re courtesy of deciding for himself - I'm not sure he would see it as a courtesy haha but I do see your point. 

My fear is no matter how amicably I approach this, he will be defensive, vindictive, and insulting, as he has been in the past when I simply want to express my feelings about our relationship. 

[Beanfinity]

8 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Breakups are hard. But don’t use the justification of trying to find an open non threatening way to delay further. I would say “this relationship is no longer working for me or healthy for me. I plan to move out in —-and find my own place.  Let’s talk about how to end this amicably and make the transition as smooth as possible.”

Hi Batya33,

I love this approach, I prefer to be direct and rational in my problem solving, however it does risk inciting my partner and him having an emotional fit, complete with guilt tripping and putting me down. I would definitely consider this, on a day I am feeling particularly brave and emotionally resilient myself.

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, Beanfinity said:

@boltnrun

Re courtesy of deciding for himself - I'm not sure he would see it as a courtesy haha but I do see your point. 

My fear is no matter how amicably I approach this, he will be defensive, vindictive, and insulting, as he has been in the past when I simply want to express my feelings about our relationship. 

It’s normal for people to react badly to a breakup - you’re expressing that you no longer want to be with him. And sure he should treat you with respect and often you can check your tone and words when “expressing feelings “. And also timing. If you’re worried about your physical safety if you tell him this that’s a different matter. Are you ?

[Beanfinity]

@Batya33

I am not in fear for my physical safety, but thanks for checking in on that. He has never laid a hand on me.

[boltnrun]

20 minutes ago, Beanfinity said:

My fear is no matter how amicably I approach this, he will be defensive, vindictive, and insulting, as he has been in the past when I simply want to express my feelings about our relationship. 

Even more reason to extricate yourself and not drag it out another year or two 

How awkward would it be to live with someone while only pretending to want to be in the relationship or pretending your feelings haven't changed? This isn't "kind". 

And I do speculate that he may be trying to get you to pull the plug, so to speak. Someone who's confident they want to be in a relationship doesn't respond the way you're saying he does to your very reasonable attempts to express your feelings. After all, would you resort to insulting someone you truly love? 

[Jaunty]

1 hour ago, Beanfinity said:

I suppose my thinking in delaying would be to avoid butting heads over finances.

Butting heads and sorting it out over the course of a couple of weeks or even less seems much less painful than lingering around for another half a year at least in the *hopes* that he has his finances ready to move out on his own at that time.  

You have no guarantees that he will actually be ready, especially since you say he's still talking about future plans. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Beanfinity said:

6 months dating before living together; the bulk of the issues began 2 years into our relationship he had a full-time job when we moved in together We co-lease; I would prefer to move out to find a cheaper place; 

He seems abusive. Why are you providing "kindness"  and financial support for someone like this?

Do not renew your lease. If you co-lease, you can not ask or bribe him to leave. It's easier cleaner and smoother if you just move out. It puts you in control. 

Start looking for places now, get on waiting lists etc. Don't tell him, just get your ducks in a row and plan your exit. It's better if you find your own place. 

[Beanfinity]

40 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Even more reason to extricate yourself and not drag it out another year or two 

How awkward would it be to live with someone while only pretending to want to be in the relationship or pretending your feelings haven't changed? This isn't "kind". 

And I do speculate that he may be trying to get you to pull the plug, so to speak. Someone who's confident they want to be in a relationship doesn't respond the way you're saying he does to your very reasonable attempts to express your feelings. After all, would you resort to insulting someone you truly love? 

All good points.

I have never insulted him (on purpose), but I am not perfect. I have been abrasive at times when I am at my wit's end. Not saying that means it's ok for him to respond in kind, or in excess. It's just hard to explain the grey in a relationship without writing a novel.

*sigh* I know what I need to do.

[Beanfinity]

22 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

He seems abusive. Why are you providing "kindness"  and financial support for someone like this?

Do not renew your lease. If you co-lease, you can not ask or bribe him to leave. It's easier cleaner and smoother if you just move out. It puts you in control. 

Start looking for places now, get on waiting lists etc. Don't tell him, just get your ducks in a row and plan your exit. It's better if you find your own place. 

I have at various times wondered if he has been abusive to me in some way. I don't think I'm able to tell sometimes. It is difficult to peg 'abuse' when he doesn't even know he's doing it (just the way he learned how relationships are growing up), and it's contrasted with good parts of him (although inconsistently good). I know I haven't shone a light on those good parts, which is kind of the point, so I can be motivated to get up and go.

I started half-heartedly looking for places months ago... should have been my first sign, right? lol

[Wiseman2]

14 minutes ago, Beanfinity said:

 It is difficult to peg 'abuse' when he doesn't even know he's doing it I started half-heartedly looking for places months ago... should have been my first sign, right? lol

Please read up on abusive relationships. There's a great deal of information available that is more objective than "he can't help it". 

Yes that you are already looking for places is a warning sign. Trust your instincts. When the lease is up move out.