Mom diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and will be leaving us

[havingahardtime]

Hello,

My mom has been battling skin cancer for over 4 years. She got an all clear once, but it came back. Heartbreakingly, she received the news on Monday that it has spread to her liver, lymph nodes and abdomen. It is now stage 4 and she is now on limited time.

She is only 66 and she is the most wonderful person. She does everything for everyone, and it's so unfair that this has happened to her...

I'm trying to come to terms that I'm going to lose my mom far sooner in my life than I thought... My toddler not getting to know his amazing nana who adores him breaks my heart. 

It might be months. It might be years. But what's for certain is that if she is still with us in 2 years, we would be very, very lucky...

I'm posting here both to talk about it, and to hope that maybe someone can help me with tips on how to mentally and emotionally prepare the best that I can for when the day comes.

Thank you.

[Batya33]

I would ask her what she wants. Maybe it’s space. Maybe she wants you to drive her to doctor appointments or be there with her. Is there a tv series etc she’d like to binge watch ? Does she want help finding an in person or online support group ?

Im so sorry about this situation and I’m so glad you posted. I hope you all get the support and resources you need. 

[catfeeder]

My heart goes out to you HaHT. I can only imagine how shocking this is for you and your family. I’ll think on this, and meanwhile, I’m holding you in my heart.

Cat

[Seraphim]

I am so so sorry . Spend as much time as you can with her making memories. 

[Wiseman2]

56 minutes ago, havingahardtime said:

  can help me with tips on how to mentally and emotionally prepare the best that I can for when the day comes..

Sorry this is happening. Try to be there for her and focus on quality time and quality of life. Perhaps help out around the house. Visit often and reminisce  about and celebrate her life. All the wonderful things she's done and all the wonderful times you've had.  Make her a photo album of all your times together. Make peace with everything. Let her talk. Ask her about her life before you. Let her say everything she needs to say. People who are dying are afraid they won't have time to finish what they want to finish. Remember, you're losing her, but she's losing all of you. Comfort her.

[havingahardtime]

Thank you for your replies all.

Thankfully at the moment she is feeling well, but who knows how that will change once the treatment starts. I'm lucky to have the ability to work from home so I will be using that advantage to help her and spend more time with her.

I do want to have a lovely chat on her stories from before us. I have a terrible memory for details, so I hope she will let me record our chats. Even if it's just audio.

She has so many photos of before us, I would love to go through them and learn who is who before it's too late.

Hopefully she will feel up for these chats. Obviously we will work with how she feels.

What mom wants, mom will get ❤️

She wants a family holiday in the new year with us all, so once we know how the treatment effects her, we will be organising it right away.

 

Is it silly that I imagine life after she passes, or imagine the moment it happens? It's hard, but I hope it helps even a little for the moment it happens... I am focused on the here and now and the good times as much as possible. I just can't help but imagine my little boy's first day at school and she isn't there. Or Christmas at home without her. She's such an anchor not only for us , her children, but also for her sisters. 

Her passing is going to hit so many people so hard... 

[Seraphim]

You are never ready to lose a parent . I lost my dad and my step dad and my FIL all in 16 months.

My best advice is to make all the memories with her. Memories are all that we have after they are gone. 

[Kwothe28]

My mom was yours mom age when she died few days ago. She had breast cancer, had an opperation. And was feeling very good for a while. Sadly last year, it came back through water in lungs. And it just metastasis to bones, liver and abdomen later. My mother was a fighter. She fought until very end. Sadly in a year and a half she regressed quite a bit. Lost apettite, strenght and lost a lot of weight. It came to the point she couldnt even walk properly or feed other then something like stew food. It reminds me on your case since the ages are the same and sadly, your mother cancer also did metastasis. So sadly, will say this:

There is no preparation in what is going to happen. Therapy or not, her cancer progressed quite a bit. It may be tomorrow, few months or a year. They have good therapy options now then ever before, but there is no help for some cases. It just means her life would maybe get prolonged a bit. At the expanse of her just getting worst as time progresses. I was prepared for about a year that it might happen. And it still hitted me quite hard. So just cherish the times you have left. Vacation is a good idea if she can handle it. I had a fortune of making lots of memories with my mom so there is no shortage of that. But learning about her life is also a nice idea. Cherish those moments and help her along the way. Take care.

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

My mom was yours mom age when she died few days ago. She had breast cancer, had an opperation. And was feeling very good for a while. Sadly last year, it came back through water in lungs. And it just metastasis to bones, liver and abdomen later. My mother was a fighter. She fought until very end. Sadly in a year and a half she regressed quite a bit. Lost apettite, strenght and lost a lot of weight. It came to the point she couldnt even walk properly or feed other then something like stew food. It reminds me on your case since the ages are the same and sadly, your mother cancer also did metastasis. So sadly, will say this:

There is no preparation in what is going to happen. Therapy or not, her cancer progressed quite a bit. It may be tomorrow, few months or a year. They have good therapy options now then ever before, but there is no help for some cases. It just means her life would maybe get prolonged a bit. At the expanse of her just getting worst as time progresses. I was prepared for about a year that it might happen. And it still hitted me quite hard. So just cherish the times you have left. Vacation is a good idea if she can handle it. I had a fortune of making lots of memories with my mom so there is no shortage of that. But learning about her life is also a nice idea. Cherish those moments and help her along the way. Take care.

I'm very sorry for your loss.  May her memory be for a blessing.  

I lost one of my dearest friends many years ago to breast cancer when she was 34. (about a month from now -she passed in November of that years They'd only been married a few years. What I learned the most was to put my needs aside especially at the end such as a need to see her and be with her and instead explore as much as possible what she needed/wanted from us -her husband was very helpful in that regard.  As an aside I pulled a few strings and was able to get her a meeting with an up and coming celebrity whose show calmed her during her post-chemo effects.  Sadly she was too ill to actually meet with her but this person sent her a lot of swag, etc and it helped a little!  Look for things you can do small and large -I bought her a few DVDs for example and I stayed away when she didn't want company.  I did get to see her about a week before she passed.  I miss her so.  It's hard.  

[Andrina]

Lots of great advice already given. When my friend's mother's death was imminent within months, I remember her nurse asking, "What is your biggest concern right now?" That was really a good question, and when the answer is given, you can, if at all possible, help with the hurdle/task.

They sell things like stuffed animals with a recorder, where your mother could read some storybooks your child could listen to after your mother's passing.

My mother asked for a Thanksgiving gathering with relatives flying in 8 months before she passed, and then she ordered the family photo on canvases for everyone as Christmas gifts. 

I'm glad you live nearby to give as much support as possible. Take care.

[havingahardtime]

On 10/20/2023 at 8:08 AM, Kwothe28 said:

My mom was yours mom age when she died few days ago.

I'm so very sorry for you loss💔  I'm so glad you got to spend time with your mom and make memories before she passed. Sending you my love 💓 

Your situation sounds so very similar. It's so heartbreaking no matter how much anyone prepares. I know that I will be devastated when the time comes. We know that any treatment she gets will only give us a little more time and that there is no cure. 

None of us want her to suffer. So we really hope that it doesn't happen that way.

Thank you for your advice 💕

[havingahardtime]

On 10/20/2023 at 11:12 AM, Batya33 said:

I'm very sorry for your loss.  May her memory be for a blessing.  

I lost one of my dearest friends many years ago to breast cancer when she was 34. (about a month from now -she passed in November of that years They'd only been married a few years. What I learned the most was to put my needs aside especially at the end such as a need to see her and be with her and instead explore as much as possible what she needed/wanted from us -her husband was very helpful in that regard.  As an aside I pulled a few strings and was able to get her a meeting with an up and coming celebrity whose show calmed her during her post-chemo effects.  Sadly she was too ill to actually meet with her but this person sent her a lot of swag, etc and it helped a little!  Look for things you can do small and large -I bought her a few DVDs for example and I stayed away when she didn't want company.  I did get to see her about a week before she passed.  I miss her so.  It's hard.  

I'm so very sorry about your friend 💕 It was lovely that you could make the most of the time you did have with her.

We are all looking for little and big things we can do for her. Dad has some big house projects that mom has wanted doing, one of which will be done next week. It's a beautiful covering/veranda on the side of the house so she can enjoy sitting out listening to the rain.

I have been trying to get an old negative that had the last photo of her dad printed for years. I finally found someone that was able to do it, I pick it up early next week.

I hope these things help her enjoy the time she has. 

[havingahardtime]

On 10/20/2023 at 3:14 PM, Andrina said:

Lots of great advice already given. When my friend's mother's death was imminent within months, I remember her nurse asking, "What is your biggest concern right now?" That was really a good question, and when the answer is given, you can, if at all possible, help with the hurdle/task.

That is a really good question to ask. My mom is such a worrier, so it would be lovely to remove some of the worries she has. 

Group photos will also be taken. Photos are so important.

Thank you for your message and advice 💕

[havingahardtime]

My mom is still with us ❤️ We had a lovely Christmas with everyone. She has just one treatment left of this course and then she has a little break.

She's definitely more tired and she is losing weight due to having issues keeping food down. I had a chat with dad yesterday and he did mention how it has spread everywhere. He has been with mom at the scans and it is in so many places now, including her hip and knee bones, by her stomach, across her abdomen, liver and lymph nodes. The one by her stomach is a big one I think and it's probably the one interfering with her eating. 

She did have a brain scan and thankfully it is not there. I would hate for her cognition to go when she doesn't have much time left.

I know there's nothing that anyone can do. I just wanted to come here and vent a little.

I'm just so happy we got such a lovely Christmas with her. We can dream for another, that would be amazing, but considering how it went from just localised in her foot last Feb to being everywhere 10 months later (with ongoing treatment the whole time), I'm trying to be realistic and enjoy every moment we can.

My husband got a beautiful candid photo of her while everyone was opening presents. I'll treasure it ❤️

[boltnrun]

🫂

[ShySoul]

Just want to throw in my support. Sorry you are going through this. Only thing to do is take it day by day and try to enjoy what time you have together. There are a lot of emotions you go through in such a situation. Whatever you are feeling is fine, and you should allow yourself to feel it..

A few years ago my niece was diagnosed with an inoperable brian tumor. She lived for a little over a year, passing away at 5 years old. It was heartbreaking. My brother and his wife just did everything they could to make her comfortable and happy in the time she had. That's really all you can do, live life to the fullest until the time runs out. 

My sister in law set up a Caring Bridge site. It's a non-profit that lets you set up a website to share medical information, photos, etc. with family and friends. It made sharing updates easier. She also used it to vent her emotions and was able to connect with people going through similar situations. Maybe it could help your situation as well.

https://www.caringbridge.org/about-us

[havingahardtime]

On 12/29/2023 at 4:36 AM, ShySoul said:

Just want to throw in my support. Sorry you are going through this. Only thing to do is take it day by day and try to enjoy what time you have together. There are a lot of emotions you go through in such a situation. Whatever you are feeling is fine, and you should allow yourself to feel it..

A few years ago my niece was diagnosed with an inoperable brian tumor. She lived for a little over a year, passing away at 5 years old. It was heartbreaking. My brother and his wife just did everything they could to make her comfortable and happy in the time she had. That's really all you can do, live life to the fullest until the time runs out. 

My sister in law set up a Caring Bridge site. It's a non-profit that lets you set up a website to share medical information, photos, etc. with family and friends. It made sharing updates easier. She also used it to vent her emotions and was able to connect with people going through similar situations. Maybe it could help your situation as well.

https://www.caringbridge.org/about-us

Thank you for your support and I'm so very sorry to hear about your niece. My heart goes out to you and your family.

I'm planning a day out with my mom very soon, just the 2 of us. I want some one on one time with her before it's too late. I want to write a letter of everything she means to me, since when I try to say it I get too emotional to get it out.

Happy new year to anyone reading this. I hope your 2024 is filled with happiness. 

[Batya33]

19 minutes ago, havingahardtime said:

Thank you for your support and I'm so very sorry to hear about your niece. My heart goes out to you and your family.

I'm planning a day out with my mom very soon, just the 2 of us. I want some one on one time with her before it's too late. I want to write a letter of everything she means to me, since when I try to say it I get too emotional to get it out.

Happy new year to anyone reading this. I hope your 2024 is filled with happiness. 

Wishing you and your family all the best.  I hope the day out is meaningful and helpful.

[catfeeder]

14 hours ago, havingahardtime said:

I want to write a letter of everything she means to me, since when I try to say it I get too emotional to get it out.

This is a lovely idea. You can even offer to try to read it to her. Even if you get emotional, you can both share that, and your letter can remain your guidepost for getting back on track when you are ready. Then she can have the letter to re-read and enjoy as she wishes.

Holding you both in my thoughts.

[ShySoul]

15 hours ago, havingahardtime said:

I'm planning a day out with my mom very soon, just the 2 of us. I want some one on one time with her before it's too late. I want to write a letter of everything she means to me, since when I try to say it I get too emotional to get it out.

Sounds perfect. Writing your feelings out is a great way to express all the things that may be too hard to express out loud. Plus she can have it with her to hold onto and read when she may be feeling down yourself. I hope the day is special and can give you one more great memory to hold onto and help you through these times.