Broke up when i established a boundary

[sfindependent]

Not so much a boundary, but a reason

 

Background #1: we have been dating long distance/ open for 2 years now.

Background #2: ive been struggling with finances for the past 6mos. So much so i cant havent paid rent and will have to defer a car payment and a power bill for this month. She knows im actively.working on my financial powers.

We havent seen each other in 3 mos, and have plans to see each other in a month. But she wanted to come and see me a week after my bday to visit me in town, 3 weeks before our planned visit at hers. 

Her point: visit me ahead of time because i havent seen each other before then. Trip would essentially be free for her and i wouldnt pay for anything. 

My point: id rather keep the meet up because id be poor, distracted and would essentially feel like am loser for not being able to shoulder any costs whatsoever. 

Her point: a relationship should be being there for the other.

My point: i dont feel capable of supporting myself and essentially feel like a charity cause. I dont want that and i want to be able to at least have some disposable cash to  at least get groceries. Or dinner. 

She essentially broke up with me because she didnt feel like im prioritizing the relationship. I shouldve said yes and accepted her help and let her be a good partner. But im not feeling like a good partner if i cant, as misogynistic as this may sound, be able to provide something on the proverbial table at least. 

Should i have let her come even if i felt like i couldnt be present for her when she visits?

 

 

[Wiseman2]

8 minutes ago, sfindependent said:

 i cant havent paid rent and will have to defer a car payment and a power bill for this month. She essentially broke up with me because she didnt feel like im prioritizing the relationship. 

Sorry this is happening. If she can't understand that having visitors when you're one step away from being homeless is too stressful, then it's good she's not visiting and ended things. This relationship seems too complicated and strained anyway. 

[Andrina]

I imagine you would get opinions agreeing with your decision or disagreeing, but it's not like that will help you out now. What you should be paying attention to is that she didn't care to stick around because of this one issue of your opposite viewpoints. Couples will disagree about certain things throughout their relationship. There are healthy ways to do so.

In her case, maybe it was the straw that broke the camel's back. Or maybe it was just bound to happen because LDRs have a high risk of failure because it's a very difficult way to be in a relationship. Too expensive. Too much time apart, and then too much time together when it's not the normal pace of dating. And some don't have an optimum timeframe to close the distance.

I'm sorry you're hurting.

[Batya33]

Same person I guess- from a year ago?  Sounds  like continuing drama.

 

"to put in context, when we were talking, I had a hard time pin pointing out why it was so difficult to talk to her especially when she's distressed. It was always arguing about how things made her feel and I always felt bogged down because no matter how I agreed or argued or tried to communicate with her, her emotions were at the forefront of her argument. She said I made her feel invalidated. Convos would go "that made me feel..." "thats not what happened". And so on. For her her feelings are true and used it constantly as her compass in life. Looking back at the breaking point of our relationship, she insisted I left her alone when I promised I wouldn't. And I didn't, not until she made me mad and I had to walk away for a few minutes. To her, that was enough excuse to say I left her and me prove her wrong. I mean, how can I argue with someone that thinks that way? I mean if she felt uncomfortable, she could have had a variety of responses to let us know she was upset but her choosing this path and blaming me for how she felt alone and breaking my promise etc seems a bit targeted. Its like she cant process her own feelings in a healthy way. 

I cant for the life of me figure out how to talk to her. Which is why, asking what I would do if I were my client, I'd say go no contact and let my positive energy flourish rather than be bogged down. "

 

[catfeeder]

You are both right about how each of you feel. The outcome seems to be about continual incompatibility rather than who wins a given argument.

Use this time to focus on your immediate need to find a better living arrangement that you can afford along with a solution to your earnings.

We can’t know what the future will bring, but we can do our best to resolve the problems that we face. This woman is not your immediate problem, but resolving your finances and living quarters can only benefit you regardless of whether this also helps to resolve the breakup.

[SooSad33]

On 10/16/2023 at 6:59 PM, catfeeder said:

Use this time to focus on your immediate need to find a better living arrangement that you can afford along with a solution to your earnings.

We can’t know what the future will bring, but we can do our best to resolve the problems that we face. This woman is not your immediate problem, but resolving your finances and living quarters can only benefit you regardless of whether this also helps to resolve the breakup.

I agree here.

And it shows where you two were stressed out. 

I say it's just imcompatibility. She wants this and doesn't get it.  You see from a different angle and you two are clashing - to the point, she's walked away from it all.

Let it be a life lesson.  Avoid distant relationships and good on you for keeping up with what YOU need.

Move forward.

[sfindependent]

Thanks all.... feeling my feelings.

 

Batya! Good to see you here  🙂

[rainbowsandroses]

OP, what would you do if this relationship was NOT long distance?  What if, for example, she lived a couple of blocks away?

Would you still not see each other or spend time together because you're temporarily low on funds?

My guess is you would, you'd spend  time together doing things that don't cost money.  Because that's what couples do when they care and give a *.

I don't blame her for ending it and it's not because you lack funds or she didn't want to 'stand by you.'

It's because your actions of not wanting to see her after such a long time apart even when it would cost you NOTHING to do so, reflects you don't give a ****.  

That's how it looks, to me and most likely HER. And I would guess this wasn't the first time either.

 

 

[rainbowsandroses]

On 10/16/2023 at 12:55 PM, sfindependent said:

we have been dating long distance/ open for 2 years now.

What do you mean by "open"?  You're both free to date and have sex with others?

If so, oh brother there is so much more to this than you being broke and not wanting to see her.

Yeah, good for her for ending it.  Now she's free to date a man who wants to spend time, doesn't make excuses to not do so (like being low on funds) and wants to commit to her.