Cheating, Lies, Coverups, & Instagram

[fadedfntasy]

Background: Dating for a year, long distance but both work from home and see each other whenever we want. First date last September, exclusive since December 2022. Just hit the year mark of dating. 
 

We have been fighting recently, a lot. Like, a lot. It’s been shocking to me how much and how terribly. I consider myself a compassionate and kind communicator and his handling of conflict totally throws me off recently, but this feels new. The thing is recently, he will take some mundane thing like me asking about some work assignment and drag me into a fight for 7 hours. If I say something like “Hey whatever happened to that project? You haven’t mentioned it in a while,” just casually because I’m curious about his life, instead of saying something like “oh yea I really need to do that” or “it’s going great” or “I just decided to abandon that” his response is more like “wow you pointed out something I failed to do and that makes me feel bad.” And he wants me to apologize. It totally makes no sense and throws me off. Lately if I point out something that hurt my feelings, his response is more like “you feeling like I’m hurting you doesn’t make me feel too great” and I’m supposed to apologize. And things were never like that before. It’s driving me crazy and I don’t back down and it makes our fights continue for hours as I try to make sense of things. 
 

The other night, we got into a fight about Instagram. I had mentioned in the past him sharing one of our many photos together on his feed and he said okay but never did it. When it came up this time it became a drag out fight. He gave me every excuse in the book and it felt horrible in the moment and I knew instantly it was a lie or coverup. He was saying things like “if it matters so much to you why don’t you do it?”, “I just don’t want people judging me or liking or seeing my life like that”, “I’ll put one up if it’s soooo important to you, but I don’t feel good that you care so much about what other people think,” “wow you reallly don’t trust me…” like he was trying very hard to twist a nice thing into a bad thing. I would understand if he didn’t use Instagram or something but he still adds people, made sure to put up photos on his birthday to get a lil validation, and has all the pics still up with his ex from 2 years ago! We’ve been together for a year, his family knows I am his girlfriend, we’ve gone on trips with his friends, it seems ridiculous to fight so hard. Granted, I’ve posted some stories that expire in 24 hours of us that he has reposted  in his stories as well, but I had a feeling after this huge fight that he must have been hiding those stories from someone/people since you can hide stories from individuals, but you can not hide a permanent post on your feed from anyone. Why would stories be okay but a regular post was a huge problem? I did not see another reason to flip the way he was. 

After 10 hours of fighting and yelling at me he finally admits that he’s been blocking his ex girlfriend from 2 years ago from seeing our stories for the entire year we have been dating. They had dated for 8 years, lived together, and still coparent a dog. They’re about as broken up as can be thought. He broke up with her in a pretty messy way, hurt her badly, and didn’t want to rub salt in the wound parading a new girl around is his admission. He also admits that’s silly. He then posts the photo of us. He also says he thinks she’s dating too, saw a pic of a guy on her fridge when he dropped off the dog, but they have never discussed it or anything. He says he was stupid for acting that way. I ask him if he blocked anyone else from seeing our stories other than her. He swears over and over again he didn’t. 
 

The next morning he calls to apologize again but I had noticed something. He follows very few people, but he deleted only one of them after posting our photo. I ask him directly about this. Why did you delete this one random girl today- does this have to do with the photo? He says well yea it was a person who I met before you on a dating app and she and I are just friends now and she tells me about her dates sometimes and I didn’t want her to go snooping on your page and you to ask me who it was but I guess that’s stupid. I panicked because I had never mentioned her to you and it felt not good. I keep pressing him and finally after a little while it comes out that he slept with her during our relationship. He says he felt guilty and sad after, that it happened one time only, that he also has been hiding our stories from her. But he also says she knows he has a girlfriend now. 
 

I was so upset. I asked him when it happened and if I was recently. I suggest this one night when he fell asleep and I couldn’t get in touch with him, and he doesn’t say no immediately. He says he is confused thinks it was after an Irish festival. But the Irish festival was like 2 years ago, before we even dated. So I’m like how do you not know exactly when you slept with someone one time during our relationship? I would think that is a pretty significant memory. He is “so confused” and can’t figure it out. He says it was when the bed was turned the other way (which would be before we were even dating), so I am like what are you saying? “Was it or was it not during our relationship? You just said you remember feeling sad and guilty after it happens and now you don’t remember when it was?” He is like I want to figure out the timeline..and he texts this woman to ask her. I said please don’t. But he already had. When she received the text, according to him, she was apparently mad because her friend had blocked her and was now asking when they hooked up and so she asked him to call her. And he CALLED HER. I told him I would really prefer he not but he said it felt important to give me the timeline. And they spent about 15 mins on the phone and I just sat there. I have no idea what was said. I would never believe any of it. They could have come up with a story together for all I know. It doesn’t matter. I feel really disrespected he called her. He then gets off the call and tells me okay it was November, which was after our first date but before we were official. He gives so many details now including the exact night, time, etc., and I look back through my texts and it makes sense. It lines up. It was the day after he left one of our visits after we had argued. He was questioning things and frustrated and it was early on. I can believe it was that date when looking over the timeline but do I know if it ever happened again after that? No. But he swears it was just that once. And again, I also don’t understand if she knows he has a girlfriend now and they are just friends…why he’s been blocking her from seeing my photos in his stories since then.  Is it just so this tryst wouldn’t ever come out? 
 

We continuing arguing. I am so hurt. The sex they had a year ago doesn’t even bother me weirdly. It was so long ago before he was my bf. It’s really the lies, the protection, the gaslighting, the covering up, the hiding me, the disrespect of calling her instead of begging for me that is hurting. At one point in our convo his ex had to drop off or pick up their dog quick. And after that he comes back and is crying and explains that when she came by to do that, he addressed the photo he finally posted of us, told her that he was dating someone, and she said “that’s awesome I want you to be happy.” Then he said he started crying and explained to her that he should be happy but he messed it up in a familiar way and proceeded to tell her what had been going on. And she offered him advice of having his intentions match what he wants etc.

I am humiliated that now two women know our struggles, his ex and some random woman he slept with last year.  They didn’t need to know that. I am so embarrassed and it’s stinging me. Even if we work this out and 30 years from now we are blissful with 10 babies living in paradise these women get to look at me and think well he didn’t really want her at first, he wanted me in the beginning, or he didn’t change for her, or whatever people think. I know that’s all silly and maybe just a temporary emotion but it’s still an added layer I’m going through on top of the circus of betrayal. My therapist said feeling that is human and normal. But I wanted to vent it out. 

Other things: yes he is in therapy. He has been for years. I am too.  We had a nicer talk after all this where he was basically saying that he is scared in relationships and has fears about this and them. His frustrations with life and himself had him lashing out in bad ways; earlier on in his old ways like seeking validation from women, and more recently just lashing out at me. He wants to and needs to find better ways of handling things, he loves me so much, our connection is crazy, he thinks I’m so wonderful, etc. 

I just wanted to vent. I know that the answer is going to be to leave him. I know. I just want to talk I think because I have no one to talk to right now. And I am sad. 

[Jaunty]

I have to be honest:  I stopped reading this post when I got to the part about you being "dragged" into a fight for SEVEN HOURS.

Girl.  You sure were a full participant if you're willing to stay online and engage in petty conflict for hours on end.

Why would you choose to spend your time this way?   Though, evidently the two of you are a pretty good match.  Not many people would be available for this kind of activity.

[fadedfntasy]

is this the kind of response I can expect from “enotalone” ?

yes, i know I’m not perfect. 

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, fadedfntasy said:

is this the kind of response I can expect from “enotalone” ?

yes, i know I’m not perfect. 

I am certain what he wrote was not meant that way.  I thought the input was valuable.  After a 7 hour "fight" over nothing under the sun -why come back for more? (hint- it's not because you're not "perfect.")

[Jaunty]

3 minutes ago, fadedfntasy said:

is this the kind of response I can expect from “enotalone” ?

yes, i know I’m not perfect. 

I did not imply that you think of yourself as perfect.  

Bu,t if you don't want to have this kind of horrible, contentious and wildly drama fueled situation, all you really need to do is stop engaging in the BS.  Since you are obviously very into it, I'm not sure what kind of "help" you might be seeking here.  

The best advice you are going to receive is to stop engaging, if you sincerely aren't getting something out of it.

[fadedfntasy]

Our fights lasted for hours recently. Phone, text, etc. while I simultaneously lived my life and went to work and such. I’m sure others have had fights that didn’t resolve for a long time. I am not saying I did not participate, or that they didn’t bring out bad parts of myself. I’m aware of all the negative sides but just want to talk about what happened to someone. 

[Wiseman2]

17 minutes ago, fadedfntasy said:

 His frustrations with life and himself had him lashing out in bad ways; earlier on in his old ways like seeking validation from women, and more recently just lashing out at me. 

How often do you see each other in person? How far apart are you? Unfortunately there's too much focus on social media presence. Hopefully you both review and reset your social media settings to more private settings rather than displaying your personal business this much.

He seems to like to stay in touch with exes and his collection of women perhaps as a security blanket. It's foolish he keeps them on his social media.

You seem to have different ideas about boundaries. However the biggest issue is the chronic turbulence, arguing and lashing out. Please step back and next time you see your therapist, discuss your thoughts on how much you two argue and if the relationship is right for you.

 

[Jaunty]

Saying you were "dragged into it" implies that you are somehow not responsible for your own participation.

It really shows a strong determination to participate in this kind of toxic drama to be available for it for so many hours on end on multiple occasions.  The reasons for the fights and all the minute details are really not even pertinent.  

Why are you doing this?

[fadedfntasy]

5 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I am certain what he wrote was not meant that way.  I thought the input was valuable.  After a 7 hour "fight" over nothing under the sun -why come back for more? (hint- it's not because you're not "perfect.")

Thank you. I appreciate that. I guess I took the fact that he “stopped reading” but was also saying “we are a perfect match” as an unhelpful thing to say to someone who just wrote about being hurt, embarrassed, confused, and cheated on. Especially if the person stopped reading. 

[Jaunty]

I just tried to read more.   To be honest, I cannot follow your story.  I am generally decent at reading comprehension.  But why were you fighting for TEN hours this time because this guy failed to post a picture on his IG account that you'd instructed him to post there?

Why are you in charge of what he put on his IG account?  I've never heard of that, seriously.  

If he wanted to put a picture up or not, isn't it his personal business?

 

[fadedfntasy]

Just now, Jaunty said:

I just tried to read more.   To be honest, I cannot follow your story.  I am generally decent at reading comprehension.  But why were you fighting for TEN hours this time because this guy failed to post a picture on his IG account that you'd instructed him to post there?

Why are you in charge of what he put on his IG account?  I've never heard of that, seriously.  

If he wanted to put a picture up or not, isn't it his personal business?

 

I regret posting on this forum. I will never be back. 

[fadedfntasy]

People are really feeling alone out there. You could stand to consider that. Goodbye. 

[Jaunty]

Just now, fadedfntasy said:

I regret posting on this forum. I will never be back. 

If you would like things to be different in your relationship or in other areas of your life, you will need to look at yourself and your actions FIRST and not go immediately to blaming others.   

I hope you clean this messy relationship out of your life like right now (block and delete) and learn how to take care of yourself, and have healthy boundaries in your future.  Best of luck to you.  

[Kwothe28]

8 hours ago, fadedfntasy said:

why he’s been blocking her from seeing my photos in his stories since then.

Oh that is easy. He wants to appear to be single so he could hook up with them more easily. You get mad at him, he goes to his ex or woman he had sex when he was with you, and has sex more easily then if he would have to explain you or why he wants to cheat. Women arent really keen on talking with somebody while the other side is in relationship. So he keeps the other woman around and hides you from her because its just easier for him and he would like to have options.

Now, what does that say to you about him?

[Jibralta]

13 hours ago, fadedfntasy said:

And I am sad. 

Totally understandable.

But for me, this is a no-brainer: this man is a complete waste of your time and energy. You might as well flush your heart down a toilet. Time to move on. 

One more thing: If you don't let go of the competitiveness with other women you'll have a turd for a prize. Don't let that hook snag you.

[NighttimeNightmare]

18 hours ago, fadedfntasy said:

After 10 hours of fighting and yelling at me he finally admits that he’s been blocking his ex girlfriend from 2 years ago from seeing our stories for the entire year we have been dating.

You’re stuck in these loops/cycles because you don’t yet understand how to phrase and communicate what’s actually happening. So, you’re confused. And in your confusion you argue and argue to understand and to be understood 

 

for those who don’t engage in situations like this, it really is as simple as advising you to walk away from it. Because that’s honestly all it would take to stop this: you recognizing this dynamic is unhealthy, knowing what health looks like, and removing yourself from these situations. but again, you don’t understand how to do all of that.  
 

You sound like you’re at a place in life where you believe these sorts of dynamics and arguments can be solved, “If only he’d understand my POV.” Etc.  In actuality, these sound like really deep-rooted personality issues and they aren’t going to be solved by you begging someone to be better to you 

 

so in the end, you’ve got to point the spot light onto yourself and determine the type of people and behaviors you’ll accept. You need to be able to define and communicate things that have happened to you in the past, and that which is happening now.  The confusion begins to disappear once you can do that.  Then, you wake up one day and realize this is all BS and that you’ve got more self respect then engaging in a 10 hour fight wherein you beg someone, who has proven to not care much about you, to care about you. 

[smackie9]

No one is going to say everything will be ok. You both are in therapy...two people who struggle only exasperates the issues between you. Two decent people can turn toxic being with the wrong person. Obviously he can't stop doing bad things, make bad choices...even with therapy. 

The only way to see things clearly is to cut him off, and be just with yourself and your thoughts. 

[rainbowsandroses]

On 10/13/2023 at 4:45 PM, fadedfntasy said:

If I say something like “Hey whatever happened to that project? You haven’t mentioned it in a while,” just casually because I’m curious about his life, instead of saying something like “oh yea I really need to do that” or “it’s going great” or “I just decided to abandon that” his response is more like “wow you pointed out something I failed to do and that makes me feel bad.” And he wants me to apologize. It totally makes no sense and throws me off. Lately if I point out something that hurt my feelings, his response is more like “you feeling like I’m hurting you doesn’t make me feel too great” and I’m supposed to apologize. And things were never like that before. It’s driving me crazy and I don’t back down and it makes our fights continue for hours as I try to make sense of things. 

Here's my take.  Since this is new behavior, he's not angry about any of this ^ or about IG, per se. 

It goes much deeper than that. He's clearly unhappy in this relationship and with you, and probably has been for awhile.  He may feel controlled, pressured who the hell knows even if that's not your intention.

He wants out so instead of indulging him in these silly argument marathons, simply tell him it's obvious your relationship has run its course, he's not happy, you're not happy.  Wish him well, bye.  

NO argument, no drama just bye. 

If I may ask, how in the world can you tolerate being yelled at.for 7 and 10 hours?  

I would have left that scene after one minute of thst BS especially over something so petty. And NO, I would not have apologized in those instances like he demanded. 

You cannot fix what can't be fixed, this is done.