Am I ( 28 F) wrong for not telling my date (26 M) that I go to a therapist?

[Smartcoukie]

I (28F) have recently started dating (26 M), we've been on 3 dates so far and considering how it went and the dating culture where I live it's safe to say we're in a relationship even though I still believe a clear establishing conversation is actually needed for such thing.. on our second date due to him having a business trip we arranged to meet for brunch right before my appointment with my therapist/psychologist because we couldn't arrange any other time.. I didn't feel comfortable telling him about it because I didn't feel comfortable enough telling the guy about my mental health, we barely know each other and I'm actually doing this as a new thing; as in actively and consciously preventing myself from over sharing and being too raw and vulnerable with people from the get go because of previous experiences and being given this advice. So I just told him I had an appointment with a physiotherapist for some back problems. He however asked me about it so I had to talk in some details which made me feel bad for lying especially since I couldn't find transportation and he kindly offered me a ride there... is it okay because I'm just protecting my privacy and actually being prudent or is it still lying?

PS: I 100000% will be telling him about it all in the future if we stay together and become more serious and feel more comfortable sharing more of myself with him.

Any advice on handling this is VERY appreciated

[Seraphim]

Oversharing before you know a person is a safe person is never good . 

[Smartcoukie]

1 minute ago, Seraphim said:

Oversharing before you know a person is a safe person is never good . 

Thank you! I needed this validation because I'm just starting to learn this and become aware that actually oversharing like I used to do isn't a good "repellent" or filter for people who would be a good fit, and that in the wrong hands it can be used against me in an abusive relationship just like it happened before to me. It's just that I'm finding it hard and feeling guilty as if I'm being fake or a liar

[Wiseman2]

14 minutes ago, Smartcoukie said:

 I will be telling him about it all in the future if we stay together and become more serious and feel more comfortable sharing more of myself with him.

This is an excellent idea. Try to get to know each other first. It's best to share sensitive information only with trusted friends and family. 

[rainbowsandroses]

I agree with not oversharing but you did not have to lie either.  All you needed to say was "I have an appointment."  Which was the truth. 

It was your second date, he did not need to know anything other than that - you have an appointment. He did not need to know with whom or why.

Now you're in a pickle because when you do tell him the truth, he's going to wonder why you lied and if you will lie in the future.

It may negatively impact his ability to trust you. 

[Smartcoukie]

2 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I agree with not oversharing but you did not have to lie either.  All you needed to say was "I have an appointment."  Which was the truth. 

It was your second date, he did not need to know anything other than that - you have an appointment. He did not need to know with whom or why.

Now you're in a pickle because when you do tell him the truth, he's going to wonder why you lied and if you will lie in the future.

It may negatively impact his ability to trust you. 

Unfortunately it's not feasible what you're suggesting, I couldn't just say an appointment because I said that at first when we started planning the time of the date and he asked ( we're kind of friends and talked about other things and work before he asked me out so it would be seen as rude if after asking I just responded with " it's an appointment" or just refuse to tell him) that would've been much easier and I wouldn't have been in this situation.

[Cherylyn]

I agree with @rainbowsandroses  You don't have to divulge while you don't have to lie either.  In hindsight,  you could've said,  "I have an appointment of personal nature" and left it at that.  Generally, people will take a hint and they won't pry if they have common decency. 

If you decide to tell him the truth in the future,  be prepared.  He could very well look upon your lying with disdain or he could accept your lie with an explanation.  Usually,  people do not like being lied to and they'll either learn to distrust you overall or if you're lucky,  they'll give you another chance to prove you will be honest from this day forward.  This is the chance you will take.  In the future,  there is a way to be vague without lying.   

[rainbowsandroses]

It's not rude to decline a date because you have plans, whether it's a doctor's appointment or anything else.

Maybe I'm missing some context but not sure why you felt obligated to explain what type of appointment it was, it was only your second date.  He wasn't your boyfriend 

Let alone lying about it.  Telling him you're seeing a physical therapist for some back problems.  Do you even have back problems?

Anyway jmo and hopefully when you tell him the truth, he will understand and not allow it to negatively impact his ability to trust you should you proceed forward. 

Good luck. 

 

[Batya33]

24 minutes ago, Smartcoukie said:

Thank you! I needed this validation because I'm just starting to learn this and become aware that actually oversharing like I used to do isn't a good "repellent" or filter for people who would be a good fit, and that in the wrong hands it can be used against me in an abusive relationship just like it happened before to me. It's just that I'm finding it hard and feeling guilty as if I'm being fake or a liar

Is he lying if he doesn't tell you that right before he saw you he saw his doctor about his constant bouts with flatulence at night? No he's just choosing not to share personal information.

[Batya33]

13 minutes ago, Smartcoukie said:

Unfortunately it's not feasible what you're suggesting, I couldn't just say an appointment because I said that at first when we started planning the time of the date and he asked ( we're kind of friends and talked about other things and work before he asked me out so it would be seen as rude if after asking I just responded with " it's an appointment" or just refuse to tell him) that would've been much easier and I wouldn't have been in this situation.

It's always ok to say you have "an appointment" not his business what it is.

[Kwothe28]

Dont think personal stuff like that, who dont concern him, should be discclosed until later. You are still getting to know each other. Him knowing you are going to therapy would create a lot of questions from his side that could detoriate a relationship. Especially its early on. Later down the line I do agree that he should know.

However, I dont agree with you lying to him. You shouldnt have mentioned it at all. Especially because you suffer from "oversharing". Its especially bad since he drove you away. What if he checked where he drove you?

You should have just said that you got some other obligations later without specifying it. Or better yet, not said anything at all. And/or schedule appointment and date at different days.

[boltnrun]

You're in a relationship but you barely know each other?

I guess I don't understand how you can be in a relationship with someone you barely know. 

[Batya33]

10 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

Dont think personal stuff like that, who dont concern him, should be discclosed until later. You are still getting to know each other. Him knowing you are going to therapy would create a lot of questions from his side that could detoriate a relationship. Especially its early on. Later down the line I do agree that he should know.

However, I dont agree with you lying to him. You shouldnt have mentioned it at all. Especially because you suffer from "oversharing". Its especially bad since he drove you away. What if he checked where he drove you?

You should have just said that you got some other obligations later without specifying it. Or better yet, not said anything at all. And/or schedule appointment and date at different days.

I agree -find generic ways to describe where you are/ what you are doing -and only when that is necessary in context -less is more.  I often tell people I'm not available because I'm making lunch or dinner or having lunch or dinner whether I'm doing so alone or out or with people or not. Not their business that I love my alone time to eat - I am no longer an eat on the run person or want to talk on the phone or text much when I eat.  I also prefer not to meet for lunch but for coffee for the same reasons -but it's not their business that it's "because" I like my alone time.

I met a woman as a "first meet" through FB (platonic!) and we met for lunch and when we arrived she said something about she wouldn't be eating -vaguely referred to medical issues. I was completely casual, didn't ask her more -I ate etc. Her business what they are and I could tell she felt she should say something but was hesitant to share much so I completely respected her privacy and even if it was a fib -even if she simply had a tummy ache that day - it's fine -people are entitled to not share personal stuff with a stranger.

[smackie9]

I agree with the others, you shouldn't tell him anything, and you don't need to lie about it either. You can simply tell him you have other plans, busy, etc. If he asks you can tell him straight out it's personal. If he can't handle a boundary being set, then he's not worth pursuing.

The way to gauge/weigh this situation is by putting yourself in the other person's shoes...and what would you expect of them if they had something as personal as this to later reveal about themselves.