What went wrong???

[DariaM239]

Ok. So I've been dating recently and I started talking to some guy. We hit it off extremely well. ***, he was more into me than I was in the beginning. So after several encounters and texting non stop, he asked that I spent the night with him. I agreed and told him way before I even left my house that we were not going to hook up and he was fine with that. So I get there we have a great time, watched movies,  cuddled, no hooking up. And then he falls asleep. It 2am I'm not sleepy at all, I honestly want to go home because I was just uncomfortable, but I had no way of getting home, I am an hour and a half away from my house. Then at that moment my best guy friend (we've been bestfriends for 14 years) txted me saying he just got out of work (I txt my bestfriends all the time) and I asked him if he could pick me up. He said sure, I'll be there in 40 min. As my bestfriend is getting closer, I start getting ready to head out. Then the guy wakes up and says 

"whats wrong, where are you going"?

Me: I'm going home

Him: What do you mean you're going home, how are you getting home??

Me: Oh it's fine my friend is picking me up.

Him: Your friend is picking you up at this time all the way here???

Me: Yeah, it's no big deal, we do stuff like this for each other all the time.

So then my friend arrives, he takes me home. All is good, at least I thought so... Ever since that day the guy started acting super weird. And I apologized to him for leaving and he responded by saying "Na you just dont *** w/ me, you just wanted to be with your friend" I said "Oh no stop that ***, cause I had a great time with you" and then he said ok. SO later that weekend, we were supposed to hang out and I txted him asking him if we were still on for the movies. He never answered my txt and later that night he posted on social media showing that he was out and about and I could see a girl was there. Idk if she was with him or he just took the picture to make it seem like he was with her with the intention of me looking at it. Regardless, he completely ghosted me! Still has never responded and he even unfollowed me on social media. Yes I am hurt because we were doing SO WELL. So now my question is, what do you think went wrong? I've asked my friends and coworkers what they think. Obviously they all said that he’s clearly immature and definitely felt a type of way that I left, and not only that my left with another guy (even if that was my bestfriend). To me at that moment I saw nothing wrong with it cause my friend is my best friend of over 10 years but I can understand how it may seem weird to someone looking at it from the outside. So yeah guys, I'm hurt 😞 cause like I said earlier we were doing so well, he was super sweet and caring with me and now he's ghosted me. And my pathetic self even reached out to him and still nothing haha.

[Batya33]

I don't think it was appropriate or thoughtful of you to leave in the middle of the night in the way you did since the plan was for you to spend the night. Did you have a plan for the next morning? I agree he reacted in an immature way but you "ghosted" him -weren't you going to just sneak out if he hadn't woken up?

[lostandhurt]

Let it go.

Sometimes things go so well and suddenly end and that is why we date.  We find things out about each other and sometimes they are deal breakers.

 In this case he is butt hurt that you wanted to leave after agreeing to sleep over.  Then you had another guy pick you up which made his butt hurt even more.  Doesn't matter that it is an old friend or not.

 You probably should have woken him up and let him know you had a wonderful time with him but you can't sleep so you are heading home.  Then you could explain you have a friend getting off work soon or whatever and he is picking you up.

 This guy is not very understanding and more than likely thought he was going to  get sex even though you made it clear to him earlier that you wouldn't be doing that.  Guys can be sweet and fun just to get sex sometimes so you were right to make him wait and see his true intentions and character.  I think  he did you a favor by ghosting you.

Lost

[Kwothe28]

14 minutes ago, DariaM239 said:

Yes I am hurt because we were doing SO WELL.

No you werent, you dont really know that man and neither he knows you.

Case in point:

14 minutes ago, DariaM239 said:

To me at that moment I saw nothing wrong with it cause my friend is my best friend of over 10 years

How was he suppose to know that? He saw you sneaking out of his home and getting in car with some other man at 2AM. You should have communicated all of this better. He thought you were maybe spending a night. If you wanted to get out earlier, you should have said that to him, not sneak out.

I dont defend him and I think you accidentally dodged a huge bullet there judging by his behavior later. But this whole situation is on you. And on your poor communication. If you were trying to leave you should have pick better then "This man will take me home at 2AM" route.

[DariaM239]

25 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I don't think it was appropriate or thoughtful of you to leave in the middle of the night in the way you did since the plan was for you to spend the night. Did you have a plan for the next morning? I agree he reacted in an immature way but you "ghosted" him -weren't you going to just sneak out if he hadn't woken up?

You are right 100%. I ***ed up. That wasn't the right way to go about it. I was only thinking of how I felt at that moment and not how he was going to feel about it afterwards. Even if my friend had not picked me up, I was going to make it back home, regardless. Also, I wasn't going to sneak out. I was going to wake him up but he just happened to wake up first. Oh well

[DariaM239]

25 minutes ago, lostandhurt said:

Let it go.

Sometimes things go so well and suddenly end and that is why we date.  We find things out about each other and sometimes they are deal breakers.

 In this case he is butt hurt that you wanted to leave after agreeing to sleep over.  Then you had another guy pick you up which made his butt hurt even more.  Doesn't matter that it is an old friend or not.

 You probably should have woken him up and let him know you had a wonderful time with him but you can't sleep so you are heading home.  Then you could explain you have a friend getting off work soon or whatever and he is picking you up.

 This guy is not very understanding and more than likely thought he was going to  get sex even though you made it clear to him earlier that you wouldn't be doing that.  Guys can be sweet and fun just to get sex sometimes so you were right to make him wait and see his true intentions and character.  I think  he did you a favor by ghosting you.

Lost

So true. It's good that I saw his behavior now rather than much later. I didn't handle the situation well either. But yupp I have to let it gooooo , thanks for the advice!

[smackie9]

Ummm the guy fell asleep on you, you didn't feel comfortable anymore and wanted to go home. That is your right to do so. You were not obligation to stay. As far as you are concerned the date was over. The purpose of the date was to hookup, that didn't happen, so what ev. If he didn't like it oh well. You two weren't compatible enough, or knew each other enough to make this work. You can let this go now, all is good. 👍

[DariaM239]

48 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

No you werent, you dont really know that man and neither he knows you.

Case in point:

How was he suppose to know that? He saw you sneaking out of his home and getting in car with some other man at 2AM. You should have communicated all of this better. He thought you were maybe spending a night. If you wanted to get out earlier, you should have said that to him, not sneak out.

I dont defend him and I think you accidentally dodged a huge bullet there judging by his behavior later. But this whole situation is on you. And on your poor communication. If you were trying to leave you should have pick better then "This man will take me home at 2AM" route.

Ok yeah I'm a little dramatic lmao you're right I don't even know him like that. Appreciate your response!

[DariaM239]

12 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

Ummm the guy fell asleep on you, you didn't feel comfortable anymore and wanted to go home. That is your right to do so. You were not obligation to stay. As far as you are concerned the date was over. The purpose of the date was to hookup, that didn't happen, so what ev. If he didn't like it oh well. You two weren't compatible enough, or knew each other enough to make this work. You can let this go now, all is good. 👍

YES, I was under no obligation to stay either. Definitely will have to let this go. Thank you for your response! 

[Batya33]

6 minutes ago, DariaM239 said:

YES, I was under no obligation to stay either. Definitely will have to let this go. Thank you for your response! 

Did you two have a plan for the next day ? I can see why he fell asleep at night. How and when were you going to tell him you left?  I invited a guy to stay over - no sex - because he also would have had a 1.5 hour trip back. He knew I lived in a studio apartment. Of course there’s a couch but it’s a large room with a large bed lol. He acted like it was a crazy idea for us to sleep in the same bed (I had no interest in having sex or even cuddling- the bed was king size plenty of room for our own spaces ). I was surprised he was surprised. He did stay but it was very awkward and I believe that was our 4th and last date. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, DariaM239 said:

 after several encounters and texting non stop, he asked that I spent the night with him. I agreed and told him way before I even left my house that we were not going to hook up 

Sorry this happened . Was this your first date? Why was he this far away? How old is he? 

What types of "encounters" did you have before this? Try to avoid texting 24/7 before meeting or texting all day everyday before there's a relationship.

It seems like you dodged a bullet. He was just looking for hookups. It's good you called your friend and got home safely.

Next time,  date a while before agreeing to in home dates and overnight dates.  Try to date locally and make sure you have your own transportation.

[boltnrun]

Did you not have your own means of transportation? What I mean is, did you choose not to drive yourself?

[catfeeder]

How did you get to his place? If he did a 3 hour drive to pick you up, then of course he was tired. But he may have been looking forward to spending time with you the next morning, so waking up to you leaving with another guy probably hurt his feelings.

You’d have nothing to lose by trying to learn how you can make this up to him, but it doesn’t sound promising.

[DariaM239]

14 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Did you two have a plan for the next day ? I can see why he fell asleep at night. How and when were you going to tell him you left?  I invited a guy to stay over - no sex - because he also would have had a 1.5 hour trip back. He knew I lived in a studio apartment. Of course there’s a couch but it’s a large room with a large bed lol. He acted like it was a crazy idea for us to sleep in the same bed (I had no interest in having sex or even cuddling- the bed was king size plenty of room for our own spaces ). I was surprised he was surprised. He did stay but it was very awkward and I believe that was our 4th and last date. 

Nope! Everything was super spontaneous tbh haha I'm crazy. We both had work the next day too. Hooking up was never going to be an option for us cause I was on my period anyways (and he knew that as well) but he still asked me to come over. I was going to wake him up before I left, but he just happened to wake up before i got the chance. And oh man! How did you guys end it? Did you both communicate it to each other?

[DariaM239]

34 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened . Was this your first date? Why was he this far away? How old is he? 

What types of "encounters" did you have before this? Try to avoid texting 24/7 before meeting or texting all day everyday before there's a relationship.

It seems like you dodged a bullet. He was just looking for hookups. It's good you called your friend and got home safely.

Next time,  date a while before agreeing to in home dates and overnight dates.  Try to date locally and make sure you have your own transportation.

He lived far. He's 25 and I'm 28 🙃 this is what I get for giving a younger guy a chance, haha. But no it was not the first date! We would always meet up in the city beforehand, txt everyday and talk on the phone for the first few months. And yeah it seems like I did dodge a bullet lol but yes you're right! I appreciate your advise, you make a valid point 🙂 

[DariaM239]

40 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

How did you get to his place? If he did a 3 hour drive to pick you up, then of course he was tired. But he may have been looking forward to spending time with you the next morning, so waking up to you leaving with another guy probably hurt his feelings.

You’d have nothing to lose by trying to learn how you can make this up to him, but it doesn’t sound promising.

I took the train to his place so that when he was out of work, me and him would be arriving at his place around the same time. Trains stop running after midnight and uber was charging 100 f****** dollars. Hence why i asked my friend to pick me up. Originally I was going to catch the first morning train back home cause he knew I had to get to work, so spending time with him in the morning was not an option. I tried reaching out to him via txt but he ignored my message /: clearly he is too immature to hear me out or even express to me how the whole situation made him feel. Even if it's just to tell me to *** off, I wish he would just say that to me then, but oh well. Got to move on

[MissCanuck]

You were under no obligation to stay, of course, but you could have handled it much better than you did. 

 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, DariaM239 said:

Nope! Everything was super spontaneous tbh haha I'm crazy. We both had work the next day too. Hooking up was never going to be an option for us cause I was on my period anyways (and he knew that as well) but he still asked me to come over. I was going to wake him up before I left, but he just happened to wake up before i got the chance. And oh man! How did you guys end it? Did you both communicate it to each other?

Ok so if it’s ha ha I’m crazy and I like to be spontaneous understand that if you don’t communicate in a direct and thoughtful way you can’t excuse it with sorry I’m crazy and spontaneous. I’d avoid last minute sleepovers in that situation. In my situation I told him basically I wasn’t interested in dating anymore. He’d done other odd things. This was in 1993. 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, DariaM239 said:

I took the train to his place so that when he was out of work, me and him would be arriving at his place around the same time. Trains stop running after midnight and uber was charging 100 f****** dollars. Hence why i asked my friend to pick me up. Originally I was going to catch the first morning train back home cause he knew I had to get to work, so spending time with him in the morning was not an option. I tried reaching out to him via txt but he ignored my message /: clearly he is too immature to hear me out or even express to me how the whole situation made him feel. Even if it's just to tell me to *** off, I wish he would just say that to me then, but oh well. Got to move on

But you knew trains stop running so was your plan to spontaneously call your male friend to make that long drive out in the middle of the night if you didn’t feel like staying ? 

[DariaM239]

40 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

You were under no obligation to stay, of course, but you could have handled it much better than you did. 

 

You're right. I wish I could've done things differently but it's too late for that now. I can only move on from this.

[DariaM239]

35 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

But you knew trains stop running so was your plan to spontaneously call your male friend to make that long drive out in the middle of the night if you didn’t feel like staying ? 

Actually, I didn't know the trains stopped running after midnight cause we're I'm from the trains run 24/7 but since he lives in a town, they only run certain hours. And it was never my plan to call my friend! I was going to leave regardless. But oh well, all I can do now is move on from this and make better choices next time /: 

[rainbowsandroses]

Well I'm a woman but having grown up with five brothers and hearing all their stores, plus my own experiences, here's my take seeing it from his side. 

You didn't want to have sex with him even when sleeping overnight in his bed -- Translation (in HIS mind):  She's not attracted to me 

You left in the middle of the night after agreeing to stay the night, and as if that's not hurtful enough (in HIS eyes) you were picked up by another guy. 

Translation (in his mind):  She's not attracted to me and possibly playing me.

By your own admission things were going well, he was sweet and attentive, so yeah obviously he was HURT by your actions. 

He may believe you were playing him, he felt foolish and that is why he ghosted. 

 

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, DariaM239 said:

Him: Your friend is picking you up at this time all the way here???I apologized to him for leaving and he responded by saying "Na you just dont *** w/ me, you just wanted to be with your friend" I   he even unfollowed me on social media. 

Are you two exclusive or just hooking up here and there whenever? You already know that leaving in the middle of the night with your male best friend was the deal breaker. 

[Batya33]

I had many many sleepovers with men with no sex -which we decided on beforehand when fully clothed lol - and the men who saw serious potential never thought I wasn't attracted -because I made it clear I was and made my values about sex clear as well. And these men were very often on the same wavelength -wanted to have an overnight and wanted to wait to have sex.  Sometimes the sleepovers were on the 4th or 5th date. Never involved drinking too much (I've never been drunk) and always involved simple, clear communication -so no mixed messages/hurt feelings.

I don't think he ghosted her- she left him -ghost-like -in the middle of the night with another man "her friend".  Totally fine if he decided not to be in touch anymore -probably better than telling her how he felt about her antics.  

I agree he overreacted and acted childish.  Just not a good match overall.  But I wouldn't place blame on him for not wanting to deal with her again. 

[HeartGoesOn]

Unless I'm missing something, was this your first meet-up in person?

If so, you're lucky you were able to leave his residence without incident, especially in this day and age.