Rough patch or officially the end

[Mandusha]

Where do I start? We have been together for 16 years. We had kids together at a young age and have had to grow up together through a lot. I’m (32) F and he is (33) M. He hasn’t found a “career” or done anything since high school whereas I was forced to get educated and find my career. 
 

this past Sunday I noticed he was becoming distant. He started falling a sleep on the couch more frequently and physical touch was less. I asked if he was happy. And now he is being vindictive and spiteful towards me. He openly admitted to withholding affection from me because he was awkward. He now takes drives to get away from me or our life. I asked to go to couple counselling and he has refused to. I’m absolutely heartbroken. 
 

so I guess, this is the end isn’t it? I have offered to go stay at my mom’s for a bit so he gets the space he wants but he doesn’t want that happening. I just don’t want to bend to his every whim just to have some sort of connection and then he hurts me. I just want stuff to be back to the way it use to be. 

[Capricorn3]

10 minutes ago, Mandusha said:

this past Sunday I noticed he was becoming distant. He started falling a sleep on the couch more frequently and physical touch was less. And now he is being vindictive and spiteful towards me. He openly admitted to withholding affection from me because he was awkward. He now takes drives to get away from me or our life.

Could he be having an affair?

[Andrina]

This is a bit abrupt for you to be thinking this is the end, when his behavior changed less than a week ago.

Are you saying since high school he's worked a minimum wage job, or has he been a stay-at-home dad?

Do not live outside the family home, as in he stays with the kids and you go to your mom's, or he could say you abandoned the family home if it gets to the point of divorce and he's seeking full custody of the kids with you paying him child support. 

You want things the way they used to be before last Sunday, or some other point in time?

Have you had regular discussions over the years about "the state of your union"? Sometimes I ask my husband if there's anything he'd want improved in our marriage, and if there's anything he wants that's not happening.

As for you, do you think you've outgrown the marriage and it's all you know and change scares you? Or, do you ever fantasize about starting a new chapter in your life, if it could be done easily? Or, do you love him and wish you could stay together forever if only he treated you better and had a higher work ethic?

Can you elaborate what he says or does to be vindictive and spiteful? Are the children witnessing this? How is he as a father? Just trying to get a bigger picture.

[Wiseman2]

16 minutes ago, Mandusha said:

 he is being vindictive and spiteful towards me. He openly admitted to withholding affection from me because he was awkward. He now takes drives to get away from me or our life. 

Sorry this is happening. Do you both work and contribute roughly equally financially and as far as childcare and household stuff? How old are the children? 

When did this disconnect start and why? Does he have issues with substance use, alcohol or mental or physical health issues? 

Whose house is it and why would you offer to leave? Are you legally married? Are there arguments?  Is he having affairs?  What does he claim the problem is and why is he being "vindictive"?

Do not ask if he's happy or go to couples therapy. Instead see a physician for STD testing and ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support. 

If you are legally married or co-own assets please confidently and privately consult an attorney for information support and advice on your situation. Do not threaten or offer to leave. Get all the information, support and advice you need privately so you can decide what to do.

[Capricorn3]

10 minutes ago, Capricorn3 said:

Could he be having an affair?

Ooops.  Cancel that.  I missed that you only noticed this a week ago.

[Kwothe28]

6 hours ago, Mandusha said:

He started falling a sleep on the couch more frequently and physical touch was less. I asked if he was happy. And now he is being vindictive and spiteful towards me. He openly admitted to withholding affection from me because he was awkward. He now takes drives to get away from me or our life. I asked to go to couple counselling and he has refused to.

I think he is acting like it is over. No physical touch, refuses to be in the same bed, throwing tantrums and refuses to even fix things. So yeah, think you should prepare for the divorce.

[Batya33]

How long have you been married? Do you have your own financial savings?

[smackie9]

Why not just ask him if he wants a divorce. 

[catfeeder]

He sounds angry. If you could win up to a million dollars to guess why, how much of that money could you win?

I’d avoid confronting him about his behavior and approach him instead to learn why he’s upset with you.

[rainbowsandroses]

17 hours ago, Mandusha said:

This past Sunday I noticed he was becoming distant. He started falling a sleep on the couch more frequently and physical touch was less.  I asked if he was happy. And now he is being vindictive and spiteful towards me. He openly admitted to withholding affection from me because he was awkward. He now takes drives to get away from me or our life. I asked to go to couple counselling and he has refused to. I’m absolutely heartbroken. 

I'm confused about what he meant by feeling "awkward" in the context you described.

In any event, although his withdrawal seems quite sudden and extreme, it may have been brewing in his mind for a long while before that.  And he simply snapped and reached a breaking point.

Course without hearing HIS side of things it's impossible to know why.  

16 years is a long time.  You didn't say if you were married or not but if you are, I would talk with a lawyer asap.  For yourself and you're kids. Find out what your options are in case of divorce.

Whether you're legally married or not, if me I would leave and stay with friends or family for awhile.

Whatever is happening, you both need some space to recalibrate, then when dust settles, have an open and honest discussion about the state of your relationship.

Point blank ask him why he's so upset with you.  Don't ask in an angry or confrontational way, he will get defensive and that won't resolve anything.

Discuss calmly and rationally.  I always found that opening up about my feelings in a calm manner made it easier for them to do same. 

Then listen, really listen.  Hear what he's saying without becoming defensive, angry or defensive.

Ideally, he will do same with you and you can both get to the bottom of this and hopefully find a resolution you can both live with. 

If it means parting ways after 16 years, so be.

All the best, hope y'all can work it out.