anxious attachment

[lovergal]

Hey guys!

I started talking to this guy a few weeks ago. We met off a dating app but we haven't met in person yet. We text daily and we talked on the phone twice.

I am slowing getting interested in him and unfortunately, that has spiked my anxious attachment and I don't know what to do.

Here are some context:

Sometimes when we text - he texts back quick  but sometimes hes slow... but today for example the last text sent was by me at 10am and it is now almost 4pm and he posted something on social media awhile ago.
He says he wants something serious but he goes out a lot like partying 
When we talk on the phone - its great! The convo goes sooo smooth and we could be talking for an hour but it feels like 20 mins
Last friday - he randomly called me while he was driving, which I appreciated
Our texts are pretty much the same everyday (good morning, hows work, what are you up to)
He is busy this week and I want to see him next weekend (the plan is to go to some halloween maze - he said he was down but idk I'm always thinking the worst)

I feel like I should just pull away. He doesn't seem interested. And I already am getting anxious and in the past that never works out for me.
Or I was thinking of just pulling away and then texting him next week to make plans.
How can I make our texts interesting? Or how can I work on communicating better?

Any advice?

[boltnrun]

4 minutes ago, lovergal said:

Any advice?

Yes. Meet in person ASAP so you can see if you two actually hit it off in real life. And stop with the meaningless texting. You can't conduct a relationship over an electronic device, especially with someone you never met and don't know. 

[lovergal]

Just now, boltnrun said:

Yes. Meet in person ASAP so you can see if you two actually hit it off in real life. And stop with the meaningless texting. You can't conduct a relationship over an electronic device, especially with someone you never met and don't know. 

I completely agree.

He's busy this week with a work trip so hopefully I can see him next week.

He messaged me last week asking when he could see me but I was busy last week.

[rainbowsandroses]

5 minutes ago, lovergal said:

I completely agree.

He's busy this week with a work trip so hopefully I can see him next week.

He messaged me last week asking when he could see me but I was busy last week.

I don't get this "being busy" stuff, it takes 30 minutes to meet for coffee and gauge in person chemistry.

Did you not have 30 minutes during the entire week to meet? 

IDK, if I were him, I would be questioning your interest. 

He has a work trip so perhaps that's different however when two people truly want to meet, they make time.

Do you know what attachment style he is? 

[lovergal]

4 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I don't get this "being busy" stuff, it takes 30 minutes to meet for coffee and gauge in person chemistry.

Did you not have 30 minutes during the entire week to meet? 

IDK, if I were him, I would be questioning your interest. 

He has a work trip so perhaps that's different however when two people truly want to meet, they make time.

Do you know what attachment style he is? 

Last week, I was busy with family stuff, work and school. I also had a flat tire and had to get my car fixed which took 2 days. Then I had my period. I suffer from endometriosis so when I'm on my period - I can barely leave the house from all the pain/bleeding . So no... I did not have 30 mins. l'm usually not a busy person and can easily make time but last week I just couldn't.

But I'm free this week (he's not free) and next week.

I'm not sure what his attachment style is. But I get a sense that he thinks the texts are getting boring. So I was thinking of randomly calling him tonight before bed. But idk if its too much

[Batya33]

It is too much. Contact only to make and confirm plans.  Also please don’t blame him for his lack of texting as you chose not to make an hour to meet him in person - life happens every week. You make time as you feel like it. I’d not focus on styles labels and just on what’s actually going on. 

[Sindy_0311]

Just stop texting or calling him. You said you will be free next week, so if he wants to meet you, he will reach out. Don’t text unless it’s to set up a first meet, because this is the best way to become boring, in fact. Just tell him that you rather talk to him in person and that you are free next week if he wants to meet. You already waisted to much time and energy in a guy you don’t even know…. He is just a number and a photo on a screen and the same goes for you. 

 

[lovergal]

3 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Just stop texting or calling him. You said you will be free next week, so if he wants to meet you, he will reach out. Don’t text unless it’s to set up a first meet, because this is the best way to become boring, in fact. Just tell him that you rather talk to him in person and that you are free next week if he wants to meet. You already waisted to much time and energy in a guy you don’t even know…. He is just a number and a photo on a screen and the same goes for you. 

 

omg youre so harsh and miserable lol but ok....

[boltnrun]

It seems you're already afraid of "losing" this guy. You haven't even met yet!

Please, try to calm down. For all you know you'll meet him and realize there's no in person chemistry.

[lovergal]

3 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

It seems you're already afraid of "losing" this guy. You haven't even met yet!

Please, try to calm down. For all you know you'll meet him and realize there's no in person chemistry.

Yes- that's how I feel! I mean thats what anxious attachment normally is.

Thank you! I needed that!! 🙂

[kim42]

I understand your anxiety but you didn't meet him yet, so keep in mind you might not like him in person that much after all. 

Try not to worry too much, it seems he wants to see you next weekend, and I don't think there's anything wrong with light texting until the two of you meet.

[lovergal]

2 minutes ago, kim42 said:

I understand your anxiety but you didn't meet him yet, so keep in mind you might not like him in person that much after all. 

Try not to worry too much, it seems he wants to see you next weekend, and I don't think there's anything wrong with light texting until the two of you meet.

Ok... so if he texts I should reply? I was thinking of backing off until next week lol

[Sindy_0311]

4 minutes ago, lovergal said:

omg youre so harsh and miserable lol but ok....

Oh sorry i didnt mean to sound harsh. See, I have low tolerance for this “over investing” in someone you barely know because I tend to do it myself… I also have anxious attachment style and this is just the way I talk to myself when I need to gain control back. Lol 
Hope I didn’t hurt your feelings… but please do not invest more in this guy you haven’t met yet!! 🙏 

[Sindy_0311]

1 minute ago, lovergal said:

Ok... so if he texts I should reply? I was thinking of backing off until next week lol

of course you reply… Don’t back of without explaining him why you do it. Just tell him that you prefer keeping the conversation for when you actually meet and that you are looking forward to it. Always be kind and polite… (I mean, not like me 😅) 

 

[lovergal]

7 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

of course you reply… Don’t back of without explaining him why you do it. Just tell him that you prefer keeping the conversation for when you actually meet and that you are looking forward to it. Always be kind and polite… (I mean, not like me 😅) 

 

My first reaction when guys get distant is just to back off so there's no "rejection" lol

[boltnrun]

53 minutes ago, lovergal said:

Yes- that's how I feel! I mean thats what anxious attachment normally is.

Thank you! I needed that!! 🙂

It doesn't make sense to be "attached" to literally just words on a screen and a voice over an electronic device.  Keep reminding yourself of that.

Once there's a solid plan to meet in person and you actually do meet, then you can decide if you want to continue.

In the meantime keep the texts to a minimum. You two are not in a relationship so there's no need for daily check-ins. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, lovergal said:

He is busy this week and I want to see him next weekend (the plan is to go to some halloween maze - he said he was down but idk I'm always thinking the worst)

Definitely try to set up a mutually convenient time to meet in person. He stated he's away on business? Perhaps stay in light touch and focus on setting up the date for when he returns. 

[lovergal]

3 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

It doesn't make sense to be "attached" to literally just words on a screen and a voice over an electronic device.  Keep reminding yourself of that.

Once there's a solid plan to meet in person and you actually do meet, then you can decide if you want to continue.

In the meantime keep the texts to a minimum. You two are not in a relationship so there's no need for daily check-ins. 

Clearly you don't know what anxious attachment is.

Google it.

[lovergal]

3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Definitely try to set up a mutually convenient time to meet in person. He stated he's away on business? Perhaps stay in light touch and focus on setting up the date for when he returns. 

So he says he's not a planner and plans his week every sunday lol

[boltnrun]

1 minute ago, lovergal said:

Clearly you don't know what anxious attachment is.

Google it.

Don't need to, but thanks. However, I understand the term relates to people you are in a relationship with, not someone you haven't yet met. 

Hopefully you can meet soon and see if you do in fact want to pursue dating him. 

[Sindy_0311]

 

2 minutes ago, lovergal said:

Clearly you don't know what anxious attachment is.

Google it.

I think @boltnrun clearly knows what it is. 

[kim42]

1 hour ago, lovergal said:

Ok... so if he texts I should reply? I was thinking of backing off until next week lol

Yes, if he texts, you can reply if you still want to talk to him.

If you all of sudden start ignoring his messages, he will probably think you're no longer interested.

Keep in light touch and as others have said, try to meet asap to see if you actually like him in real life.

[Sindy_0311]

Maybe you just need to find someone who matches your energy… he says he is not a good planer? Well maybe you need to find someone you is eager to plan a date with you ASAP and who is willing to text as you do. How about he is not a good match for you because of his nonchalance… my concern is you didn’t meet that guy yet and he is already making you feel anxious… 

Just one question… do you know where you anxious attachment comes from? And are you doing something to become less anxious in your relationships? Like therapy or coaching… 

 

[SooSad33]

1 hour ago, lovergal said:

He doesn't seem interested. And I already am getting anxious and in the past that never works out for me.

I wouldn't say he is not interested.  You've both been pretty good w/ communications.  But, you have still yet to meet.

But, yah, the issue may be you, as you admitted: Then, how about you NOT get involved until you know this won't be a problem? 

[rainbowsandroses]

Could it be you're simply anxious to know if he really likes you even though you don't know whether you like him?  

Everyone gets anxious from time to time, it's natural.  Even when we've never met in person. 

What typically drives that anxiety for some people is an unhealthy need for validation. I say unhealthy because you don't even know whether YOU like him.

Also a fear of rejection so you reject first to avoid the possibility of him rejecting you.

Even though again you've never met, texting is virtually non-existent, there's actually nothing there for you to be attached to.

Or is there?  

Or are you attached to the anxiety itself? 

I'm totally confused, please enlighten me. I've already Googled it. 😀