Would I be violating my husband's boundaries?

[15yearsofservice]

I want to ask my husband why he continues to follow random girls on social media after we are now MARRIED but he told me not to.

My husband and I have been married 4 wonderful months. I know I have major underlying trust issues and I think a lot boils down to social media. Also all you non social media people, please don't even comment talking about social media isn't real life.... I will block you. we ALL know it isn't but that doesn't mean our partners can just behave like ***ing creeps and we just have to accept it bc it's *~just social media*~ 

I wasn't going to follow my husband on IG for this exact reason but he kept showing up on my suggested follows so I requested him. And he told me he'll accept my request as long as I don't ask about who he follows. I thought this was odd and MADE me curious about his following list; I really wasn't before. He's never even given me a reason to distrust him. But this made me raise my eyebrows. 

So of course I peeked his list, but I did notice that (mostly) everyone he followed up until that point happened before we were together so I didn't care that much. I still found it weird that one half was: random girls that weren't following him back but there could be a million reasons so I didn't even want to go there.  The other half was just mutuals, or models, celebrities, influencers etc etc. 

But then I started watching anyone he'd follow after I started following him (again due to the comment) and I saw that he started following the most random girls who weren't even big accounts...... just 200 followers or less, as in accessible people. What reason does he have to follow these normal ass people? He just looks like a thirst bag. And what would happen if these people followed him back? 

*It makes me more insecure that he legit stopped posting anything on IG as soon as we we got together, so there's no photos of me, and THEN started using the excuse that he just doesn't post.*

I truly want to have conversations about this especially the comment he made, but I feel like I'm violating boundaries as he clearly told me not to ask him. But that's ***ed up, because shouldn't we able to talk about these things?

Also: it's been about 2-3 nights in a row now that I dreamt of something along the lines of: my partner having another partner, while I'm still in the picture, or my partner being shady. 

It's starting to freak me out. I wish I could just tell him to stop following these random accounts of people because it looks so distasteful. Especially bc I know the girls (being such a small accounts) notice. They don't ever follow him back either which is  embarrassing. 

I once raised this issue with him as he tends to act weird when women are around. He doesn't catcall or anything but makes these weird back and forth glances like a socially awkward dude does when they're around a pretty women, as if he's never seen a women before or worse, is contemplating talking to her! It makes me want to crawl out of my skin. And he does it in front of me, which makes me wonder how does he act when I'm not in front of him?! I called him out on it and he said he's not even interested in other women. Well that's funny because it appears that way on social media and irl?!

update: I just tried to start talking to him, but I told him it was hard for me to bring this up because I know how he's going to react. He said nothing regarding this and asked me why couldn't we just enjoy our time together. And that if we're gonna talk we should just talk clear and concise and get to the point. (I will admit. I tend to beat around the bush when we talk and we end up talking for hours or days on end. Also we really only get 1 day together anyways so we don't really have that much time together.

So  I said nothing because what he doesn't know is: if he didn't react so strongly/ defensively whenevr I had a concern I WOULDNT BEAT AROUND THE BUSH SO MUCH 

[Seraphim]

How long did you know each other before getting married ?

[15yearsofservice]

6 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

How long did you know each other before getting married ?

A year and a half 

[Wiseman2]

30 minutes ago, 15yearsofservice said:

My husband and I have been married 4 wonderful months.

Sorry this is happening. How old is he?  How is the marriage overall. How is the intimacy and affection? 

Unfortunately it seems he's masturbating to thirst traps on social media. However the issue seems to be general discord, disrespect and lack of communication. Sadly you seem quite unhappy and angry and your marriage seems far from wonderful.

Perhaps marriage therapy could help you both navigate this with a neutral professional so you can lay your cards on the table unpack and sort out some issues. Apparently when you try to talk to him he shuts down. 

 

[Andrina]

I can't see how a man like this would be appealing to any woman with a healthy self-worth, which leads me to believe that your subconscious falsely tells you he's all that you deserve. Guys who act like women are sex objects both in person and on social media would make most women's skin crawl. You've witnessed this, likely beyond the first few months when he might have briefly been on his best behavior. So what was so appealing about someone you can't thoroughly enjoy, because it seems like his hobby is voyeurism.

If you were my friend asking advice, I wouldn't even recommend marriage counseling because he obviously doesn't want to change from a pervert into a decent man. If he did, he would listen to your concerns and take steps not to lose you.

 

[15yearsofservice]

20 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. How old is he?  How is the marriage overall. How is the intimacy and affection? 

Unfortunately it seems he's masturbating to thirst traps on social media. However the issue seems to be general discord, disrespect and lack of communication. Sadly you seem quite unhappy and angry and your marriage seems far from wonderful.

Perhaps marriage therapy could help you both navigate this with a neutral professional so you can lay your cards on the table unpack and sort out some issues. Apparently when you try to talk to him he shuts down. 

 

He is 29. I'm 28. The marriage is great, and I mean that honestly. I really felt like I married my best friend. I just have a lot of insecurities and he isn't perfect, he does things that get on my nerves and I like to talk often and get through things. I mean it's the only way we're gonna to navigate life together. My husband isn't very enthusiastic about those conversations though. That's where the issue is.

also, I know for a fact he doesn't masturbate to these photos. And yet, it doesn't make it any less disgusting or disrespectful. 

[Seraphim]

Okay , so the issue is communication and not having corresponding values around social media. This needs to be discussed which you know. I believe there are seminars that teach people how to communicate and not offend each other . 

[Seraphim]

I realize your generation places a premium on social media , but try to lessen its value. It has some great purposes and not so great outcomes . 

[15yearsofservice]

1 hour ago, 15yearsofservice said:

I want to ask my husband why he continues to follow random girls on social media after we are now MARRIED but he told me not to.

My husband and I have been married 4 wonderful months. I know I have major underlying trust issues and I think a lot boils down to social media. Also all you non social media people, please don't even comment talking about social media isn't real life.... I will block you. we ALL know it isn't but that doesn't mean our partners can just behave like ***ing creeps and we just have to accept it bc it's *~just social media*~ 

I wasn't going to follow my husband on IG for this exact reason but he kept showing up on my suggested follows so I requested him. And he told me he'll accept my request as long as I don't ask about who he follows. I thought this was odd and MADE me curious about his following list; I really wasn't before. He's never even given me a reason to distrust him. But this made me raise my eyebrows. 

So of course I peeked his list, but I did notice that (mostly) everyone he followed up until that point happened before we were together so I didn't care that much. I still found it weird that one half was: random girls that weren't following him back but there could be a million reasons so I didn't even want to go there.  The other half was just mutuals, or models, celebrities, influencers etc etc. 

But then I started watching anyone he'd follow after I started following him (again due to the comment) and I saw that he started following the most random girls who weren't even big accounts...... just 200 followers or less, as in accessible people. What reason does he have to follow these normal ass people? He just looks like a thirst bag. And what would happen if these people followed him back? 

*It makes me more insecure that he legit stopped posting anything on IG as soon as we we got together, so there's no photos of me, and THEN started using the excuse that he just doesn't post.*

I truly want to have conversations about this especially the comment he made, but I feel like I'm violating boundaries as he clearly told me not to ask him. But that's ***ed up, because shouldn't we able to talk about these things?

Also: it's been about 2-3 nights in a row now that I dreamt of something along the lines of: my partner having another partner, while I'm still in the picture, or my partner being shady. 

It's starting to freak me out. I wish I could just tell him to stop following these random accounts of people because it looks so distasteful. Especially bc I know the girls (being such a small accounts) notice. They don't ever follow him back either which is  embarrassing. 

I once raised this issue with him as he tends to act weird when women are around. He doesn't catcall or anything but makes these weird back and forth glances like a socially awkward dude does when they're around a pretty women, as if he's never seen a women before or worse, is contemplating talking to her! It makes me want to crawl out of my skin. And he does it in front of me, which makes me wonder how does he act when I'm not in front of him?! I called him out on it and he said he's not even interested in other women. Well that's funny because it appears that way on social media and irl?!

update: I just tried to start talking to him, but I told him it was hard for me to bring this up because I know how he's going to react. He said nothing regarding this and asked me why couldn't we just enjoy our time together. And that if we're gonna talk we should just talk clear and concise and get to the point. (I will admit. I tend to beat around the bush when we talk and we end up talking for hours or days on end. Also we really only get 1 day together anyways so we don't really have that much time together.

So  I said nothing because what he doesn't know is: if he didn't react so strongly/ defensively whenevr I had a concern I WOULDNT BEAT AROUND THE BUSH SO MUCH 

It won't let me edit but I want to emphasize that I know for a fact he isn't masturbating to these photos. And yet it doesn't make it any less disgusting and disrespectful. Just wanted to clarify. 

[15yearsofservice]

7 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

I realize your generation places a premium on social media , but try to lessen its value. It has some great purposes and not so great outcomes . 

I mean I get it, I just think it's disrespectful for him to be following random normal women that he doesn't even know just because they look good.  They're not even models. They're just normal people who we could probably run into someday. That's full on creep and I cannot overlook it. 

[Seraphim]

1 minute ago, 15yearsofservice said:

I mean I get it, I just think it's disrespectful for him to be following random normal women that he doesn't even know just because they look good.  They're not even models. They're just normal people who we could probably run into someday. That's full on creep and I cannot overlook it. 

I think following models and celebrities is weird too, they are just people as well. I only have people I have known a long time and most I know in person on my social media. My husband is the same. Half of his social media is women but he knows them from work. That doesn’t bother me. However, I didn’t have social media until 2007 and I was already 41 years old so it was never a massive feature in my life. 

[boltnrun]

1 hour ago, 15yearsofservice said:

Also we really only get 1 day together anyways so we don't really have that much time together.

Why is this? Work schedules? Deployment?

[Tinydance]

Well first of all I think when you're posting or interacting with people in general, try to have respect and understanding that people have different opinions. You actually come across as rude - "Don't tell me it's just social media or I'll block you." Some people actually don't even have social media or don't care about social media. It's very clear you do but it's just rude to be like: "Don't dare to say anything other than my opinion or I'll block you." If you actually already have such a set in stone opinion then why is there a point to ask for any advice?

Also I know you're not going to like me saying it but yes men do look at attractive women. And women look at attractive men too. If I see an attractive guy I might look but that doesn't mean I'm going to pursue him. Also to me personally looking at random models on social media isn't cheating. I mean, if my partner doesn't even know these models then it's not like he's talking to them or catching up with them. I follow some models on social media as well. Actually some of them maybe aren't models in the sense they're semi naked but they have themed accounts like cosplay and they're attractive. 

I do find it odd that your husband said: "Don't ask me about who I'm following" because that does sound defensive or like he's nervous about something. But obviously he knows he's following those models and maybe he had a feeling you don't like it. Which you don't so he was right. 

I understand it makes you feel uncomfortable bit I've just seen some women post that they go through their partner's account and check who they follow and check how many followers those people have and what date they followed them etc. To me this seems over the top and seems more like insecurity. That's just my opinion.

I think you should talk to your husband and express how you feel. He can't actually tell you that you're not allowed to ask something because that's controlling. He can't police what you can and can't discuss with him. Marriage is about honesty and communication. To me it would be more concerning that he's shutting you up and saying: "Don't ask me about this". You have a right to ask him about whatever you want.

 

[15yearsofservice]

Just now, boltnrun said:

Why is this? Work schedules? Deployment?

Work schedules yes 

[Tinydance]

4 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

I think following models and celebrities is weird too, they are just people as well. I only have people I have known a long time and most I know in person on my social media. My husband is the same. Half of his social media is women but he knows them from work. That doesn’t bother me. However, I didn’t have social media until 2007 and I was already 41 years old so it was never a massive feature in my life. 

Why is following celebrities weird? Isn't that the whole point that celebrities have fans? Why are people not allowed to be a fan?

[Seraphim]

1 minute ago, Tinydance said:

Why is following celebrities weird? Isn't that the whole point that celebrities have fans? Why are people not allowed to be a fan?

I am not saying they aren’t allowed . I just find it strange personally myself. What others do is up to them. I am not really a fan of any actor or celebrity. It just doesn’t appeal to me. 

[Tinydance]

37 minutes ago, Andrina said:

I can't see how a man like this would be appealing to any woman with a healthy self-worth, which leads me to believe that your subconscious falsely tells you he's all that you deserve. Guys who act like women are sex objects both in person and on social media would make most women's skin crawl. You've witnessed this, likely beyond the first few months when he might have briefly been on his best behavior. So what was so appealing about someone you can't thoroughly enjoy, because it seems like his hobby is voyeurism.

If you were my friend asking advice, I wouldn't even recommend marriage counseling because he obviously doesn't want to change from a pervert into a decent man. If he did, he would listen to your concerns and take steps not to lose you.

 

I'm pretty sure that most people will turn their head and have a quick look when there is someone attractive present. What are they supposed to do, close their eyes? I don't think it necessarily makes the person a pervert or creep. This is very harsh.

[Tinydance]

3 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

I am not saying they aren’t allowed . I just find it strange personally myself. What others do is up to them. I am not really a fan of any actor or celebrity. It just doesn’t appeal to me. 

Well that's totally fair enough! But I actually think you might be in the minority lol To me it seems most people like at least some celebrities or even social media personalities.

[Seraphim]

Just now, Tinydance said:

Well that's totally fair enough! But I actually think you might be in the minority lol To me it seems most people like at least some celebrities or even social media personalities.

I don’t know. I have never polled my generation though. My mom thinks all social media is stupid and gives me crap constantly . It is how I promote my business though. 

[Batya33]

39 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

I'm pretty sure that most people will turn their head and have a quick look when there is someone attractive present. What are they supposed to do, close their eyes? I don't think it necessarily makes the person a pervert or creep. This is very harsh.

That's totally different from what he is doing and restricting his wife -or trying to- from asking him about it.  OP this doesn't sound like healthy communication and -you think this is how a "best friend" treats someone??

I notice celebrities or people who look like them and in my life I've noticed attractive men.  I noticed the closeups of Ryan Gosling in Barbie but found it kind of overdone and silly.  My marriage vows acknowledge that people aren't blind.  I personally would find it tacky/obectifying if my husband behaved this way.  And even more so if he told me I couldn't ask about it.  Ick.

I wouldn't stand for any of this ..... and that's just me.

[Tinydance]

Just now, Batya33 said:

That's totally different from what he is doing and restricting his wife -or trying to- from asking him about it.  OP this doesn't sound like healthy communication and -you think this is how a "best friend" treats someone??

No I totally agree with that. My belief is your husband or wife should be able to ask you whatever they want and express their feelings to you. Even if it's a difficult topic or you prefer they didn't ask you that but that's what marriage or even family or friendship is about. You need to allow people to express themselves (within reason). Even if someone is feeling insecure or misunderstood something then they need to be able to clarify it. I do see a red flag that he doesn't want to discuss things or simply says: "Don't ask me about this." Whether it be about models or anything else, to me it seems like just an easy way to always get out of not having conversations you don't want to have.

[Kwothe28]

2 hours ago, 15yearsofservice said:

Also we really only get 1 day together anyways so we don't really have that much time together.

Why is that? Is he on the road so he comes home rarely?

Anyway, yeah, he doesnt follow those Instagram models for make up advices. He follows them either to

a) masturbate

b) to message them and fool around(dont think he would maybe try influencers, but random girls maybe)

And if you think otherwise, I am sorry, youve been painfully naive. And if you think "Oh no, my hubby wouldnt", well, he restricted you from his socials from the reason. Because he knew what you would be discovered and that you wouldnt be OK with it. He himself knows that what he is doing is not OK. But you are wondering about his boundaries lol

[Tinydance]

Well I think it's actually a personal opinion whether it's OK or not to masturbate to something like porn or photos of models. Men in the past used to masturbate to pin up girls or Playboy magazine. Some men like to look at something if they're masturbating and if it's just some random model or pornstar maybe it doesn't mean anything to them beyond some visual stimulation. I sometimes watch porn and I've masturbated to porn so that's why I actually don't have a problem with it.

I think if you only get to see your husband once a week then maybe he does masturbate when you're not together. I mean masturbating isn't wrong (in my opinion). 

I also don't consider something like watching porn or looking at models as "real life" because you don't actually know those people and have a very small (but most likely zero) chance of actually getting with them. To me it seems more like when people have a crush on a hot actor or actress. And sometimes those actresses do pose nude or in bikini so maybe some people will masturbate to it. Again, I am only expressing my own personal opinion and I do realise maybe it's not a popular opinion.

What I think might be more the issue here is that you don't see your husband often and obviously it doesn't feel good if he's away and looking at those models instead of you. What is happening and why don't you see each other often?

And understandably because your husband said: "Don't ask me about this" that came across as suspicious. If my partner said that maybe I'd get suspicious as well. But if my partner was honest and upfront with me and not hiding their social media then it probably wouldn't bother me.

[bluecastle]

Hmmmm. 

The question that seems most important here is: What about your own boundaries? For example, do you accept being preemptively shut down by your partner? To say nothing of: Do you believe that amassing a collection of pixilated peach emojis has a place in a marriage? 

You're allowed to have your own limits, in short. Ideally, these are things talked about between two people, sussed out over time, and you pull the rip cord on marriage once you understand that (a) your mutual boundaries are roughly aligned and (b) because of that you two can carve out and adjust the boundaries of your relationship as needed. 

Far more than the thirst traps, I worry the main issue here is that you two maybe skipped over those vital stages on the way to the altar. Any of that strike a cord? 

As for the thirst traps, I'm curious: What do you want to see happen, in an ideal world? Him to look but not follow? Him to unfollow? Him to care that this juvenile habit is upsetting and unnerving to you? I would take a moment to get clear on your goal with all this, so you can express that to him in clear language. His response will go a long way to answering the question of whether you two can work to create boundaries, together, that allow the marriage to thrive. 

[boltnrun]

I hope you didn't know about this ahead of time and expect your husband to "change" once you got married. 

My ex husband and I had a pretty egalitarian relationship with me being the more assertive partner, but on our wedding night he told me "We're married now, so that means I'm in charge. I'm the husband. You're just the wife." Excuse me, what? He too expected me to "change" once we got married. Notice I referred to him as my EX husband.

I don't think it's odd to follow celebrities or well known people on social media. I follow both men and women, some of the men because I find them attractive but not because I'm hoping to get something intimate going with them (they're almost all married anyway). I follow very few random men though. Two of them are fans of the same sports team as me and they're married with families so I'm not trying to get with them and I don't (ick) masturbate to their pics (gross). 

I'm curious to know how you framed the conversation with your husband. Did you ask him why the topic is off limits? Did you ask him why he follows these random women? And on a different subject, is there some way you two could adjust your work schedules so you can spend more time together? One day a week wouldn't be enough for me.