I'm worried about my friend. She's going through something, but won't talk

[birthday_girl]

In the past few months, I noticed my closest friend has been acting different. I asked her if she's ok a couple of times, but she avoided the subject and just said she's tired.

Today, she seemed especially unhappy, so I asked her again. She said "I'm going through a though time and I'm trying to disconnect from everything and everyone, sorry but I don't want to talk about it".

I said I'll always be there for her whenever she feels ready to talk. She said "Thank you, I appreciate that you're close to me, but I still prefer not to talk" and then she changed topic and started talking about trivial stuffs.

It's ok if she doesn't feel comfortable opening up, but I want to be helpful. I know what depression feels like (thankfully, it's now gone) and I want to be there for her and be the best possible friend. What can I do to support her?

We have a common close friend and I was thinking of telling her something like "Hey, I noticed (name) is going through something, let's organize a surprise party or something like that and show her that we care about her".

Would that be appropriate? Or is it gossip? Maybe my friend doesn't want other people to know she's not feeling ok. Or maybe she already told our common friend all the details. No idea. We're all in our early to mid 30s BTW.

[Lambert]

19 minutes ago, birthday_girl said:

We have a common close friend and I was thinking of telling her something like "Hey, I noticed (name) is going through something, let's organize a surprise party or something like that and show her that we care about her".

Would that be appropriate? Or is it gossip? Maybe my friend doesn't want other people to know she's not feeling ok. Or maybe she already told our common friend all the details. No idea. We're all in our early to mid 30s BTW.

Don't do this.  Respect your friend's wishes.  She knows you are there if she needs anything.  

Focus on your own life.  Be the friend you always are with her-- if she wants to talk trivial things and whatever, go with that.  Maybe you are the break from other aspects of life that she needs.  Because that's what friends are-- friendships should be easy & accepting.  The break we all need from the stress of work, family, relationships etc.  That's what makes them great.

You can't live for someone else.  You can support them by respecting their choices.  And just know the minute she asks for help, you will swoop in with whatever she needs.  

[Batya33]

Agree with Lambert. Many people don’t want to be around people if they’re sad let alone have a surprise party. You’re a thoughtful friend. You’ve told her you’re there for her. Give her space unless you think she’s at risk of self harming. Then I’d see about getting hee help. 

[Coily]

The best thing you can do is just touch base with her from time to time, and share a funny anecdote from your life. Don't crowd her too much, but let her know you are out there for the light side of life. Moreover, DO NOT press her and try to fix her problems. the last thing a lot of people want is someone who tells them how to fix their own life, they usually want a sounding board so they can figure it out themselves.

[Cherylyn]

I laud you for your sincere intentions of being a good friend,  possessing compassion and your concern for your friend's well being.  I wish there were more people like you on this Earth!  A lot of people don't want to be bothered with other people's problems because they have enough troubles of their own.  You're different though which I commend you for! 🤗

Based upon my experience,  whenever any type of stress insurmountable or not weighs heavy on my mind,  I prefer time and space which is what you should give your friend because this is her request.  Her way of remaining vague and distant is her way of telling you to back off so respect and honor her wishes and privacy.  You mean well but many times,  the best thing to do is nothing.

You can support her from afar,  keep her in your prayers 🙏 and wait for her to come around on her terms. 

As for your mutual close friend,  yes,  it would be gossip to talk behind your friend's back.  Honor her privacy by keeping your mouth shut.  😷  Don't text,  email,  leave voice mails and the like.  Be smart.  Respect and honor her enforced boundaries. 

A surprise party is a very loving to do ~ under different circumstances.  I'm sorry to say that even a well intended surprise party is not enough to quell a person's woes.  Sometimes,  a surprise party during distress could very well backfire,  cause her anger,  awkwardness and your and your mutual friend's disappointment.

Tread lightly.    

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, birthday_girl said:

It's ok if she doesn't feel comfortable opening up, but I want to be helpful.

Then the best thing you can do to help is respect her choice not to discuss it. Your heart is in the right place but it's best to recognize she's drawing a boundary for now and will share if and when she is comfortable doing so. 

2 hours ago, birthday_girl said:

I was thinking of telling her something like "Hey, I noticed (name) is going through something, let's organize a surprise party or something like that and show her that we care about her".

Would that be appropriate? Or is it gossip?

Again, I can see that you have good intentions but this not a great idea. She might not want anyone else knowing she's going through something, and may really not be in the mood for a surprise social event. 

Be supportive and listen, but don't keep asking what's wrong. If she changes the topic, it's best to take the hint and talk about something else. 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, birthday_girl said:

 She said "I'm going through a though time and I'm trying to disconnect from everything and everyone, sorry but I don't want to talk about it". "Hey, I noticed (name) is going through something, let's organize a surprise party 

Unfortunately she doesn't want to discuss it. Just give her space. You did the right thing stepping back and offering to be there if needed.

Please do not inflict a surprise party on her when she quite specifically stated she's taking time for herself .

She has friends, family and there are doctors and therapists she can confide in. Please respect boundaries.